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"ammonia" poems
I stood there, Tall and proud, Half yard behind Death drop, Vortex form at toes, Put fish world in spin. Crush moss trees with Splashing feet. One long gaze Left to right, Miles of pool and stream Spelling poetry in cursive Through eroded landscape. Zip down, Junk out. Open gates of flesh tap Muscle relax, Fresh release Of human nectar. Light separation Casting rainbow shimmer, A dancing upright Tower of liquid. Gravity outstretch Palm grip And connect Via web of Golden pour, Chaps eye to Mother earth. A converging Of torrents, Saturating transparent terrain With saffron and lemon. The taste in a frog's mouth Of sweet ammonia. Clench, And donation over. A momentary meld Of man and nature. Those few seconds Putting context into me: At one with the scenery, An extension of environment, A limb of creation.
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Sep 20, 2015
Sep 20, 2015 at 8:15 AM UTC
******* Down a Waterfall
Windex mice squeak through the windows, biting newspaper as it scrapes across. Soap from a new age fills the kitchen, sheeps' fat long forgotten, the sod-house of Laura Ingalls Wilder left behind with its crumbling Lincoln logs, the ceiling that drops dirt crumbs like a gritty pastry. Our world is shiny, so blinding that even the cough of newsprint makes it brighter. A bottle sneezes across the counter, spurts those bubbles of ammonia, gathers with the rivers and tides that surge with ethanol, it bursts the air with a neon smell and erases everything that has come before.
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Feb 28, 2012
Feb 28, 2012 at 1:01 AM UTC
Cleaning
I stand here poised Like a bored gazelle about to leap Not in the Serengeti But leaning against a bin Near Frankfurt It is a wrought iron bin Of fine craftsmanship But all I can smell is **** The **** of a thousand dogs Over one hundread years Marking their patch And having no thought For this man Who would have his senses offended By their ammonia picket fence. Perhapse I will move
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Jul 17, 2015
Jul 17, 2015 at 10:58 AM UTC
The Bored Gazelle
Her eyes burned from ammonia and snow as she shoveled the driveway in the parts where the cat litter failed to appropriate traction. This is what cars are for she said before she slipped away onto a twin mattress next to pile of laundry and a pillow of books. Sleeping with dryer hot clothes is only comfortable until you realize you are still alone and loneliness is only formidable when you know it is indefinite. So she folded each item into a pile and wondered if a suitcase wouldn't be better than her dresser. But running away is not an answer like pit bulls and vipers having daughters, even though they ran out of formaldehyde and jars.
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Aug 11, 2011
Aug 11, 2011 at 8:17 PM UTC
One Night Stands with Ex's
Its faded pink parka, Stretched tight across its shoulders Even in the summer twilight, Crinkles, stale newspapers and plastic bags Cacophony with the rhythmic Thud of shopping cart wheels. Its rotten malt liquor stench-- Astringent ammonia sweat Runs in rancid rivulets down Decaying skin on decaying face. Pimples and pus and Meth-notched teeth. It offers a drink In exchange for change. My pockets jangle noisily, But I offer only empty hands.
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Aug 11, 2011
Aug 11, 2011 at 9:09 PM UTC
Animal of Liberty Park
We sit cross-legged in the story corner Breathing faint ammonia smells. Table chants and hymns echo through corridor acoustics, All creatures great and small. We are wedged in a tangle of podgy thighs, Grazed knees, scabs and warts. And Anthony is sitting alone again Where he can do no harm. Yet he said he would bring it, and bring it he has. Its tiny white head is nosing over The  hem of his pocket, Whiskers a-twitch and Eyes like tiny blood blisters ripe for popping. A shudder of shivering whispers and Nervous heads are half turned: Yes, Anthony is smiling his special smile. Mrs Lloyd has found the page, My lids are squeezed tight As I urge my mind to follow her away From here, away from now. For playtime will be ****** once again.
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Mar 21, 2011
Mar 21, 2011 at 3:20 AM UTC
Playtime will be ******
six-inch heels abandoned in lampless corner       grimy pennies embedded in carpet rent's due wedding band girl "fab polka dot frocks" waterfalling past knees        outta place on casino bus destined for rest under Ft. Worth stars now, now    ********* borealis speckled dice true love waits socialite lip balm and bourgeoisie hips compete in bidding war over which black face triggerpulls which black face eyes the ground passerby the red light      the green light all night diner    egg on chin   coffee-stained porcelain   teeth "I forgave, I think. I forget." crowded and paranoid in the left lane    the right lane empty and weak and surrender and soiled underwear in ammonia nursing home children is a word     time is a lie the polka dot and the interstate ain't selling divorce the consequence of acoustic shadows reblog   undo   #sotrue    reblog living through x-ray radiotherapy the dotted gown never the veiny calves or the blush or the eyeliner somewhere in North Texas shawtys are in the club shawtys are backin' it up    shawtys are dropin' it down hit me+hit me+hit me=blackjack mishap the marvel of the wind and of wind turbines cognac decade brides     the epitome of class and natural elegance standing like oil derricks and treated like oil wells so secretive and philanthropic this taxon remains nameless casino turned dance hall   dance hall   skinny ties still a thing this wine is good. is it a merlot?    no.    this is purely recreational for birthdays   for weddings    and Ft. Worth missionaries 10-50 passengers   we've got 53, no 54 #hahahaha #whoops #party who needs unprescribed drugs? me, me (!) decomposing mascara sweat on brow the interstate no longer lit polka dots has got the suicide by Manet pulled up on her iPhone the financial stress   which shudders warm-blooded moms on her lips    every mother a librarian   every mother a swing-pusher but digression    next to bitterness   the lowest sin edging the cultural gateway of the old west miracles in and miracles out of tradition following the slender bends of middle ancient Trinity River children a word   pattycake a game and time   time a lie we left to museum panoramas
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Feb 2, 2013
Feb 2, 2013 at 8:12 PM UTC
on the borderland
six-inch heels abandoned in lampless corner       grimy pennies embedded in carpet rent's due wedding band girl "fab polka dot frocks" waterfalling past knees        outta place on casino bus destined for rest under Ft. Worth stars now, now    ********* borealis speckled dice true love waits socialite lip balm and bourgeoisie hips compete in bidding war over which black face triggerpulls which black face eyes the ground passerby the red light      the green light all night diner    egg on chin   coffee-stained porcelain   teeth "I forgave, I think. I forget." crowded and paranoid in the left lane    the right lane empty and weak and surrender and soiled underwear in ammonia nursing home children is a word     time is a lie the polka dot and the interstate ain't selling divorce the consequence of acoustic shadows reblog   undo   #sotrue    reblog living through x-ray radiotherapy the dotted gown never the veiny calves or the blush or the eyeliner somewhere in North Texas shawtys are in the club shawtys are backin' it up    shawtys are dropin' it down hit me+hit me+hit me=blackjack mishap the marvel of the wind and of wind turbines cognac decade brides     the epitome of class and natural elegance standing like oil derricks and treated like oil wells so secretive and philanthropic this taxon remains nameless casino turned dance hall   dance hall   skinny ties still a thing this wine is good. is it a merlot?    no.    this is purely recreational for birthdays   for weddings    and Ft. Worth missionaries 10-50 passengers   we've got 53, no 54 #hahahaha #whoops #party who needs unprescribed drugs? me, me (!) decomposing mascara sweat on brow the interstate no longer lit polka dots has got the suicide by Manet pulled up on her iPhone the financial stress   which shudders warm-blooded moms on her lips    every mother a librarian   every mother a swing-pusher but digression    next to bitterness   the lowest sin edging the cultural gateway of the old west miracles in and miracles out of tradition following the slender bends of middle ancient Trinity River children a word   pattycake a game and time   time a lie we left to museum panoramas
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Smoky pores: so familiar sticky necks and inner elbows alone I am a flamingo in soft pink cotton free chested bare legged artificial air from blades spun wild- a source for white noise and companionship I miss the greasy weather take away my wired bed shove it under the frame to spend this time together most exposed as I sleep admire my black heads and the semi-permanent smell of fire and ammonia despite the bursting thermometer and idle thermostat your breath on my arms is no nuisance wake me up at six in the morning and kiss my smoky skin
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Oct 21, 2012
Oct 21, 2012 at 4:41 PM UTC
summer.
Its sun-bleached pink parka Limply hung over slumped, thin shoulders Even in the summer twilight, Crinkles, stale newspapers and plastic bags Dissonance with the jarring Rattle of shopping cart wheels. Its rank malt liquor stench— Astringent ammonia sweat Runs in rancid rivulets down Decaying skin on decaying face. Pimples and pus and Meth-notched teeth. It offers a drink In exchange for change. My watch has never been more riveting.
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Jan 14, 2012
Jan 14, 2012 at 1:15 AM UTC
Animal of Liberty Park (REVISION)
In the days when dry ******* was as far as it went I just fancied you more. Strange I should think of this, after the one positive stick in an ammonia scented carrier bag of negatives, or not. Like a car salesman in a too often dry cleaned suit, I enticed you with lurid banners offering years of hetro milage. "££££££££££££££s of savings, no contraception needed, this one wants a bun in it's **** loving oven", and as I ***** down my eyes at the sound of rustling sheets, signifying an imagined eroticism, a rub down with an ******** my friends would squeal for, I'm wishing you were a chick with a strap on.
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Dec 14, 2010
Dec 14, 2010 at 11:43 PM UTC
An Omission
o, rèmy martin dreamer, with cheap hen on your breath. the good brown is not the backwoods or juul pods in virgina tobacco, & maybe the good brown manifests in my hair, before the ammonia, touching my scalp and turning it as red as my tongue after a strawberry lollipop. everything tastes like you. & i wish i could touch you again, just hold your hand, brush your elbow, play with your hair. but i also wish i could drive a thousand machetes into your flesh, while screaming & writhing with trash-sickened fervor . you are vomit-inducing. you smell like a thousand patchouli-burning stoners, but you feel like velvet and taste like sugar-sweat. you might be popping a xan right now, knee-deep in beautiful girls. and i'm still dope-sick.
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Apr 3, 2018
Apr 3, 2018 at 12:14 PM UTC
an ode to trash
X marks the spot, A man in overalls and rubber gloves tells me Go stand there, son And pick the bones & beaks Out of the Chicken press The whole factory reeked of ammonia I went home reeking of ammonia. Chicken conveyor-belts With upside-down chickens on hooks Riding slowly over one master neck-splitting saw Heads in baskets For when the master saw cuts too deep I watched them come & go... The factory was filled with silent mechanical drumming Eventually, I went home Silent & mechanical.
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Jul 30, 2012
Jul 30, 2012 at 6:55 AM UTC
Monsanto
Cosmic serpent Flies in circles Orbits earths Visits vessels Stings and wrestles Prowls the plain The desert arrangements Faces fire no fear Takes one look at the spider Sees through the fire Undresses the only envy The necessity plenty Of spiraling ascent To meaning manifest A plunge into the nest of the fortune cookie prophecies Fate pulled from a hat In the terraforming visions of the seven breasted harpy speech devours itself The visioneer’s ouroboros precludes ovals of assimilation clinging tight to the exoteric The vessel rejects the half digested An ammonia laden upheaval Dispelling folderol with blinding reverence Inviting tragedy with nostalgic foresight Wet nightmares Logic abandons the visioneer ****** into the opposite of static
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Sep 3, 2014
Sep 3, 2014 at 9:59 PM UTC
visioneer
lavender lilacs blueberries and cream the scent of you: ammonia sweet ether acrid chemicals the scent of us: plucked, withered and putrid purple flowers, blueberry pie and ***
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Oct 2, 2013
Oct 2, 2013 at 7:28 AM UTC
the scent of me:
Around 93 million miles from darling precious mother Earth, First appeared glory sun, In ecliptic stroll, She'll orbit through her universe, Dances past Mercury, Stops for no party, Cos this planet's party's lacking atmosphere, Scally-wag sun scoots by Venus, Burning hot herself, Shining brightly in the darkness, Phosphorescent glow, Hesperus, the evening star, first one to be seen at night, Phosphorous the morning star, the last planet to bid us goodnight, When the morning comes in sight Our lady home is next in line, A planet rich with all life's treasures, Mars she sits quietly dressed in red, Has no water, not sure if she's always been dead, Jupiter, has severe acne, shown in one red spot immense, she has no atmosphere, what gas she has is toxic, ammonia, methane, hydrogen, The biggest baby of them all, Saturn wears no wedding rings, has bands of ice particulate skirting round it's girth, Uranus not much to say, he hangs around in space all day, as the Greek God of the sky, Watching as the other world's go by, Neptune, Roman God of the seas in planet form, Pluto, chilled, the coldest one of all. I hope you enjoyed this, it was extremely hard to write!! By ladylivvi1 © 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)
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Jul 2, 2013
Jul 2, 2013 at 4:00 PM UTC
Universe!
where? in a land far, far away suburbia about to crack every Jim, Joe and Jack solicits money for dope with no hope for a future for his kids cause he’s broke                 he hasn’t seen them in a couple of years                 there are all these mannequins they walk around like they’re people they got the houses like us they got their malls and their steeples imagine the hand that feeds them buys ammonia and they give it to the kids yeah, they put it in the pigs   before they’re porkchops and ribs they take a little arsenic and sprinkle it on carrots because they heard the brand has merit it's like a different planet once they had orange men and pink and they didn’t get along they said the colours were wrong and they fought, of course they fought because that’s in all of nature but they were given a few thousand years they never quite figured it out it was a failure and they never found a cure and they never did mature til the sky came falling down and it’s a different time a different place it’s not even the human race but citizens get robbed by banks held hostage with a gun in face so I hope that though the words I speak are really just absurd they’ll send a message that is heard                                      almost there                                                 be the change                                                               with your                                                                            words.
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Dec 5, 2011
Dec 5, 2011 at 6:52 AM UTC
a far away land
where? in a land far, far away suburbia about to crack every Jim, Joe and Jack solicits money for dope with no hope for a future for his kids cause he’s broke                 he hasn’t seen them in a couple of years                 there are all these mannequins they walk around like they’re people they got the houses like us they got their malls and their steeples imagine the hand that feeds them buys ammonia and they give it to the kids yeah, they put it in the pigs   before they’re porkchops and ribs they take a little arsenic and sprinkle it on carrots because they heard the brand has merit it's like a different planet once they had orange men and pink and they didn’t get along they said the colours were wrong and they fought, of course they fought because that’s in all of nature but they were given a few thousand years they never quite figured it out it was a failure and they never found a cure and they never did mature til the sky came falling down and it’s a different time a different place it’s not even the human race but citizens get robbed by banks held hostage with a gun in face so I hope that though the words I speak are really just absurd they’ll send a message that is heard                                      almost there                                                 be the change                                                               with your                                                                            words.
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50
or like today, almost any other day like today, but today i matched up two analogies with cooking; i once only stated that doing organic chemistry experiments were like cooking, broths of sweets and sours (esters and ammonia compounds respectively) - they did seem so at the time and still are, while smashing vegetables dipped in liquid nitrogen against the laboratory floor, but today, almost like any other day like today i started cooking a chicken makhani (indian butter chicken), past the stage of frying onions, garlic-ginger paste, past adding the spices: garam masala ground cumin chilli powder cayenne pepper salt & pepper, past the stage of adding butter, milk and crème fraîche, and chopped tomatoes, past the stage of then dipping the chicken in to let it poach for more tenderness than if fried prior (as the recipe suggested), then... when i noticed the spice colours diluted by the dairy ingredients i peered into the culinary warlock’s cauldron and uttered what fiction critics would have said of a bestseller spy novel... ‘mmm... the plot thickens.’ side dish? lemon rice.
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Oct 14, 2015
Oct 14, 2015 at 10:20 AM UTC
comparative literature / culinary warlock's cauldron
the boy enters when he knows others will not be there in prayer--their silent entreaties to a god he is not sure listens or cares morning after mass is best; the bouquets are fresh he can smell them once the scent of the early worshipers fades: the pipe smoke from the old man's coat the widow's perfume which lingers longer than the ammonia stench of the holy homeless who is there every day Christ watches over this: a white marble man bolted to a cross, witnessing this spectacle for millennia long before this cold statue was placed in this cathedral, he was there, the slaughtered lamb cursed to die again and again that is how the boy sees it; not a promised life eternal, but the same death anon, anon the pounding of the stakes, the blood offering: the old man, the woman, the mendicant all crucifying him again with each plaintive prayer once their odors fade, the funeral sprays, the bouquets remain--cut, dying flowers, a fragrant impermanence with no expectation for life beyond their time in the vase--no imploring a godhead for forgiveness no demand for blood and perpetual death only a little water for their brief journey in fragile glass
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Jun 23, 2017
Jun 23, 2017 at 12:54 AM UTC
the church
Finally Award moments passed Bound in the future Free of the past Illiterate Unable to read minds Tell what your thinking Crossed lines Thin Translucent Visions crystal clear Clawing out Drawing near Closets open Step through Experience Passion Pleasure Emotions of your soul I wont tell No one knows Friendly flirtation Sticky situations Tip of your tongue Searching for explanations Just having fun Put in a box Categories aren't me Touch my heart Little black sheep Big lion roar Spread your wings Soar Air breezing round Sulking cross town Tell that you feel Kiss sof Unreal Dreaming up a lifetime Seems laying here Smell of ammonia White everywhere Your my lifeline Broken pieces beating as one They wont accept our love Murray
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Feb 26, 2012
Feb 26, 2012 at 12:29 PM UTC
Father & Son pt 1
we're almost nowhere. just one more block... the town clock a white dot with prayer hands and a mute halo we inveigle the fireflies in our mantis our mantras throw tantrums in tandem we polish lanterns and leave chrysanthemums for Amish sirens. your wine a thick miasma of phantasms a Cabernet of rich spasms in the delicate worm your apple turns. off again and another alabaster more pale than actual... the fat uvula pendulum in the dark tower where the bats nap in ammonia, fuming with green dreams that turn black the clock, behind the white solemn. a virtual girl. an un-promise promised one hand over your heart indivisible halfway.
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Jun 10, 2013
Jun 10, 2013 at 9:56 PM UTC
We're Almost Nowhere. Just One More Block...
Let blood be blood. Let it not be a metaphor for coming of age. Let it not be a phobia, nor trigger nor gang. Let blood be blood. Let a cat be a cat. Let your house smell like ammonia. Let it claw your carpet. Let it cure your anxiety. Let it knock over grandpa. Let ashes be ashes. Let dust be dust. Let a vacuum be a vacuum. Let a soul be a soul. Let blood be blood. Let a baby be a baby. Let it crawl around and do baby **** Let a tantrum be a tantrum. Let ***** be ***** Let a mother be a mother. Let a bigot be a bigot. Let an opinion be an opinion. Let a fire be a fire. Let an ******* be an ******* Let a woman be a woman. Let a cow be a cow. Yes he does use he pronouns now. Let the utter be an utter. Let the bull be a bull. Let the cow be a bull. Let a podium be a podium. Let a speech be a speech. Let a poet be a poet. Let a revolution be a revolution. Let blood be blood.
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Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 9:23 PM UTC
Let Blood be blood
The Last Doughboy went marching home mustered up to heaven to rest in perfect peace never went over the top when he was over there drove an ambulance to save the last dying bits of humanity excavated from the craters reeking with mud and blood the turgid stench of blessed death wafts through the muddled labyrinth a ghastly kingdom of rats and men intractable mazes of hate, hope and waste led by inept generals vainglorious politicians promising triumphant victory while begging disastrous defeat bold shouts of advance lead to routed retreats global trench warfare the sweet earthen coffins empathy's last gasp compassion's last stand gurgling lungs gagging on gas imploding on clotting blood liquid ammonia sears sensitive retinas wafting flash of fire burns eyes forever shut concussive bursts bludgeon eardrums ripped bodies of friends splayed onto comrades the macabre rouge a terrible war paint liberally applied with stunning result by the industrial rattle of cantankerous Gatlings better minds thought it the war to end all wars the horrific scenes of waste the pleading lips of starved children the last Doughboy saw it all a lucky Johnny who marched home he thought the horror of WWI would be enough to end all wars yet all is not quiet on the western front Johnny's still got lots of gruesome guns distressed humanity remains very busy carting away human rubble from our apocalyptic trenches go to your reward valiant Doughboy *"leave us citizens of death's gray land, drawing no dividend from time's tomorrows." Siegfried Sassoon* Dedicated to Frank Buckles (February 1, 1901 – February 27, 2011) Godspeed Beloved Oakland 3/1/11 jbm
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Nov 11, 2011
Nov 11, 2011 at 9:11 AM UTC
The Last Doughboy
The Last Doughboy went marching home mustered up to heaven to rest in perfect peace never went over the top when he was over there drove an ambulance to save the last dying bits of humanity excavated from the craters reeking with mud and blood the turgid stench of blessed death wafts through the muddled labyrinth a ghastly kingdom of rats and men intractable mazes of hate, hope and waste led by inept generals vainglorious politicians promising triumphant victory while begging disastrous defeat bold shouts of advance lead to routed retreats global trench warfare the sweet earthen coffins empathy's last gasp compassion's last stand gurgling lungs gagging on gas imploding on clotting blood liquid ammonia sears sensitive retinas wafting flash of fire burns eyes forever shut concussive bursts bludgeon eardrums ripped bodies of friends splayed onto comrades the macabre rouge a terrible war paint liberally applied with stunning result by the industrial rattle of cantankerous Gatlings better minds thought it the war to end all wars the horrific scenes of waste the pleading lips of starved children the last Doughboy saw it all a lucky Johnny who marched home he thought the horror of WWI would be enough to end all wars yet all is not quiet on the western front Johnny's still got lots of gruesome guns distressed humanity remains very busy carting away human rubble from our apocalyptic trenches go to your reward valiant Doughboy *"leave us citizens of death's gray land, drawing no dividend from time's tomorrows." Siegfried Sassoon* Dedicated to Frank Buckles (February 1, 1901 – February 27, 2011) Godspeed Beloved Oakland 3/1/11 jbm
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76
Finally Award moments passed Bound in the future Free of the past Illiterate Unable to read minds Tell what your thinking Crossed lines Thin Translucent Visions crystal clear Clawing out Drawing near Closets open Step through Experience Passion Pleasure Emotions of your soul I wont tell No one knows Friendly flirtation Sticky situations Tip of your tongue Searching for explanations Just having fun Put in a box Categories aren't me Touch my heart Little black sheep Big lion roar Spread your wings Soar Air breezing round Sulking cross town Tell that you feel Kiss sof Unreal Dreaming up a lifetime Seems laying here Smell of ammonia White everywhere Your my lifeline Broken pieces beating as one They wont accept our love Murray
0
Feb 26, 2012
Feb 26, 2012 at 12:29 PM UTC
Father & Son pt 1
First cigarette of the day: In goes the toxic particles, Everything from ammonia to yeast all rolled up in a white and tan piece of paper. Out goes the smoke, along with every negative feeling your body has ever been laced with. You'd blow it all out, hoping the smoke would take your problems away and let everything disintegrate into the wind as if you'd never see any trace of your issues again. But if that were true, you wouldn't need another one. Don't you dare touch another one. Second cigarette of the day: The smoke and feelings that you exhaled earlier in the morning, Is now a ghost that's haunting you, Slowly taking over your body until you're withering away into dust. It's now a trail that follows you around and makes you stand out, There is no escaping it. Your problems are still relevant and floating in the air, And you wonder why you can't **** them. You inhale the ghosts that were once just mere feelings, And you exhale an active tornado. Third cigarette of the day: Your ghosts have become demons that have broken through your protective rib cage into your lungs, Which are now barren and wilted from setting them on fire, Over and over again. They tear past your heart and soul to make you cough up your anger and regret, Just to have you swallow it again. Your clothes reek, Your teeth are yellowing, And it's all because you wanted to breathe out your mere issues, That just turned into haunting memories.
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Feb 20, 2014
Feb 20, 2014 at 7:01 PM UTC
SMOKE
This useless meat sack. I am the thing watching behind the eyes of this empty meat sack. I am the one piloting this sausage of a body, directing it to walk, talk, smile. Sometimes I wish that I could reach into my chest and tear it open. I want to rip and tear and slice past the epidermis, watch the white fatty cells and veins and arteries moving. I want to see white, bone-white, a cage for my useless heart. Watch my heart pump like those sheep hearts we used to dissect in science. I remember how they looked, white fat clinging like ivy, and greying in the cool room of the labs. Nothing but a cold, clammy lump of flesh. Maybe death smells like the butchers. Like bleach that can’t cover the festering smell of rot and ammonia. I’m heavy on my ankles. I remember the last time I starved, and I felt as if I could fly, balanced on my tip-toes, poised to fall. And maybe falling felt just as good. It’s so unbearably soft. My chest, my arms. I can feel my cheek meat. Fat on bones. Scrape it out with a spoon like pork cheeks, soft, tender, delicious. A chrysalis. A cut-out, a hollow man wearing hollow shoes doing hollow things. How did that pupa feel, I wonder, trapped in darkness? No way out but forward. The growing pains, tendons and bones and muscles warping. Twisting and crawling but transforming, little by little. Into what, you can’t possibly imagine. The uncertainty, it’s almost as bad as the darkness. No change even when you open your eyes, like colours have frozen into little dizzying pixels. You can’t stop, but do you want to? On the precipice between weakness and a terrifying something else, what can you be but monstrous? Not one or the other but neither. What are you turning into? A butterfly? A monster? Neither? You can’t stop.
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Dec 30, 2021
Dec 30, 2021 at 2:39 AM UTC
Dysphoric dysmorphic euphoria
This useless meat sack. I am the thing watching behind the eyes of this empty meat sack. I am the one piloting this sausage of a body, directing it to walk, talk, smile. Sometimes I wish that I could reach into my chest and tear it open. I want to rip and tear and slice past the epidermis, watch the white fatty cells and veins and arteries moving. I want to see white, bone-white, a cage for my useless heart. Watch my heart pump like those sheep hearts we used to dissect in science. I remember how they looked, white fat clinging like ivy, and greying in the cool room of the labs. Nothing but a cold, clammy lump of flesh. Maybe death smells like the butchers. Like bleach that can’t cover the festering smell of rot and ammonia. I’m heavy on my ankles. I remember the last time I starved, and I felt as if I could fly, balanced on my tip-toes, poised to fall. And maybe falling felt just as good. It’s so unbearably soft. My chest, my arms. I can feel my cheek meat. Fat on bones. Scrape it out with a spoon like pork cheeks, soft, tender, delicious. A chrysalis. A cut-out, a hollow man wearing hollow shoes doing hollow things. How did that pupa feel, I wonder, trapped in darkness? No way out but forward. The growing pains, tendons and bones and muscles warping. Twisting and crawling but transforming, little by little. Into what, you can’t possibly imagine. The uncertainty, it’s almost as bad as the darkness. No change even when you open your eyes, like colours have frozen into little dizzying pixels. You can’t stop, but do you want to? On the precipice between weakness and a terrifying something else, what can you be but monstrous? Not one or the other but neither. What are you turning into? A butterfly? A monster? Neither? You can’t stop.
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