"appa" poems
We call it “peacock hill”
I love this misty humidity that hangs here
sunlight barely peeking through; lovely mossy ground and wet leaves
turning to mulch under our tramping feet, we hear the peacocks call
in their unique tone - musical, alluring and promising
of a rare treat to the eyes, I’m only six years old, walking by your side,
and I don’t realize that in my excitement to collect peacock feathers-
***i’m missing the peacocks for the feathers
and
I’m missing your company for the peacocks***
and somehow if I could turn back time, i’d like to make that right
pay more attention to you, than to silly feathers or birds, beautiful though they are
just soak in the moment, and be with you completely
so that years later, when we live so far away
i’d look back on this moment with a lot less regret
and be glad, that we father and daughter
had some great times together
-Vijayalakshmi Harish
Copyright © Vijayalakshmi Harish
Sep 21, 2012
Sep 21, 2012 at 2:57 AM UTC
It will soon be morning
Amma walks the backyard
Collecting flowers
The best for the Goddess
Who does nothing but sit
At her ivory throne
Sweets and diyas around
Her face with a pasted smile
I have so wished to wipe out.
Appa's snore shake the walls
I imagine his moustache
Shivering under the onslaught
Before he's off to the stores
He would want his breakfast
With Anna on his right side
Telling Appa all about school
And his stagnant progress
While Appa nods and laughs.
And after they would leave
I will then open my books
Where wonders of world hide...
Till then, I make breakfast.
Mar 27, 2014
Mar 27, 2014 at 5:43 AM UTC
Appa’s demise has put a load of care on me,
The family is dependent on me,
There’s a boat leaving tomorrow night,
They say it’s the last one for this quarter,
We need to leave.
The conditions here are getting worse by the day,
The playgrounds are unrecognizable,
The schools are no longer functioning,
My friends are nowhere in sight.
They say the boat is the only option out of our land,
Tiko’s family left with the boat two months ago,
This is the time when one prefers somewhere else to home,
We really cannot miss the boat.
The sunrise makes its way through my cracked window curtain made from mother’s clothes,
But it’s only a reminder of yet another day,
I must say it looks beautiful but sad,
Every new day seems never to be different,
I hope to take steps that will not lead to my death, a loved one or a neighbour.
I heard the camp is not so great but it’s safer than here
The boat is small and there are many of us.
I am lucky because unlike Rasheed’s family;
We are just three and they are ready to fit us in the boat,
No one wants to leave their loved ones behind.
The driver starts the engine,
The journey has begun,
The journey to nowhere,
Everyone has the look of fear and uncertainty,
What lies ahead, no one can surely tell.
The boat is moving,
The sea breeze feels amazing,
Am not sure how long it will last,
Appa is dead, leaving mother and Hassan with me,
The driver says it will take all night.
We have life vests and floaters,
Mine is largely oversize,
I have not been eating properly,
I hear there is food at the destination.
The sea is calm,
The driver is whistling,
The woman sitting beside mother have been crying,
She had to leave her children behind
Again, I am very lucky.
We are getting closer and it is getting cold,
The engine does not sound right,
The driver looks panicked,
He assures everyone it’s nothing to worry about,
The tide is rising and it’s still dark,
We can see the lights at our destination
Water is getting into the boat,
Everyone is panicking,
The man beside me throws his bag into the sea and gets ready to dive,
The next person does the same,
Maybe I should do the same?
Mother and I can swim but how about Hassan who cannot?
There is a bigger boat coming,
It seems like we won’t be drowning,
I have seen my death so many times,
I am no longer scared when in danger,
The boat rescued us; we are ashore in this land where our fate will be decided
Now what?
Apr 28, 2020
Apr 28, 2020 at 6:20 PM UTC
*The leaky kitchen sink,
I hear it everywhere...
Dip - Dip - Dip - Dip - Dip*
**As if echoing in my heartbeat,
I feel it thumping in my ears...
Dab - Dab - Dab - Dab - Dab**
***I do hear it even when it's all silent,
I am thinking it's your name actually...
Amma-Appa! Amma-Appa!! Amma-Appa!!!***
Feb 19, 2014
Feb 19, 2014 at 11:03 AM UTC
1.
377, those numbers were a shame to him
“The crime is your ardor,” they said,
“You’re not our son,” they said,
“Let’s escape,” HE said.
2.
"I don’t wish the pain I felt on anyone
except them
I don’t wish the loss I suffered on anyone
Except them
No one saw the blood or heard me shriek that day
Except them
I deserve my vengeance
So we all can feel secure and alive
Except them"
3.
I always dreamt of those girls carrying bags
Crossing the stream to sit by the shade
Beautifully scripting those letters with chalk
Mesmerized by those abundant numbers
Appa finally brought me a bag today,
To script those letters, count those numbers.
To chase the person I’ve longed to be.
4.
“Did you fall again, ma?”
My tear lightly touched those tiny fingertips
“Be careful,” she whispered softly.
He glared at me with those cold hard eyes
Was I to lie again? Was I to protect a monster?
Enough. Tolerance had its bounds.
I swept her into my arms and didn't turn for that last look.
5.
Had I moved a little, the bullet would’ve grazed my shoulder
But it plunged straight into my heart
Had I run for cover, a brother would be sacrificed
Had I been a hero, by taking lives, I’d never sleep again
Today I was a hero, by giving my own
I now hope to perpetually sleep in peace.
6.
“Why must you say Old-age home with such distaste?
Those adorable little ones love me, I know
But I’m allowed to live my life
I want to be around those who understand me
I want to grow old amongst friends
I want to travel, to play, and to feel young
Perhaps maybe even fall in love, again?"
Aug 15, 2014
Aug 15, 2014 at 5:37 AM UTC
Amma
Appa
Ana
Friendu
Learn to say from ur mouth
Because everybody can't hear from their heart
Including God
But I can't call
Esapa !
Jul 27, 2018
Jul 27, 2018 at 10:53 AM UTC
Appa
U r my everything pa
U know how much I love you
But u don't know that I won't be without you
Yes pa
Love you pa
Happy Father's day pa
U r my everending happiness pa
Jun 18, 2017
Jun 18, 2017 at 7:23 AM UTC
Dear Amma and Appa, wish you a very happy anniversary in advance
May the Almighty grace the two of you with his presence
And shower you with many a blessing
Without your presence, am I nothing!
Dear Amma and Appa, wish you a very happy anniversary in advance
The two of you strike a beautiful balance
Made for each other
For Shreeja and I, so much do you care!!
Dear Amma and Appa, wish you a very happy anniversary in advance
May you get a wonderful chance
To relive all your precious memories
And celebrate till the Fat Lady sings!!
Dear Amma and Appa, wish you a very happy anniversary in advance
Slowly and steadily, may this beautiful couple dance
Till all their worries are buried
And love is spread far and wide!!
Dear Amma and Appa, wish you a very happy anniversary in advance
I love you both to pieces
Please have the time of your lives
And when finally cometh the big day
Please don't forget the treat, come what may!!
Nov 11, 2024
Nov 11, 2024 at 3:47 AM UTC
Yes, it was a nightmare
But I haven't
Left it behind
A few days after
My mom reached the stars
And shone down on me
No more by my side
Yet her presence felt
All through the day
Returning to
A semblance of normality
Somehow able to
Reach across the void
Her absence has left
The dark patch
Over our souls
But pretence
Is something that is
As natural
As forgettance.
And I converse
With my dad
Of trivial things
Like they actually
Matter
And I say,
"Appa, I can still
Hear her
In my head”
An alive phantom.
And I sob
Uncontrollably
Waking up
Drenched with salty tears
Detached
From what's real
And what's not.
Jun 12, 2020
Jun 12, 2020 at 10:21 AM UTC
A hostel, somewhere in Gangnam.
It was around 10, possibly 11
hot chicken in a box, and a man holding it.
A small man
thin shouldered, narrow faced
chicken *****
He wore a light green vest or
rather, it wore him.
And each leg being 10 kilograms
each wing, about 8
and upon later inspection, there were
5 legs and 3 wings thus
74 kilograms, plus the box, then
76 kilograms and that
that
was the weight of his world, which he carried.
...
Her name is Soo-Ae, he said.
She is in the first grade and
can tie her shoelaces,
all
by herself
Ding,
the elevator.
The chicken stepped inside, and
so did the man.
Her name is Min-Ju, he said.
She graduated 3 years later,
but I waited.
For her, I could’ve waited
3 hundred.
…
(Room 3 hundred three, right?)
(Yes.)
3 hundred,
3 hundred one,
two, and
three.
...
But sometimes,
just sometimes, you see,
shoelaces can tangle badly
like umbilical cords
I’m sorry,
Doctor Lee had said as he
held her hands, shaking
hands shaking hands, shaking
Poor Min-Ju, he said.
Poor Soo-han, he said.
…
(Beer?)
(Uhm. Any green stuff?)
(Yes.)
(Thank you.)
(Here, I’ll
pour you.)
(Thank you.)
…
Most of the time,
Soo-Ae unties them herself,
or asks me like,
like
Appa?
swig
(one.)
but did you know, he asked
that the moment that a father gets depressed
is not the moment that he realizes
he cannot do it,
but is the moment that he realizes he must tell his
daughter
that he cannot do it,
and watch, helpless, as half the lights in her eyes
flicker and
die out.
swig
(two.)
Poor Soo-Ae, he said.
Poor Min-Ju, he said.
Poor Soo-han, he said.
(Pour me.
yes
that’s good.)
…
And
and when your hands start shaking,
like, like
shaking,
they become hard to untie,
those knots.
and everything.
Soo-Ae is no longer in the first grade,
and no longer wears ribbons in her hair.
Sometimes coming home very. late.
Where were you?
**** off, you drunk.
Poor Soo-Ae.
Min-Ju is no longer three years younger,
And stays in bed, staring years.
Sometimes waking screaming sobbing.
Where is Soo-Han?
I hear him crying, where is he?
Poor Min-Ju.
…
Sometimes, big knots become
smaller, and smaller
and that’s when you know your life is over,
or that it’s time to get
new glasses, at least.
and
the liquor
stopped.
...
Do you know
what happens when a knot
cannot be untied?
he asked
My bleary eyes
went from liquor,
to cup.
And finally,
to my father’s hand.
…
You cut it?
...
No, he said.
...
You keep on trying, whether it takes
three hundred years, or
three hundred and one, or
three hundred and two, or
three hundred and
three.
You keep on
trying.
swig
(three.)
...
And that night, at a hostel
somewhere in Gangnam
my father.
thin shouldered, narrow faced
chicken *****
wore a sad expression,
or rather,
it wore him. my father.
...
My poor,
poor father.
Jan 27, 2018
Jan 27, 2018 at 1:24 AM UTC
Raju, the hollow-cheeked overthinker,
Whose nose had grown into his navel,
Hanged himself in the hostel room
They found a note-
With rejected love as the cause
And then there was another note that read-
'rejected manuscripts'
A third one: 'to join my dead Appa'
Still another, in bold, etched letters:
'The fatal accident', and another-
Wedged in his buttcrack:
'the repressive education system' and 'the procrustean examinations'
Could it be that all of them were true motives or-
Did they represent a steady progress in the search for one?
A case of as many notes for as many selves
Or did he mean it as a puzzle, as his friends conveniently took it for, to weigh the notes and find the best?
Feb 16, 2019
Feb 16, 2019 at 5:47 AM UTC
Writing is my passion
You're my inspiration
My rock solid foundation
Whom I seek in times of tribulation
Pragmatic precepts did he essay
Not so difficult to follow, I would say
Though departed to a place far away
His memories keep me swing and sway
I yearn for your visitation
Desperately need some consolation
Nov 10, 2018
Nov 10, 2018 at 8:42 PM UTC