Chapter 9

“Startled, I pulled away from the man’s grasp and looked at his face. Although he wore a tag that read “Hotel Security” I sensed that there was much more to him than that.
“What’s this about?” I asked sharply, noticing that he was avoiding eye contact.
Clenching his jaw, the man grabbed my arm again, this time more firmly. “Don’t worry, Red, you’ll find out soon enough.”
I hated it when guys called me Red. It was always in a smug way. “Hey, let me go!” I demanded, trying to get away from the *******. But he was strong. Immortally strong.
He ****** me against him and whispered, “Calm the hell down and you won’t get hurt.”
“Are you one of Vlad’s men?”
“You’ll have your questions answered in a few minutes. Just chill out, will you?”
“Not really having any other choice, I allowed the man to usher me away from the restaurant, toward the back of The Veil. Hotel guests watched us curiously.
“Are you okay, dear?” asked an older woman in her seventies. She had a cane and looked about ready to hit my captor with it.
“She’s fine. We don’t allow prostitutes in the hotel,” he said loudly.
Normally I wouldn’t care, but my cheeks burned with shame as the old woman stared at me with disgust.
“Harlot,” she said, glaring at me.
“I’m not a *******,” I said, gritting my teeth. Furious at the way I was being treated, I tried pulling away from him again, but he only dug his fingers into my skin deeper.
“Would you just relax?” he said, as we turned down another hallway. “I’m doing this for your own good.”
“Doesn’t feel that way on my end,” I replied angrily.
“If you’d stop fighting me, I wouldn’t have to resort to this.”
“Then tell me what the hell this is about!”
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
I sighed loudly.
We stopped at a door that was marked ‘Security’ and he led me inside. To my surprise, there was a long conference desk with two men sitting next to it.
“Is this her, Nate?” asked one of them, a blonde Nordic-looking guy in an expensive suit.
“She’s just as he described. Plus, she has the mark,” said the guy, releasing my arm.
I rubbed the skin where his fingers had pressed cruelly. “You mean the mark on my wrist from your fingers, *******?”
“Sorry,” said Nate, addressing the two men at the table more than me. “She kept trying to get away.”
“Leave us,” ordered the blonde, frowning at Nate.
“Yes, sir.” Nate turned and walked out the door.
I sighed wearily, wishing I would have never gotten out of bed. “So, who in the hell are you people?”
“I’m sorry, lass. My name is Aiden Rylan and this is Maximus Johnson,” said the blonde, his Irish accent noticeable now.
I folded my arms under my chest, studying both men. Both of them were undeniably rugged, handsome, and obvious big-shots. “And why should that matter to me?”
Aiden’s lip[…]”
“Natel’s part in it. The ******* had made me look like a cheap *****. “Who is this mutual acquaintance?”
“Doris Hart,” said Maximus.
Another surprise. “Really? And how do you know Dorian?” I asked, now sitting down.
“The three of us are long-time friends,” said Aiden.
“But you’re lycan,” I replied. From what I’d gathered over the years, most weren’t too chummy with vampires.
“Yes. We’ve learned to push our differences aside,” said Andrew, his eyes twinkling.
“The truth is that we don’t judge anyone unless they pose a threat,” said Maximus. “And we’ve known Doris Hart for several years. He’s done us favors and now we’re returning one for him.”
“And that is to protect me?” I said, flattered that Doris was still worried about me. He must have really loved my mother.
“Yes. He was very adamant on that. Sorry for your loss, by the way,” said Andrew, his face turning somber.
At the mention of my mother’s death, I looked down at my nails, trying not to tear up. “Thanks.”
“I never met Lilith, but Andrew knew her,” said Maximus, his voice kind.
Surprised, I looked at Andrew. “You did? Really?”
“Actually, I only met[…]”
“He leaned back in his chair, a faraway look now in his eyes. “I guess it was mostly about Vlad and her dealings with him.”
“Why would she confide in you about him?” I asked angrily. The fact that she’d spoken openly about Vlad with him, a stranger, and not me, hurt.
“Because she knew that we were enemies,” said Aiden. “I had no idea that you were his daughter, however. Not until Doris mentioned it on the phone. Your mother obviously didn’t trust anyone with that information”
I relaxed. “What else did Doris tell you?”
“He’s worried about you,” said Andrew . “He says that your life is in danger and you’re not taking it seriously.”
“Believe me, I’m taking it seriously,” I said, smiling grimly.
“Do you know exactly what you’re up against?” asked Maximus.
“I know that Vlad wants me dead.”
“You should also know that he usually gets what he wants,” said Aiden, frowning.
“And that’s why Doris asked if we’d offer you protection,” added Maximus. “You need our help.”
“Thanks for the offer but I don’t need protection from you or Doris ,” I said, running a hand through my hair. “I can take care of myself[…]”
“and is bent on capturing you. Believe me, he has the money and the resources to do just that.”
“Don’t be fooled by my appearance. I might look easy on so many levels, especially in this outfit,” I mused, “but I’m not. If I don’t want to be caught, I won’t.”
“Your confidence is commendable, but it’s going to get you killed,” warned Maximus. “Believe me, I know. I’ve caught many criminals with that same attitude. They get too cocky for their own good and make mistakes.”
So he was a cop. “I’m not being cocky.” I stood up. “I’m just saying that this is my problem and I’ll handle it on my own.”
“Even if you don’t have to?” asked Maximus, as I walked toward the door.
Sighing, I turned around. “Look, I certainly appreciate the offer, I really do. But, I’ll be fine.”
“At least do us a favor and disappear,” said Aiden. “Get out of town before they find you.”
“I’m planning on it,” I admitted. “By the way, how did you two know where to find me?”
“Your partner, Alex Shafer,” said Maximus. “I take it he didn’t call you to tell you we’d be[…]”
“started on stock options. Please.”
Aiden chuckled. “I’ve helped you, haven’t I?”
“Yes, and for that I’m very grateful,” replied Maximus.
“So, when did you talk to Alex?” I asked, changing the subject. I had no interest in talking about stocks, bonds, or anything financial.
“About thirty minutes ago. He said you’d be doing a job here,” replied Maximus.
I dialed Alex’s number, but he didn’t answer. Sighing, I sent him a text, telling him to call me. Then I slipped my phone back into my purse. “Well, I wish I could say it was a pleasure meeting the both you. I’m sure under different circumstances,” I smiled wickedly, “the pleasure would have be all mine.”
Andrew ‘s eyes roved over my body and he grinned. “Oh, lass, I doubt that. I’m pretty sure that the pleasure would have been mutual.”
Laughing, Maximus stood up and held out his card. “In all seriousness, please give me a call if you need help.”
I took it. “Thank you. Detective Maximus Johnson, huh?”
“Call me Max.”
“Okay, Max. Thanks again.” My cell phone began to vibrate. I pulled it back out of my purse and noticed that Alex had sent me a[…]”











Chapter 9

“Startled, I pulled away from the man’s grasp and looked at his face. Although he wore a tag that read “Hotel Security” I sensed that there was much more to him than that.
“What’s this about?” I asked sharply, noticing that he was avoiding eye contact.
Clenching his jaw, the man grabbed my arm again, this time more firmly. “Don’t worry, Red, you’ll find out soon enough.”
I hated it when guys called me Red. It was always in a smug way. “Hey, let me go!” I demanded, trying to get away from the *******. But he was strong. Immortally strong.
He ****** me against him and whispered, “Calm the hell down and you won’t get hurt.”
“Are you one of Vlad’s men?”
“You’ll have your questions answered in a few minutes. Just chill out, will you?”
“Not really having any other choice, I allowed the man to usher me away from the restaurant, toward the back of The Veil. Hotel guests watched us curiously.
“Are you okay, dear?” asked an older woman in her seventies. She had a cane and looked about ready to hit my captor with it.
“She’s fine. We don’t allow prostitutes in the hotel,” he said loudly.
Normally I wouldn’t care, but my cheeks burned with shame as the old woman stared at me with disgust.
“Harlot,” she said, glaring at me.
“I’m not a *******,” I said, gritting my teeth. Furious at the way I was being treated, I tried pulling away from him again, but he only dug his fingers into my skin deeper.
“Would you just relax?” he said, as we turned down another hallway. “I’m doing this for your own good.”
“Doesn’t feel that way on my end,” I replied angrily.
“If you’d stop fighting me, I wouldn’t have to resort to this.”
“Then tell me what the hell this is about!”
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
I sighed loudly.
We stopped at a door that was marked ‘Security’ and he led me inside. To my surprise, there was a long conference desk with two men sitting next to it.
“Is this her, Nate?” asked one of them, a blonde Nordic-looking guy in an expensive suit.
“She’s just as he described. Plus, she has the mark,” said the guy, releasing my arm.
I rubbed the skin where his fingers had pressed cruelly. “You mean the mark on my wrist from your fingers, *******?”
“Sorry,” said Nate, addressing the two men at the table more than me. “She kept trying to get away.”
“Leave us,” ordered the blonde, frowning at Nate.
“Yes, sir.” Nate turned and walked out the door.
I sighed wearily, wishing I would have never gotten out of bed. “So, who in the hell are you people?”
“I’m sorry, lass. My name is Aiden Rylan and this is Maximus Johnson,” said the blonde, his Irish accent noticeable now.
I folded my arms under my chest, studying both men. Both of them were undeniably rugged, handsome, and obvious big-shots. “And why should that matter to me?”
Aiden’s lip[…]”
“Natel’s part in it. The ******* had made me look like a cheap *****. “Who is this mutual acquaintance?”
“Doris Hart,” said Maximus.
Another surprise. “Really? And how do you know Dorian?” I asked, now sitting down.
“The three of us are long-time friends,” said Aiden.
“But you’re lycan,” I replied. From what I’d gathered over the years, most weren’t too chummy with vampires.
“Yes. We’ve learned to push our differences aside,” said Andrew, his eyes twinkling.
“The truth is that we don’t judge anyone unless they pose a threat,” said Maximus. “And we’ve known Doris Hart for several years. He’s done us favors and now we’re returning one for him.”
“And that is to protect me?” I said, flattered that Doris was still worried about me. He must have really loved my mother.
“Yes. He was very adamant on that. Sorry for your loss, by the way,” said Andrew, his face turning somber.
At the mention of my mother’s death, I looked down at my nails, trying not to tear up. “Thanks.”
“I never met Lilith, but Andrew knew her,” said Maximus, his voice kind.
Surprised, I looked at Andrew. “You did? Really?”
“Actually, I only met[…]”
“He leaned back in his chair, a faraway look now in his eyes. “I guess it was mostly about Vlad and her dealings with him.”
“Why would she confide in you about him?” I asked angrily. The fact that she’d spoken openly about Vlad with him, a stranger, and not me, hurt.
“Because she knew that we were enemies,” said Aiden. “I had no idea that you were his daughter, however. Not until Doris mentioned it on the phone. Your mother obviously didn’t trust anyone with that information”
I relaxed. “What else did Doris tell you?”
“He’s worried about you,” said Andrew . “He says that your life is in danger and you’re not taking it seriously.”
“Believe me, I’m taking it seriously,” I said, smiling grimly.
“Do you know exactly what you’re up against?” asked Maximus.
“I know that Vlad wants me dead.”
“You should also know that he usually gets what he wants,” said Aiden, frowning.
“And that’s why Doris asked if we’d offer you protection,” added Maximus. “You need our help.”
“Thanks for the offer but I don’t need protection from you or Doris ,” I said, running a hand through my hair. “I can take care of myself[…]”
“and is bent on capturing you. Believe me, he has the money and the resources to do just that.”
“Don’t be fooled by my appearance. I might look easy on so many levels, especially in this outfit,” I mused, “but I’m not. If I don’t want to be caught, I won’t.”
“Your confidence is commendable, but it’s going to get you killed,” warned Maximus. “Believe me, I know. I’ve caught many criminals with that same attitude. They get too cocky for their own good and make mistakes.”
So he was a cop. “I’m not being cocky.” I stood up. “I’m just saying that this is my problem and I’ll handle it on my own.”
“Even if you don’t have to?” asked Maximus, as I walked toward the door.
Sighing, I turned around. “Look, I certainly appreciate the offer, I really do. But, I’ll be fine.”
“At least do us a favor and disappear,” said Aiden. “Get out of town before they find you.”
“I’m planning on it,” I admitted. “By the way, how did you two know where to find me?”
“Your partner, Alex Shafer,” said Maximus. “I take it he didn’t call you to tell you we’d be[…]”
“started on stock options. Please.”
Aiden chuckled. “I’ve helped you, haven’t I?”
“Yes, and for that I’m very grateful,” replied Maximus.
“So, when did you talk to Alex?” I asked, changing the subject. I had no interest in talking about stocks, bonds, or anything financial.
“About thirty minutes ago. He said you’d be doing a job here,” replied Maximus.
I dialed Alex’s number, but he didn’t answer. Sighing, I sent him a text, telling him to call me. Then I slipped my phone back into my purse. “Well, I wish I could say it was a pleasure meeting the both you. I’m sure under different circumstances,” I smiled wickedly, “the pleasure would have be all mine.”
Andrew ‘s eyes roved over my body and he grinned. “Oh, lass, I doubt that. I’m pretty sure that the pleasure would have been mutual.”
Laughing, Maximus stood up and held out his card. “In all seriousness, please give me a call if you need help.”
I took it. “Thank you. Detective Maximus Johnson, huh?”
“Call me Max.”
“Okay, Max. Thanks again.” My cell phone began to vibrate. I pulled it back out of my purse and noticed that Alex had sent me a[…]”























Sent from my iPhone

Listen to me Aiden, and listen to me well
Don't say goodbye, 'cause you love her like hell
You know that she's everything to you,
So listen to me; here is what you do,
Find her and tell her how perfect she is
tell her quickly, before she is his.
You need her, you love, you really do
Why would you let anything stop you?
She is your light, your life, your love
Swear to me Aiden, upon god above
You won't give up on her, won't say goodbye
At least not until you give this a try
She is your everything, she's perfect to you
and tell her you still love her, 'cause I know you do.

My veins pulse,
with every breathing stride.
As we collide,
Sword to sword.

Midstream you pivot,
Slashing towards my skin.
I flourish.
Blocking the ****.

You try with every effort,
You learned from your father well.
The lord of fire,
Shalt not let you fail.

Windmilling,
You fall to the ground.
Hiding your eyes in that black hair.
You never hide them well.

I kneel down,
Tilting your chin up for you to see.
A smile on my face.
The smile of a proud mother.

"Aiden,
You have done well my son..
Now teach the other five.
And you have won."

I wait alone
wrapped in paper
shivering amidst cold
the door pressed hard
against my chest

this time a year ago
I met a similar fate
the verdict returned
       cancer
a word my mind
has deconstructed
reconstructed
discarded
as my past

tears erupt behind
my eyes
how can I afford
to fight again
at what cost
and during
a pandemic

the door **** twists
as she emerges
eyes averted
my throat scored
in pain
"It's benign,
come back
6 months from now"

unable to move
I peer through haze
minutes tease silence
then with
trembling fingers
I dial his number
Aiden answers
    "Mom, you okay?"
nodding tearfully
with newfound certainty
I finally whisper, "Yes!"

Bricks are red,
Some Nerf darts are blue.
All I wanted to say is:
Bro, you ****.

i don't think i'll ever forget you
you'll move on, and i'll be stuck
i'm not bitter,
i just remembered
how much you made me feel

Chapter 10

“I started to panic. “Do you think they’re setting a trap?”
“It would make sense,” said Max. “Drawing you to a place you’d feel comfortable…”
My cell began to ring and I sighed in relief when I saw that it was Alex. Obviously, we were jumping to conclusions. “Thank God. It’s him.” I answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi,” said Alex. “Sorry I missed the last call. I was in the other room, pouring myself a ****** Rickie.”
I smirked. Rickie was one of Alex’s blood donors. He paid him very well for it, too. “No problem. So, what’s going on? The other clients have really canceled?”
“No, I canceled. It’s too dangerous to be out, trolling for unfaithful husbands. Not with that monster looking for you. Why didn’t you tell me about Victor Montour, Racheal ?”
I rubbed my forehead. How much did Alex know? “I didn’t want to worry you.”
“You’re the one who needs to be worried. From what I hear, that man is hell-bent on locating you, and it’s not for any family reunion.”
“So, you know that he’s my father?”
“I do now. Jesus, I thought my family was dysfunctional.”
I noticed that Andrew and[…]”
“I know, right? She’s a nervous wreck right now. Anyway, it took me a while to calm her down and when I did, I realized that Max probably had you in his custody by then.”
“Yeah.”
“How did that go?”
“What do you think it went? I made a scene.”
He chuckled. “I wish I would have been there. Did you **** the life-force out of anyone?”
“No, but I should have. I was treated like a *******. It wasn’t pretty.”
He clucked his tongue. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you.”
“Yes. You should have.”
“So, you’re going to let them protect you, right?”
“I don’t need it.”
“Jez…”
“I’ll be fine.”
Alex groaned. “I told them you’d refuse.”
“You know me well,” I said, smiling. “Anyway, back to Mrs. Strom, her husband is having dinner with another woman as we speak. I can at least finish that job.”
“Don’t worry about that right now, JD. Just get your *** back to the office so we can talk more about this.”
“What about your ‘date’?”
“Peter already left.”
“You blew him off?” I asked, surprised.
“Something like that,” he replied, a smile in his voice. “But, don’t[…]”
“No problem. Would you like an escort?” asked Aiden. “We can find one for you.”
I fluttered my eyelashes. “What about you?”
His eyes widened and he smiled. “Well –”
“That wouldn’t be a good idea,” interrupted Maximus. “We need to keep a low profile. Especially you, Aiden.”
He was about to protest, when I held up my hand. “Honestly, I was just kidding anyway. Like I told you before, I’m fine on my own. I appreciate the offer, though.”
Aiden stood up and pulled out his wallet. “Please take my business card, too.” He took one out and handed it to me. “If you find yourself in a situation… and can’t reach Max, don’t hesitate to call me.”
“Okay,” I said, my opinion of lycan changing by the second. While I didn’t know much about them, I knew they weren’t always interested in helping others outside of their… breed. Of course, from the way that Aiden was looking at me, he was probably interested in escorting me to the safety of my bedroom. “I’ll remember that.”
Grinning, his eyes swept over my little outfit again. “And I will definitely remember you.”
I shoved his business card into my purse[…]

i sit here all alone in my zone
and i wonder about the unknown

no one is here for they come and they go
when someone will stay i shall never know

i think about what matters and what i truly love the most
so to my Aiden i shall make a toast:

i toast for all the happiness that life may bestow and destroy
and i toast for my cautiousness because life is not a toy

i toast for the memories that everyone might share
and i toast for my friends and family who really do care

i toast that the good are rewarded and the bad pay the price
and i toast that i live long and right, living in my paradise

I keep seeing hints of you
  In forced synchronicity
   Where everything adds up to 5
    Maybe it's a sign
     Or I'm losing my ******* mind again

     Did you catch the hint?
    Is the madman manifesting?
   Impulsive manic mood swings to paper
  Filling out with the Full Moon
As the Maiden waxes away

I'm watching
  Light up my sacral bond
   Lightning strikes
    like shotgun blows to the sky
     A peephole into Heaven's locker room

     Blame it on the the rain
    You caught me off guard
   Out of sync
  Girl you know it's true
That we're stranger than fiction

My siren in the satire
  Muse in the mayhem of my mind
   I could be your Vonnegut
    As I'm Freudian slipping
     On my spilled guts in the 5th slaughterhouse

one day everything falls apart. your hands and her promises and you heart. loving her turns into not sleeping. ever. that one day six months later when you finally saw her again and choking on not saying I love you before she left because you can't stand the thought of her not saying it back. the possibility. this ache. someone asks you what happened between the two of you and you say that even the continents came apart. they don't get it. you don't either. something breaks inside of you every time the wind blows and you smell her perfume. something harder than glass. they call this something hope. she knows where you live and she knows you never leave but she isn't coming back. make no mistake. there will be no surprise visits. no knock on your door at five a.m, no tear streaked hello's and no heartfelt I missed you's. no happy ending. no ending at all. just a belly full of whiskey and the last time she told you she loved you. her words feel like plagiarism in your ear. you wonder how her mother would feel about this. you wonder if her mother saw this coming a mile away. you wonder if her mother will always be right. you take another drink and wonder how this glass would sound as it breaks against your wall. the moment it leaves your hand you regret it. what a mess. all liquor and love sick and four a.m. the rorschach stains on this carpet from back when you were practicing for ava or evelyn or aiden. she picked the names. all the carpet cleaner in the world won't erase the memory. you wouldn't try even if it would. the empty chair theory doesn't soothe this broken heart of yours. nothing does. you pull another glass from the cupboard and see her lipstick stain on the edge. you imagine being small enough to jump from the top and landing hard enough to **** yourself but softly enough to not leave a stain. they would look at you and say, "I think this one was an accident." and they are wrong.

is this a crazy coincidence?
     he smiled and strangely said

or do you perhaps know Todd
     to Aiden's pizza lately led

no, I do not know him
     the tattooed Meghan soon furtively fled

but first she mentioned Stranger Things
    Quinlin, kindness, cred

i hated you and i loved you
you were effortlessly beautiful
you stole my breath away
but you weren't meant for me

Everyday I see, A
Maiden filled with life.
Everyday I feel being
Loved.
Inside this maiden,
Tapped! My mother
A**lways I will love.

you were stupid, stupid, stupid but
i loved you the same
dumb elementary, middle school love
why did you infect me so?
i hate you but i hold on
because i never want to forget

I'm Dedicated
The Definition of Dedication
Wrote this whole page while I was levitating
Sit in my room with the pen and paper
I'm innovative
They have been afraid of me since I was a second-grader
I'm a kid on the playground mom told you to never play with
There are levels of writing and I'm on the elevator
Going up to the top floor look at how we elevated
Wait you don't know our kind now? better get educated


Take both of my arms to rip them out of my sockets and separate them
Forgive me, I know I get animated
But I still save lives every single day without a hesitation
Never been more motivated
Just look at all the minds I have opened and penetrated
I am the voice for the people that think things but never say them
That's why they come to me with courage far better than the wicked
Were carrying weapons


Put the controllers away its game over
I promise I'm way colder
My people keep saying that they're hungry for new inspiration
Pretty convenient I just made a plate for them
But this world needs a makeover
If you've been waiting, The wait's over
You're about to witness a takeover  
I'm home

Now they're waiting for me to match that
The emotion and power I had in the last one
But If I don't then they will say I'm losing my passion
But If I do am I repeating my actions
Yeah look at "The Search" is massive
Ain't no way I can match that
My biggest fear of writing this page is not writing trash
It's disappointing myself and my family


See I want you to picture me
I'm in my room writing
Crying on the floor in the bathroom
In the mirror my room handshaking
Reading "Leave me alone" On my computer screen
Figuring out if I will always feel the way that I feel
Or maybe I can learn to be happy
Or maybe I can't be
Couse If I'm not strong enough are they gonna call me a has-been


Pain has always been the root of my strength
If I cut it off how am I supposed to keep growing
If I let it go won't my whole way be ruined
Then I realized this whole conversation is stupid
Never cared to impress people that don't even know me
I just write what I feel, somehow I started a movement
Trying to enjoy my life but I don't know how to do it
Wasting all of my time being afraid I'm gonna lose it


But then I figured out the reason they follow me
The reason why my family surrounds me
It's not because I'm a god I don't need you to bow to me
All they ever did was doubted me now everyone is proud of me
acknowledge or not
You're not ignoring or following
I'm just teaching them something they can't learn in their colleges
This is for the ones who live in every single day in their lives
Feels like it's darker than Halloween


You're not alone out there
Look around you we have a lot of family in here
Couple a hundred thousand is what I did last year
Read "The Dark Inside Me" trying to **** my fear
They'll get that in a minute
I am a savage I admit it
A lot of baggage I live it
That's why my passion is flooding
Really don't care if they get it
Were only three pages in it
This is just the beginning
We are Home


Isaiah & Aiden Real Life

Yo, it’s now 2019
And the last year is gone
The good parts of the year
Is when west coast eagles
Won the cup against Collingwood oh yeah
And Australia isn’t good at cricket since the ball tampering stunt
And your daily soaps had a lot of drama, enough to make you think this is cool
But no mate no, drama happens a lot
We got a new prime minister
But still in the right wing sector
Still putting rich people first
It’ll change this year oh yeah it will
The music was great
I learnt how to use Facebook live
I got to throw the first pitch at the baseball
And I lost 60 kilos
I went to convoy, saw the mentals
And I enjoyed the reconciliation day fun
I was unhappy that Sydney roosters beat Melbourne
But I enjoyed watching
Batemans bay beat molonglo
I thought Christmas was great
I saw all together now it’s cool
I think
The voice was great
I liked Aiden but he lost to a dj
I did a lot of art
And I made a heavy box on woodwork
I went to see them play the ukeleles at Tuggeranong
Really really cool
I have been working hard
To lose weight, yes I feel much fitter now
I love life it is fun
It is so cool
2018 was great
I think 2019 will be the same

tell me of your childhood,
what's it like now that you have a child
of your own? Afford me the courtesy
if just a moment, of time,
and perhaps a dime, I'm sorry
would you like another glass of wine?
Right? – wrong – You're pregnant, again,
and when are
you
due. Do
you
know the ***, or gender, whatever.

And your baby boy,
what's his name,
Aid in Africa or something?
Oh that's right it's Aiden Efrica...
what's your last name again?

Again, again, again,
where did your roof go –
I mean youth go? Do you still
like Rothko and Rilke, and does your husband,
Ross, drink milk from the carton, and
know you're not proud to be a Roth, rotten,
so you're never changing your name,
don't even have a ROTH IRA,
and you say you're waiting; said since you were dating,
Libertas is your name, that till death you will claim.

So you have a couple kids,
young bride, a new house, a new game
but now I think I know you
always were the same.

Aiden and my time with the Irish
       quietly trying to find fish
              Bernie is my wish!

What's your definition of success
I don't trust the thought's that come inside my head
I don't trust this thing that beats inside my chest
Who I am and who I wanna will not connect Why?
Don't think I deserve it, you get no respect
I just made a lot of changes still not impressed
Smile for a moment, Then these questions start to fill my head
Not again


I push away the people that I love the most
Why
I don't want no one to know that I am vulnerable
Why
That makes me feel weak and so uncomfortable
Why

Stop asking me questions I just want to feel alive
I wanna fly, This isn't Aiden's flow
Just Let me fly, I'm in disguise
I'm busy got no time for lies, one of a kind
You don't see it pull out your eyes, I'm on the rise
I take the chances I roll the dice, do what I like
When I was a kid I used to be afraid of heights, move that aside
Now I'm here you look surprised, so am I


They don't invite me to the parties but I still arrive
Kick down the door then I go inside
Take the keys off the counter and say "Let's go for a ride"
Why do you look mortified
I keep to myself, they think I'm sort of shy, organized
If "The Search" is the only page you read
Well then your behind
Storytime
Wish I could think as my uncle does
But I just can't decide
If I should just stick my knife inside of pennywise


I don't care what anyone else thinks
Lies
I don't need anybody to help me
Lies
I feel guilty cause I feel free
Why
I don't understand, so I'm questioning like why
Just tell me why
Not back to this flow
Inside I feel divided
Back when I never had a dime but had a drive
I question life-like "Who am I man?!!"


Nothing to me is ever good enough
I keep on working for 24 hours a day and think I never did enough
My life is a movie
No tellin what my uncle saw in my cinema
I wanna be great but I get in away of myself and thinking about everything that I can never be
Why do I do it tho?

Why are you always looking aggravated
Not a choice you know I had to do it
When they talk about the greatest they will probably never put him in a conversation
Like something then I got to take it
Write something then I might erase it
I love it but I really hate it
What's the problem Aiden
I don't know!!!!


I know I like to preach to always be yourself
but my emotions make me feel like I am someone else
I and pride made a pact that we don't need any help
Yet I am in war within myself but I forgot the shells
I put up my issues on these pages for show and tell
A lot of people know me but they don't know me well


I put my issues up for all to see as a show and tell
A lot of people know me but they don't know me well

(Stares)...

TOO MANY FACES
TOO MANY FACES
TOO MANY FACES

Hey Aiden
Hows Life
I don't know, it's alright
I've been dealing with some things like every human being and
really didn't sleep much this time
I'm sorry
That's fine
I just think I need a little me-time
I just think I need a little free time
A little break from days of the rough times


This year I had a breakdown
Thoughts telling me I'm lost getting too loud
I had to see my uncle then I found out
Something weird is going on up in my house
So I started thinking maybe I should move out
Pack up my Cart take a new route
Clean up my yard get the noose out
Hang up my heart let it air out


I've been searching
What does that mean Aiden
I've been learning
Keeping my keepsake
Leaving my burdens
See I brought a few with me I'm not perfect
Picking up the cue right I'm quite nervous
Hate it when I lose sight my life gets blurry
And things might hurt me
It's gonna be a long journey


It's worth it tho
The cold world out there
Kids grab your coats
Been a minute I know but see I'm back to roam
Looking for the antidote to crack the code
Been a minute I admit it I'm in resting mode
Don't get pity given to me but I can't condone
Taking down to me I'ma have to rip out your throat
For cracking jokes
I'm looking for the map to hope you saw it


Been making a whole lot of changes
But those are in my journal you should read it
I'm scared when I'm out in new places
I look and see so many faces
That's when I start to get anxious
That's when my bloodlust make me dangerous
That's when I put my balloons up and drown in self-hatred
Forget what I'm saying and

(Smells blood)......

Wheres that scent coming from......

Oh look what's coming
Bloodlust came in you ain't see that coming
Hands on my head can't tell me nothing
Got a taste of that habit then I pump my stomach
Threw it back up like I don't want it
Wipe my face clean up my *****
Now my bloodlust trying to push my buttons
I said don't touch it
Now you've done it........

I can be critical never typical
I can be civil but never minimal
See I can be visual
Even if you hate it I make you feel like you're in it tho
Call me what you want but you never call me forgettable
Leave you deep in thought I can never swim in a kitty pool
Man I don't know If I'm making a journal or a story tho

Yeah you can rise
Doesn't mean much tho when your health declines
See we all got something that we trapped inside
We try to suffocate you know hoping it dies
Hold it underwater but it always survives
Comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise
Hovers over you to tell you millions of lies
You don't relate to that
You must not be crazy as I am

What I saying is that a mind is a powerful place
What you feed it can affect you in a powerful way
Pretty cool right but it's not always safe
Hang with me it will only take a moment okay
Think about for a second when you look at your face
When you get up everyday thinking that you will never be great
See, you'll never be great
We always find a way to cut you up and ****** your faith

See I  never am delicate
But am I relevant that depends how you measure it
Take a measurement then back it up and give me the evidence

It's my time again better grab your balloons invite your friends
Look at me  everybody I'm smiling big
On my road right now but I can't predict
Tell me to turn back around but I can't resist
You Know that growl better raise your fist
The search begins I'm back so enjoying the trip

(Growls)........

So I'm hangin' out at Urban Air
My son is playing dodge ball
Jumping on the trampolines
Saturday. Place is packed.

Lots of birthday parties:
Gwen. Aiden. Sophia.
Frederick, Maryland
Quite far from Iraq.

Or maybe not
I like falafel
Hummus and pita
Kobe and Shaq

Cambrian Cai is climbing
I rewatch the Batman
The rain keeps falling
Got my eye on CPAC

      The Empire? I strike back.

You want to **** yourself, why not?

Because of Mike, he may be an idiot, he may **** you off, but he is your best friend, and you need to always be there for him.

Because of Zoe, you may not see it right now but she is perfect, and beautiful, and amazing, and lights up your life.

Because if you do this, if you **** yourself, it will **** him. Michael is already so angry, at people, at things, at a lot. But do this and Michael will have a reason, he will break. He won't cry, certainly not in public, but if anyone says something that reminds him too much of you, or insults him, or makes fun of you. They will be on the ground, Michael won't stop until he is made to, and he will be in so much trouble. And you won't be there any more to get him out of it, because that has always been your job, but now you are dead, you failed at your job, and he is in trouble.

Because if you do this, if you **** yourself it will **** her. Zoe is already broken, already so fragile, she can't lose you. If she does she will cry, that perfect, beautiful face stained with tears, that girl who you would have traded the world to see smile, well now you are the reason why she is crying. Your perfect little angel, who you used to want to protect from everything, from all the pain, and terrible things in the world. Well you just caused her so much more pain than you can even imagine, and you just showed her, or taught her, or reminded her just how terrible the world really is. That perfect, amazing, beautiful girl you fell in love with, who already had nightmares every night over you, who was already slightly broken, you just broke her more. You even broke your promises, because how can you still love her if you are dead? and you just hurt her so much, when you promised you would never do that again.

So go on, **** yourself, why not Aiden? At least you won't feel like crap any more