"so how much did i truly mean"

i'm in a dangerous state of mind
with no care for living this life
where human emotions are traded
for less than a pack of rubbers
but you didn't even use those
so how much did i truly mean
when the push came to shove
and grinding hips
with moaning lips
that whispered, screamed,
and cried his name
on the night you fucked my heart away
where loyalty takes a literal backseat
to pleasure
and a long term relationship
is laughing stock material
ha ha standup, ain't i funny
to look for something more than this
but i would choke on my own tongue
before i'd speak bad of you
my backstabbing lover
unfaithful friend
i hope to god it he was worth it
the cost was more than just tears
but blood spray on the bathroom mirror
and an empty place where i once
used to love
permanently empty
i can't find the will to care
more than a few half-hearted,
correct that, heartless
obscenities muttered under my breath
with murder on my mind
a 3:30am fantasy to help dull
the pain that i should be feeling
maybe i'm just a pessimist,
fatalist, cynical, and negative
but my lack of surprise cuts the most
lied to by my mind for those
two months of my life
that i thought i had it all
better to have loved and lost
but even better to fuck it all
and just go out with your name on my lips
and your lies in my heart
i hope you think of me when you're with him
that you choke on your tears
plagued with the worst emotions and loss
a better killer than any gun

i gave you everything and you gave it away
i can't sleep at night because when i close my eyes
all i see is you with him
"Iabsolutelyha(you mean more to me than"

for of lies we tell
the truth

i tell you how i feel,and
you do the
-same?(neither of could possibly
tell the truth)because
the other would think it of a lie

but when you tell me a lie,i take it as the
when i tell the truth(to you)its
a lie?

would i be wrong(although i am right),to assume
that somewhere in the word


Iabsolutelyha(you mean more to me than
the water to the stream)teyou

we will never
work out. we just don't understand

i hope you don't find this too confusing. i was inspired by ee cummings with this one.
"But that does not mean"
Ivy Leigh 

I am not alone.
But that does not mean
I don't feel alone.
That the loneliness I feel doesn't eat at me,
making every word said push me in the other direction
away from my sanity.
I can't express it because no one understands.
They try to reconcile
and say they are here for me
and they always will be.
They miss every word I told them.
I already know
I am not alone.

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