I aspired so much to be like her
I, myself, aspired so much to be like a person who didnt even aspire to be herself.
my thoughts were consumed with attempting to be like the girl i saw in front of me
but what were my eyes missing
My eyes, my eyes missed years of self despise, eyes filled with tears unable to cry, for she was too hurt.
My eyes missed the pain that she felt, the drugs she dealt all to gain new perspective and put a little green in the pockets that were almost torn.
i didnt even know who i was yet, but the thought of being her engulfed my every action.
all of my actions attempts to gain satifaction that i was one step closer to being the girl i saw.
and then was the moment i saw through it all.
this humpty dumpty i put so high up on an imaginary pedistol had her final fall.
This girl, was perfect, but in her mind she felt she didnt derserve it,
felt so far away from perfection she didnt know how to show it.
So she hid behind her clothes and her makeup, making everyone fall in love with a version of herself that was a lie.
A lie that left her broken and so unsure of herself and of peoples real emotions, because her real self had left so many turning for the door she didnt know how to portray herself in such a way to make anyone she loved or cared for stay.
Her story is real, her fall was so great that the impact was too much for her fragile broken body to take.
so she didnt take it. she took the easy way out.
she killed herself on the same day she lost herself long ago.
the same day she found that being a revolving door to men and their baggage was the only thing that made her forget for a while.
I hope shes happy where she is and i hope she will smile to know that i aspired to be the real her, not the one she appeared to be.
I got dressed up,
and actually did my makeup,
concentrated effort on precision,
because I’m going there with you.
I don’t really want to go
to this party,
where I won’t know people
well enough to have a conversation.
I don’t want to go
and sit silently on the couch,
while you mingle
and make jokes,
forgetting that you brought me along.
I would rather just lay here.
motionless in the dark,
away from people
and away from the responsibility
of having to be someone.
But I have to go,
because I’m scared that I’m losing you,
but maybe if I try
and put myself together,
you’ll see in me,
something worth keeping.
Even if you decide
that I’m not worth keeping,
and throw me away,
at least I went,
and knew in enough in advance,
to savor those moments with you,
admiring you from a couch.
I am carved in scars
In stretches, in mars and imperfections
Blood, sweat, thick skin.
Roots of strength and passion and pride
I will not trade my high mentality for your low approval
I am a queen of Africa
Untamed, virgin hair, color: opaque
Killed, straightened, whitened
Westernized, hypnotized, it's this way or the highway.
Bleached skin, egotistical chocolate, pale skin
Contacts in shades of green, blue, hiding murky eyes
Size 0, size 1, size 3, stop. Hips do lie, only flat and thin.
Push up bras, Barbie breasts, corset waists.
Bikinis, mini skirts, cleavage, to hell with tradition.
I am carved in makeup
In luster, attention and perfection
No longer, blood, sweat, thick skin
Lost roots of strength and passion and pride
I have traded my high mentality for your low approval
I am no longer queen of Africa,
No longer queen of me.
I need someone
someone to be mine
and I to be hers,
like silvering stars to the night.
I need someone right now,
to lull my heart
into slumbering sweet of love
and takes the sadness out of me.
I need someone to wipe my tears,
and share all my secrets with.
Someone to laugh and smile with
as we climb the height of heaven's joy.
Someone when I hold so close,
burns me with passion
as she sending loves my way.
I need someone
someone to love, to hold,
to fight, and makeup with.
someone to care for.
I need someone
to share my life with eternally.