we were just small children so we didn’t quite understand what father meant when he said
“mother is sad”
we continued our games and make believe stories and waited for mother to be happy
and when we were young, sad just meant someone stepped on your picture
or they ruined your sand castle
and in 2 seconds it was over
the deeper I fall into my depression I find my mother
I find her ghouls and her ghosts
I find her dark eyes in my dark eyes every time I look in the mirror
and I find her hatred for everything, including me
I find new ways to torture myself
“you have your mothers eyes”
we also have the same disease
the only difference is, her demons won
mine don’t stand a chance
Day and night, your mother labored
And expelled, (regrettably not
a swallow of a man)
your shivering feathers
tainted with tar and desire
already plotting my demise
without light, you grew
as the leech in my garden
fattened by my lifeblood
and robin unrelenting
hearts of their joy
cradles so innocent
yet, heron out
I’ll drown your toxicity
with torrents of forgiveness
there were four,
now three remain
lone spirits traipsing
out into the cold,
pale faces faintly
illuminated by a
quaint harvest moon
(untimely at best)
wind biting ankles,
pushing shadows down
the meandering path
memory of those
chilling last hours
why are you stopping?
heavy hearts, hands
furious in futile attempts
to infuse warmth into limbs
my dear mother, please
do not tether him to
this decaying body;
he has long since
You can call me Ella because i'm enchanted by you.
The way you are and the things that you do.
You never see anything you don't want to.
I wonder if you're enchanted too.
You can call me Ella because i'm cursed.
But the magic here is a spell that can't be reversed.
I'd like to ask my fairy god mother if she knows she gave me the worst.
I wonder if she knew with her gift my life would burst.
You can call me Ella because I live in a fairytale.
Waiting for my prince to come and love to prevail.
I wonder when my fairytale will fall.
Because there's no such thing after all.
Save me from the
place inside of me that Loathes my
help, it is pulling me
Dragging me deeper into to this
full of everything i hate. like
you, and me.
i hate You more than anything on the face of this planet, well
except for me.
i hate me hate me more than a mother hates the murderer of Her
this Calamitous pit inside me
like a Rabbit's hole i can
Never escape, no matter how i
scratch at the sides until my
there is a lot of blood
in this place.
It's the poison inside of me, the reason
why i breathe in short, wispy breaths. It's got to be
the answer. i've got to get the poison
i dig and dig.
dig, dig, dig, dig
and not once do i cry
i dig and dig. deeper
the Hot Malicious wine of my pain flows all around me and the world turns grey as my head begins to spin. i hear You. i know how much You hate me.
LEAVE ME ALONE GOD DAMMIT
the only colour i see now is the deep red of a rose as i clench my hands tighter around the thorns and then
The sound of my own breath
shocks me. i lay at the bottom of the bottomless cistern inside of my soul.
the air in my lungs hissing, as i lay there broken. Vulnerable.
in a pool of my own sorrow, thick and dark. You have left me
You were the only one i let into this place
You pushed me down. You killed me
please Someone help before the rasp in my chest completely fades.
The first thing I felt was the dryness of my overly-chapped lips. My back ached. I hadn’t slept on a real bed in days. Leroy had left my side since I last woke. I needed to eat. The pain from the hunger was becoming unbearable. Three days without food. Seventeen house since my last drink of water. Your watch is your best chance of survival.
“Maybe I’ll find a river today.” I sighed in hope
“It’ll probably be filled with sewage and dead fish like the last two.”
I had to keep reminding myself that this world is worse than it once was.
I’ve been torturing myself with the thoughts of suicide lately. Slitting Leroy’s throat so he isn’t left to fend for himself. I was Caught off guard by something grazing my leg. My shoulders relaxed when I saw it was only Leroy. The wet blood on his jowls suggests to me that he managed to hunt down a squirrel.
“You didn’t save any for me? Bastard.” I chuckled. I wish he could understand me. Something about the way he panted made it look like he was smiling at me. Maybe he could hear me.
I rubbed his neck, taking the time to admire all his individual fibers. I’ve always adored his calico coloring.
I got up. The sun was beating on my forehead. I needed a hat out hear. My watch read “December 18th, 2500. Oxygen content warning: LOW”
I remembered growing up with my mother saying how it snowed once when she was really little. She said it was only a few hundred years ago when this entire area of Canada was covered in snow. at least 20 feet of snow a year.
I never bought into her stories, though.
The sun is so hot. Mother talked about how there used to be people with pinkish skin. Pale even. That’s ridiculous. There’s a reason why everyone is dark. The sun bakes everyone.
I felt my stomach rumble. I need food.
My watch started beeping angrily, which is never a good thing. “OXYGEN DANGEROUSLY LOW” read on the screen
I shouted “Run Leroy!”
We started running, obviously Leroy easily pulling away, my feet pounding the pavement with every last breathe I had. The hard part is deciding where to run. You never know where the oxygen is. You could be running to more nitrogen and carbon. You could be running to your death.
In-fact, I think I was.
I was getting dizzy.
I couldn’t stay focused on running. I just wanted to lay down.
My foot landed on a large crack, and my foot rolled. I could feel my ankle snap.
In a daze, I managed to look down. The boon protruding from my skin.
I fell back. I started hyperventilating.
Leroy came back.
“Run, you stupid mutt!”
He wouldn’t. He just stayed there. He licked my ankle. If hurt so much but it had a pain that eventually became enjoyable.
He turned and started licking my face, trying to get me out of it. I could feel my heart feeling like it was about to erupt, all the while hearing Leroy’s pace of breathe begin to quicken.
Everything started going dark.
The last thing I saw was Leroy’s big brown eyes.
With the shadow of a man above him.