"before i'd speak bad of you"

i'm in a dangerous state of mind
with no care for living this life
where human emotions are traded
for less than a pack of rubbers
but you didn't even use those
so how much did i truly mean
when the push came to shove
and grinding hips
with moaning lips
that whispered, screamed,
and cried his name
on the night you fucked my heart away
where loyalty takes a literal backseat
to pleasure
and a long term relationship
is laughing stock material
ha ha standup, ain't i funny
to look for something more than this
but i would choke on my own tongue
before i'd speak bad of you
my backstabbing lover
unfaithful friend
i hope to god it he was worth it
the cost was more than just tears
but blood spray on the bathroom mirror
and an empty place where i once
used to love
permanently empty
i can't find the will to care
more than a few half-hearted,
correct that, heartless
obscenities muttered under my breath
with murder on my mind
a 3:30am fantasy to help dull
the pain that i should be feeling
maybe i'm just a pessimist,
fatalist, cynical, and negative
but my lack of surprise cuts the most
lied to by my mind for those
two months of my life
that i thought i had it all
better to have loved and lost
but even better to fuck it all
and just go out with your name on my lips
and your lies in my heart
i hope you think of me when you're with him
that you choke on your tears
plagued with the worst emotions and loss
a better killer than any gun

i gave you everything and you gave it away
i can't sleep at night because when i close my eyes
all i see is you with him
"that way you could see the bad ass i really am,"

i acted cool.
You know, like how they do it on TV.

27 floors up,
your door was unlocked.

i didn't take my shoes off,
that way you could see the bad ass i really am,
deep down.

You know, you told me you loved me.
That's why I came.
i believed you.

Oh, how naive of you, i think back now.

I sat on your beat-down chair,
while you sprawled out on the floor-level couch.

I was terrified,
but the kids on TV are never scared.

He said he loved you.
No one else has ever felt that way before.
He loves you, kid.
You can do it.

Come cuddle on the couch?
Meh, maybe if i feel like it later.

Play. It. Cool.

i slide unto the foot of your sex-stained sofa.
i can feel your feet shaking behind my back,
your toes teasing my sides,
poking in and out between my ribs.

i know what you want,
and i want it too.

Keep. It. Cool. Kid. Keep it Cool.

i feel my hands slip out of your tight grasp,
my fingers inching their way up your leg,
following the dips of your pelvic bone.

What is happening?

The taste of you is so foreign to me.
i've never known the sweetness of another human being.

Let's go to your room?

Kid, it's just like on TV.

Okay, yeah, i guess if you really want to.

i didn't want to take my clothes off.

The world was spinning,
i was seeing and feeling things i didn't know to exist.

What is happening?

i love you.
i love you, i love you.

it's all over,
i leave.
27 floors of shame.

not only don't you love me,

you don't talk to me.

"I want to know how bad it is,"
Cara Keyser 

So, I have a thing for rainbows.
The colors make me feel calm.
They go white-pink-orange-yellow-yellow green- dark green- blue green-light blue-dark blue-indigo-light purple-dark purple-brown-black-grey-white.
I added some of those.
They seemed right.
I always put my markers in rainbow order.
It makes me mad sometimes.
Most people don’t know the rainbow order.
They don’t even try to look it up.
There’s a business
In my town.
Rainbow Cleaners.
They have a series of colored lights under their awning.
It goes blue-purple-lime green-neon orange-pink.
Driving by, I see
Those mistakes.
I’m ready to club someone.
But I’m not OCD.
That could be anybody.

So, I have a thing for my nails.
I look at them sometimes
For hours.
I buff them and file them and polish them.
I cut them I glue fake nails to them and pry those off.
I do all of these things,
Mostly to keep myself from doing
One thing.
I pick at them.
Til’ they’re to the quick.
Til they’re ugly and I wish they were longer
The other day I was listening to an audiobook.
I felt wetness at my fingertips.
It was warm and sick,
Like sweat,
But wrong.
I felt stinging
I looked down.
All my fingers were bleeding.
But I’m not OCD.
That could be anybody.

So, I have a thing for the lights.
They all have to be on
Or they all have to be off.
Someone told me on wastes electricity.
Off it is.
Making supper in the darkness,
I cut myself by accident.
I want to know how bad it is,
But if I turn on the kitchen lights,
All the others have to be on, too.
I run from run from room to room.
I don’t look at my bleeding hand.
I just turn on all of the lights.
They go kitchen-hall-upstairs hall-bedroom-bathroom-guestroom-downstairs again-living room-bathroom-laundry room.
In the laundry room, I can finally look.
It is awful.
I have left a trail of blood behind me.
To mark my path.
The right path.
The only path through the house.
But I’m NOT OCD.
That could be anybody.
So, I have a thing for my clothes.
The other day, they were wrong.
So I spent four hours naked organizing.
When I finally broke the trance,
That goes white-pink-orange-yellow-yellow green- dark green- blue green-light blue-dark blue-indigo-light purple-dark purple-brown-black-grey-shirts-jackets-dresses-skirts-palazzo pants-pants-shoes,
It was really late.
I had not made it to work.
I might be fired
Because I’ve done this before.
I might be OCD.
This does not happen to everybody.

"On bad days,"

I can't sleep without you.
My dreams are filled with pain.
I remember too much of what I've seen and felt,
And in the morning all I remember is pain and fear.

On bad days,
I can't stand to see
You giving more of your attention
To someone else.

And even though I know it's a fallacy
Created by my mind's illnesses,
My brain immediately jumps to
It's because they're prettier than you.
It's because she's more confident.
It's because you're not making the same kind of progress as she would be.

And on good days, and then out of spite on bad days,
I want to tell you, softly,
"Please stop trying to fix me.
I'm not broken."

But the sad truth is,
I am.
But you still can't fix me.
I don't want you to.
That's my job.

I used to think I was a bad person.
Because I am jealous.
And I am insecure,
And spiteful
And snarky
And cold.

But I am not bad.
Yes, I am jealous.
I am insecure.
I am spiteful.
I am sarcastic.
And I am withdrawn.

But I'm also warm to those you need it,
And I have compassion that goes on for days.
I'm good at holding my tongue,
And I would never actually hurt someone,
Unless it was somehow to protect them.

There's not much to like about me.
But I've found some of it.

But after all these revelations and epiphanies,

I still can't sleep
Without you.

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