No Hoots Gang Jul 2015

Oh, dank
                 memes..
                           why wont you 
                                               wank      
                                                           me, me.
                                         For that is a world I want to live in
                                                why wont you just give in.

heidi May 2011

A barraster at law no less
I wouldnt trust I must confess
Looking down your pointed nose
seductively holding pose
Your linkedIn profile
who could see
just how you get your
filthy fee

Perverted farming
Filthy creeps
In Hi ace vans
and blacked out jeeps
Gratefully they pay their fee
In return for an STD

Heres the justice overflow
For Nank and wank and gigolo
I'm returning him to you
When I scrape him from my shoe
For you my dear a final fact
His STD is still intact!
Enjoy!

Poetic T Jun 2015

Spank it, wank it,pull it hard, call it a Name,
Make it hard, just us those palm muscles
That have been working over time on this
Single person and their knackered hand.

Fondle it, shout at it, fuck this doesn't usually
Happen, dam why are you not going hard.

Put lube on it make it wet, like in a pussy
Just imagine two wet lips legs nicely spread
Apart, just  pam and her five sisters and a
Lonely curved palm.

Use your imagination so it,ll stay hopefully
Hard, my god my hands going dead this is
To much like hard work.

Tug in silence or moan out loud, over a magazine
Or over porn on TV, sound turned down don't
Want other to know, what ever floats the boat just
To get to that point that you need to ooze it all out.

But for the love of god make sure your door is locked,
To have your mother or wife walk in saying,

"WHAT THE FUCK,

You'll be limp in a second, and lost for a good excuse.
Of why you got lube, toilet roll and hand spanking
While shouting filthy dirty words out.

Melanie Kate Oct 2009

Just a disappointment

I don't hate,
It’s just wasteful-
Breathing in
and never breathing out.

The space is empty
with crammed tug-of-wars
dragging my heart,
Heart dragging months.

I don't think
any less or worse-
Character undefined. Always repetitive.
Bored of the wank
pulling over old paintings;
Same as yesterday,same as before.

I don't cry
for actions cowardly
shunted inwards;
Explosion due released.
The shedding tears,
carving maps upon lips,
design attention
inward reaps deliverance.

I don't hurt
for lacking sensitivity-
desire for one embellished
with lapping present conviction.
The same minuscule point,
returned again and again-
Intentions to change;
Stairwell to nowhere.

(c) Mel D. Ltd. (10 Oct. 09) 2009
Matt Jursin Mar 2010

I got into an altercation over a little alliteration. I offended and cant amend it. It was more than an argument, I was almost arrested. I obviously pissed someone off with my honest offering. I wasn't teasing. See, all I said was pretty please...Will you wank my willy, while winding up my windmill and blowing between my buttcheeks?

I dunno what I was thinking, dont ask=-)

Sitting in our tutorial
Just me and Nick
Both surreptiously
Watching the seconds tick

"Kevin", Nick pauses,
I'm glad he's got something to say,
"What's it called when girls wank?"

OK, wasn't expecting that...

I ponder for a second
To consider my response
I'd quite like it if  I don't have to say the word 'wank' myself
Or any synonym.

Fortunately, spurred on by his youth,
Nick saves the day:
"Is it called fingering?"

"Yeah I think either one would do
Now let's get back to this history,
Where did Hitler bomb in 1942?"

So the lesson continues
Just Nick and me
Both surreptiously
Massively relieved


PS
Strictly speaking, 'fingering' is when someone else's hand is involved.
'To finger oneself' is the equivalent to masturbating.
I have no regrets that I failed to make this distinction at the time.

Part 2 (a few weeks later)

"Kevin, this might sound like a funny question, but
Have you heard of a camel-toe?"
Me: "er...No"

Edward Coles Jun 2015

I remember the first time I ejaculated,
I thought I was having a seizure-
or that I had somehow malfunctioned the Matrix
and had broken through
a fold of reality;
some white-noise ladder to greater plains,
throbbing, animal convulsions,
and a peak that only death
could overpower.

I remember crashing into shame
upon my return, versus the smug welcome
of oxytocin and my adult life;
not knowing to what extent
my penis would dominate my mind;

you know, I cannot write a poem
without noticing my loneliness,
all the blowjobs I have left behind.
For that moment, in my New Found Orgasm,
I was paralysed at the thought of a sober life,
and ever since that moment,
ever since that night,
I have been searching for those higher plains
in the lowest branches of myself.

Now I smoke my fill and redden my eyes
to bleed out old anxieties,
dry up old tears whilst softening scars
that I have collected over years
spent indoors, hiding from danger.
I remember the first time I ejaculated,
how it came to me by accident,
a repeated motion of unknown emotions;
the undulations in her breath;
even now I still sit by myself,
and make love out of whatever is left.

(C) 26.05.2015
Poetic T May 2014

I have them in my mind, a place for me to use and abuse,
when alone and where no one can see.
I visualise what I need, those lovely ladies recorded
in thoughts used by me.

My neighbour she's as hot as could be,
but after to many usesshe has become a bore.
What once went hard with a thought,
now my cheese stick slumps not content,
new wank bank material is needed so on goes the TV

O ye this is good, weather girls low cut tops
in the bank they go for use later for me.
But I need that girl to light the meat, to get me well hard,
so I see one woman in the bank ready for me.

I test drive her not as good as could be,
so I swap parts saved in the file, now perfect for lonely fun.
The thought of her lube and me.

All men and woman are nearly the same,
they have a wank bank for those times when lonely.
Be it butts,legs, breasts or meat hanging or the
slit between the legs.
We all have that special some one that is with
us when are fingers and palms get happy...

Every one has a wank bank..
Pixievic Mar 2016

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel
I wish my heart was made of stone
That I was immune to all this shit
Of being on my own
My world is full of cockwombles
Fuckwits & Spunk trumpets
Turd burglars & cunt puddles
Wank stains & fuck nuggets!
And those are just the few
That I've had the joy of meeting
I'd like to dare the rest to meet
Somewhere - however fleeting
Stand up and be counted
You liars, cheats and cads
You wazzocks & jebends
I'll grab you by the gonads
Because I've simply had enough
Of being treated like a tool
Of believing all the shit you spout
Like some poor pathetic fool
I cannot shake the feeling
That the stupidity I feel
Is down to the betrayal
Of all the lies that you conceal
So I'm giving up compassion
To empathy goodbye
And to trusting blindly what I'm told
Farewell & fuckety bye!

(C) Pixievic 2016

I may have been a little pissed off when I wrote this .......!!
Cry Sebastian Dec 2010

There was a snail (named Dale)
with a very long tail
who ventured off into the world.
He said to himself
(Dale the snail)
I'd love to meet a bootiful goil.

So in a flash from space,
with mucus running down her face,
came an alien creature called Joan,
She saw a silver line
(it was a snail trail)
and followed it to see where it goes.

And far in ...the distance
she saw in an instance
at the end of the snail trail sparkling in the sun-
A slimy and sweet
creature she'd love to meet
with a shell on his back for a home.

She said:"I do declare,
you look dashing and fair"
as bubbles oozed from her eyes.
Dale just blushed,
as his face lit up,
and said: "aw you're just saying that you sassy young blob of an alien gawjus sweet thing with no hair :)"

She looked at this tiny dream of a slobber,
he was in awe at her globber.
But their hearts sank at their difference in size.
She was glandular large
like a bright yellow barge
and he was as small as a splarge.

A stick insect saw -
the tragedy of it all
and came up with a very cunning plan.
He knew a wizard once
who ate snails for lunch,
they could trick him to changing her small...

As he told them the tale,
their faces went pale
but their love was too strong for the fear.
So they  slithered and shlozzered
to Joan's flying saucer
to find the castle of Wizzy the Wank.

The wizard was waiting
with his eyes full of hating
and a knife and a fork in each hand.
There was garlic and salt
that he took from his vault
and he drooled on his beard as he sang:

"Alien Shpeegle
with shnails in shmeegle,
a delightful shurprishe for a man!
Groggy my groach
with shome shlime on my toasht"
and he pranced and danced with his band.

The spacecraft landed,
unexpectant of ambush,
the couple wanderd on in.
Wizzy swung from a rafter
and trapped Dale in a corner,
and said: "My you'll go well with my Shtew!"

Joan got mad
and rolled on to her lad
and sucked the wizard into her goo.
She suddenly felt all tingly
as she turned into a twinky,
there was nothing more she could do.

The Wizard escaped
and poor Dale met his fate,
and was smeared on the twinky sliced in two.
Wizzy gobbled them up
with some glee in his cup,
and then succumbed to food poisoning goo.

So it seemed that it ended
on that dark cold September,
for the lovers who's loving was doomed...
But on a planet far away
at the early break of day
two souls bubbled in primordial stew.

An amoeba named Dale
and an amoeba named Joan
were floating in bubbles of gas,
So deep the attraction
-the magnetized action,
they could now be together at last. 

A Mareship Sep 2013

1.  Understand Weather.

(Strangers on a bench,
Looking up.)

“Cirrus, I think.
Cirrocumulus?”
“Stratus surely.
Or altocumulus.”

(You must also hate the cold
And the sun,
And always wish the current season
Was a different one.)


2. Never Be Honest About Stuff That Hurts.

Pain so bad
Can’t even wank –
“How are you, Arthur?”
“Brilliant, thanks!”

3. Have An Opinion On These People

Katie Price (Feminist? Witch?)
Kate Moss (Goddess? Bitch?)
Stephen Fry (Snob? Wilde?)
Frankie Boyle (Offensive? Mild?)

4. Never Talk About Money.

“So.” An American asks. “How much do ya make?”
“I…I…Oh My God look at that dog over there that has a face like a pancake!”

5. Learn How To Apply The Class System To Cigarettes.

Pipe – Monty Withnail
Silk Cut – Comfortably Middle.
Lucky Strikes – Probably not British.
B&H; – Shops at Lidl.

6. Secretly (Or Openly) Enjoy The Royal Family

“So, did you hear what they called the baby?”
My boyfriend shrugs and says -
“I don’t give one tiny fuck.”
“They named him George. Isn’t that twee?”
“Aw fucking hell, I had a tenner on Louis!”

7. Hey Jude.

If all else fails,
At the end of the night,
Sing na-na-na
And it’ll be alright.

8. Never Complain About Your Meal

“Hm. These mussels look a bit suspect.”
“How’s your meal, Sir?”
“Perfect!”

9. Always Hate The French, (Even If Your Own Mother Is French)

Numberplate 'F'
On an articulated lorry.
“Stuck up…onion…bastards.”
(I’m sorry mum, I’m so sorry!)

10. ‘Jerusalem’

Mime a sword in your hand,
Bang your chest with devotion,
Wave the sword about,
Sing with emotion.

All in jest.
(my bf smokes B&H; and before giving me one always says ' these are real man's fags. Feel it hit you? Yeah? REAL MAN'S FAGS.')
(I also understand that in America the term 'real man's fags' means something entirely different.)
Jeff Barbanell Jun 2014

Look down
From on high
Lord knows
How bleeds your sharp knife
Incisor
My pack fights tooth and nail
Our brood suckles hard
Gets our due from each teat
Renewable Romulus and Remus
Makes Mother happy
Her pups engaged
Zeus burst his brain making you
Jupiter’s irrational exuberance
Pumped up
Hear me now
Believe me later
We guttersnipes must contend
With your white largesse
Piss on us trickler
At least give us jobs
Blown handy our daily wank
Rather eat ass
Off a silver platter
Served by Salome

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