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Alyssa Underwood Nov 2015
Promises made by mortal man
Are rarely met by mortal hand
For though they strive to win your heart
Such passions land far from their start

They'll paint, so clear, a future bliss
And draw you in with blinding kiss
But just when you have bought the dream
Man finds pursuits more worthy to deem

Ambition, sport and other girls
Whose flattering words and smiles like pearls
Will tempt a fellow to leave his nest
And lie upon another's breast

'Tis pain so sharp you think you'll die
And tears aren't found enough to cry
A torture rack would be better friend
With all its tearing limb to limb

To have your innards disemboweled
Or face the fiercest lion's growl
Would be kinder punishment than this
From one who knew your ****** kiss

And yet within this darkest night
A hint of moonbeam's softest light
Might rise upon such blistered soul
And shine into its gaping hole

For romance still may spark a flame
And whisper to your heart by name
To woo you in your bleakest hour
With promises of healing power

Promises unlike the others you've known
Whose good intentions were quickly thrown
Away by the frailty of human flesh
When sin's entanglements did enmesh

No, this One's words are wholly sure
His heart and mind and will are pure
His faithfulness cannot be shaken
Nor His covenant love ever be taken

He chose you before He made the sun
And said to the Father, "I want that one!"
He searched you out through all your years
Through all your joys and pains and fears

And now He waits for you to grasp
That deepest pleasure lies in His clasp
That His own kiss brings highest delight
That His face is eye's sweetest sight

It's He alone Who can fill you up
And saturate your empty cup
When life has left you hollow and dry
And numb to further wish to try

When memories lie tarnished with stains
And not one worthy dream remains
He reaches in with perfect hope
That pulls you up like saving rope

And as He wipes tears from your eyes
He says to you: I am the Prize!
Take hold of Me and drink My love
Come sit with Me in realms above

For I have blessings prepared for you
That you've never imagined, but oh it's true
I long to give you all of Me
To draw you close and let you see

That in your pain you know Me best
That heart's rejection finds its rest
In this sweet fellowship of intimacy
Where you are made to look like Me

I'll give you love like you've not known
Enough to see your will o'erthrown
Enough to pour it out upon
That very one who did you wrong

For that one, too, knows thirst of soul
And needs My love to fill the hole
Which, though he's tried hard to ignore,
Pleads, "More and more and more and more!"

But if he never should respond
Still, that pure love will seal the bond
That ties you to My own heartbeat
For then you'll see My love complete

For though the world resists Me still
I love them fiercely and always will
I've known rejection like no other
From bride and kindred and friend and brother

And when you love through hate and scorn
A jewel within your heart is born
For then you glimpse My own heart's breaking
And learn My secrets of rarest taking

To rejoice in the face of bitter spite
Requires sure death but will invite
Your soul to dance in gardens of bliss
Where you will know My Lover's kiss

So come and dance with Me, make haste
There's no spare moment left to waste
Abundant life waits through this door
With thrills and pleasures evermore!
~~~
Sometimes I wonder
Why my heart chose you
Because I'm getting married
And you're married too
Sometimes I wonder
Will we ever talk
And if you made a move
Would I reciprocate or walk
Sometimes I wonder
Does she know my name
Does anyone know about me
Do you wonder the same
Sometimes I wonder
That maybe he knows
But when I spoke the words I liked you
The joke went right under his nose
Sometimes I wonder
Have I read the signs wrong
Or if you've written about me
Because I know you write songs
Sometimes I wonder
Will these feelings ever end
Because when I get married
I don't want to pretend
04/04/2018
You look me in the eyes
And the past comes flooding back
I don't know what to do
My heart is under attack
I thought this was over
You have a wife
When you do this to me
I can't sleep at night
Do you want me
Or do you want her
I'm trying to get over
Something we never were
03/14/2018
Kewayne Wadley Jul 2018
In the question of reassurance.
The single solemn response cannot always end with one that causes
the most anxiety.
The involvement of social media, random dm's, the arrangement of severed ties mended with one thing in mind.
For these reasons insecurity deepens.
Eventually things fall apart.
It's not always about opening your mouth.
There are other ways to be vocal.
Silence becomes deafening.
Defeating the purpose of awareness.
Tempers quickly raise and often the things that aren't meant to be said come out.
Echoing the loudest.
Petty arguments, the excuses that lead us into the messages we're quick to hide.
Despite how much time we've invested, the easiest thing to do is walk away.
Anxiety becoming the fear that pushes us the furthest into ourselves.
It's not always easy.
Opening up,
vocalizing a single woe that begins the journey of a thousand,
if not more.
If forced, we too begin to shut down and contemplate the single best thing.
Being seen as selfish, self-centered.
Quick burst that justifies wrongful intent with one that's right.
It's all about support.
Care & understanding.
The saving grace that bonds the realization that either of us are perfect.
That there are deeper issues at hand that seep far beyond. 
the way we see ourselves, whether we are too big.
Too small, the things we find often too late, said behind our back.

outside of everything else do you truly understand the quality of reassurance.

the equivalent to the moment everything seems to come crashing down.

The times any slight movement brings us down the most.

Equally we both seek the same.

The response reflects the moment.
To defy standard and move to something meaningful.
At a point, the question deserves an answer.

Going in one ear, quickly coming out the other.

To vocalize seemingly in one direction unless the role is reversed
What were you thinking
You'd get me while I'm vulnerable
Walk up to me like we were friends
But we were at a funeral
What else is there to say
There's never a good time
You're already married
And I have someone I call mine
Did you want to see him
To know who has my heart
As you both stood on my sides
I quietly was torn apart
Did you want me to get caught
Why did you think that was okay
You ignored me for so long
Then walked up and said "hey"
You know we don't talk
You know we don't hangout
You know those are my boundaries
Because it's him I can't live without
You might fill my mind
But I can't deny
I'm going to marry him
You were never more than some guy
04/02/2018
The look in your eyes
Became my demise
I get carried away
I can't hear what they say
The feelings still there
The butterflies everywhere
I'm melting inside
From you, I can't hide
I don't know if it's real
I don't know how you feel
This isn't me
I'm lost at sea
This lifeguard can't save me
I think I'm going crazy
He has my devotion
But I'm drowning in your ocean
05/29/2018
Twice in one week
I don't understand
Was that on purpose
Or was this unplanned
In your Friday's best
Is that even a thing
It's been almost a year
Since you quit that routine
Without fail our paths cross
I still feel your fire
And even though it burns me
It's you I desire
I don't know where we stand
Because you still look back
I want you to save me
But you're my heart attack
08/31/2018
Patricia Arches Sep 2013
Choices

This ever blotting simple thing that makes up things

as small as a mouse but also as deadly as sin itself

A simple formula of cause and effect

An effect

A result

A consequence

No pretences

Or fences that guard our decisions

Keeps it safe for being just a choice

For it is no longer just a choice

It is not that simple, see there is a formula to remember

An economic study to this choice where c=e

because

For every cause there is an effect

For every cause there is an effect

For every cause there is an effect

Let it dwell in your mind and affect you

Because that is where it all begins

Let us open up your mind and there we will find that

Alongside that implanted thought are a plethora

Of more thoughts that are placed beside your dreams

Nestled in between your hopes, skilfully intertwined with your visions

There they all lay

Our mind is our drive that takes us down

A road that is long and winding

A highway down to our hands

Which eventually become steered by, picked up with strings ever so delicately like a puppet

Held by that one thought

Your actions are birthed from your thoughts

We see these to be choices

To study these choices would be economics, to understand them would be sympathy

To take a leader who steals from his country

Or a mom who abandons her child to keep herself alive

And view this as sad, as a cry for help?

How and why?

Oh no! We do not stop at just those two ghastly choices

For this is a study of many

Choices

Of things that have happened to determine what will and to save us from what has been

Let us open up this book

And flip each page to see what decrees and laws

Revolutions and words put down on paper

Have anything to do with where we stand today

For the choices of the past still linger here

Mixed in with the choices of the present

Creating this air that we breathe in and out every single day

We would be infuriated with rage as we scan through the pages of this book of choices

A chapter of injustice

A paragraph of cruelty

A statement of selfishness

A line of adultery

But, wait! Oh, let us stop on this

One

story

For this I do not even understand

See I have studied choices, and put them into many formulas

To see the effects and the causes of each

but this story is different

For it is not just one chapter

One statement

One line

It is the whole story and each is intricately woven within it

In fact, the book is titled for this one story

And to begin it would be to start off with a choice

By a God

To send his son

To die for men

Men whose choices we see throughout the whole book

Men whose choices are vile and selfish and ruthless

Sinful men

*****

And yet a God so Holy and pure still sends down his son in His likeness for these grimy men??

See, if we picture it. It is a white cloth, pure and clean not just dipped but completely submerged in dirt

Now that is not a choice that I would make

But it was made

A man so untainted and holy

Came down

To die for the sinner

Who stole from the helpless woman in the ally

Who murdered an innocent child in the ****

Who told a tiny white lie to his mom and dad and gave himself away to drugs and peer pressure

Who lusted after the world and what seemed good but really was death covered in make up whispering

in the promises lie after lie

To die for the sinner who is you

You

Jesus chose to die for you

On that cross, with his hands bound by nails and his feet the same

And with every last breath, last drop of blood and whip of the chain

he thought of you

and that is a choice that no study, no analyzation could ever make sense of

but it was done

it is done

is what he said for you as his arms were spread out wide

and all your choices

he negated the effects, and ultimately the effect of death

and formulated a solution of eternal life instead

for this one choice

changed all the rest

Now, think, think it through

Every choice you make

and every choice that was made is made brand new, infused with grace

Remember this for when there is a test the formula of cause and effect

Still stand true

but also remember Jesus who did what you had to do

for you may make many more flawed choices without a thought

Therefore go down on bended knees gaze at the cross

where stood the Father’s son

never a doubt that this choice for you was a wrong one

that any effect wouldn’t be worth it

you are worth any effect

you are an effect

of that one choice made on the hills of calvary

look up at the cross when your lewd effects force out the mistakes of your personal choices

then resurface that one choice made 2000 years before

bring it up amongst all the confusion and chaos

study it’s economic worth

hold it dear

smile at it even for

that senseless,

unexplainable,

brilliant,

grand,

intricate,

lovel­y,

merciful,

gracious,

holy,

divine,

choice

is all for you
FIDELITY?  I've always been a strong believer in fidelity until i met him.
He was nothing like the other men, there was an aura about him that pulled you to him, the man was an enigma, sexuality had never been so portrayed by a man but this man was special!
ADULTERY! This man had charmed his way into my life and boy did i not know what i was in for! He was married yes, i was entertaining young men yes but i was overwhelmed by my feelings for him that i embraced it and loved the fact that he was married and i had a man, men? i really didn't care.
*******! The first time he took me was on his office table, we didn't make love, all we did was ****, he was rough and would say the nastiest things, i felt like a ***** and i loved it. he wouldn't even bother closing the door, made it more intense. we would be at it for hours but still, i wanted his filthy **** after we were done, plunging in so deep, filling me with his seed, spending time in his office in the pretense of working. Well he was working me and i was rocking his ****.
****? **** was all i felt for him, it wasn't love. i wasn't so gullible to think so because when i woke up i couldn't even remember his name. maybe it was a dream showing me how the other half lived.........
Mohd Arshad Jan 21
Upon the bough of a bride birch
Perched two doves, their lips pursed
The leaves rustled, they made no lurch.

Glistened the golden glow, rolled their eyes
To break the ice his desirous palm he crept
And hers she withdrew but he liked the rise

Let's go back the evening is widely sable
Anon, the night will open up its massive jaw
And the devils will petrol and we're feeble

Squeal, mumbled she, adultery so heinous,
Irrimissble, frown-fetcher, and then I'd muse
If again living with you forever isn't outrageous

I admit, I bow, I seek your fervour-forgiveness
He stood up, cried and closerly inched to her
followed she, but moved on with unfriendliness

The confession carried out with much remorse
Won her heart, humble, and hugged each other
And flew to nest optimistic of no further woes
Jonathan Sawyer Jan 2018
Mania. Everything was good when you were with me.

I felt normal. The chains bolted to my eyelids where magically gone, like the money in your bank account after a heavy, drunken, stupor & forthright gambling spree.

The spear in my side that your twin brother, depression, threw inside me was no longer twisting up my insides. Thank you.

This feels like a goodbye letter but I'm actually trying to hold on to you. You give me life. Your twin takes it away and he rash-burns my face in it.

I was accomplishing all the things; skipping from one stone to the next without feat. "Flutter your wings and dance," is your motto.

But like all good things, you drive me away, knowing that I'll see you again.

Try as I might, I remain faithful to you, but you commit adultery every week.

Sometimes you demand my time, even when I'm low. I cry for hours with your natural dichotomy, not because I can't decide--I can--but because you and your twin rip me apart in twain, changing my reality as sure as the rain falls in the Amazon.

The demons call out to me, whispering evil into my mind. I believe every evil thing when I am not armed with your brilliance. I lose that perspective, every time, and sometimes immediately.

Your twin brother and cousin visit me early in the morning right before bed time. If my doubts and fears are real, then my mind's eye is experiencing a real reality, and thus I am as I feel, like a plastic bag tumbling in the wind.

Yet, everyone reminds me that I am but a joke and a comic, one which not even you can trust.

The biggest asset I lose when you choose to cheat on me is your energy--that precious flow that bears my creative passion.

But now I am barren, an unfit conduit that is incapable of maintaining that flow. The demon upon me powerfully weaves its tapestry of sludge that encases my mind.

My mind, it's the only thing I have left. And yet, I can never trust it.

You've lied to me before and you'll lie to me in the future.

But for now, I'll have to make do with your half-truths.

Until next time.
30 December 2017 - My brain-dump on bipolar mania during an episode of depression. I am a rapid cycler and I deal with the ups and downs of bipolar disorder teetering on hypomania and depression every couple of weeks, often falling prey to the mixed state, ripping my mind through the heartbeats of time.
vanity.
Infinitely.
What is Reality?
Who am I without a family?
Life itself is so costly.
People living without morality.
Everything is a war, always using a sentry.
Life is no comedy.
Always expressing feelings externally.
Unless they are you, you hurt them internally.
Someone always using profanity.
This is the direct definition of insanity.
People out there committing adultery.
Why cant hate end with mortality?
Why does war have to go on for an eternity?
do clouds obscure your
lite-brite stars tonight,
or is this clouding
within my own eyes?
polaris, polaris,
i have been unfaithful
and forgotten you, companion
to a young father, a young
mother, though they didn't
know it yet, floating all night
along the churchill, too lazy
(too contented?) to even
stop to make camp, both
of us half-sleeping, her
head my heaven, her
pillow my chest, but me
always with one eye glancing
up in appreciation, like you had
a secret to share, 433 light-years
away, like you knew how many
souls were in that freighter
canoe on our way back to
the world, one more than
when we left... was it really
almost 30 years ago?

the river is iced completely over on
this night, this night, this awful
******* night that i will
never forget a moment
of, and i need to make
my way to the lands to the
south before the winter sets
in, through the forests that she
fed, and tonight the adultery
against that guiding star and
my foolish ways have caught
up with me, fully, completely... but
please, i beg you, take me back pole star,
i promise not to stray so far, not again,
not ever, forever, not forever ever,
and i will never demand any
other boon, save i may ask one, one
last final wish... but that too is dream.

yes, my past has finally
caught up with me, and my
north star is gone, the heavens
now stand so empty, a sword piercing
my heart that so deserves piercing,
the tip of a flaming sword as sharp
as these failing eyes used
to be, sharper than i could
ever have dreamed of, no,
this can't be real, this can't
be real, this cannot be, that's
it, i'm sleeping, for this is my
worst nightmare, and nightmares
only come when you sleep, don't
they? don't they? DONTTHEY???

i know
there is no one
no one out there, not
anymore, the smell of gangrene
has driven her away, as it did
her mother those years before, by
nurture or nature, i have failed
beyond miserably the only really
important job i've ever had,
the only really important
job that there even is,
and i can't stop these
weak, disgusting, self-pitying
******* tears, what kind of man
am i as i cry for my own pain and
abandon hers, crawling like
something slug-like along a
memory of rocky outcropping
of our once precious canadian shield,
crawling in circles, my face pressed
into the rotting fibre so sadly wasted
on this forest floor, redundant when
the mills all closed down, wishing on
you anyways through this blindness,
the most impossible of all wishes,
but most likely the one you've heard
more than any other through aeons:

to go back in time armed with
the knowledge that i have now,
saving her from my same fate,
being the father i wish i had been,
even while not quite knowing where
i went wrong aside from rotten genes,
but then who am i kidding, i know as
much as i know anything that
somehow this is all my fault.
i don't know how exactly,
i don't know the mechanics,
but this is pure me, the
only possible point
of origin. i'm so sorry.
i'm so so so sorry.

i know of my culpability
as well as i used to know how
to find you, true north, before
north, south, east, west,
all blended into one tonight,
and there is nowhere left for
me to go. or maybe only
one place left, and how
i ache for that last ice
cold embrace, like i
used to ache for the
warmth found between
thighs; she is the last lover
of us all, and she doesn't
have any discrimination
between thighs freezing
cold, and eyes doubly so,
waiting just beyond the
light fading so fast
and all goes blurrier
and blurrier until
all i see is the
dark, the dark,
dark... dark...
lights out.
tl;dr

clouds obscure stars
pole star, i need you
crawling in circles

& putting the week to rest

54.40 - alcohol heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZTTlQG0m3U

for my daughter, i hope you break free, but i cannot do it for you
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