3153 miles away I lay with a mind that's clouded with thoughts. Past Scenarios playing out differently. Over analyzing the present. Anticipating the emotion that I will feel in the future. If ever I was consumed it has never been like this. Regret comes and fades. optimism shares that same cycle. Happiness And sadness come in doses like sedatives. The voice of jealousy tells me that hope makes me weak. Anger fuels my fire and logic keeps it burning. Yet voices, Medication, and the embers fade. The constant variables are only wondering and anxiety. Peace comes in sleep and yet its hardly enjoyed.
This morning before
I ever lifted my head,
I turned to see
Your half of the bed.
And what a harsh reminder
Of how I'm growing old
With your side of the bed
Still unbearably cold.
Your sheets are not tossed,
Your pillow unpressed--
All lovely reminders
Of my current distress.
Was it not merely a month ago
That I was curled against your skin?
We were perfect puzzle pieces,
Your shoulder to my chin.
All day long
We would curl up and sleep
With nothing like time
And business to keep.
But what a terrible disease
Lurked inside my mind.
I never thought I could be
So selfish and unkind.
If only I had known
I was capable of such sin
I never would have let
Our cursed romance begin.
I could promise to never
Let it happen again.
I could take my pills
Like I refused to then.
I could be so much better,
My darling, please see.
If only, if only
You'd come back to me.
Knotted in odd places,
like spines of ancients,
the result of wisdom accumulated
yet unequally distributed
But no beauty lies in uniformity
So they continue to grow,
feeding from oblivion and pulsing with life,
rooted in still waters, yet aspiring for heights unseen.
The slow growth of these skeletal soldiers,
echoing the most minuscule of movements,
Awakens fluidity from her sleep
Yawning off silent energy
that reverberates throughout
this cold pond,
and entices brilliantly colored koi
to congregate at the surface,
mouths gaping open with eagerness,
delighted at the prospect of nourishment -
while all around, the night awaits,
trembling with anticipation,
releasing delicate aromas of jasmine;
Easily overlooked, yet lingering in one's subconscious
And the last drops of fragrant jasmine tea will evaporate,
revealing the pale, moon-like center
of porcelain teacup -
a glaring reminder
that when fluidity changes its course
and disappears from sight,
one is forced to gaze down at one's own reflection
And become reacquainted with mortality
apex of the witching hour;
it beckons to me with sly allure.
pummeled fists, hard kernels of truth
silently relish whimsical patterns
birthed by this intensifying pressure
anxiously await the threshold
to this lonely portal, shrouded mysteries
echo as if from far away
tiny shifting shapes, pulsating colors
take on a life of their own
content in obscurity
urgent voices of the bubbling creek
are slowly being drowned by soft, yet
intensifying sighs of the flowers
until all is saturated
with eerie overlapping melodies
heightened but for a brief moment
silence settles over the wood, glaring in the midst
of everything that could have been
even as the doors to this parallel universe
shut cruelly once again.
This misty grey day
Looked back at me
and smiled at the sight
See my reddened brown eyes
Joy in my head
As my neck suffered another
crashed out night
On my pillow made of lead
Toss to the turn as the sleep monster says
"no sleep for you boy awaken the dead"
Awaken the dead ? I thought
As my head lolled around
Thoughts of another night
Lost to no sound
Aches to my bones as I shudder the sleep
Fall at my side
Fall as a heap
Sleep please forgive me as I bid you farewell
Another day started