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I know you’ve heard these words before
I've said them many times before
I wish that I could use them more
To make things better like before

There was a time these words had meaning
Sheathed in heartfelt cries and feelings
But shaman who can not heal
Is just a man and nothing more

Like worn-out, old and ***** pennies
Now diluted by the many
There's so many, many pennies
Don't care there's one on my floor

My cries of “wolf” no longer heeded
When these words are truly needed
To the darkness they've receded
Blindly searching for that door

In my chest still beats a heart
Painful regret tears it apart
Can't fix or go back to the start
And you don’t want me anymore

My anger and my finger pointing
Foolishly like I'm anointed
Not the one you are annoyed with
You were wrong; I was so sure

Attentively I listened to you
In-and-out my ears your words flew
Silenced; Gave no value to you
Truth revealed strikes at my core

Awakening finally have
Gaining awareness of how bad
Taking for granted what I had
A rolling tide erodes the shore

Alone I sit and think of when
We were not lovers just good friends
Fun times together that we’d spend
And from that my heart starts to soar

Reality then brings me back
Jolts like a sudden heart attack
A deep sharp pain gives me a whack
I scream until my lungs are sore

Can't fix the memories or replace
Nightmares wake me; tears on my face
Past filled with guilt, shame and disgrace
Start questioning what life is for
October 13, 2017

All rights reserved.
Bison Jul 2016
The worst knowledge is
The way I might feel when I
Realize all that

Lives hidden inside
Of my heart will never be
Expressed. I do hope

You might forgive me
For this, my most human, flaw.
My apologies.
Inspired by Hemingway's brilliant Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

My life is filled with endless apologies

Sincere and heartfelt promises that are shallow and empty


It's not a conscious thought
The words aren't spoken with known deceit or intentional mal-intent
But somewhere in my brain, buried in my subconscious, I know...
A self-sabotaging automated programming constantly running
And regardless of my cognitive actions or conscious thoughts, desires and intentions
My automated programming will find a way to inevitably run its code, follow its routines and execute its prime directive

And that's not a cop out
They're still my actions
Conscious or subconscious
Actions resulting from subconscious "thought" are those I'm too ignorant to see or too weak to change in that moment

I don't know what's worse
The subconscious lies and heaps of horse fertilizer, day in and day out, I shove down the throats of those who cross my path
Or the incessant feed of regurgitated words, phrases, thoughts, ideas and worst of all.... hopes.... that is being forced through my digestive track only to be excreted by my body and re-absorbed by my central nervous system

Hope

The worst trick of all

And it always works. Without fail
Why?
Because it psychologically and emotionally preys on everything I want to be
The Hope that THIS TIME I'll get it right
THIS TIME I won't FAIL
All those things inside of me
All of my
......
Potential
.......
This time it won't be wasted
This time I'll come through. You can count on me!
I promise!
This time I'll be on time
This time I won't be late!
This time I'll meet expectations
This time I'll EXCEED expectations!
This time I won't let people down
This time I won't....
                                 .....
                                    ..... let
                                               ME

                                                      .­....down

Hope

The saddest and ultimate cruelty of lies
Created by the Devil to prey on the weak and gullible
If **** is living your worst day over and over again for eternity;
Then repeating the same detrimental behaviors over and over again for life, sustained in this perpetual motion by something so simple and harmless looking as "Hope" must fall at the Devil's hands

A wolf in sheep's clothing sprinkled in fairy dust
The worst of thoughts and beliefs are kept alive by Hope
Hope is a disease; a psychological virus
A damaged idea spreading from person to person, hijacking their system, and infecting their thoughts
For Hope is not a singular idea, isolated in seclusion, yet ultimately wrapped up and packaged out with other ideas
No, Hope is the vehicle that all thoughts that follow must ride in and by which be delivered
It is the Uber for ideas that follow
And like an unscrupulous and unpitying Uber driver,
Hope takes your brain to a secluded spot against its will and does as it so pleases
But unlike survivors of such horrific events
I, like a wide eyed doe in the headlights
I continuously expose myself to the exact same scenarios
over
and
over again

But not to worry

Eventually,
Hope will lose its magic
And the void created will be filled

By,

Regret,
Resentment,
Animosity,
Self-doubt,
Self-loathing,

And worst of all,

Denial

Denial is Hope's evil twin

The not so secret malicious trickster who, even though wears his emotions somewhat more clearly, is still capable of a lifetime of successful pranks

But unlike Hope, Denial doesn't always reveal his trick if the tricked has yet to become aware of the ruse
Instead, Denial will let them build
Stack upon stack
A colossal suspension bridge built and supported on Denial
And when I, with blind faith, cross that bridge
Putting everything and anything on the line, without question
That's when Denial delivers its reckoning
And in one all encompassing swoop it swallows me whole and any resemblance of "life" with it

Hope and Denial
My Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
and Me, a tiny island
Flanked on either side by the endless majesty of each
And like this planet,
I too,
Am a sphere spinning
A tiny island against the enormities of the the deep blue
A shipwrecked survivor
Floating on the driftwood of my subconscious
Left to the will of my environment
A helpless passenger on this ship of life
Constantly spinning between Hope and Denial
Some days calm and serene
Others, tormented by storms
Monster waves,
Flashes of lightning,
Ear shattering crackling explosions of thunder
And howling winds so fierce they must be the breath of God

And regardless of what scenario lays before me,
I'm left repeatedly with the same "choice" and same action

Enveloped with fear,
Hanging on for dear life,
Like a helpless and horrified child.....

On the verge of soiling my pants
Written: May 28, 2018

All rights reserved.
Grey Feb 2018
A wickerman of red wax
Flaming eyes, and flaming head
A chariot of blood for a king
An entourage of love for the prince
I ask of you
To love yourself
And say to me
Ferro Ignique

I am ignorant and selfish
A shattered heart, a broken branch
A circle of the world, bright and fading
A thunderstorm, a spark for a life
If you ask of me
To love myself
And say to me
In Absentia
Benji James Sep 2018
I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

I'm sorry for the way
I let you down
In your emotions
I let you drown
I'm sorry for not speaking out
When you clearly needed sound
Someone to just say it's all gonna be okay
I just looked the other way
Only cared about me
And now that thought plagues my conscience
I'm sorry that I am stuck in selfish ways
Only thinking of my own feelings
And not much of yours
I'm sorry that I couldn't save you in ways that you had pictured
You thought that I'd be different
I let you walk that lonely road
Ignorant to your hurt
Our lives drifted in different directions
Now you're somewhere out there
beyond my detection
Just hope these sorries find their way to you

I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

I'm an ocean of emotions
When we hit rough seas
That's when you don't see
The best parts of me
I'm sorry in my anger
I can get violent
Sometimes I just can't stay silent
I lose control when this rage stays caged
And that is one of my greatest flaws
Hurt people that mean so much to me
Out of anger and stupidity
I'm sorry for the bruises and marks
I'm sorry for all the hurting parts
I'm sorry for the damaged soul
I'm sorry I lost control of my thoughts
Let rage overpower,
still, decisions made in moments of regret
These are moments that weren't my best
Maybe that's why they say rage is blind
Cuz we don't see in those moments
What we become, It's only after it is done

I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

I'm sorry for all the missed signs
and all of the misinterpreted lines
I'm sorry to those that I've offended
I'm sorry to those I couldn't connect with
I'm sorry that sometimes I struggle to find the line
I cross that thing a lot of the time
I'm sorry for the worries
I'm sorry for the tears
I'm sorry for filling you with fears
I'm sorry for the times I just couldn't bring myself to write
I'm sorry for all the failed lines
And mediocre rhymes
I'm sorry this took me a long time

I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

Dear me, are you listening...
Most of all I'm sorry to you
And for all the things I've put myself through
I'm sorry for tearing myself apart for art
I'm sorry for holding out air from my lungs
I'm sorry for all the times that I've looked in the mirror
Only to call me ****, a monster, a freak
Frequent hate to which most can relate
I'm sorry for all the self-loathing
I'm sorry for the sleepless nights
And the endless fights inside my own mind
I'm sorry for saying, I'll never be enough
I'm sorry for not being able to let myself love

I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

I'm sorry to the girls
Who wanted my love
I couldn't return the love they gave
Cuz I didn't feel the same way
I'm sorry to the friends that I cut off
I only did what I thought was best
I'm sorry that this life of mine is still a mess
I'm sorry to the girls that I hurt with words
Out of jealousy or rejection
I'm sorry for the lyrics that I wrote about you
May have been something said that hurt
I'm sorry I take so long to learn

I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

I'm sorry that in my weakness I want to die
I'm sorry that I struggle with this life
I'm sorry for all the crazy things that cross my mind
I'm sorry for all the broken promises
I'm sorry I haven't achieved any of my dreams
I'm sorry that I'm inconsistent
I'm sorry that I claim I'm a victim
I'm sorry for the times I don't accept the blame
I'm sorry for the jokes I made that were lame
I'm sorry that this song is full of sorries
I'm sorry to all those people I've wronged
I'm sorry to myself for never feeling real love
I'm sorry for having no faith in a god above

I'm going to write this one in blood
Just so you know it's straight from my heart
Where should I begin, where do I start?
Let me fill a new page with art
This was written in the dark
By the candlelight spark
****** ink spilt across the page
With all these things
That I just have to say
It all comes bursting out my chest
Just so you know I mean what it is that's said
So that this can all heal and mend

©2018 Written By Benji James
It's taken me so long to write something completely new, but I finally did it, I sat myself down and finally just gathered some motivation to finally finish something. :P
Alaina Moore Jul 2018
Mouth over mind;
I could have said that better.
I’m sick and I don’t know how to be helped.
I am lonely in a crowded room.
Grasping for something that
simply isn’t there.
The silence is laced with disrespect,
and the disregard leaches my hope.
Articulation like strangulation,
each sentence a new meal
shoved down my throat.
Perhaps that’s where my appetite fled,
full of past statements
out of context.
I need a break that’s not from a bat.
I need compassion that isn’t laced with guilt.
Above all else I need honesty.
Without that all I have is chaos.
I’d ask you to keep me in your mind,
among all the impulsive desires
to self-indulge.
I lie to friends
And family.
I say that I’m okay.
I lie to myself
Saying that I don’t need help.
I lie to you
Saying that I don’t want you as something more.
I lie a lot. They're little white lies that hurt no one but myself, but they're lies all the same.
Brooke Andolino Jul 2018
I’m sorry
This is overdue
I’m sorry
I did that to you
I’m sorry
We stayed together after I told you
I’m sorry
That note was ever needed to be wrote
I’m sorry
It was because of me
I’m sorry
The gun didn’t have bullets
I’m sorry
The window in ur room wasn’t high enough
I’m sorry
There wasnt A rope
I’m sorry
That note was left for me to find
I’m sorry
It didn’t work
Im sorry
You felt obligated to get me back
I’m sorry
My best friend volunteered
I’m sorry
You did it more times to hurt me
I’m sorry
I pushed you to putting the bruises on ur heart into my wrist
I’m sorry
I embarrassed you
I’m sorry
You made me look down the fall before I jumped
I’m sorry
I didn’t do it cause of you
I’m sorry
I wish I still could
I’m sorry
It’s been two years and my life is still all cause of you
I’m sorry
All of this is my fault
I’m sorry.
ISHA Sep 2018
I'm tired and nobody sees that I'm trying here.
But I dont know how to help myself
No body taught me that. Nobody thought to I guess.

I've accepted that no one cares, and no one ever will.
I come here when times are rough. And I'm sorry.
I come to pour those tears I've been holding for years. And I'm sorry.
You've seen blood, and felt pain. And I'm sorry.
I stand here to scream my apologies. Because even If you cant see me, I know you can hear me.
I'm sorry.
The uniVerse Jun 2018
Beauty lies bereft and bound
it cries for help but utters no sound
mascara kisses fade from your lips
etched by lovers worn fingertips
purple rings around sullen eyes
the broken skin it never lies
fists of thunder make not the man
nor the swift strike of back of hand
a thousand apologies can never repair
the displacement of a single hair
for she is not an object for you to own
she is a Queen that deserves a throne
and if she allows you to enter her chamber
it's also her decision if you should remain there.
her beauty is boundless
and cannot be tamed
all those who try
should be shamed

***** I have shared my poems on this website now since 2015 and this is my first daily, it has been a privilege and I appreciate all the lovely comments <3 *****
MJL Mar 21
Again
Stomp that rake
Again
Nose that wall
Again
Bleed your bla
Again
Rub your lamp
Again
Smell your *******
Again
Take a bite of denial
I’m full
ren Nov 2018
all i think about is you,
how you might not be feeling well
and you’re probably quite overwhelmed
or how maybe you’re enjoying yourself
and smiling so brightly.
i wish i didn’t have to think of you,
someone who could think of someone else,
even if you’re so important to me,
there is someone else more important than me
and at the end of the day,
i’ll have to face it when you say,
it’s just not you.
i prepare myself-
i prepare myself for a far worse heartbreak,
i do not understand why,
should i simply just let go?
it feels so impossible,
letting go of yet another one of my loves
and i don’t want to just simply let go
because i want to hold on so tightly
and to stay for as long as i can.
my heart will have to accept the pain,
the pain it may possibly be given
but for now,
i’ll have to wait for you,
no matter how long it takes-
i will wait.
i can no longer be quick to assume,
i just want you to know that i apologize,
i apologize for dragging you down
and making you feel like it’s all your fault,
that you made me feel this way,
when i am the one that makes me feel this way-
i am the one making such assumptions,
i am the one that makes the tears fall,
i am the one who chooses to cut off people,
i am the one to make such a big deal of this,
soon you’ll realize that i am the one
and it was never ever you.
maybe she’ll convince you of that
because i really can’t,
it is like my words have no meaning
or you’re just not hearing them.
you’ll have to do what you have to do,
say what you have to say,
do not let the guilt wash over you that day
because it’s about who you really feel for
and if it’s just not me,
i’ll understand because it always can’t be me.
i say i’ll stay even when you decide
but i’ll try,
i’ll really try just for you.



you: an angel, battling himself, tearing himself apart over losing someone he loves and breaking their heart. poor angel, why does he have to deal with such difficulties like me? he’ll have to say goodbye the day he decides and a small piece of his heart leaves only to be put back together by the one he loves the most. it’ll hurt but it’ll go away, he will get over it and maybe so will i. no end to his suffering, this poor angel i will simply never stop loving no matter if there’re more angels because he is my angel. i hope he does not regret his decision when the time comes because my angel will have the one he truly loves for once.
i poured my heart and feelings out in this, i really hope whoever sees this, enjoys it!
Kara Jean Sep 2017
I'm melted pink
Perfect, when that's all you see
My wine is divine
It makes my heart climb
You notice me
I have nothing
I drained it long ago, so please talk to the ego
He rules me
Thinking is now his duty
I am the dummy held up by strings
There are no apologies when it comes to being a broken queen
Once more I say please,
don't bother me
I'm destroying
rin maristela Mar 19
my lord's so great
i'd risk my life for him
but not a life we both made
out of love, that for now has ran out.

my cries and pleas for him
to forgive me, i had drown you
into the void now unheard of
and now it's really too late.

i hope you and my lord,
your father, forgive me;
there's now too much blood
i painted on both of you.

i am penitent of my sins
forever, i will all pay for it
until everything's in place
in our universe, all mended.

rest peacefully, our dearest angel.
we may not be talking for now and i may not know what's up about us now, but i'm sure your dad loves you just as much as i do when he'd finally know about you. i'm sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you and make you give up, if only i had known earlier. i love you so much, baby. til my last breath i'll forever cherish and remember you.
Catalina Sep 2018
You, piercing eyes staring without focus
**** covered statue symbolic of
Something.
You, unanswered prayer
Steadfast in composure and
Soft apologies.

You, butterfly wings
Pulled from body by curious child
And empty envelops
Shredded from each edge
No longer holding promise
Or capable of flight
So instead, promise spills from me.

You, easily excitable smile.
You, patience.
You, stone.

You, reckless atmosphere
Tumbling through my lungs.
If only my lungs were built like
Two bodies in conversation.
You, broken English and the exact
Wrong thing to say.

I, one single body.
I, pious and shredded and refilled.
Elioinai Aug 2018
You had never learned to love
I had never learned to rebel
The rebel dating the lover
You couldn’t understand my anger
I couldn’t understand your lack of compassion
You’d been your own person all your life
I was just becoming my owner
I had nurtured and been a model of good
You hardly knew your mother
You grew tired of my struggle with my parents
I grew tired of your lack of apologies
In the end,
the rebel knew himself better
and left
Behind a crushed me
who didn’t know how to let go of love
Until I became a rebel too
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