Why is it
That whenever he says, "I love you."
It sounds like, "I own you."

Forgo Summer to Die in the Winter


its quite alright that your a *****.
you should have never showed up last night
i thought I told you the score
repeat, repeat, repeat
a time or two before
dance this silly dance we do
back and forth
score for love, a score for secrecy  
we should have never held one another that close
electric and morose  
it's over and it can't be fixed
there is no coming back from abysm
instead I seek an important peace, within me,
and for us, for us
do you remember the us?  
wait, i heard you
no longer an us
we are nothing
as you say, as you say, as you say
but I held out for respect of a friend
none to be had
you show me how that can be done,
more lethal than a loaded gun  
sad me walks and walks alone, alone, alone again
you leave in silent steps
quiet tongue
as always
as always
no change
you say I confuse your truth for mean
you confuse my communication for gibberish
your ears go numb
you forget...
me
you act as if you don't know what to say...
to me
so much time to know me yet you remain amaurotic
you curtail and introvert  
deaf ears, hardened heart
questioning the tears
telling me to not roll them out
you wouldn't, why would I?
berating, blind, black-hearted
forgiveness is but a lark
It was important
I tried to tell you
I am sorry you chose to miss it
this is going to hurt...
it’s yours

.
Even after visits to apartments in self-named cities to see soccer stars swathed in orange tuxes,
Swerving off country roads in berating fits of tenderness,
Sputtering 'i love yous' in ditches and river canals;
Even after chais with Ye Ye Elders,
Messenger powwows with ancestors, and
holding the hands of comforting Harmonies, I

Never got it right.
.
It was a pathetic attempt to join a traveling circus; a passive means for an escape. Who were the Elephant Man, the sword swallower, or the contorting twins?
****** if I know.
Buddy had his hands wrapped around my neck in a nihilist noose so tight that it bubbled up amaurotic visions within my retina.
I couldn't see or feel a ******* thing.
Lost consciousness on his cold bathroom tiles, sprinkled with ***** confetti, **** all up on my cheek.idonthavetimeforthis!sleeponthecouch!
Watching 'Teach Yourself Circus!' videos at circus camp, I learned to juggle,
albeit groggy and disoriented. Only brightly coloured ***** at this point but I was up to seven tosses! While the freaks and geeks headed to carousels in the big top tent, I headed back to my dilapidated den leased on a broken Concord.
getoutbitchgetoutbitch
Back at camp ( hazy lazy crazy ) rivets affixed so I could only stare forward at the wall.
An e.ch-o-y sound in my
left  ear
voice reverberating down thru
t
h
e

w
e
l
l  
past
   t
   h
   e

   b  u  c
   k  e  t

I turned my head,
slo-mo tracers flashed in warp speed,
glacial stares softened into slushy moss.
A buttery soft cashmere reply,
                                      i'm sorry? what did you say?
                                                           ­  you seem nice...
.
Infrastructure collapsed.
    ****
Gone.
Crumbled in a heap of rubble.
Impaled by rebar and rebar erections.
Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab.
Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab.
in a black plastic sack
And....then....
Who's to say about the linear sequence of events, anyway?
.

Joy, shifts through my fingers, displaying true diapason
To all earth bound quality, I find truth in thw whispering wind,
Singing all true paroxysm of chaos into one binding solidarity.
For why I have benn this far? Faught this hard, Unmoved, swayed
By the pestamistic animals rotting away in this system of survival
Farther than the eye can see we run in hope of flourishing past our own beliefs.
A piviotal concept it is,  runing for deeper understanding and merriment
when the amaurotic people choose to not see it was in your hands the whole time.

I once told you I loved you,
On a celebratory night,
Under an ambience beauty,
Of an alluring sunset flaming orange,

That embraced your face before,
I had a chance to caress your face,
Convoluted in an expressing evening,
As obscurity covered our embraces,

In the explosion of the night,
Our love was more seductive,
As it whisked within our souls,,
As our amaurotic lips caressed,

As we drowned in a sea of love,
When the sun had gone we filled,
The empty night overlaying the,
Earth with the color of our
STUNNING LOVE”

Amaurotic to the hint of our
                        inclinations
or the gestation of deeper
                        stirrings
Anomalous deviancies quintessential of such dimly solaced hearts
                        took over
and we were once more
                        human.

My stomach is tingling,
Appetite or illness?

Telepathic touch
It surfaces, before I notice myself asking.
In form and instinct he knows me,
But in origin, our intuition’s slacked.
I haven’t exposed my truths,
What I might’ve thrown out, could’ve  mislead.

Agony nudges gently;
You aren’t worthy of love she says
You’re repulsive.
You’re sinful.
You’re ***** and inedible
People try to help you but you don’t want to be helped.
Her tone is generous, attentive, loyal.

With these words I perish;
“Stop you’re melting me, aw God”
He kisses me and swoons onto my chest, smearing my body on the sheets.
The juncture of my withdrawal alights.

My blinkered eyes trudge the familiar trail, but then fixate,
-a penetrable route disguised.
take the tired track or trod the untrodden?
Perplexed in ponder I whisper in trance
Quiescent terrain ...quiescent terrain?

He’s snores as I lift my head from his belly
"...an amaurotic trial".
Squeeze. The soiled sack flattens against the lip of his favourite mug,
Adorned; those pungent, final drops.

The frisk evening air lifts my limbs and I wave as I always do.
Thanks for everything, as he always does,
Get home safe, as I always do.

Lingering or loitering,
I brace for his lips to flourish as his leg hooks the infamous green frame.
"I’ve been admiring your bike, I keep seeing it around"
Such sweet beginnings,
Such oblivion to an end.

He nods.
Farewell, and may we meet again in happier times?
Perhaps.

I step inside,
Retreating to what is known;
a path that has been walked before.

Here I Am
A Psychosis Siren
Your Phantom Refuses To Leave
Disorder In My Head
A Corrupted Stale Heart
These Amaurotic Eyes
This Animosity Of Obsession
Distorting Every Recollection
This Cluster **** Of Emotion
How Did It Come To This?