twelve

         If i could write a letter to my twelve your old self, i would mention the pain your about to face, with self loathing and mental health is far worse then the years before. I would mention how when you wake up wipe the sleep from your eyes and read this letter and find two people you loved gone from your life forever. When you leave your plastic car framed bed you will find an empty room in the basement. The first loss is not death but abandenment leaves no answer to the sting a heart can feel when your older sister meant to guide you has ran away.  She has left, and to what you shall soon find out, left you to your death. The second loss has less thought to the idea of why? but still i did cry. It was my great grandmothers time. Her slow pace death lead to suffering till one week to the day after i turned twelve.  Emotional asking questions why, three days later i tightened my silk tie putting on a suit and ending the night seeing the casket of one of you. To think of you as dead eased my head for a while but still have to replace my frown with a fake smile. After all i lost a sister, when i needed someone to talk you were never there. Instead i just found myself cutting and dyeing my hair.  This is the year you feel your fathers strong hand as you tremble below it. This is the year you tremble in fear this is the first year you want to die

Thirteen

      To my thirteen year old self, im sorry life doesnt get better. im sorry that this is year your parents admit they don't care.  Im sorry this is the year you hear the three words no one wants or deserves to know their pain. Even though the words "I hate you" Were uttered in vain. Im sorry no one was there to hold you in there arms, im sorry of how when looked in the mirror every morniing after you showered  telling yourself its a new day and the pain is past. Im so sorry of how you found out how long the pain really lasts. Look at what you have achieved though, this is the year you win first in all categories invited to Kick Canada to again win. You achieve a bronze as a group, silver in your weopons, and gold in kickboxing. With you feeling weighed down your still weightless, with your amazing place and the smile on your face to look in the croud hearing the aplause. Somethings missing though your parents no where to be seen. Im sorry they wernt there to say good job im sorry your dads hand still strikes strong. This is the year you say enough though, you say no and strike back your foe. He stands stunned for a minute and walks away, the bruises faded away from the surface, but inside i still see them.  It is the night of my birthday i fall asleep praying tomorow will bring a better year.

Fourteen

     Im sorry this is not the year it gets better, your father never lays another hand to your dismay doesnt matter for his and your mothers word fly freely. This is the year they make you cry, only to insult you further "your nothing, your trash" there tounges did lash me. Til  i crashed under hate to my untimly fate, your mother is sick and you walk into the room as she slashes the blade across her wrist, you watch her bleed amd scream for help but she pretends u dont exsist she  spends the next year and eight monthes in psycitric care. Left in a house with nothing fair in the air my invitation ti nationals came and past i did not go in fear of leaving my mother would effect her more vast, past her yelling at ke eberyday i walked in the light blue room with the curtains always closed filled with gloom . While my mother on her last heartstrings looked for strength from her groom . Only to be filled with hate she saw me as a reminder he exsists and how he doesnt visit but i did. I walked the long path every **** day to see my mothers face still i wasnt good enough but that is just my luck. It is my last night of this age. The house is empty amd quite but still remains okay just praying thiis new year brings joy to the now broken boy.

Fifteen

     This is not the year it gets better neither, but this os the year your mother is released. It took a week for the smiles to wear away. Then i saw once again the skin tare from her flesh. Soon hate took over the tone under her breath and malace mixed with spite is the only thing left of my mother i once knew. This is the year you once again face death, you and your mother are in a car driving counting breaths singing along to eminem, reciting robert frost. when suddenly a car passes us and my mother is crossed the mid age lady on her phone swirving around, not paying atention to anyone or anything i still see her frown. She ran a stop sighn without a thought hit by a garbage truck in front of our eyes now i know the cost of when her cellphone conversation stopped. This was the first time i watched someone die. Still shocked  my mother had to call the abulence as i and the garbage man saw the damage in case she still did breath. In the end blood filled the scene as me amd the garbage man covered the front window with a sheet to protect what is left of this womens dignity. This is the year you fond a little blue pill that not only eases your pain if snorted aslo goves you a thrill. This is the first year that you almost sucsessfully kil.l... yourself going to sleep for this living hell praying next year could be better aswell.

Sixteen

     This year is a self medicated blur, this is the year you forgot who you were. T3s replaced with perks and shots only to be soon replaced with oxys in your black box crushed and lined one at a time up your nose the powder glides. The first night you try an 80 you overdose nearly comitoce as you spew a frothy white  fluid from your mouth but my freinds saved me to this day i dnt know how called said i passed out and cant drive home so my parents could never figure out how i lay on the tiled floor back from death after this a pill is never again accepted that is your debt 2 days to your birthday that cursid day your sober but that was just babby steps and i promise little soilder babby steps you would not regret.

Seventeen

      This is the year you stopped praying for help thinking you did this to yourself i promise it wasnt you. How could it be your still just in youth. This is the year you watch your father fall. You find the trail of debt 100 thousand dollars owed mine aswell of been a million for we can barely live so how would you like us to pay it back i finfd him stealing money from my backpack. This is the year you find out your dad is the same worth of a rat and you dont have to take his crap. This is the year he snaps and instead you help him back up. He was in achoma five days as you stayed never slept jus sat beside his hospital bed praying this did not mean death. Death came in a different way with your cousin brit stabbed to death by her husband on febuary fith.. this is the year you wished you diddnt exsist.

Eighteen

     This is the year.... you found the courage to see you will always be...good and thats enough for me.

me amd me ded arr heppie
wee plai calll ob dutie togeter
hourr favoorit movee id het fozz

wun dai he sai to mi
hoedw olds arrr yyou
i sai i an 176 h3 sai wen i *** urag i
*** 177

it mak noo sensse too mre

He fought, he raged through that dark, dark, night.
They fled before his fiury, his crimsom rage,
He searched ad searched, to find who made him feel, like he was in a cage.
He walked back amd forth, yet found not him,
Then he finaly realized, on that cold, bitter night, that the Enemy was not outside, but inside.

Heirlooms

Jun 2017

One day, parkouring through my uncles two story apartment,

I was drawn naturally to his desktop computer

upon which I found his OkCupid Dating profile.

I don't remember his username, Or anything about the site really,

But I remember the head-shot of a beautiful woman

framed above the desk

the sterile grey Rubbermaid totes behind me like caskets, 

How they made even the hardwood floors

look like they were holding in the dead.

For my Grandmothers birthday

my family gathered at Captain Newicks

her favorite seafood restaurant.

My uncle flirted with the waitress.

I don't think I've ever gone to a restaurant with my uncle where he

didn't flirt with the waitress.

Captain Newicks went out of business shortly after that dinner

followed shortly by my grandmothers life.

the relationship between my uncle and that waitress expired well

before both my Grandmother or Captain Newicks.

I remember asking my grandmother about my Uncle.

Tarots Fool would have predicted

my grandmothers eyelids

a silent prayer before her words.

He had two children by his first wife,

keeps a portrait of her above his desk.

She was a blessing on the family

Selfless amd loved by every one.

She took her own life

Spread her wings to break free from the cage He kept her locked in.

He buried his heart in her casket,

motorcycles, empty bottles

had a third child by a second wife

who buried her heart in drugs and strangers.

Amanda was 6 years old when her mother died.

my uncles wife. Her brother josh was 3

when she died my uncle wanted to put them both up for adoption

he didn't.

Their mother died on the 20th of September

a week after her 25th birthday.

their mother once bought a bunch of carnations

with a dead rose in the middle

and said "it looks like I'm dead".

she took a bottle of pills before going to a chinese restaurant

went out as a family

and collapsed at the table.

she was rushed to the hospital

she didn't make it.

their mother wasn't happy

her and my uncle were getting divorced at the time

lived in the same house that I grew up in.

when my uncle told the kids mommy wasn't coming home

my mother was 17 

and there to see all of it.

When my mother was 17 

she had to watch her baby cousins be told their mother had died.

When my grandmother passed.

grief bounced off of my uncles callouses

ricocheted to my cousins, robbed 

twice now of a selfless mother.

The tragedies in my family

have always enthralled me.

like shakespeare sonnets

I breath them into my faithless nights

tap an extra dream-catcher on my bedpost

in space of a prayer.

When The hearth-fire of our family dimmed 

a tealight in my grandmothers eyes.

grayed, Glossed.

she could no longer crochet 

one big dysfunctional quilt, 

together from our families yarn.

without her needle, 

I was determined to watch how our life spun forward.

The next time I saw my uncle,

He offered me a job.

Thick mosquito blinded us as we carried our sweat 

with Rubbermaid totes into a blue two story home 

deep in the evergreen thickets of Maine.

a tall white fan rotated slowly back and fourth 

Cooling the wet patches on our T-shirts while my Uncle 

flirted with the landlord

I still remember when my uncle tossed me the truck keys

the look of terror I gave him

How easy it was for him to trust

I guess when your heart is buried in a casket 

you stop worrying who has your keys.

It makes me remember

when my daughter asked for my keys 

I would sit her in the drivers seat

watch her pretend to drive.

I loved imagining her free

living how she wanted.

I still wouldn't give her my keys.

she would turn my car into a casket.

It makes me remember

when that little girls mother asked me to drive

My words spun portcullises

prison bars forged in anxiety

scaffolding out of latex secrets

Glued with siren smiles, pacifier kisses

denying cigarette smoke on her breath

fueling infernos in my head.

when my uncle handed me his keys without hesitation.

my religion was insulted by his tough skin.

I felt his simple kindness 

like a splash of holy water. 

saw in me, the devil 

caging a woman like property

holding her hostage 

out of fear.

And yes 

when She could drive she left me

And yes 

when she left me she took her daughter.

every morning 

cereal bowl of pills, I **** myself

keep a poster of my mothers face 

covered in bruises 

behind the tiny orange bottles 

to remind me why I do it.

wake up twice, 

first as Phoenix, dying

second as a watcher, writer and admirer.

callouses are not to protect us from the outside at all.

Callouses harden our bodies into caskets.

Hold in all our dead.

walk away from your computer lay down and make a call

i want you to travel deep into my voice i wont touch you at all

with ya own hand i want you to carress ya face slowly go down to ya breast

rub them squeeze them lick the tip of ya finger and moisten ya ****** yes

glide ya fingers across ya thighs listen to my voice as i take you on this ride

lights off door locked im not in arms reach

but if you close ya eyes my face you will see

i want you in a deep trance

as you explore with your hands

"where i wanna be"

right next to you in the dark, naked between ya sheets

kissing and carressing every inch of your body i want to taste

i go inch by inch i promise to not let a drop go to waste

"wait baby dont let go of the phone"

i know it feels real and right but in reality it is wrong

continue, take that finger you use oh so much and let it play

rub ya **** left to right up and down every which a way

now go inside hit that spot to the left , im ya director baby

switch to the right go deeper in you didnt know ya fingers felt this amazing

you are wet, soaked and yet and still you listen to my voice

begging me to direct you a little bit more

so i explain how my warms lips are ready to explore

my wet tongue adds to the juices you already have flowing

i am eating you slow genuinely feasting on your soup of lust

circular motions on ya **** i know you never felt this and thats y you were about to bust

your fingers have found there way back inside of you for a new journey

now ya body is getting hot, **** *****, amd this nut you want it

chris is going to give it to you

back to being the director i put you in school

my voice guides you to a unforgettable moment

go a lil faster baby on that thing wet ya fingers a lil more

i know you already wet so let ya fingers slide ya ****** to the front door

loose yaself this last time

im ******* ya **** and you are loosing ya mind

ya body gets a chill from ya head to ya toes

you scream chris and i already know

on the phone i read you this *** poetry

now dont instantly stop i say carress it to ease

still i can hear you breathing heavily

you stretch, yawn and say i pushed you to the max

because you never had poetic *******.......

I

My love, this is the bitterest, that thou
Who art all truth and who dost love me now
As thine eyes say, as thy voice breaks to say—
Shouldst love so truly and couldst love me still
A whole long life through, had but love its will,
Would death that leads me from thee brook delay!

II

I have but to be by thee, and thy hand
Would never let mine go, thy heart withstand
The beating of my heart to reach its place.
When should I look for thee and feel thee gone?
When cry for the old comfort and find none?
Never, I know! Thy soul is in thy face.

III

Oh, I should fade—’tis willed so! might I save,
Galdly I would, whatever beauty gave
Joy to thy sense, for that was precious too.
It is not to be granted. But the soul
Whence the love comes, all ravage leaves that whole;
Vainly the flesh fades—soul makes all things new.

IV

And ’twould not be because my eye grew dim
Thou couldst not find the love there, thanks to Him
Who never is dishonoured in the spark
He gave us from his fire of fires, and bade
Remember whence it sprang nor be afraid
While that burns on, though all the rest grow dark.

V

So, how thou wouldst be perfect, white and clean
Outside as inside, soul and soul’s demesne
Alike, this body given to show it by!
Oh, three-parts through the worst of life’s abyss,
What plaudits from the next world after this,
Couldst thou repeat a stroke and gain the sky!

VI

And is it not the bitterer to think
That, disengage our hands and thou wilt sink
Although thy love was love in very deed?
I know that nature! Pass a festive day
Thou dost not throw its relic-flower away
Nor bid its music’s loitering echo speed.

VII

Thou let’st the stranger’s glove lie where it fell;
If old things remain old things all is well,
For thou art grateful as becomes man best:
And hadst thou only heard me play one tune,
Or viewed me from a window, not so soon
With thee would such things fade as with the rest.

VIII

I seem to see! we meet and part: ’tis brief:
The book I opened keeps a folded leaf,
The very chair I sat on, breaks the rank;
That is a portrait of me on the wall—
Three lines, my face comes at so slight a call;
And for all this, one little hour’s to thank.

IX

But now, because the hour through years was fixed,
Because our inmost beings met amd mixed,
Because thou once hast loved me—wilt thou dare
Say to thy soul and Who may list beside,
“Therefore she is immortally my bride,
Chance cannot change that love, nor time impair.

X

“So, what if in the dusk of life that’s left,
I, a tired traveller, of my sun bereft,
Look from my path when, mimicking the same,
The fire-fly glimpses past me, come and gone?
- Where was it till the sunset? where anon
It will be at the sunrise! what’s to blame?”

XI

Is it so helpful to thee? canst thou take
The mimic up, nor, for the true thing’s sake,
Put gently by such efforts at at beam?
Is the remainder of the way so long
Thou need’st the little solace, thou the strong?
Watch out thy watch, let weak ones doze and dream!

XII

“—Ah, but the fresher faces! Is it true,”
Thou’lt ask, “some eyes are beautiful and new?
Some hair,—how can one choose but grasp such wealth?
And if a man would press his lips to lips
Fresh as the wilding hedge-rose-cup there slips
The dew-drop out of, must it be by stealth?

XIII

“It cannot change the love kept still for Her,
Much more than, such a picture to prefer
Passing a day with, to a room’s bare side.
The painted form takes nothing she possessed,
Yet while the Titian’s Venus lies at rest
A man looks. Once more, what is there to chide?”

XIV

So must I see, from where I sit and watch,
My own self sell myself, my hand attach
Its warrant to the very thefts from me—
Thy singleness of soul that made me proud,
Thy purity of heart I loved aloud,
Thy man’s truth I was bold to bid God see!

XV

Love so, then, if thou wilt! Give all thou canst
Away to the new faces—disentranced—
(Say it and think it) obdurate no more,
Re-issue looks and words from the old mint—
Pass them afresh, no matter whose the print
Image and superscription once they bore!

XVI

Re-coin thyself and give it them to spend,—
It all comes to the same thing at the end,
Since mine thou wast, mine art, and mine shalt be,
Faithful or faithless, sealing up the sum
Or lavish of my treasure, thou must come
Back to the heart’s place here I keep for thee!

XVII

Only, why should it be with stain at all?
Why must I, ‘twixt the leaves of coronal,
Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow?
Why need the other women know so much
And talk together, “Such the look and such
The smile he used to love with, then as now!”

XVIII

Might I die last and shew thee! Should I find
Such hardship in the few years left behind,
If free to take and light my lamp, and go
Into thy tomb, and shut the door and sit
Seeing thy face on those four sides of it
The better that they are so blank, I know!

XIX

Why, time was what I wanted, to turn o’er
Within my mind each look, get more and more
By heart each word, too much to learn at first,
And join thee all the fitter for the pause
’Neath the low door-way’s lintel. That were cause
For lingering, though thou called’st, If I durst!

**

And yet thou art the nobler of us two.
What dare I dream of, that thou canst not do,
Outstripping my ten small steps with one stride?
I’ll say then, here’s a trial and a task—
Is it to bear?—if easy, I’ll not ask—
Though love fail, I can trust on in thy pride.

XXI

Pride?—when those eyes forestall the life behind
The death I have to go through!—when I find,
Now that I want thy help most, all of thee!
What did I fear? Thy love shall hold me fast
Until the little minute’s sleep is past
And I wake saved.—And yet, it will not be!

you look so much ******' prettier with that **** in your mouth,
funnier, cuter, smarter while you're chuggin' 'em down,
"flirtatious and irresistible, everyone wants you around",
******' hangover princess, here, we bought you a crown.
lie after lie, truth swirling around in the toilet,
begging for his affection, on your knees and exploited,
stripped of your dignity then try to say you enjoyed it?
that's funny, the **** you talk the next day proves all that's *******.
was nice and respectful, of course you thought that was swell,
loved you for you but you didn't want my help,
tried to do to me what you ******' did to yourself,
i'm over it, we're not friends, *******, go to hell.

I am tired of writing love songs about you

Because they do not work
Because I cannot bring myself to summarise the hurt
When it's greater than just words

I traced your lips with my fingertips
As you held my neck and drowned me

I tried to keep the bubbles in my hands
For the day you'd come drown me again
Funny how a heart so small
Could wreck such treacherous trouble

Will you hold me closer?

When you say 'sing me a song'
And I think it's because you love it

But you were right all along
You were in love with my need
A need for something more than greed
And I could not play along

So the songs sounded the same
Because all we had was a blank page
Blander than a desert tongue
Will you hold me closer?

And still I begged
Because it is all I know to do
I crashed walls through
Just to get to you
A fool a fool a fool
I played for you

I turned tipsy as the world went spinning round and round in psychedelic swabs
Liquor after liquor
Anesthesia
Only brings out pain
I gave in
Because it is all I know to do
In a dark place full of wastrels waiting for love

Will you hold me closer?

I came here
Ready to regret
A little revelry to rock the bland away

Yet how far could I run with your clutches round my neck?

I tore up the pieces of paper
That I wasted all on you
Happier times
Haughtier lies
I tore up all the words I gave to you

No more poetry for the first time your lips touched mine
Or how you playfully pushed me by the seaside
The days before you showed your wicked side

No more circles with endless lines
Here I'm staring at the blank page right before my eyes
Ready to rewrite

What was life like
Before you?

Your eyes meet mine amd smile

One last time
Will you hold me closer?

While in the line of ProBook, designed for business people, there seemed to be the uniqueness H . p . ProBook Four hundred and fifty G2. The girl, like several involving your ex sisters and brothers, is a great doing the job unit and not simply because in this article, together with built in images plus distinct offered. So besides office environment tasks will even enjoy uncomplicated online games. An awesome replacement for catch several wildlife along with one particular rock. I'm wondering what otherwise is able to you should this ProBook 350 G2?

Design and style ( blank ) Hewlett packard ProBook 450 G2
That 16.6-inch device has got dimensions 375x262x23-25 mm, and its particular body is employed matte soft-touch plastic material in addition to lightweight aluminum. Forces and hues the product, although it is kind of typical, or in other words conventional. The lid as well as the bottom on the ProBook 400 G2 black, while the important area ?silver. Alternatives back again of your pc, the idea contains the air vents, compartment, to which includes the ram segments and hard hard drive, and battery power as well as segments to help eject And sealing. As to the design, plus there is very little authentic. Include and also basic aspects slightly rounded physique truly becomes smaller, except that it is actually fuller regarding some mm.

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Present, sound, net camera - Horsepower ProBook 400 G2
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Keyboard set along with Touchpad ( blank ) Hewlett packard ProBook Four hindred and fifty G2
In the key-board, waiting in this laptop computer, there are plenty of benefits. This can be mostly a waterproof surface that won't complete towards interior pieces poured the liquid. It is usually a tropical, full-size, incorporates nampad.

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A touch pad includes a beneficial receptiveness, completed through the help of two-finger scrolling, along with both horizontal and vertical. Moreover, you may move as well as focus, make use of. Manipulator doesn't besknopochny, listed here there's two actual personal computer mouse.

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Efficiency ( blank ) Hp . p . ProBook 400 G2
Brand-new makes 64-bit main system Microsoft windows 7.One. Just in case Hewlett packard ProBook 450 G2 (J4S24EA) covering the low-voltage dual-core Apple company Central i5-4210U , which has a time clock volume of one.7 Ghz as well as a storage cache inside third volume of Several Megabytes. The following chip is made in Haswell 25 nm technological know-how, how many its features consist of service regarding Turbo Raise, which allows to boost the frequency to two.Several Ghz with a one lively nucleus, together with Hyper-Threading, through which the two cores is actually refined approximately three facts water ways in unison. As you can tell, compared to the forerunner Center i5-4200U the following a bit improved time clock pace since the bottom, and something by which the actual brand operates in any style Turbocompresseur. I must say which Center i5-4210U handle business office chores and also media, however if you have to have a stronger notebook, then otherwise you can pick an extensive fixed with primary Central i7.

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Locations as well as Marketing communications * Hp . p . ProBook 400 G2
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Battery power -- Horsepower ProBook 400 G2
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Times are tough for lovers
The road needs travellers but
Is selective on who is allowed to journey on.
I was not chosen.
Stuck but not stagnant
Impatient but waiting because what else can I do?
The world loves you.
I am competing against something that is larger than life.
All I can give is my mouth, my hands, my intellect, my affection amd attention.
Petty compared to the mountains, the oceans, the sirens, the unknown.
Without your energy engaged with my body
The atmosphere tastes bitter.
Light headed all the time because I need your water.
When will you be spit back home?
You're Embraced in the arms of the world
But now am I lonely because
I feel that way when you're holding me.
These times... They are tough for lovers.

I will stand in the shadow of the sun which burns a scar
on the back of people who like
to shift in the shadows of the night
and  blame everybody for giving them a homeland
for their excuses.

I will stand where the teargas
melts my eyes and the batons write their scars
on my coloured skin
because I asked for bread.

I will stand in the light and hum
my soulful music that echoes off
the walls of pop charts and make
everybody dance because they do not
understand my words.

I will stand in the pools of streetlights
and sell my body, my baby, my beauty-
because nobody cared
to ask  me a human question on want.

I will stand before God
and question why he taught me
the language of  worship
amd wisdom to know the difference
between skin and colour  and asking
and read the book he has to offer
that says the truth in so many pages.

I will stand alone.
I will stand alone.

Author Notes
?
© Marshall Gass. All rights reserved.

Im sick
Of hiding behind the fence
Of normality
When you get down to reality
Everyone is either slightly closer
To either
Normality
Or
Insanity
Which are you!?
Go by inspirations?
NO **** THAT! HATE YOUR INSPIRATIONS!!
Impire yourself to become an inspiration
And to make other ******* weaklings
to kiss you *** to try to get tips out of you
Amd when that day comes
You simply give them the same tips i gave you
BREAK RULES
GET MAD
GET INPATIENT
DO STUPID MEANINGLESS ****
AND LEARN RATHER THAN FEEL PITY FOR YOUR SELF
FALL
RECOVER
HEAL
LEARN
AND REPEAT
Until the day youre inspired to inspire
The person you are today will ALWAYS know more therefore be wiser THEREFORE be better and closer to perfection than the person you were yesterday
Show people you can
Show people you would
Amd show people you could
So you say to yourself
I will redeem
Redeem i shall
and redeem YOU WILL!
I promise you my fellow freind
Everyone who stood by your redemption
Will love the new you
And everone who left
Will miss the new you
Do NOT invite them back

F.C

To all the teachers who have let me down, to the teachers who made me feel isolated and alone for all the teachers who made me lose faith in the education system and caused me to believe that my strengths werent nearly as large as my weaknesses, to the teachers who have made me feel like my only purpose for living was to get good grades. I want you to know how you made me feel.
To the health teacher sophomore year who during the ****** education unit ignored my inquiries about safe *** in same *** relationships and then proceeded to tell me that my questions were innapropriate and that i was too young to be asking that, i want you to know that hearing that was a slap in the face to me. Hearing that sent 16 year old me so far back into the closet that i couldnt see any ounce light. I could not see a reason to be hopeful because you deemed my sexuality as wrong and made me feel like i was alone, i want you to know that it took me 2 years after that to understand that my feelings were not something to be ashamed of and it took me a week and google to find the responses to the questions you refused to answer.
To the chemistry teacher who told my counselor that i am a ******* addicted drug user and never even had the nerve to ask me why my hands shake, i want you to know that i have a disorder called essential tremor and my shaking is something that took me years to embrace. I want you to know that your assumptions stole the years of confidence i had built up in the acceptance of my disability and made me feel targeted and insignificant, if only you had simply just asked me then you would have saved me the loss. To the same teacher who made me sit out in the hall for the whole hour long class period because i talked while you were talking, i want you to know how ****** that feels. To any teacher who sends students in the halls, know that there is nothing worse than isolation and that making your students sit out in the hallway wont do anything but make them feel the pangs of loneliness and embarrasment.
To the spanish teacher with the bad temper who always took the time to complain and point out my mistakes, i want you to know that it never helped me learn anything and for someone who preaches tolerance amd respect i think its ironic that you made students feel so bad to the point where theyd leave your class crying. I want you to know that i tried my hardest to get your approval and never got it at all. But even though there have been those who have let me down, there have also been those who have brought me up. There have been those who have pulled me out of the deepest of slumps and showed me how to be brave.
To the math teacher who was more like a mother to me, a really cool one at that, who had awesome taste in music and understood that intelligence is not defined by grades, i want you to know that even though i hated math, walking into your class always made my day a little bit better. I want to thank you for understanding me and teaching me to try even when my attitude was ****. Im lucky to have met you because if i hadnt, i wouldnt have so much motivation.
To the theatre teacher who i met before highschool even started, i want you to know that you are the person who guided me to where i am today. And even when i cant find the words to say how i feel, you always know how to lead me to them. You were like a father to me when my own father was sick and for that i will always be appreciative.
To the theatre teacher who i can say without a doubt saved my life, who brought my out of the darkness and helped me see light, who understood all of the issues going on in my life, i owe my life to you. Meeting you was something that i am forever grateful for. You always know how to make me feel better and less alone and when i feel like im falling down you always help pick me back up. You're the only teacher who can see when im not okay and the only one who i can share with why im feeling that way, you're the only teacher that still manages to inspire me everyday and make me laugh at the same time. Thank you can't even begin to explain how much you have changed my life.
Ive learned that teachers have a bigger impact on kids than we think, they can affect them so much even in even the little things, ive learned that the things that teachers do can either inspire or haunt you for the rest of your life and its important that teachers understand that school is not the only thing in a students life, its important to understand that in just a day a teacher could either save someone or break someone. Empathy is the most important key that a teacher should hold because if you can make someone feel less alone, then youre doing it right.

I love her but she wants to video "him" i dont know what hes told her or what they have done or talked about. im doing everything to get her love and trust back. she says i have the giggest part of her heart but she still talks to him. it hurts me to see her do anything with him. I hurt her and i regret it amd she was going to go suicidle amd i tried to talk to her to get her back to tthe way she was but she pushed me away from it and he "saved her" i tried and she doesnt see it but it runs through my mind that i have tje biggest part of her heart yet she doesnt want me back (not yet anyway) i just hope that shes going to come back to me soon. if not then **** me i cant imagine life without her in it. i just wish she would get some sense and just ditch him for good hes no good for her and we all try to tell her but she doesnt listen. i hope all she wants is to be friends with him and thats it cause if her heart mostly belongs to me he shouldnt even matter that much. so if she doesnt accept my appoligies and doesnt get back with me just end me cause i be in hell and torment till the day i die all alone.

i lke to stand out in crowds
socialize amd meet new ppl
may not be tall but im a big figure
my smile unique eyes have that sparkle
make ppl laugh and smile makes my day
pray to be understood and play music loud
punk my style diy (do it yourself)
my heart beats like a drum solo in metal music
my lyrics deep amd dark my world is dark but full of strength
remember the day i change for the better
being funny usually means my sense of humor is mistake for weakness
one day i plan to be a radio personal
one day publish something that will give new perspective
may not ne the best one but im he right one for the job i see myself doing
coaching was fun but the competitive edge comes out
mma is another favorite sport of mine
the possiblities light my mind up
i call the sport and game how i see it, i found respect what you love
pursue it with all you have to give it will bring the best out of you
if not you can bring the best out in others

never trust a writer
because their words
flung into the air
in a whisper
a scream
or dropped
scrawled
in silence
on the emptiness
of a forgotten stillhouette
has the power
to lead you astray

never trust a writer
because they find beauty
in everything
especially sadness
amd the grey
grey sky
that falls at your feet
along the shadow
of your heart
the one you beg
for them to break
to make you
whole

never trust a writer
because they don't always
trust the words
that tumble from their own
perfect lips
they say them for
their beauty
in the sound
in the silence
they say them
for the way they rhyme
with 'forever'

never trust a writer
because he can capture
your soul
with just a look
holding you
the entire universe
and all eternity

never trust a writer
because they may talk
awake
but they dream with their eyes
open
and closed
simultaneously
and you can never
be sure
which character they have chosen
for you
which character
they have chosen to be
to you

never trust a writer
because their emotions
not always visible
always
consume them
like a strike of lightening
cold
burning
inside

never trust a writer
because they always
know
what you want to hear
and what they really
want to say

never trust a writer
because their knowledge of love
is as infinite
as the emptiness
in the black sky
stars
moments of clarity
that create an atlas
of who
they fall for

never trust a writer
because normal in life
is never normal
in their dreams
and they always
last longer

never trust a writer
because 'I'll love you for now'
sounds better
when they say it
as 'I'll love you
forever'

never trust a writer
because I swear
they do not believe
in the emptiness
of promises
and they will let you
break their souls
just to see
what happens after

its been two long years since you were released
but know in my heart i could never blaime you in the least
we were a tourchured family to never find love
but this is what either dreams or hate can be made of

even when i saw your eyes roll back and the blood on the knife with your marijuana pipe so black from the residue packed
you cut till your arms were just red
then smoked enough to leave a teenage stoner in bed

i dont blaime you for either, you were hurt and you needa cope
but was tradeing the love of your ******* son worth that ****
you were my mother, supposed to hold and love me
but i found myself being yelled at thinking im just unlucky

still i guess i could of looked for love from my father
but he was to busy showing love to his two daughters
i was to dumb, couldnt sing a song, to him i ddnt belong
so you ignored my exsistance for many long years till it braught me to tears

but where are we now after i lived a long 18 years
dad look your oldest daughter left and your youngest you only hear hate underneath the tone of her breath
so i guess im all you have left to bail you out this mess you left

so now to watch over these two as if they were as delicate as children, they have only me to watch over them as my  mom bleeds and my dad cant breath the weight of debt needs to be repaid i dont know what else but you will regret how you treated me when im gone one day

momma maybye i just want you to stop with the drugs

looking everywhere just trying to find a buzz

till you look at your son amd forgot who he was

tired of goin to bed everynight to never sleep

keeping one eye open in case i have to call n emt

nearly watched you die remember that moment and i still ****** cry

so i lay with a knife to my throat livin a lie knowing i jus wanna die

so this is my last birthday song remember when i saw love in your eyes now im jus tryin to get by

I dreamt of a field of flowers
Where white crosses are planted
Families still together
Content with life
Genuine grins covering faces

I dreamt of full bellies
On the dark continent
Soccer ***** rolling between feet
Of children who also dream
Of lives as happy as theirs

I dreamt of fresh air
And clean water and growing forests
The cleanliness of nature unrivaled
As animals mingled around the watering hole
Roaming freely with homes

But I awoke and saw war
Fires melting the lives of millions
Dropping bombshells of grief
Destroying homes from within
And children dead or weeping

I awoke and saw despair
Fat bellied greed hogs
Rollin in muddy money pits
While babies died without food
And an entire land stripped and sold

I awoke amd saw nothing
But smoke stacks emitting poison
And the homes of the forest creatures
Being carried into lumber mills
And brown water filling drinking glasses

Give them your turst untill they
Give you a reason not to..
Then thats great
For you
But my trust and my heart have been
Abused amd mis-used to many times
I have learned to protect myself
I have put up a wall and
And only let people get so close
Then someone like you comes along
Loving,caring and willing to be there
Wanting to be there
And i get scared
I dont know how to let you in
I know its unfair to you
To have to pay for the mistakes of others
To have to deal with the pain they left behind
But im asking you to try
I believe that love is about letting go
Putting all of your trust into that other person
I believe that when you hold back
You miss out on the possibility
Of experencing something great
Maybe im not ready to take that leap
But i am willing to try
Theres so many thoughts,questions and chances
That this could all be fake
Thats what my head tells me
But my heart is telling me that you mean
Every word that you say
And that your worth taking that "chance"
You wanted honesty and thats what you got
So there it is out in the open
Just lingering in the air
Where do we go from here?
Take the next step
Make the next move
Are you willing to wait for me?
I dont want to loose you and
I dont want push you away
So can we both make an effort to try?
For you to have patients with me
And for me to give you that trust you need
We dont have to know everything now
I guess its all up to time
But just remember that i love you
I know that i dont always make things easy
I just need to know that you will be there.

Suicide;
it doesn't stop the pain.
It packs it into a grenade,
amd throws it
to your loved ones.

Panda's are beautiful when they sneeze which goes "squeak", Aloft her days so innocent amd meek.

Panda's are beautiful when they're fierce without end, Finding new pathways making "No Exit" signs bend.

A Panda knows it's beauty by the rush of the leaves and the wind behind it's ear, Even though it's cold at times there's always a Tiger near. But one Tiger watches each year, And sees every tear, Without hesitation he draws near.

And time passes and leaves fall, Seemlessly with no worries at all. And footsteps cross, change, end but retrace to join on adventures again. Oh the meaning of something so small, Night comes and covers them all.

And again the wind blows across her ear,
But this time making her warm, Cause he growls for her and pours his Tigerish words along the wind in hopes that they might reach something dear.

The rustle in the midnight when no wind blows, As silence becomes them something is found. Something small, the Tiger picks up, but bigger than her heart. It's the key that unlocks everything, It was laying on the ground, Nothing is left un opened as the wind through her heart shows.

She loves him and he has always returned it. Though rain may force it's meaning to change, It only defines deeper the warmth of the wind...

Panda's are beautiful when they sing the wrong notes, The right ones, the flat ones or completely different song. They'll reach his heart deeply as they rustle along!

Are you proud of me now? I get only A's and B's, I don't get in trouble, I'm a great kid. But I cry myself to sleep and sometimes wish I weren't alive. But that's okay as long as you're proud. You see my grades and you see my friends but you don't see the mask I wear to please everyone. You give me attitude amd I got that from you so you yell at me a lot, "Oh no don't cry, it's not the end of the world" but it could be the end of mine. Now I don't cry in front of you, I need you to be proud please don't hate me. Are you proud of me now? I look happy so yoh don't worry, I look happy so you're proud. Please don't yell, I'm trying my best please be proud of me. I want to die but I'm still alive. Are you proud of me?

"Come on baby……just half a line."
I was only gonna do it once, only once, only once...and that was the only time. I said that for months, four months that I lied. I tried, I tried....to say no but those eyes, his lips, and his grin, put his pinkie to my nose and I took one deep inhale in. Just like that, 21 hooked on the new black, by my lover then ****…had me in the clubs and 3 weekdays on the track. Young *** in love, and who else had my back. Dead fam and no friends, so it was...just that. He tried to work me in a ******* when I spat in his face  amd that was the first time I told him no, and the last time I seen him, he broke my nose and I walked to the E.R still filled with his *****. I couldn't use for weeks, it took a month of working nights and sleeping in shelters to get on my feet. And I'm still in love with Snow White, I'll quit one day, I'm sure I'll be alright.

But For Now:
My name is Amiya,
Stage name Jazlaine,
Your husband's favorite stripper,
And I'm addicted to *******.

They Say the Grim Reaper collects death, but he harvests the soul to a better place, if theres anything left to save and harvest...
The body will carry on, but that motivation, the man behind the machine can die long before the body does.

I am whats considered a black Dracula, a man with out a purpose to **** the dark lifeless soul out of a body, the part thats left before I drain all hope for a future.

My job is to make the people around me, friends, family, associates alike happy and comfortable in the way life is, while slowly putting down there hopes and dreams.

The sun is not my enemy, nor a wooden spike, but a hard life lesson on pain amd broken heart.  Im not pale to the sunlight, I blend right in, I walk among you, showing you everything is beautiful in this world, so a hope of an afterlife, paradise of the heavens, is lost to the cavities of your mind.

My broken heart drives me to this madness, numb is my body, but fresh and limber is the pain of a broken heart that still lingers.

My monster inside has consumed me, but I write this as a warning for all to read, to save yourself one last chance at happiness.
  
Love her unconditionally.
        
Respect her for every little strain of         her life she can produce.
            
Her beauty only matters on the inside for it is ageless.

Cheating on the one you love never goes away with time.

Her eyes will haunt your dreams, your memories, and your life, till the black Dracula consumes you too.

Be good to her always, fights, loss, and loving moment's, she is yours to take care of forever.

Lastly.. You only get on life to live with a great loving woman, dont spoil or settle for less because you cant handle her beautiful flaws that set her apart from everyone else.

what you choose to think and believe influences how you view the world amd how your reality is shaped.
you are, and everything els is, exactly what you make it to be.
if you believe the earth to be a beautiful place filled with love and opportunity, that that is how it shall be.
if you believe you are divine & strong, then that you will be, and vise versa.
we choose the path that our souls take .
if you believe in nothing, then nothing will happen.
if you believe in reincarnation, then that is what will happen to you.
if you believe in the stars, then you will go there.
it's all up to you my beautiful co-creators!
where you go, how you feel, how you precieve things, & how things effect you.
you choose, and you create it all.
and if you truly believe in something, you will manifest it into truth, and into reality.
hold no doubts about yourself, about your potential, and your powers.
fill your heart and mind, with love and dream BIG.

DREAM IS DESTINY

"Come on baby……just half a line."
I was only gonna do it once, only once, only once...and that was the only time. I said that for months, four months that I lied. I tried, I tried....to say no but those eyes, his lips, and his grin, put his pinkie to my nose and I took one deep inhale in. Just like that, 21 hooked on the new black, by my lover then ****…had me in the clubs and 3 weekdays on the track. Young *** in love, and who else had my back. Dead fam and no friends, so it was...just that. He tried to work me in a ******* when I spat in his face  amd that was the first time I told him no, and the last time I seen him, he broke my nose and I walked to the E.R still filled with his *****. I couldn't use for weeks, it took a month of working nights and sleeping in shelters to get on my feet. And I'm still in love with Snow White, I'll quit one day, I'm sure I'll be alright.

But For Now:
My name is Amiya,
Stage name Jazlaine,
Your husband's favorite stripper,
And I'm addicted to *******.

My soul is broken.
Yet, I remember when I was bubbly amd outspoken.
The innocence of life once filled my heart,
yet the sickness of life's tragedies tore me apart.
The light that once radiated inside of me,
was battered and bruised despite every plea.
The outside pandemonium filled my ears til they bled & went numb.
All I heard from then on was a painful cacophony of cognitive dissonance in the form of an eery hum.
The only life left is inside of my vein,
as this bout of depression drives me insane.
But once I leave this earth my body will be a token -
until then my soul is broken.

I wish my name was Ryan or chase and I had no hobbies or interests outside of smashing hoes and the gym.
I wish I could just eat Panera everyday and drink with my bros and go to Peru with my daddy's money. I wish I had all the connections and sure-set entrance into the firm
I wish I could meet some newage ***** named McKayla with a flower sleeve who listens to imagine dragons and Bobby eilish and have some kids. I wish she'd cheat on me with Kevin and take all my money and then divorce me and accuse me of **** and send me to prison where I get ***** too. I wish my sons grew up to be junkies and overdosed on fentanyl. I wish my country became some culturless ******* devoid of value and meaning and was a consumerist nightmare and I worked like a peon for a bleak future. I wish I knew how to make spaghetti. I'm a ******. I wish I was gay amd cared about Taylor swift or popular media. I wish I had a loaded gun so I could go to the gun range like a normal sane practioner of the second amendment. I wish I could be god and make rainbows. I will stop now. It's so boring
Lol lol lol lol lol

Don't be fooled by the place it is sent to be
This is no poem no somg nothing to dance to
This is a hope that someone may read and reply
Their thoughts on this thought of mine

Perhaps I should tell a story through sonnet
Of a man of youth battling love and lust
Of sorrow and joy
A man who is flippant, almost overly so
But is serious about matters of the heart
A journey nonetheless
Where he travels many worlds yet goes nowhere
A story of me and how my life has been
With a touch of hyperbolic flamboyance
Would you sit down and read and maybe enjoy
Said work assuming it has been well developed
Amd lacks the typos this probably has?

helo todauj we bee doong sumegdercizxe
ferzt we doo linges den wee doo skwots

dat *** a good werkowt waddunt it
pleez lik amd srbscibe amd fooloow
id meends aloot tome

fnakoo im hrappy mow

My mother-in-law is a zombie
I'm sure that woman is dead
I tried to drive a stake thru her heart
And even cut off her head

But she's just way to sneaky
She always knows I'm around
Cause everytime I try to **** it
She says, "Can I get you to drive me to town?"

And let me tell you about the odor
It can make a grown man cry
Her perfume is, "ode de la zombie"
You know, embalming fluid, after you die

She walks around, in the middle of the night
Trying, to make me her slave
"Will you get me this, will you get me that"
I even dug that woman a grave

Zombies also have real bad breath
It smells like ***** socks
And they don't have a tooth in their head
You'd think they been chewing rocks

Now, not all mother-in-laws are zombies
I think it's probably just mine
And I don't think they ever die
Cause mine's been around a long time

Sometimes she just sits amd stares at me
I mean, can you imagine anything worse?
Then she mumbles some kinda mumbo jumbo
Like some kind of voodoo curse

I've been feeling kinda strange of late
Sometimes, it's hard to think
She probably cast some kinda spell on me
That's causing my head to shrink

Well, that's all I can tell you for now
I've got another grave to dig
I gotta hurry before my head keeps shrinkin'
Cause my hat's already too big

I try. You try.
We all take a chance.
He got a girl, and she is going to the dance.
I tried, You tried.
To get an advance.
She got the job, and He got the chance.
I will try. She tried. He tries. You try.
She got a job. He got the girl. You get the chance.
I failed.
But I fell forward, I stood up.
You ran down, and couldn't stand.
Do you understand? It's as much as a will, and more than a way,
I will live ALL and EVERY day.
I fell forward, amd I ran down, But I learned that together,
I kept my feet on the ground.