Caleb Reeves May 2014

Turn the corner
Hand tenses
Looking down the iron sights I see an object fall
"Tango down" I call over the radio
what was his name? Tango, Threat, Terrorist, doesn't matter.
Mud brick wall vaporized into dust
Keep going
Out of breathe
Keep going
Hand tenses
"Tango down"
Does it have kids? A Family? Threat eliminated
Round the corner
Hand tenses
"Three tangos on west building roof top"
Bullets from my brothers whiz by my helmet
Return fire
"Take Cover!"
Sweat drenched face fogs up my goggles
Brick pieces pummel my back
Ears ringing, faintly hearing
"Alpha down, Medic!"
Blurred vision, equilibrium thrown off
Raise my rifle
Hand tenses
Silhouette falls
"Medic!" heard faintly
Hand tenses
"Are you okay?" sounds distant
Hand tenses
"babe?" getting louder
Hand tenses

Hand tenses

Wake up
Sheets heavy with sweat
"Babe, are you ok?"
Throwing the blankets I jump back to the edge of the bed
Her frightened face
I've seen before
I look down
Hands tense
Same look, no tangos
No threats
Just Ghosts

Mydriasis Sep 2016

like know just time mind life feel world lost say we're things think love there's does people night away way thought got words long reality want better left make end eyes day man human dark experience remember really right death memory going place high good live city thoughts soul meaning great pain home sky believe shall change living oh fall light choice god consciousness existence years cause hard feeling thinking fear times 'cause dreams ask alive heart need past felt days dream sensation truth true use power knowledge wrong stars understand baby tell state thing face wave broken old you'll wave new broken nature you'll fuck mental look far ah drug moment best ago air lose sleep dare try leave beautiful blue born lives escape sublime doesn't body dawn friends waiting feels young daze game control perception gone story mean sun head given writing act difference reason poetry philosophy psyche little trying touch deep greatest wonder choose drugs exist we'll moments score hold play set run self forget coming hope word future dead wish burn music emotion rain stop gaze pleasure glass one's what's lies sense wake hit remain real work bad stay open brain art seek space present happy spent acid pill social we've they're half-light used land held gotta help lie path finally listen actually longing rave water cold seeking caught energy reflection information anymore venturous goes came red hide start truly hand evil divine subtle matter kind lonely yes told eternity keeps line black edge ego context dusk horizon gonna spiritual tripping dimension data die white kill seen means care getting saw places sure freedom looking hurt fool wind flow search chance la took broke existential summer content flowing belief praise empyrean empathy discovery chemical aeon couldn't who's turn forth bit question eye judgement pray passion sound personal worth memories sanity accept universe embrace lack knows free makes rise language decide consider temporal society gain wander conscious stuff religious comprehend particle psychedelic metaphysics you've entheon absurdia entactus maybe ready fate realize family meant return perfect learn miss spirit doubt rest loved minds health moving mortal bring expression sleeping cast lines purpose quiet known strange infinite king months madness haze depths ate party patterns oneself psychedelion inside guess crowd later silent clear soft breath hours hate dust forgotten arms drink fast year war longer close searching morning ashes calm beauty darkness different justice fell friend shadows knowing fine youth heavy standing sweet enjoy explain vain simple chasing hidden ends smoke gold heaven follow point person breaking necessary today relief action cool possible bass generation lying listening machine yeah substance hath engine forlorn problem subject intangible study effort quantum definitions dopamine psychedelics we'd sigma cybran apotheon isn't empathion clouds practice gave warm wanted stand poem wait storm met asleep course skies crime surely grow depression write loose fair ecstasy knew dreaming humanity waves share taken simply faith playing sands view fix winter afraid began wise welcome comprehension sought late big zero table says bliss changed repetition everybody blame unto maze understanding mr explore states ignore addiction venture define teenage american humans billion she's wasn't 'til sonder walk smile tonight speak dance skin blood breathe fears illuminate worse peace girl crave easily emotions feelings shit having force ways lets catch meet hair doors worlds hearts destroy heard walking near hurricane wisdom lights second suicide ignorance fresh waking sadness grand happiness appear rising scared save join adventure neon outside alike liberty particles wonderful compounds killed somebody grace merely closer company desert master twisted realm respect trance ridiculous sex exile pondering noble dangerous absurd nation progress culture contradiction perceive irish urban phenomena cyberspace scoreboard psi ain't you'd mydriasis entheogenesis damn ones taste throw watch painting room alas lay history spend apart sea staring poet fact cut smell happened admit river wasted brought leaves making answer sorry glow learned decided grasp breeze bed begin pretty floor lived sole sand cure awake sight tears barely kept running safe roam willing prefer mist heads asked prose wandering sounds imagine looked hour growing recognize soon falls mirror treat dirty brother climb hero problems granted digital proud changes birth quest age spring aware doing witness names amazed fucked despite takes condition intoxication level beginning worked pupils decision object insanity rhythm medium quality weather physical false process strife individual journey doth code effects abandoned channel judge notions moral swear experienced greater chain natural thunderous cleanse determine shivering hallowed plus reckon caused adolescence media superposition addict connection indigo ethics survived definition reasoning internet feedback vibrancy serotonin cyclone hacker sardonic surreality virtuality here's he's sunyata temporality junkie's empathos apotheotelos flash shining green forever anger carry son moon selfish written supposed feed ya quite loop hooked pure feet hole paper flag sick voice burning attention fly utter wicked tremble endless form infinity talking piece shores verse chest rules food placed plan hallelujah called gun fading drinking emotional measure inspiration suffering belong west read sly instead bear erase furious shame conclusion drunk roll fucking depressed calls taught died defined tire everyday answers sacred acknowledge speaks perfection games ground spoke stood motion sway keeping pretend hell movement magic park key spin kick sake jump hanging animal begins orange streetlights fade crazy honest warp puppet chained survive apathy chains claim prey science diamonds begging grip tale hang powerful wonderland heal dealing plant twice painful daylight mastery desires recall school conviction miracle yearn empyreal weekend actual court value chalk hurts humankind rabbit eggs potential offers temporary pupil atlas nostalgia serenity happens yearning ponder hypothesis worthy witnessed ideas azure tools alpha curiosity consume singularity typhoon revelation stimulant liberate application projection criminals communication throes fraternity enables actuality starshine ethos apotheosis sardonicism aren't mind's teleology empatheon entheos hear mydriatic transcendention fight tear ash minutes wanna taking nights forgot tales lest desire lust darkest single shine slow allow destruction money comes anxiety contemplate nostalgic offer continue happen ink brings brave created holding create thunder produce talk sail philosopher creating distant illuminating drive dancing ease wishing higher pass excuse figure essence angel hopes child ahead sigh using door vast loves awaits strong tornado ok sorrow immortal ghosts certain remains stained insane reached lot discovered plain poison streets killing ending tried session vs poor woke stare watching grass slick emptiness falling box painter series children virtues awareness clean rolling reach advice heavens rend half cherish bay started relax focus laughed ashamed fiend melody drop exhale void occurs beneath win chose robes thrall shield ended sons normal sunrise road forged onward burden actions unlike colors curious street observe chosen silence shades returns technology race vengeance swept bag civilization strive reconcile trouble cloud described replaced substances whilst finding euphoria dear chemistry events deal message eternal masses beliefs vision apparent honestly dr seeing idea domain soar books frames rule law pleasures eat dread bare blaze raise compassion kindness wandered objects expressed sin declare mistake smoking drum heavenly honor lands fountain renew happening aspect gotten issues divinity teach matters pills goal follows significant job romantic gazed envelope elements identity group sell foolish lucid dimensions brothers owe education november difficult recognition express properties glitter considering illusion appreciate discover resonance derived transcendental buzz notion risk scares riot rainy teaching drizzle direct experiences elation normality quote evolution versus lamplight method reflective endeavour cloth eats teenagers eventually haul club result relative breed threat subjective concerning solstice interpretations allows rational ultimately basis aligned numbness hypocrite charade morality dope chaser continuum undead exploits aeons research freeman appropriate ion junkie teachings dilation binge beatific intuitive transcendent escapism psychedelia metaphysical beta untitled mescaline otherworldly dreampt contextual experiential symbiosis codex dissociation cybernetic weren't life's let's mirror's well-being any-more entheogenic junkiedom signifiers mescalito zero-summing won't 'pataphysics window million pair logic alright whisper stone walls notice fun picture lips whispering dying wanting hands pull remained pieces poems built push house choices united turns blessed lucky drifted sane demons demon external slowly worst angels town needs needed drifting watched abyss crimson liquid arch planes add souls questions leads flicker thousand swallow note strings player despair offering realms drift caressing enter gentle closed bodies letter beat gorgeous indescribable smiling laughing probably pick grown shade precious shooting background yesterday woman ocean sober lead clothed ghost flows turned conscience alphabet contain spun luck atmosphere vagabond completely surprise rock creed drawn book autumn rays spinning bottle early regrets lake kids sad acceptance stuck melancholy formed slip draw clearly scars collapse del sit satisfied jungle realized bunch favourite laid fit breaks notes plans anyways spoken produced echoes den trees steps ugly cover explained glance stole gazing current raised travel scratch haunts played women apathetic conquest naught goodbye midnight asking passed waste loss fallen rapture absolute positive walked mistakes lately bound patience nurture fog stranger men wants prevent forfeit asks arose easy quick sing allowed prove pitch mad closest deeply tides praying root poets sentence pulse nightmare deem coffee commit golden insert mock innocent whispers offend low tea strength captured attack stories baseline joint innocence neural chemicals plains blanket dripping reflect blink concepts psychosis plucked tidal radiance roar bathed wonders thrown moves suffer unspoken exists glad shroud plunge scorn bane asunder enslaved harvest possibly fail allure drank danger unsaid veil gravity assume sum receive bloom reveal odd whispered likes news fractured wisely gathered seraphim intention wrought plane weeks mere haunting aspects ha distance hungry eternally swaying eden foretold breach advance pains balance design event forgive significance confidence error alter paying unreality cost chronology thoroughly resembles vivid steal poetic illegal understands maelstrom temples amidst perpetual lesson pathos behold reborn produces scale heaviness ascend talked weed forsake valuable andor relinquish dismiss usually kid nervous sort fierce disguise demands abandon encourage avoid minor relentless identify loneliness web alchemy cosmic rhyme coil suffered basking dropped standard spark mates hearth swore steam myth native wonderfully occasionally solace ventures determination galaxy opportunity justify political prophecy steadfast healthy forsaken chapter facebook worried ex struggle shatter gentleman including convinced profit comfortable twine deity responsible adrift sage fortune immortality theft damage examine deliverance ultimate immersion response access test physics magnitude occur member relation acts theme signal shivers mire coin planet anybody vicious nirvana pendent applause glimmering benediction consuming glint refrain renewal myths manifest nocturnal reflections limitations teenager naturally material matrix columbine giveth inseparable singular proving lifestyle coherence humane ideals starlight sincerely prudence underworld infamous perspective presented pretends excitation viewed regard enhanced zen reverence arcadia theory realization typing construct statement subjugated exploration vote hazy reaper scum streetlight artificial trespass definitive device exceed complex finality surreal petrol proposition inspiring totality originally recurring narcotic cometh juxtaposition reckoning represent inability proclamation syntax continuity nevermind avoidance irrelevant veracious arcadian commence rumination aesthetics ubiquitous nonetheless variable exploit experiencing underlying villain cola rictus ketamine corporeal electronic graciously input cannabis manifestation comprised socially proportionate insofar ethical hedonism junkies vicissitudes cognitive determining psychiatrist palindrome lucidity remix reduction dissociative reclamation detract aer enhancement intoxicants qualia world's shouldn't wouldn't other's nothing's man's summer's today's who'd everybody's y'all 'the all's t'was ethereality thought's drug's noumenon skystruck shroom alexithymia transhuman you- -the in-between self-sufficiency -one zed's 15 11 liminality immanence adrenergic symbionts sublimeoblivious medina's buckfast psychonautes determinative serotonergic psychedelos skyglow cyclica 5-ht2a noumena pharmahuasca jeans role proper loud aching grows concrete cruel strains conversation ill paint wet couple calling mouth kiss senses case keeper torn pause middle setting whats pulling bone reminds likely remind wrath karma reading sunlight prone bitch phrase enemy familiar levels careful source adolescent small straight driving courage rush flaw suppose starting deny stayed weary worship trust turbulent troubled letting absence leaving wearing college proclaim spirits gather ear lady hey garden boys winning alcohol pay foolishly banish song cross encounters plays belonging famous shift burst alice tunes hood flickers glimpse gleam fleeting grant ride deja vu anticipation spot switch boyfriend order faded wrapped definitely short fish beach clock older dusted block station anchor longest deserve passing mark awhile lovers muse ache island totally existing comfort pride phone greek apollo bleeding unknown psychic powder remembrance tree train helps painted gambling tide tired acting blow build apologies silver fabric especially suspense band cascade flawless heat hunger nearly numb bread bright minus wide looks differently dive beating veins settle turning couch holds saying impression suspension meaningless plastic rich pointless occupied brief tiger sticks stones mask cake bitter concentrate drown forbidden shell dry walks unless regardless moved type shirt lone burns songs negative momentary staying police swing unseen ability analysis worries determined dreamt sink hopelessly chances abuse palm week existed ignorant blind dice sheep agree joke spy spill odds immeasurable ass pushing wanderlust softly midst presents blade guided ripped round ball lovely rhythms beats cars glaze wash fates evening vein gloss juvenile sides faces graces month circular rung wheel rises permeates father supreme portal liked rip fades october sitting grin showing surrounded explored opened confused wall quietly deftly scene sighs lingering radio altered evaporated suns dreamed vibration important appetite exactly devil inhabiting brains ordinary beckons constant local organic soothing linger meditation moonlight lads height ethereal simplicity kinda cigarette suggest violence blew bombs arise trips predict surface guy movements grey car stepped large bank forward landed lied ancient purely crash direction inspired release warned melodic rhythmic telling mysticism blues riddle blur floating drama neck lover nerve poisonous glare factory wage character suburbia escaped gates suspended followed pierced hall marks ruled influence functioning contained losing stopping effect electronica relate fed temper facts dependent malleable convey bent delve horror wolves won lacking certainly fooled temple oblivious watches extension molecular random subtlety rem price sear covers truths judging stage frost conditions victory millennium realised confront trickster eve daughter defines awoke terror remembered required eating shadow cried proclaimed scattered sails spread contrary shout ship ships bloodless grim foul grapple spake boldly demand tyranny greed bowl fewer hollow birthday elect scar credit occasion chills masturbation alley thinks weird noise laughs mystical beloved composite lingers number serve lord capture darkened virtue clearer stem forces seasons list anew toss jim december louder english settled church tidings brackets doomsday bearing descending mistaken marble dared shone fare thrills morn hail bold beset activity superior western runners aging oil privacy discern universal destroyed opinions sighed strike provide seven weave occurred outta haunt tells majesty chorus performance lapping depth signify instability gains merit smart harm surpass forego ai stealing abroad sprouting mirthful groups dreamer lessons forest swooned moderate sobriety calendar lonesome ulterior struck heathen rooftops reminiscent bonfires expand prospect tribute lap equinox terrible aloud haunted buzzed revolution cunt guys approach questioning feeble flat submerged threshold cusp chaos communion conform pour absurdity engage plot tend ideal surge relaxed soaring someday tunnel accessible dollar teen movie command interesting continuing liking stops sociable cradle sooner gliding refuge understood attended account failure gift presume establish ensure according gradually rests option disbelief blaring bother earned dizziness text empire sunbeams canvas wholly nought insight tie conflict achieve defiance stew pretending afford harder bartender travels tribe remembering fantasy et growth magnificent forge gleaming dilated chanting randomly el cleansing stead revived fascinating agonizing badly confident addicted genuine hides unexplainable expect unequivocal reflected woven plead tranquil hah luxury righteous favor movies constructed conceive entirely devilish murder writings blossom bounce cynical addition awaiting attain castle artist insecure counts tramp introspection possess neurons excess aboard threatened married link continues trails believes strip tempting transcending atoms inevitable waded dizzy stimulating colorful wondrous ceremony rituals adapt momentum apply immerse revealed inhuman regress angst hesitate deface virtuous posts hangover portals replace omega contemplating author charity glistening solve turquoise compound owl firelight highest bustle consequence rages perceived albeit brimming endured brace artists debate specific recovery claiming incomplete taunting streetlamps deceive endlessly implore concept measured beings escaping arrives standards correctly addictive fantasize title luminous immersed accepted consigned depend bleached latin integrity torrent eventual details irrevocable thereof compelled meandering tempered titan euphoric darkens basic library refracted discuss chalice intuition fundamental repaired esteem display communism infatuated classy semblance velocity reflecting greetings derailed betrayal debauchery obsession spanish sipping inept paradigm loath forgo covet popular transition maintain covering choosing descent zephyrs insomnia arrested devise subtlest rapturous awash oxygen justly philosophies acquire universes anonymous critique labelled outcast expel criticism stalls aw perchance continuation messy mics statue phenomenon tennis adventurous questing vertigo limits total micro increased ropes unlimited progression major elysian glided harmonizing continuous provoke provides instilled sinful juxtaposed attachment clan grounds realisation chancer dived blared prophets prophet ace visual vent mesmerizing consistently unafraid overwhelming chaotic decides iris literally ecstatic supplied conditional thoughtlessness pursuit molecules imbued intend laptop ignoring pirates purchase interstellar fairness entropy cleansed motivation subconscious roaming fascination formation hypocrites assigned frequently prompts hades chronicle churning virtual moderation pleading incinerate fallacy teardrop faculty prompt beached insidious crystalline macbeth lyric requires ails dosage mechanism amends seethe tonic circuitry fortified starter closure represents disco quieter habits user diagnosis revelry tipsy dissonance scientist nocturne hyde applies sublimation manhattan aflame ingredients transcend dynamic acquiesce cruising hordes discoveries reside assert abused indecision deserving judgemental scripture expanse teens morpheus qualify apologize distract fraction conventional arising legion denotes laconic tweaking ersatz anarchy anthem distribution delta veneration olympus braces phantasms devote dub foray induce imply electrified axiom coping processed apocalypse hindsight chalking representation knowledgeable explorers recurrent valid responsibly atomic validity activities doses dealer didactic dosed fanatic tomes evaluate overdose commandments shaman funk sheepish simultaneously sociality banality generally adaptable aqua anachronism insignificance acknowledging advocate implants judgments shag unendingly surfing manifesto strictly theatrics inherent blankly analyse dio deified regression scarcity network psychological philanthropy applications stereo molecule exhortation suppression socialite necessarily immutable anesthesia duality demigods valued ruminating spirituality jekyll jive dey technological commodity debutante indoctrination ontology acceleration accuracy sentience immanent dopaminergic yokes prudently megaphone surfacing axioms subsided enthralls satellite vilify comedown directive stimulants amphetamine logos mechanisms personas itches carpark undercurrents processing columbian reoccurring binary eidetic reciprocity choler montauk phenomenological mu sourced ergo gamma chopper quale millisecond info macro glutamate belay sedates intoned posited perceptual redefine parentheses ingestion lovelessness morphs rey ect perceptive condensate subconsciousness oxytocin physiological schema disassociation lachrymose pleasurably wuz mah encapsulate psychoactive adj cyborg omelette unedited ataraxia epsilon revelatory pituitary hallucinogens augmentation theta riposte imperatives fuego psychonauts dynamical recursive foreseeable definity recursion groggily pariahs everything's others' haven't tomorrow's another's they'll it'll 'n that'll they'd writer's god's 'twas ego's o' inapplicable midsummer's dawn's chasin' tellin' stars' memory's lucy's human's runner's pandora's lambda recreationally quantized minds' be' poetry's feel's lana t'is worlds' psychonaut bandwidth praxis signifier self-esteem dance-floor twenty-something in- some- con- half-life self-loathing like-minded split-second drugged-up h-bomb non-judgemental storm-clouds think-tank choose- four-twenty 20 14 17 2014 come-down church-bells pepsi-cola tryptamine tryp unequalibrium ghb belays shamanic eyecon -last orxon twenty-fourseven multi-story inner-demon signification chems fps video-games deadpoint mdmazing beach-side indefinity miosis vocality nightfallen constructivism zedd spheres' skags sky-deep tryptamines ego-death katabasis biofeedback limit's cyberdelia sensationexperience data-addict menoeceus gamma-hydroxybutyric inhibitus intracommuneon nmda glutamatergic empathogenic m-verse cathinone superspace supertime plusminus sondrous immanension voice-in-my-head death-stroke cyberdelic absudia in-itself escapism's othrys theoxeny shulgin's mirror-neurons 'ra endorphus data-whore onlineout reductionis henotheistic pihkala tihkalthe actu-ally usedcontinue 'scoreboard' mequestionmark insignificable vanquishpreserve subject-object pandoran droplets comforting yo traumas deus shut hello pounding seconds fated nice hot flesh gets thirst enticing caress craving feverishly tongue extra tangled rope moons seat manner secret fascinated shattered kisses battered equation victim fragmented facing dawns battle star disdain lungs impossible grab horns stands button imposed politics mystery country america plenty sees pandora weak thank desiring lamp passage longed kissed count blessings compass missed disappeared attitude winds string itch internally messing hurting hiding importance desk favour renewed denied unable mild epiphany hum sharp tune mixed blades laugh younger burned messages futile saved seeds changing shape flew armed blown facial fixture vocabulary tore remorse feast class learning joy core style able spell wondering afterlife repeat record trembling showed girls lined smooth mountain map entire exception unlearn renaissance corners precedence writer vague destroying grains parallel designed queen teaches ought fuse bringing faint crows creep surround intent looming promise restless legs gently begs emerge mood sign east slanted drew flowed wrote imagination exotic untouchable atom beaches mold physically reflects hits complexion warmth bigger undoubtedly mathematically illness mate borrowed candy flame tapped resisted boy punk proof terms wear roots relationship cats dogs dog consciously sat upper patiently eager knock underneath immense resist quintessential mother stakes governments working laws clueless storms wars protection shed swell fearless ripe dwell farce abide glory reasons phoenix ring traces smells aura afternoon fully brick wild sinking afloat step clutching shelter bones trade finds delicate possession gamble fury knees tomorrow highs blows passions wine special catalyst shaped sphere product cynicism alchemist trapped downfall wax daily nightly dies blossoms intertwine silk beware original peeling sealed secrets dull willingly internal misery awful forced mission leaf forgetting noon creation impatient waters forms inner aloft afar astray thread shoulders runs dreads honesty page filled anguish field dried sleepless tall stupid rushing expected shallow childhood intertwined intricate ran stopped strangers pulled farther rings rejection stomach led safety mention gives stumble compared reply characteristics throat proven hunt eaten fake entwined doom considered grapes rainbow apple intoxicated belongs sunday skins cup color learns refuse cards writes renders unjust sins seize remnant indifference attend sent guide translation threw beaten stream burnt tar minted countless tracks encased metal location phase comrades basked adjust critical position recognise serves aside decipher failing answered twas rivers passionate morrow smashed shoes shake symbols mores cheap trace lazy circles cease cheat defeats redemption easier que nota se parents dumb idiot stays expense forehead mighty sweat imagining quotes shock following gasped relish slipped worry alien host appeared trip dancefloor wrap speed sunset legend dress crumbles deaths highway hunting washed coat float lifeless shines overcast foreboding desirable secure expansion edges sung points connected tender competition intelligence admittedly speech pockets cook skate common delinquency pavement failed fills bullets evidence listened scales seed eyed monster pointed eons period tattooed drums clothes refused fruitless knocks stains colder vitality enjoyed barren match slight tremor collapsed board beckoning selves roads droves urge final tick stick deepest beast fighting slumber sets monsters figures terrified gushing floats examining support unattended goodness bits snow images drones electric organ fracture solution magical creature gained shave gleamed narrow reckless scent unfold unmade sheets interrupt hint gate laced observing north fields served pictures mysterious mister screen strands ember eddies underground press juncture sounding craft useless slept plug counting foolishness dmt commonly fucks ad caresses washing planning carefully deliberately wit thirty advantage glowing wolf continued reader carnal drenched darkly wondrously starts pushes contents business flies companions sweetness pine wishes destiny echo suburban vapors visit wipe shapes stubborn flight candle romance doubled decisions crimes track quivering echos cracked morals vodka locked truthful deepening removed surrounds tobacco boundaries soaked reliable dinner defeat slave skyline pleases groove blitz hooded paradox footsteps disappear weightless task melted skull certainty harmony seemingly vital pharma lightning cranial exterior absorb backs admission managed arrive meat complain beer betting monday horses shocking rare numbers synonymous exclamation complete accord hunter sheer sport emptied consideration tower signals labelling consumes chap smith unending contact fiction shows paintings denial hopeful warped transmitted bleed drops split whomever soldiers vacuum confusion knife sweetest stared lit vanished pack branch insecurities menacing cathedral roof trick prepared demonic deter shoulder instantly creatures ceiling unsure nexus immediate tuned traffic mode thompson permeate cityscape bought card intense bye drought struggling ties containing papers bottled lamps diary tombstone fucker approached offered fought mankind shiver fancy alight nonsense hardly pity ragged conceal rooms technique filth tank ignored furnace deadly wondered stripped sailing breathed harmonious bars onset revel feasting intervals desired utmost discontent envy treasure fiery rent luxurious seldom swim openly roaring reared bark aloof leap awe incredible nigh prayer lo lighted abhorred net wailing ceased bat dour braver concession weaker scope jesus bud sap royal finished stalking steak glanced cautious raven perched unheard mast draws waited stronger swift halcyon purple measuring shimmers supper hospital brazen cotton adding timeless drained embracing ravish lays tempted consummation suicides simplistic recover parts sparrow guitar named wits kicked helped carnival festivities opulent june stately delight wilderness sleek casts heroic square impulse dungeon limbs beginnings constrain gown bough hoard charms dropping causing prize reveals violet weakness dissolving knocked grandfather minutely ringing tribes ambitious animals colour cigarettes wading irreligious cups brandy bet rum bulk floated trolls cherry weep solemn chilling compare ailment untold industry service shepherds lowly glorious prince fame majestic guilt fiends rends bleak adore active mead quickening mirth darling utterly bending meanings invisible decades arrogance paradise bestows layer involves stance victor heed bounty consecrated touching troubles instinct lifelessness yonder seriously bled equality shunned individuals disgust scare associated en heroes conduct angelic illuminated respond chase climbing lofty unreal intensity heading affected rag doll regret parent unhappy rejecting sings passersby parched darkling happily success finish inhale predominant compel date thine godlike aid heights depart kings sinister desecrate adventurers trivial sold savour summon quarter prime charter fullness forgiven malicious fecund diamond friendless delivering protects embellish bene instrument fourth likeness promised wasting jumping oceans autonomy aftershave merciful wight glen rivulet gathering fruits lingered shivered clouded pan proudly planted pondered fled gust cork connoisseur palms base banter insatiable assorted cocaine flip motives awesome gander humble starving sallow thousands inspire stilled explaining seeks archaic closing reminded shard cloak celestial hue regain serene vapours secures farewell oracle cares possessed defend raging retreat sith betrayed wrongs ditty homely undone howl sidelines throws glide rarely emerald beryl breeding immersing twinkling charles masterpiece corruption fuel drains sarcastic symbolism permanent works literature vista sip double oncoming satisfaction fixed raving candles ebbing motionless barriers terrifying lasts copied illusions boundless venerable branches summit continual solitary deemed retire unchained meditate solemnly blissful rebirth fulfill haste descend coal meals mortality systems vice vanity expanding felicity heir severe phantom dearest fuzzy passerby drawing languages mess chimney mum pies ascended pinch reap casting tastes broadcast crowds treading rustle bus halt pinched linked planned danced soared sways misunderstand vaulted boring degree involved distinction reverent volumes melancholic clairvoyant contradictory shrug worldwide champion principle parade spheres guessed pubs proceed pub delivery clip roman poker previous noticed general scholar junction doctor eighteen fourteen disagree driven entertain carrying birthright evermore fleet religion jealous seal forbid radiant aye exercise kindly delicious resolving kindled based currency attempt gratitude pertain vulnerable eclipse binds pronounced colours ramble constraint suspect unwilling selection contradict bodily grime cleaning select dose crucial sincerity canal rebuke subjugating nicely bridges generations suit entry genius dragon assessment daring kingdom bewildered sentences exiles cycles actors transforms hoop alteration unbroken pretext unnamed rolled guests union clouding galaxies chthonic accepts floods democracy lends modern literary elemental bends bothers permanently complaining formula sacrament ceases demanded thief responsibility peak fascinate suffocating dwells swung indignant wholesome ponders experiment sliver independent services rendered traditions knowno guidance bask suspicion pushed weapon condemned oath obsessive mindset reverse cliche evoked brewing doubts adoration gesture gestured vine tv claimed sucked flipped firmly jolt asset remark charcoal pathway circuit nova greatness cheers mob exhaustion thirteen harsh believing footfall subjects tolerated layers tremulous glimmered recollection decent strengthen kerosene valley slyly beige yawning describing pattern politely astride thumbs quit regularly balloon developed concerns elicit intimate encounter surpassed sensuality freeze sup soup succeed incredibly constantly ignite comforts omnipresent highly brushes strayed destined absolutely capable unnecessary uncover starry teachers seams needle guards enjoyment musing react mists tome learnt contrast tool witch atop lurks pipe amazement static tendencies percy lyrical treats fathoms possessions restrain trusted pissed favors shifts tsunami metaphor happiest released inclined unravel delusion afire remedy malady screams jar residing difficulty descriptive term schooled howling roved rooted prosper battery opinionated ceremonious lacked varying government origin themes concern enchantment volume blasted composed fondly duty ponderous hungered leaks defining declaration principles jealousy warrant ablaze converse tendency disregard binding abstract pathways enfolded gang humbling harness sow results producing collect tuning reload saving appearance gentlemen torches magnificence circled mimic cherished microscope performed synapses conquer extended verb sentimental falter excitement regulate sprawling peoples habit prescription vehicle massive sickening tile fulfilled clutch generates nerves unite merge spectrum healing drummer ceaseless occupy concealed wallow personally compose hears strawberry resides againand inhibition endowed devotion glides captain ordered expectations rears conclude tavern chilled cave blazed ruins worldly outshine dusky gracefully erased questioned wither reminder officer stamped discord dissection participate discussion chant wanders chants sending statues shadowy looms discomfort sunbeam commotion fragments warrior precipitated zenith vaporous headache possessing lethe sensations privilege descended crept forevermore suits persons denizens motions complicated audience recorded predetermined bloomed tempo digress muttered cuisine supped tested boon prolonged dilemma inbetween continually misconceive venice instance tinted famine extraordinary galore refined centre example aghast amaze aka earlier yawn contains tao buddha contemplation revealing eclipsed epic fluff various central patriotic disguised unlucky crap unready rome seventeen occurring strikes frequencies malachite army villains fluid screwed apology perform glimmers introduce rekindled rocked errands wane unwritten threats judges athletic mastered astonished miraculous bittersweet partial withering absently casually collapsing smog sinners fleeing deliberate enamoured skim description depressing brightens convictions fuelled turmoil particular potency permit related hardened sickened elevated crass mug survival orbs kinds vines coke distraction soiled unbeknownst partake expecting dye confined spins unfurl melodies quench italian quenched autumnal unbound consumed abandoning rapt desolation hounds prelude portion sustains transformed sale favorites advent ireland preaching luxuries furthermore regime verbal assassin british hungrily slaves immobile smarter yearned prowling prominent stupor scythe conscientious magnified tasks estranged evoking apparition sec ageing molded downtown glimpses dreaded reject qualities advancing evolve tarry inherited majority testing scandal pyre eruption cosmos mushroom slander gap adults physicality secondary interface companionship shrouded disturbed aches misdirection bubbles tad affect disparity thrill oasis twined secrecy visionary gomorrah palpable dims grants discourse judged rove tequila hewn imaginary possibilities conception forming mortals diversity discrimination sundown milling raver fusion coupled feeding pave wastes exempt paltry accompanying dreamers interfering multiplied precede estates trove entitlement precession nowadays manage alternate medicinal pilgrimage champions cerulean transformation una abides tryst memorable impotent wills endeared employ fray immediately property offense loser zealous reduce engaged rotation clans aural complaint ensnaring argument practical trial marijuana national nearing auto rebel stalked enlightenment nous seer huddled birthed overture armageddon brotherhood optimism tasteless propaganda bullshit yawned fateful thickly excel balanced venomous yacht untimely represented lethargy precipitation observation tour faculties tincture purify strangest overbearing junior contradictions wayward unattainable hallucination tatters rhetoric seated orchid devoted avoided refine illustrious elaborate chariot disrupts sensitive dramatis crisis efforts endeavours depressants aliens cops balcony shear adult intact destination deprived blemish chi brahma snatch damm evils groggy zeus unyielding citizens bored selfless devilry behaviour typical fault benefit sprawled undeterred unison separates similar instincts abandonment sagacious confronted fluorescent corpulent sibling masquerade sacrificial disturbing liberated radiates rider americans consequences communicate fundamentally ideology functions lotion carrier delete emma patriots assumes physician condemn commend delirium profile compulsion reassured friday cheaper contest unraveling secretive obsessing training counter endures invoke vintage fickle sprites twitched refreshed rafters irresistible french solemnity spindle savant prank legendary vitamins factors expanses stasis chronos genetic gawky rankle weakens equilibrium climactic pinnacle scientific easel dammed dessert revelations subsequent beautifully teacup pauses provoking comedy mercenary recesses vengeful sensing rumours terrify toke unsatisfied falsehood revere philosophers imagery reference recent ventured ledge parasite straits substantial horsemen implement pulp jested serpentine traced blizzard populated findings vowed trek dialectic fractal hubris flux refute clients mathematical prowl acquaintance hack rook ahoy stitched punishments bygone area relieves rudely spiderweb republic kneeling corpus tangible solo caution unknowing prom woken plaything achieved erosion ditched dispensed opinion twining decreed undying reel rayed gallop sapience experiments chore mace portrayed romeo overthrow coined sifting scrawled lifeline discourage unimportant erupt forthcoming crossbones testimony ambitions asian billions injustice congregation freak nonsensical climaxing rouge relent conversing incarnate marvels uncommon assure chink subsist contingent stifle maggot seraphic replacing dat dem aight vibrant agreed paranoia detailed sixth fore aimlessly fruition petulant quelled orion correspondent acumen cases benches enfolds import blackberry thirties advised constitute participation powered incandescence heroin greatly timing throbbing effervescent underway justifies organism guarantees stun astound prior unpredictable unreliable syncopated willfully tiles kite incandescent vapor warmer celebrating sensory garage antics league twenties rogue pint chip holographic representations primordial stranded understatement arranging obtuse spasmodic extremely motherfucker interpret emerged envelopes releasing embarrassing deceiver atheist intersection ironic nationality consists subtly preserve manipulation havoc dauntless twinge oftentimes tailed haven unbeknown expert connects tying nape diaspora resists resonate seep damnation swearing capacity promenade marched loops routes sexual eleanor unburdened cocktail educational unmistakably observed clarification advertising sham multiply homeland lackluster furies compassionate ambience barista accompanied brothels homecoming transitions perceptions integrate submit eases unleashed godly suitable impossibility inertia deals symbiotic tristeza pasa motorcycle pepsi tolerant agora unevenly indulge declaring overall sentient unfeeling enticed spellbound distribute corporate available predictable messed scorned distorted avenge golf embodies recreate impressions poseidon runaway effervescence daydream filtering handles weekends baked academic degrades fondest drunkenly ms furiously narratives glorify foster peaking flitted wizened likewise irreverence improved stated coalesced befalls successive sublimed preference aspires diminish irregular digestion omnipotent omniscient vulgarity presuming essentially lurking congenial deduce tolerance constitutes attacking reclaims levity lieu perpetuity representing churns dealers trippy routines transfixed unprepared fiesta troll conjurer removal contribute deterred hostage lurk indefinitely dominate envisioned grimaced numbing biblical perfectionist stoner amusement roy intuitions interior procession abuzz scintillating crusading derision emanate readily seventh racket exclaimed celtic allay forbidding magician usage ensnared revels spruce liveliness ridicule composure chats theories fuels objective framework swirls dementia hustle meditative generated playground idiom prosperity linear easing breached criminal outrageous alienation pros cons foundry checkered examination stalker campfire consumerism ownership buddhist patronize presentation exceptions minding joker chile dionysus efficient entity anticipating enhance industrial idolatry melatonin sandbox modify harmonic grunge librarians kansas caffeine rationale skimming simplify remiss conducted phobia repetitive propose gushed psychology genre wellbeing tempestuous perihelion floodgates tactile coordinates distinguishing irrepressible conflagration hallucinating unforgettable propelled indulgence intents esoteric optional slang patriot agenda contrasts verbose dens reminisce cultures playthings rewards entirety dutifully trials scoundrel resonating therapy obligated implicit rationalize migrants fearsome fondness vertical paranoid synthesis amble discerning regained backlit togetherness voluble baggage additional inverse dominated nicotine toxic pelo guidelines tethered mediator replaces salubrious noxious gaseous punctured ornate randomness nonchalance profession premise invisibly cowl heralds sickle infernal altercation viscosity hydrogen owed eddie arsenic haywire empathetic billowed preferably resonated variation thorough exaltation impious bandits delphi deadening distilling heedlessly tartarus housing mitigation cravings opposition overshadows honeymoon prophetic uninspired entanglement nemesis monitor sanguine tracksuits boldest aspired conceit maudlin delved reform arbiter regale enlightened fatigued eras libel supposedly architecture condone maintained interchanging acute accurately stoke maenads tyme transcendence equates adorable thieving orbits analogue solving rumbles plausibly transmission narcotics bettered subscribe caucasian mecca emergency resplendent craziness twat wu unthinking postmodern vernal unfelt provoked association socrates radiation consign conduits displacement appreciable bulletproof expedition locusts hoods informed dispute nope psychobabble itthis mystique oppressive misguided attitudes mammoth facilitate idiosyncrasies consumer abstraction bypass bequeathing leakage misunderstanding omens interminable querulous immortalizing mindlessly braved procrastination phat unfazed incoming photographic somnolence communed powdered strident confrontation archangel supplement burying misinterpreted adequate wireless irreverent finery astral reconfigured trenchant pumped crownless gratuitous rethinking whichever premises apex governs unaccepted sophist smokestack stellar natives traipse elective signifies pursuits doping calculate endorse pi appealed gawd disrupted fifteenth terrorists ongoing grappling bothering assures reliving innate oracular vat becometh whosoever bukowski projecting vividly committing orator toyed abstain prevailed distaste illicit deliberation storytellers rhymed histrionic disgraced philosophize scythes arcane inducing bias impiety impede cycling cohere clarifying carl capitalism scripts hometown incantations amnesia noun illuminations resurrect oppressor thea 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alexithymoswithout-words-for-emotion without-speech thumos 'empatheia' pocita tiocfaidh resession awayemigrate zenlightenment two-thousand-and-sixteen end-arylcyclohexylamineanachrono-choline motion-cathinonemomentum-amphetamine feel-methylenedioxy gt05hz 12-14hz k-complex thalamocortical unproven100-200hz unknownlt200hz 9-1275-125hz movementum hallows-even oraculate aetherius wave-particle 2o16 conscious-beings cyber-immersion eternityinfinity ek-stasis depressionsoul oneirogenesis night-afore-night agofor time-intime-out data-whores vain-glorious change/escapism exemplī phenanthrenes dendrobium orchid-fueled 48-trimethoxyphenanthrene-25-diol weækend qai 'heavy realm' machine/dreamer bog-standard immemory pattern-recognition biocomputers substance/energy/entropy druglust 'pataphysics' -alogy dreamstuff grantedness reduction-epochéis eternal/infinite mental/psychological/behavioral physical/biological/neurochemical subjective/trigger/response or/dimensions for/towards 4-hydroxy imperially-brutish restewn kristijan 137990021 virtuality's posthuman time-signature apotheosize drugs/religion g-town/city sure/retracted degree/it in-so-far listener of-my-lifein-so-far afterglow aftershock afterward 'curve' 'ascent' archactualis 'descent' liminalis telossecularis 'threshold' surrealis plateau/peaking genesis/realis onset-of-effect altered-state-of-consciousness prototypical-state-of-consciousness aay'han judgement/assimilation/integration sesh-heads psychétherapy blue-pills μfiction holistic-consciousness ωhom nawh culture/communitas object/belief reconsideration/resignification non-renewables 'anthropocene' madgod so-christened 'afore -solve seek/seeth dreamer/speaker psychaé sunstuff earthdust w0rd5 again let strings faculties/ability distinguish/differentiate ha-ha-ha-ha-haa great/teleology psilocybran replace/become object/subject coheres/reconciles ership myotic disinspiration referents age/deity trauma/psychic terrorista v0idśūnyatān aby5s mi-lord semideus remeasuring all-too-perfectly sessioning explicative only/always virtuous/viceful sodium-stained baseline's neuromodulation ālūcinor

Composed on 00:53, 21/09/2016 using Hello Poetry's 'Words' algorithm. We don't assume this means something.
WS Warner Nov 2013

Part One
Nascent Craving

The insular heart unsealed; pearled eyes
Breach parapets of stone— periled shield,
The sweetest kill—
A threatening wonder and irrefragable synergy,
Nervous routes of cognition  
In this nascent, amorous craving.
Locked and abased,
Dissonance lends pathos — euphoric and onerous,
Disconsolate cries curb sublimation,
The regnant bleed diffusing — fervid lust
Fondled, tactile surfaces in throbbing anticipation.

Sullen, aft a veil of laughter,
Visceral aftermath, out of
The ardent ash,
Burns a thirst;
Insuperable numbness and ache.
Efflorescent intimacy,
Table for two
Enraptured in new alliance,
Élan vital (psyche);
Urgent dialect petitions
Equivocation, jocularity blending
Provocation with indecision,
Noted lilt of descending inhibition.

Adrift, the incessant Now;
As occasion inexorably diminished;
Resonant simpatico tending,
Numinous amity;
Heard conversant, cognitive idioms—
Lassitude, time-eaten pangs of the unhinged heart,
Wounds axiomatic,
In disquieting synergy,
Nibbling, the circumference—
Misery’s permeating truth;
None immune, all trundle incongruously past,
Facing intrepid savages.

Licitly felt, reverberations of Amor
Whence the heart behaves;
Measured cadence, pulse elevating—
Treasured lover, contemplative muse;
Undulating clasp, inflated bone of absence;
Incarnation — a woman,
Beyond prosaic;
Ineffable adoration pours in certitudes of verse,
Elenita, enclothed —virtue unvarnished;
Reservoir intrinsic, poised advocate of the innocent:
The crooked lines of insolence,
Brazen culture of neglected youth.
Perceptive blue stare, sensitized tears—
Plaintively, evincing her injustice ago.

Part Two
Tendered Senses

Siren silence, eruptive blush, ampler between phrases
In dulcet tones — stirring discourse;
Foments rebellion, the strife beneath— his loin,
Out of its vast reserve,
Penetrate the narrowed ambit, vaguely announced.
Groping hands, migrating the sensual member
Stern faces grimacing— mirror in abrasion,
Under the blind surf of consent;
Burrowing ambiguity, emerging torsion,
Plunge, enlisted and content in the sea;
Subsumed in the nonverbal cue,
Persuasion’s plea,
Quelled in the post cerebral assent.

Piercing eyes parallel crystalline waters of Lake Tahoe.

An untouched portion of his awareness remains aloof,
Palpable in the subsequential quiet,
Obsequious and febrile, they sinned on sofas;
Peregrine predilections quenched and viscid—
Serenely requited, the room breathes her presence,
Limp, figures orgasmic, mantled in adolescent torpor.

Erudition in bloom, trust undoubted,
Illuminating, satiating; tempest calm—
Under canvas
Terrain soaked and sodden,
Postliminary — rains of invalidation.
Allowance and permission
Recalibrate, salivate, shortly only—
Initiate, obliged consecration, appraising
Curvatures of the spine,
Stuns him obeisant, her femenine pulchritude,
Propinquity inciting vigor,
Emergent allure, the updriven
Tower of wood sprung from the blanket.

Suffused in ether, purring streams of remembrance
Vaginal honeyed dew, sung into
Orchids, remnants of remember;
Drenched down the cynosure of devotion;
Succulent view, diaphanous pantied bottom;
Halcyon mist, saporous wine — compliance of the will,
Freed fires wander,
Pliable rind, twin plums dripping,
Abject confession, dispatching doubt
In tendered senses,
Pivotal tree, lavender Jacaranda holds the key,
Unfurled, cindered vulnerability.

Half-denuded skin invites confessional savor
Acutely bubbled rear, fleshly furnished denim;
Sultry visit, San Ramon Valley in the fall,
Strewed limbs splendid, flowing filmy;
Imagination yields—
Bursting silk congealed
Across deft thighs, ambrosial thong draping ankles,
Grazing ascension, the curvaceous trajectory
Nose inflamed with fragrance,
Inhaling, climb of acquiescence,
The facial weal, amid the globed fruit,
Focal intention — ploughed lance thrusting,
Absconding, the ancillary perfume of essence.

Perceiving avid validation,
Swimmingly, amid the monstrous gaze.
Humid skies simper dank, set swell the incense of Eros,
Surge of poetry engorged
The flame levened shaft,
Nimble breasts flounce, spill the harboring mouth;
Moist hands merging, unfettered,
Weave in supplication,
Vicinity voicing, enmeshed diversion;
Supple and spherical behind
Posterior arch, milky-skin against the lip—
Ripeness jostling their complacency;
Lapped the mooring, ridden decisively;
Recapitulating— spumed forth, bellied over hips warmth.
Abandon the dirge of self-pity
Late under ego’s trance.
Part Three
Present Tenses

Tempting trespass across sacred gardens,
Flowering, scandal set luminous: attachment—
Consensual, their corresponsive fear;
Protean manifestations— evocative, perpetual
Unutterable contention in a fictive resolve,
Deliberating the merits of their widely disparate tastes in coffee,
Amorously touring wine, let’s drowse through the gnarled vine.
Sundry deficiencies pale, once contrasted;
The beatific vision—
Material substance unaccompanied,
Imperceptible, tear-streamed cheeks in synch,
Ventral kiss, peak of carnal perfection,
Reminiscence— flesh violent with Love.

Fiction knew to meander the innominate rift,
A tincture of irony soften misdeeds
Immense as the sea.
Insolvent beast stippled with sapience—
Unmasked, the fabric of delusion;
Dependence smothering the disciplined heart
Resentment put up for release.

Waste of residual years
Fate’s apportion, scars bleakly observed;
Chastened by heartache, engulfing fervor
Too faint to recapture.
Vague glimpses dry—
Hypervigilant his defenses,
Veritable suspensions, embers lit linger;
Slender walls of solidity, the horizoned self,
Faith and reason in concert — stone levels of elucidation.

Fractured bones of distance, emanate a rigid salience,
Another ponderous night of absence—
Lingering, cauldron of dearth as indifference ushers,
The quotidian coil of contrition.
Tearful pallor, sequestered —ciphering time and solitude;
The unkissed mouth, his restive brow;
Suspend in the approximate span.
After Lucid alliterations are spoken
Devoid of her face, his lover’s nudge—
The man nurtures his hurt.

Anxious as seldom unscarred,  
Venus’s susurrations,
In present tenses,
Kissed by her serenades of integration—
Notwithstanding metaphysic intrusion,
No chain stays unbroken,
Postponed drifts of deferment left unspoken,
Reverberations of amor.

© 2013 W. S. Warner

To Eileen
Katy Laurel Jan 2013

There are many moments in life when tenses collide.
Ones you felt carried a
certain suspension separate
from any other emotion.

But here you are.

The gravities have hit head on
and danced into an embrace of blinding light
and you have poorly handled defeat.
Claiming care and emotion where it is never planned.

Learn control over that desire to understand.
Humans do not need to actually understand
but simply have motivation
to care about the small puzzle pieces
that compose the whole of this
mad, mad clock machine,
gliding through something we observe as
space, nothingness, holiness, magnificence, terror-
All that we attribute to
something named god
high above our clouded atmosphere.


But here i am.

Something separate,
but whole,
but a part, and dancing two dances.
Flung between two rhythms
too unalike
to exist
within the same night.

But I force them.
I space out an afternoon or a day, but ultimately I bring the two pulses into my arms and scatter my identity among the veins pumping lustful confusions and the brain filling up with failures that overshadow the motion of the last decade.

the broken fragments attract the healers and the hungry.


Let them howl lustfully at your moonlit window.
Lock yourself inside your head and convince yourself that they have taught you all you need.
You have always been a lover
of the losers, the vampires, the beautiful demons of lilith.
They make your blood pump with laughter.

Here you are.
The moon fills such cold nights
and you abide by her hymns.
But you always end up with some fucking hope,
useless fucking hope,
that will never aid your illuminated comfort.


His long home of bones hold you
and slip small moans into your golden spirals.
you reach ecstasy,
but instead of immortality,
you just feel smaller,
and more in time with death herself.

The knowledge that he no longer needs to claim your bones.

You are a glittering pendant
among tomorrow mornings garbage.
Too soon has the sun touched your totality
and given it
to other thirsty pupils.
You are a book that has already been read.
You are the instruction manual
learned too early to be made sacred.
You are merely an example of comfort,
false hope.


I begin to hate the teeth within his smile.
Yellow smoked ivory pierces my mind with failure.
What exactly are you looking for?
What is it you need to surpass?
The embarrassment of something you had no control over.
Well, maybe you are confused by your own reaction to the situation.
Your anger.
Your misplaced desire.
Your frustration with his thoughts.
Your carelessness to understand.
Maybe placing myself in the second person will help me come to terms with my evil.


And this is also the part where you,
the actual second person,
attempts to fill the spaces I once fit into.

how easily nothingness,
can be filled
with only itself,
yet give off the illusion of golden substance.

So many alluring souls to put
in your mind.
your heart.
your puzzle piece.
So, instead you resort to the comfort of loneliness.
I wish you did not take on my vices so.
But here she is.
Glimmering with the constellations of late summer and a white smile that is filled with bones of travelers who lost themselves to the lonely wild.


You suck in your smoke,
another habit I painted upon your innocence.
The nicotine makes you feel as if all this play acting is alright.
You say your part,
You use your prop,
You make the audience laugh at your vulnerability.
Shakespeare could never paint you as such a fake.

But these tenses do not collide.

You leave Ferdinand behind on the island.
Miranda has drowned herself in the surf where she first saw your ship.
She can no longer beg the gods to dismiss their nature upon your journey.
Play your new part.
Defiantly sing right back at the sirens.
Claim your knowledge with loud confidence.

I will slip into the alley way,
let your bright comedic play continue.
I will not drag down the unnatural lights,
I will not set fire to the platform you find yourself laughing on,
I will not interrupt your monologues with my sad songs of history.

I will lightly applaud your hungry smile
and be gone with the night air.  
I will sip my wine and weed
and laugh at the girl’s voice traveling over the buildings of our lives.
The girl you’ve hired to play my part and sing my poetry.
She’s beautiful enough to let the audience
float above history books.

I slash my face with pleasure.
The mask of indifference covers my hideous scars.
I will never be known as the sweet girl who kissed you behind the curtains.

I am now the agitated wolf
who miserably howls
with the moon's sonnet for the sun.


If you step off your stage
and eventually smell the forest of our past.
maybe you’ll find me there,
nibbling on lost our maps.

You’ll remember how to wrap your bones
around my nervousness
and sink your soft words upon my fangs.

Maybe this will work,
Maybe I'll never turn back into the sweet wise child I was.
Maybe I am meant
to see all in the
eye of the wolf.

Mydriasis Feb 27

like know just time mind feel life world say people things lost we're does love think there's away long way thought night got words want better day human left right remember man dark end reality memory experience going make really eyes place 'cause good death tell great feeling soul home high consciousness live pain thoughts fear understand fall thing city sky believe god meaning thinking lose change oh felt hard ask heart times years shall need past light living existence choice use dreams power days cause poetry talking state we'll alive knowledge fuck true moment little hope old wrong mental stars wave ago gone broken look brain dream far given truth feels head you'll best sensation baby try leave forget young sleep face stop escape blue dare drug lives wish doesn't drugs work earth new acid game nature bad sublime gods break beautiful ah writing hold born trying coming friends hold writing ah space daze burn body reason rain real moments wonder music memories exist psyche control waiting dawn future act philosophy word choose emotion lies deep one's difference self score truly perception actually finally what's story sure spent play happy greatest help start used lie took listen touch run belief fool glass hurt we've gaze goes cold set seek they're yes information anymore longing lonely qualia social land water afraid kind getting came dead hit present keeps gotta pleasure reflection free rave line held pray path sense art black half-light wake question quiet remain longer pill stay course open ego matter places worth lack horizon saw dusk beauty hand makes energy looking gonna data told seeking die kill seen subtle bit caught venturous means freedom yeah divine eternity empathy later rise perfect minds edge comprehend spiritual write couldn't evil care ashes summer knew turn content context accept existential white red sound chance who's consider hide judgement friend 'til realize dimension cast gave tripping praise health la enjoy search universe winter broke empyrean gain family personal spirit flowing wanted point poem lying wander loved wind knowing sleeping rest stuff doubt flow began embrace months knows discovery society hate aeon darkness chemical surely searching meant oneself infinite share forgotten fell late person religious conscious sex you've teenage blame eye instead different clear bring follow known decide forth strange cool stand we'd miss psychedelic passion today wasn't language catch purpose patterns tonight subject madness temporal ready simple sanity asked entheon absurdia entactus psychedelics metaphysics humans particle unto skies inside arms drink smoke bass youth breath listening close depths intangible expression mortal nostalgia practice return loose maybe dancing shadows king war answers morning silent dust fucked party generation near judge define asleep quite machine lines moving learn hath fate ate crowd standing haze guess brought certain fair read ways hours irish scared fine reckon possible ain't year psychedelion fucking apotheon substance isn't study bliss selfish ends warm dopamine explain fix addiction culture respect wisdom calm hurricane problem contradiction heaven forlorn vain gold sweet hidden effort fast she's breaking changed engine faith dance maze alas girl sigma watch grand heavy justice wait tried doors appear phenomena definitions somebody ignore feelings process sonder cybran soft depression chasing taken throw answer action relief having wandering compounds quantum necessary effects empathion ethos begin everybody rising clouds emotions indigo falls ecstasy fresh american walking glow outside speak force grow physical says view voice happiness shame sought age understanding lay individual billion explore crave pretty lights comprehension tears big sands crime waves taught forever venture adolescence welcome humanity comes zero storm wise claim swear sounds pass damn met he's internet mr table company repetition heard playing dirty mirror lets awake sorry doing dreaming states pondering ridiculous simply greater heal hear natural mydriasis mydriatic substances fades asking measure worse scoreboard destroy erase blood leaves worlds abandoned skin twisted walk grace smile fading illuminate hearts bed food ignorance admit drunk spring exile apart killed talk master meet waking chose neon adventure join shit mist aren't breathe psi laughing feet river trance wonderful floor hair desire breeze birth desert fade looked urban continue nation probably second belong willing alike criminals progress cyberspace sole survive names pills fears beginning digital you'd sadness easily depressed perceive surreality poets merely remains sober closer prose fact growing died save insanity defined session soon realm empyreal taste suicide science skins quality peace raise ashamed azure quit yearn piece notions absurd noble liberty entheogenesis reckoning feedback particles object reconcile baseline chain sardonic false weather hallowed intoxication wasted junkie's here's express cover green witness anger treat sacred pure cure ethics code objects level happen room addict smell fun climb pupils mere ok quest roam park meaningless form hour reasoning cyclone laugh nostalgic inspiration takes attention drop written sigh hole statement sand keeping thunderous sight despite grasp lived called drinking west heads spoke daylight staring song calls hell shivering kept recognize granted weekend problems decided aware happened hacker forgive sea key single moral sway definition caused connection channel difficult media strife dangerous ones cleanse imagine running utter ground spend vibrancy trees changes rhythm everyday group deal foolish hurts anxiety painting proud brother crazy amazed value temporality decision journey spinning making ha acknowledge learned scars apotheosis sort serotonin poet safe experienced potential lucky sunyata condition poor witnessed history doth barely pretend taking hero superposition plus suffering prefer offer won't medium empathos essence events reflect apotheotelos actual determine house issues worked begging virtuality swore gleaming sly gentleman wicked abyss feed lands tea moon miracle honest streetlights tale lust nights early chained allow placed life's actions emotional plant plan drizzle speaks spin hypocrite conviction watching rules jump application chains forged angel fail reflections lot illuminating flag grip fly sick wonderfully create freeman shine job supposed eggs draw pupil dripping tremble mescaline singularity subjective darkens alpha needed atlas orange discover rabbit warp joint wonderland perfection ponder souls silence ahead roll magic ease bag sorrow escapism sake chest magnitude chaser cloud infinity replaced revelation survived vs carry yearning school slip games begins curiosity heavens powerful typhoon furious theory hypothesis apathy serenity mind's marks window humankind cybernetic fraternity liberate cut movement excuse stopped thunder tire apparent mastery occurs motion paper masses throes falling race hanging bear follows sardonicism endless burning idea ideas burden court ya verse consume kick method stood temporary flash realized eat kindness occur advice shades properties shores hang shining ink rolling minutes street deem tools autumn empatheon entheos reach echoes remix diamonds gets worthy identity thoroughly stuck happens recall conclusion choices fiend dealing finding gun son stimulant experiencing depth twice starshine whilst chosen thereof hooked confused enables painful desires serotonergic teleology prey loop wishing relation neural animal hallelujah ultimately projection communication actuality significant experiences remind transcendention notion proposition works illusion puppet offers chalk series occasion calling degrees ended sin figure slick ending ash sentence glance rend november eve drum rainy destruction romantic drawn shadow observe ghosts bodies wandered atmosphere box familiar children honor road serve beliefs strong avoid lessons returns poison relax exhale whispered intention liquid stare dope needs junkie smoking club relative glitter reached fractured stones junkiedom aspect ketamine heavenly scares domain excess robes vast euphoria grass thrall elation buzz renew dr waste let's morality wanna bottle immortal owe intuitive wouldn't teachings transcendent nocturnal education eternal divinity drive aligned illegal lamplight sell sail insomnia curious beatific seeing insane continuum kiss beta void soar roar fog basis weed town cost regrets appropriate brave threat using emptiness fountain short stole shield riot shade ghost numbness stained steam dreampt october ion derived hazy money message sing quote metaphysical scene swept plain colors nirvana alright unlike dear low teens nonetheless pick considering teenagers beneath door electronic kids build pulse teaching kid mistake teach tear contextual political civilization vision dissociation completely tells normal nevermind raised brings laughed melody spot streets holding coffee praying violence appreciate vengeance law trust exploits slowly trouble mirror's refrain compassion eats recognition discovered blaze otherworldly pieces darkest angst brothers sit win buckfast vicious binge breaks undead forgot demands able notice lucid dimensions evolution sunrise plans philosopher killing produce working cloth produced painter gazing favourite track bunch haul arrives started chemistry prevent awaits definitive strive versus rule dread bare slow stayed onward altered helps lifestyle losing followed woke fight event innocence charade child ventures higher y'all acceptance pay any-more bay vicissitudes codex cannabis pleasures planes doses awareness steal beat zero-summing narcotic lest strength matters reading easy sons drift solstice half formed normality weren't hungry hopes declare research tales envelope regret tired breed release honestly haven't it'll blow entheogenic stories amidst insofar technology direct binary pushing gotten patience danger symbiosis dilation gleam untitled risk remembering aeons contemplate suppose allows goal certainly virtues well-being popular regard result tornado mescalito usually distant creating skyglow behold manifest psychedelia representation endeavour excitation transcendental resonance odd growth hedonism possibly focus proper assert formation described interpretations reflective determination rational consuming cherish expressed pathos psychoactive eventually significance dissociative strings author experiential specific oxytocin loves glimpse frames loneliness elements created 'pataphysics craft betrayal typical built wall wonders concerning critique signifiers books failing assume effect 'auld subject-object lethe scorn wants shroud understands enhanced ascend tides finality collapse lake reclamation beach proclamation justify junkies hood teen streetlight caressing lips other's comprised harvest midnight blink aching lesson responsible native fortune mistakes nurture grown healthy test mock especially badly boring walked gorgeous innocent villain giveth benediction stone rictus nightmare skystruck insignificance struck scum nothing's thrown unspoken den shatter loss subjugated angels myth fallen demon temples reborn irrelevant thousand clothed plains whispering insert telling everybody's ultimate expand immortality small rapture bound dry comedown starlight whispers contained watched attack mechanism questions palindrome perpetual surreal theme perspective bane heathen basking singular physics sighs rhyme deity sincerely goodbye fit asunder naught comfort adrift -the radiance plunge rock planet twine applause current enhancement zen profit terrible ill weary leaving fierce alchemy luck speed opportunity men arose prophecy steadfast captured sage demand weird estates gathered distance all's foretold sold wrath kinda relentless advance coil anybody columbine ocean drown spoken ancient eden wet blessed crimson concepts yesterday evening deeply whisper flicker enter book apathetic streetlamps trespass spun turned clean underworld disguise viewed despair tunes melancholy reverence unsaid noise o' groups turning swallow dropped lead confident veracious offend talked switch teenager shouldn't paying allure variable humane inspiring ex 11 matrix flickers offering receive signal news chant exhaustion access background commence summer's arcadia deja vu complex realization vivid stick sublimeoblivious deliverance belonging creed symbionts pendent sane smiling rumination plane glint resembles conversation web corporeal solace theft burned they'll sensations shivers satisfied enslaved mire comfortable shattered arch medina's fragmented plead achieve woman stage swaying dismiss entire numb lord type chapter infamous conquest aspects proving leads bloom floating precipitation artificial renewal spill beating midst petrol mad hands exploit movements examine women sublimation occurred eternally notes dizziness perceptive guys haunts spark poems poetic pull remained gazed vagabond presented blanket cried stranger glad lucidity turns sum details pour valuable exceed represent surprise continuity occasionally relinquish gravity likes weeks wrought gathering entirely reaper rays aging root laid balance four-twenty provide double-edged ceased exploration mates world's walls alteration faces breach million grey tidal unknown price absolute garden haunting train jungle aloud allowed habits closed syntax difficulty alter scratch glimmering drifting quenched explained forfeit in-between clearly ideals ubiquitous chemicals happening abandon supreme drifted soothing reveal alcohol stimulants psychonautes indescribable conscience closest dying andor travel gentle foodstuffs tree worried demons pair recognise inability ensure including hey graciously prove logic rhetoric 15 galaxy lately hearth ethereality forsake wanting steps memorable 'round player moves del you- encourage finished suspect frequently intoxicants acts aer veil qualities animals remembered karma kissed burying shooting bold scattered input howling design forsaken banish seraphim wide cola united democracy meandering -one zed's hot commit self-sufficiency thought's psychosis flows unreality immersion aesthetics realms struggle wisely immanence absolutely member add writings coin avoidance naturally boys inseparable standard convinced concerns passed prudence quick external suffer choosing produces letter proclaimed myths pains shroom bright absurdity awhile prospect sad distribution recreation responsibly ghb adrenergic minor neurotransmission cyclica lonesome foolishness cometh 5-ht2a beings golden pitch cathinone suggest conclude cognitive motions ethical condensate precious abuse compound underlying adult bask push damage attachment originally determinative heaviness concept facts today's regress detract step ugly absence cosmic note imagination psychedelos noumena noumenon reader haunt determining error questioning habit measured limitations manifestation learning arcadian joke hallucinogens material diethylamide mysterious exists 'twas response proportionate quantized nervous anyways identify qualify device analysis moderate moderation alterations accompanying totality fascinated gradually 'the represented brief juxtaposition played t'was resides tribe stead vote period liminality delete recurring mirror-neurons alexithymia craic ar positive drank maelstrom pharmahuasca wondered reflecting lovely facebook typing quale implicit dispute occurring fallacy treasure exactly reduction distinction discussion man's construct couple contain lovers failed confidence writer's integrity worst psychiatrist sesh rare chronology scale drug's definitely title sesh-heads who'd asks unable tomorrow plucked picture alphabet named coherence task pretends inevitable contemporary trips graces wrote entertain vice elicit psychoactives feens conform deface replace grin h-bomb atomic bleeding 20 bloodless unequalibrium following quench hunger bent euphoric display interstellar vertigo influence waited sunlight explored paradise soaring faded sitting unafraid aqua tinted source itches optional differently stem rich greed forbidden negative privacy react earned ails charity gift couch courage endlessly fascinating boyfriend phrase movies hopelessly loud admission inherent hypocrites intoned devil laconic sinful vein surrounded movie contemplating blade frost stronger bone scripture surfing lord's pursuit albeit missed won command ear addicted purchase understood dilated ethereal devilish settle thirst harm compelled grants acquire unlimited unexplainable casting looks canal flawless bitch veins brimming temper philosophies arise mirthful tangible physiological pathway horror atoms earlier original imply deserving artist beloved mesmerizing boy church cars brains staying shag omelette overdose intuition undercurrents immutable instilled ships silver surface bearing intricate conditions discoveries odds communion firelight shamanic god's philanthropy ace elysian satellite ache glaze millisecond indecision pierced torn deny universal stepped roaming eyecon omega watches revelatory delta anachronism doomsday devise theta gamma covet epsilon lambda nu mu passing riddle suspended spy self-esteem laughs grows wrapped they'd account stopping storm-clouds electrified planted dice sprouting saying indoctrination drama amends cruel enemy approach similar tracksuits solve increased onset lingers hangover clan tidings endured recovery morn hordes transition alcohol's desk station blaring round cruising stereo expanse surfacing cascade anew taunting ersatz zephyrs foul oil orxon loath agonizing factory convey sear awoke descent cigarette adaptable rapturous olympus columbian outcast descending cleansed immersed burns sipping plot tend church-bells gambling library minds' ceremony others' heat anarchy ripped subtlety fled paint suppression communism canvas capitalism cleansing dub opinions inhuman bleached torrent alley minus led juvenile dollar prophet vilify concrete engage adolescent carpark clock shelter stealing dizzy multi-story chorus submerged discourse accepted relaxed socially millennium titan fates rip malleable fraction existing phone arrested manifesto sent opened bombs murder bank wage threatened judging thinks forces ass smart refuge psychology debauchery inner-demon guy ropes provoke holds strains quieter capable immeasurable dreamed grounds amok portal transcend dynamic instability chaotic lap gentlemen choose- network decides nice insecure flaw assigned legion pride runs anonymous demigods axiom refracted constituent axioms plays palm random continuing defines reoccurring setting incomplete tipsy worries existed blur continues banality colorful split-second inapplicable rung possess personally circuitry ai older dawn's reflects -last harmonizing cunt feeble video-games starter deceive weave revolution tyranny arising suspension echo neck glare tunnel disassociation incinerate expect rages regime runners bother gloss rooftops gliding suspense softly deadpoint runner's hides hindsight unseen simplicity fuego bleed heed ulterior tempered forge attain oblivious linger reminiscent blues tennis interesting island tiger bittersweet mics lapping futile deserve misery dumb incredibly hah apologize expel criticism eating jive seven half-life keeper sides righteous beset strike trials sooner starting pause spanish megaphone dared sighed fleeting reminds anticipation deftly chalice waded subsided lingered latin blared contents strikes bored spread awash swooned blossom spirits mouth fabric mention gives statue sails chaos iris tide rhythms surge shout thrills bonfires buzzed yokes bounce college mdmazing clearer conditional whats favor limits suburbia famous bowl impatient ruled agree month covering painted large forward castle tramp hall fooled quietly glistening artists pictures claiming 'you unless rhythmic paradigm shift apply applications ergo sociable macbeth adventurous lady knowledgeable commodity shell aflame sentience parentheses braces brackets revived continuous plastic reside simultaneously remembrance seethe foray tomorrow's ecstatic dived father extension fare starts glided armageddon apocalypse cradle benefit consequence driving velocity appetite radio car gather reasons stars' turquoise beach-side hue mindset settled overwhelming standards failure inept harder masturbation churning portals winning lingering valid sink ordinary posts subconsciousness alice dosed twenty-fourseven owl marble shone straight rises wearing classy powder suit dusted shirt messy tonic tie debutante chills middle impression luxury purely redefine monsters wash heaven's derailed constant conceive order definity encapsulate dance-floor surpass gates belay teardrop crystalline lone mysticism strip alight nocturne mask indefinity oxygen contact immerse chems boldly tempting bitter genuine 'n vitamins subtlest disguised encounters expectations grim dive prompt ball correctly warned rem cross implore memory's rituals junkiesque feel's brace suits activities dreamer awaiting darkened glory tranquil drugged-up revelry gains empire special transcending credit lsd caffeine molecules rush hail electronica pointless noticed foolishly wondrous character hiding wanderlust swing performance theatrics confront worship psychonaut wheel scholar dealer police ship sticks luminous predict gesture louder disco realisation pleading socialite covers victory counts conflict tendency defiance everything's trails apologies con- regression starry someday esteem unnamed permeate discern phantom nightfallen phantasms capture directive 14 17 ego's introspection pandora's ride flame realised cusp according walks forest deified boundless prompts flat tweaking lads cravings outta beached chanting burst anthem zedd melodic jeans rey chasin' december lana lied amphetamine bathed virtuous indulgence advocate blew moved seasons ontology 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like-minded motivation required tasks menoeceus fulfilled perchance acceleration dopaminergic option dreamt sheep toss labelled totally severe fewer over-thinking processing apollo occupied craving anchor cave vocality bustle blind ruminating coping temple miosis el blankly evaluate belays recursion recursive obsession circular 4-aco-dmt methallylescaline entheogen cake come-down 2c-b beckons willingly mdma birthday link rests highly profile imbued fought molecular elect inhibitus intracommuneon macro micro major nmda glutamatergic gamma-hydroxybutyric whatever's shaman recurrent empathogenic healing contrast reciprocity acknowledging woven m-verse height dpt week everyone's scar plausibly immanent questing ataraxia dmt pituitary glutamate concentrate provides nicotine nerve cocaine trusted coke methoxetamine requires terms slight mechanisms labelling progression momentary permeates dissonance number superspace supertime common inhabiting lovelessness landed prescription forgo diagnosis poisonous didactic pulling string stimulus legendary ponders sondrous immanension evaporated fantasy adj generally info fighting human's dynamical ego-death juxtaposed subscribe stupid truths another's worlds' vibration impressing posited phenomenon lyric sobriety prone levels mark ability important validity self-expression schema establish psychosomatic uncommon neurons debate discuss selfless flephedrone chancer turbulent aside death-stroke greek constructed reflected judges faculty proclaim mood denotes arylcyclohexylamine consistently psilocybin lysergic dearest dissociatives majesty drew inspired descriptor senses analyse lacking consigned processed meditation forego addition augmentation cyberdelic faculties implants biofeedback user wear local simplify ect visual psilo-cybrans disbelief breathed hollow anesthesia oceans riposte lachrymose maintain eidetic chances destroyed semblance closing extraordinary escaping eventual injustice absudia acquiesce presents threshold managed spake escapism's genius rolled morpheus othrys theoxeny enthralls consumerism nearing non-judgemental restless ideal induce choler determined sourced sunbeams suffered terror presume t'is detailing composite momentum symbols organic transitions ignorant religion fanatic groggily inhibition term 'ra spliff cynical dependent endorphus aetherius savour insidious mate liked scientist psychic nearly escaped necessarily farther draws mystical activity egolessness haunted owed merit sedates data-whore onlineout aboard stimulating spheres' infatuated limit's unendingly stops bandwidth laptop pirates addictive abused scarcity applies personas politics afford distraction bartender fed unedited fps role morphs liking case accuracy aspired poiesis in-itself shake signifier somnolence some- cycling phenomenological judgments reductionis judgemental changing duality spell trick reply constructivism henotheistic prophets psychological ester shulgin's veneration pihkala mistaken explorers tomes commandments tihkalthe imperatives continuation psychonauts strictly sentimental western mess tribute band chalking signify actu-ally repaired pariahs jekyll hyde thank letting writer block tellin' abroad distract twenty-something self-loathing usedcontinue 'scoreboard' believes fantasize aw vent thoughtlessness fairness sheepish voice-in-my-head therapy poetry's universes plusminus ignoring dosage ingestion that'll oftentimes songs represents government bog-standard bureaucratic recreational mequestionmark insignificable helped seriously entropy logos fecund majority valued wuz mah dey vanquishpreserve dio highest remnant yo fragments manhattan signification presentation direction posting example wondering list idiosyncrasies parent pandoran montauk consists contrary regularly sessioning praxis foreseeable filled nootropics kicked efforts bullshit nears busy introduction behavior function voices narc cling ingested reservoir excessive na stress session's postmodernism reform rebirth unchained comedy foreboding philanthropic mushroom invisible radioactive radiates radius blossoms sunset weapon km paradox previous stared intertwine climactic candles erased climaxing baked stripped dawns delta-nine housing host figures unready ablaze highs flowed entwined feeding bloomed vista vodka metaphor faint harsh washing atom layers meta-physical galaxies imposed nerves thought-provoking serotonin's abuzz awe-inspiring jealousy wishes optimism forgiven rudely guidance conceit mimic balanced tolerant hurting decisions consideration seeds strengthen truthful participate illness people's persons worldly property multiply communitythe interrupt wilderness guests honesty unprepared bunk wrap gawky collapsed lacked tybalt prince romeo cats slow-mo spunout bones deadly benefactor's breeding unyielding revealing palpable dizzying awe loser embracing needle shed delivery experiance tune renewed crownless woken wither roots sweat aftershave fixed vital companions encompasses anticipating shear unbeknownst naivity unbeknown malicious terrify beckoning split oppressor menacing persecutor portrayed orbs astride glides passersby dammed chants seducer instincts reconfigured merciful blows accuser soft-spoken delight aghast archaic subjugation dopamine's planning deaths philosophers quivering backs horizon's cathedral blades oasis afire hindsight's revelation's ripcord reload flip clip unzip aftertaste freak drains ascended thrill mirth daemonhood archetypically dignifies consciousnesses god-damned disappear lifewell mensurate jessup limbic fulfill quantifiable se buddhist fucker incarnate selves eddie practices dispensed contains yogic disdain constrained mister deus playground immortalizing charles twatted screw-up mum class designed bigger attitudes screw-ups cocktail twenties darwin thirties -galadriel bequeathing unfurl expanses dilates caresses tanhauser c-beams orion shoulder roy gate batty vibrant paradoxism formula stone-written adjust bukowski pliable readily unlearn dictum beer educational answered albbeitt thievius aperture gentility revere revelations untold unfazed synapse interpret casts nowadays philanthropist legend rejection glide synapses tequila rhymed astral realmente prowling disgust backlit tarry zeta iota pi omicron upsilon rho arbiter tau phi chi kappa eta compassionate digamma glazen strider backbeat timelaspse battered pretension wane syncopated nigh kansas orbits wax ledge synesthesia redemption tryst cataclysm profligates lightning generates war-cry shocking congregates unstopping frost-fire brewing dropping carrying slanted provoking heavy's seed enchantment groove advertising trace bettered jar vanished vox bottled skepticism retreat pounding venerable haste wastes dara ministrations looming afloat dog alchemist raids tatters wise-man remedial secure marched eyed disappeared barren roads remedy malady roved visit accord raiders stomach apothecary drought ragged deterred tirade westside orcs glen stalking swift apothecarion consum'd k-side square prize communed mead relent mordor omens millennium's rope apothecary's sundown mamba pasa que five-thousand revelator watt mitzi-turbos isengard sale guarda phat warmer mountain borrowed resist ripe replaces kinds heralds morrow fields ever-blue unending fateful sings eruption emerald beryl seep aura dystopian vortal corruption hewn malachite pollutants weep smog industrial vaporous desolation smokestack pyre inhumanity snow red-stained droplets caress shirtless consecrating declaration demonic layer fiendish overcast blitz shows convergence unhindered precipitating sending entitlement rebuke dionysian late-summer's float drenched suburban medina cautious refute darling purplesmoke dens traipse stakes ring gamble soon-to-be-drunks scourer decent tome atop lethargy's athletic novae stalked tar nova tartarus melted denizens hellion angelic acumen underway ever-'round distorted socio-indulgence atom's carnal post-apocalyptic carnival sub esoteric pumped vertical spectrum ultra-violet infra-red sacrament perception's dye incredible fallenangel planned entirety dull burnt lifeless flitted themes bye numbing unheard disconnection immolation melodies transgression seppuku corporate skid-row kazantip 'benefactors' adjudicating dead-end mecca anti-social fuzzy pronounced huddled cheap skate delinquency weekends cherished mosh tower knocked ringing hoods individuals' blissful doubled pillhead breached gushed floodgates melancholic choleric phlegmatic ponderous reassured sanguine falter stoke ambitious temperments chthonic ravish furies presides avenge falsehood ravagers stigmata embodies noun verb exclamation taboo censorship-ridden semantics evokes casually banter kindly scandal sadists incompetencies spoon-fed electron 1950's gluttons tying dominated wars shaped fifteenth copied tasteless bores rushing color junior cheat addict's reduce dirt-cheap listened teachers board bits ms profiteering hungered tick nationality meat smith drops 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thesis analyst oppressive routes cops refused sidelines pushed pathways connors possibilities criminalized clients conduits parallel immense fracture rent pauses spiel instinct ensnaring edges echos reflections' spiderweb vapors immersing fuel vengeful intents suspicion venomous watchdog individuality youthless fuels hounds paranoia motives alien precedent inhale bake's incantations abandonment surrounds ceiling profoundness campfire declaring unattended racket reel certification risin' 10'000 stranded rings mojo ten-thousand rawr planet's saturn's smooth subaqueous silk sheets trippy cares surround vulnerable heart-wrenching hate-fueled contradict farce fury ironic misguided dissuaded attacking inspire -charles hauer -rutger g-man monologue introductory speech -nathan -morpheus nathan's -faith -miles weak passage attempt winnfield pulp valley finder fiction featured biblical shepherds brother's iniquities 2517 worry fancy toke jealous stoner attitude magnificence pursuits tender crowds hispanic stylized latina astonished glimpses charcoal volumes water's wild intoxicated guards street-party droves supped resurfaced disregard pub massive tavern glimmered brazen liqueur expedition quarter downtown jules -ezekiel deliberate dragon indifference expecting junkie-to-be dunno black-hole privilege super-massive sublimedlong irrepressible archive librarian librarians interminable car-park city's trapped highest-level wayward cloud-cover photon seemingly torches roof open-topped sodium-vapor multistory surrealism gracefully causing lamp awesome coupled parade haywire spacey soul-storm astrape sprawled flesh weightless locusts profession terrorists hackers images tile dealers hostage statues yacht cloak threats slaves bullets bulletproof checkered rouge enfolds baby's drones iti'm antics dispositions havoc skull mob drums screams battery gleeful mania's ahoy battle-cry skins' tank discontent rome shunned crossbones congregation overfilled alpha-beta powdered unbroken theorize bumpin' sup proven points peaking indefinitely scope tested blizzard fluid stance erupt refraction locational asis tenses pint inflammatory superficiality's climbing overture blue-black ignite pavement signals mast madrugada heading record philosophical us' grab country 'there feast exotic clueless motionless ornate pulled grapes kingdom solemnly masterpiece subjects freeze shock gasped competition snatch embarrassing artist's wizened thirty ordered 'now paintings rafters indignant glorious admiringly easel fruits revealed perched swooped moistly exclaimed sparrow centre 'my see' twat feverishly hungrily lived' decreed easels agreed dishevelled 'aha' rove generalization reprimand sylvia bandits marauders borderlands numbers fuck-ups shed-parties galore octopussy beta-phenethylamine mezheads mead-a-plenty sinners mold stone-cold magical recounts usi'll lostbefore practical unravel findings philosophia descartes shakespeare's cogito foreplay sexier wordplay's ditty bookish dayscontinuous ratatat guitar sentient expansion exponential clarifying alphabeticall continual half-lit instance recover rejuvenate impotent absorb recorded intricacy synthesis ouroboros fathoms dark-arts eight-day disrupted best-served braking cook pinch well-versed essentially lethargy bleak waging mother finds implications documenting birthed farewell raven corvidae crows swearing underneath corax appeared rider secrets horsemen trench-coat crowfather circled unleashed approached striders seventh famine untimely rook grimaced harbingers black-feathered fleet fourth seal wailing implant vine sickle chariot scythes sow nonchalance portion digress fruition ensnared spruce reap scythe nicely vehicle blazed cityscape aid fumigated anguish kings warpath cups dance-floor's yoking admissions primordial prom right's promenade lazy chilled reared teacup unintentionally wrongs vanity obtaining psychobabble threw absconded intact daysdaze sways subduerepulse disgraced unsatisfied shut forced continued linked abide charismatic vitality confined jah substantial arrive testing liquidity chillingly waters partake sport inebriation floated diary mezhead hits self-consciousness peeling blotter disconcerting darko knees bewildered golf emptied amazement derealization pine black-and-white tiles displacement donnie fatigued double vapor concussion sat athena's plummeted disorientation seated secretive flew glanced stormveil cowl gown immobile minerva's sleepless sid party-induced deprived saving narcolepsy drained yawn purple medicinal wine gentlemanly fiver card smashed finery served lotion dinner hometown codine rolled-up abby commotion buckie chats beatdown blackout finish counter expense obligated vacuum isfair physicality viscosity colder electrically superfluidity irresistible promote superconductivity bending corners knife envelopes zero-point aligns magnified youthen driven innate subsist tracks strappare unevenly equilibrium maintained after-party prowl refined passions internally nocturnally viewfully enumerate every-time crusading compel aliens somebody's heart-shaped movementsmoments chessboard beaches footfall throat sacrificial horses duel-carriageway sand-torn gallop discerning betrayed oxymora masquerade parched banked wolf broadcast 2c-eye ocular lamps locked extra-terrestrial narcotics beginnings perpetuity recognizer legs tattooed third-degree motherfucker forehead tombstone stamped fresco amble delicate rendered desensitize brushes clothes albeitt wipe misbehave traced -all touching emulsified strayed slyly gang friday mo-fo howdy-ho mug unpredictable bounty milling brightens randomness excitement forty-five leaks complain assorted arsenic opulent floats villains one-z's drummer i'ma swagtacular exploratory straits vaulted impede equalizer predictable considered destiny wondrously questioned affirmative victim savant sham coat expiration visionary magistracy double-up phonetic manipulating two-syllable machinations overthrow scare date precedence responsibility accessories disgorge mind-altering blood-red discriminateimpede informed ultra-blue leavebelieve colours morals scoured adults parents creation deepest society's satisfaction dangan conjurer apparition contendrend afar fray rejuvenation compartmentalization cranked astray tastes months' spaced bringing kisses ambience on-air younger surpassed encased ever-remain adult-world's undying electronica's aqueous swung readings cyberpunk uef's pitch-black stately guidelines reliable unappreciated advisory conflagration expanding mortals stellar condemned sins circuit consumes fiery neo-rave transcendension techno-paganism electro-festivities psychonautical betting yolocaust entactogens fake deter dabbled decipher dutifully recordings reinforcing dauntless emptyempathy forthcoming asof revenant suffocating writes fuelled success knocks sardonism parasite furnace prestige astound pilgrimage navigators soul-sailors sandbox champions ever-renewing charter telepathy candy charms rainbow off-blast laced meditative cotton fluff ceriously down-count sayonara asian irregularities wireless filtering clutch mystery dope-fiend quintessential hardened sinking sargent shoes stalker useless stumble plain-clothes give-away sensibly officer horns filth bars dirtydead 50'000 sounding chequered strobing reverse-engineer humilitydivinity style seams lurks your's torrential sickened unstoppable powered sith stated destination refers discourage goneleave plebeians halt triumvirate safety procrastination -ness proof envy stream chap apathylethargy -cious- supper nonchalantly pity perfectionist ethic unmotivated felicity simplicity's nope entry beaten nineteen-ninety-four enclave balcony wikipedia two-thousand-and-whenever shimmers byactualise lofty crisis armed unmade testimony looneys unrenown ethnic arch-enemy thrasymachus orator disproponent mercenary unimportant sophist stun fully vintage bubbles consecrated thea ghosting heroic ever-inebriated exaltation numericall 21 12 19 16 22 10 26 25 hologram 13 23 devilry 24 18 forms soul's emanate willpower pockets trek mt scenicsuburban flies bus archangel photographic relationship evidence enticed sublimed bough diversity warmth secrecy remiss clans renders twitched lurking standout june noon mexican't pinched troll dungeon new-wave punk smells genre backburner grunge fated raver nineteen-year-old connoisseur k-hole double-dosed pill-head speed-freak commentaries tribunal collect spellbound poker flipped cards chip washed dried dessert revel rave-shamans shadowy cell-phone monday kite gangsta compared sunday fame ca-cancer- incoming epiphany tornado's roaring strangest looms meta-amphetamine consign chink concluding dabble comrades diminish experiments predetermined seventeen menthol everydaze stays guessed girls communality experimental nominal electro superseded describing hot-handed destined regale vaporizer tremor marijuana glorify slept darkly cadet stick-monkey principles drug-baron free-fall tobacco identifiable unintended bygone blown exhail consumed bud kindled selflessly woefully dope-dealing house-parties vandalize off-world tofall relieves park's bulk benches adore amplification manner mace transcended minted metal frostfire basswave fondest diamond descend gushing committing descended greatly non-aristocratic shard synonymous opiates weaker plaything trembling bearings fuckin' core destroika preserve minding muzak timeless fleetingly conquer unbound vizual conquistadors howl fyrestone waitin' pandora erosion huxley jaguar rogue distributor sleek darkling imperialempyreal chim warrior tyme heresay hearsay dayumbehold messages endeavours tapped zeitgeist progressive monitor nsa leap easier decades envisaged marvels futuristic two-thousand-and-fourteen maudlin unjust sec radiant perspectivesubjective mores interact can'thave secret endlessness magician reveals forming everthrough deceiver readersacred comprende aight hooddarkside darkside socio-paradigm personable paradigms umbra ecliptic flight aphelion perihelion autumnal estival dream-tryptamine vernal hibernal equality fearless apex national speedometer fourscore mk ad -wankelmut louise idiom repeat infinitum emma untouchable elliptical di-charactoristic dilemmaexistence witch joker thief subtly companionship pack starsigns pettiness rip-and-runs anyother-such thieving kneeling scumbaggery tenancy friendless player's ink's worldwide 'erbs science-fiction hum raggedly dead-stars zeus deep-sound throws refractions kharon reverent guide binding sprites seldom solemn antithesis reminder simplistic weirdness entity unfeeling unreal prime necrontyr slumber rumbles pies pepsi cherry whoa patriots warped entheon's whoayeahthat's intro empirical otherside amps tryps supremecy trancendence neo-conservative citizens unite persecuted vying twining symbiont amphlify c'tan afterlife blacksun darkstar 'tis equinoxtryp amp non-interference tolerance reject principle prior interfering teen-lost equanimity street-light spins grains balefire in-vitreous dreadlockswarhawk shave scintillating ebbing winds rustle pave lined aloft yawned lateness eclipsed sincerity refreshed swirls entheos-ridden heights street-lamps vapours solo trypping conjur umbrae other-worlds tsunami eddies buzzin' rotation summon kerosene lampades conceal zed motorcycle shiver aether undeterred footsteps rooms nebula soberest mefrom dancefloor gomorrah clouded convictions glitched temporalquantum socratic streetlamps' spheres rationale cosmos eighteen thirteen schooled wits cybranity evolve pychedelic undergo psilocybranity merge algorithms cybernautic fractal posthumanity fuse summarizing summarize ventured emancipation transcendence definitively adherent bandmate certainty tailspin abnormally learnt drug-obsessed grappled instantly love-sick anti-ds bothers quagmire abysmally unrepentant scoundrel grandfather grandparent sweetest armenian necromancer great-grandfather undoubtedly french dementia promised brotherhood danced emigrate british interned father's cork gaols eye-to-eye insufflate solemnity roman haven ruins hunter thompson calea zacatechichi forsome waves' morrison venice urge emergency techo mission alienation oscillates mid-revolution macrocosmmicrocosm reverse harmony jedi ridicule well-known slander delicious disturbed sees meals preconceived rewards misunderstand storms unreliable congenial bodily luxurious adding sexual appealed lasts daily nightly demonstrates dreads feasting renounces honorably condemn sensuality tolerated avoided physicists doling prolonged succeed desirable impious blessings unnecessary advises enjoyment turmoil impiety determinism removing commend endowed ill-planned ceases irreproachable setbacks intense luxuries upsets goodness intervals liberates concern intent sap favors consequences fearlessness 425 happiest reveres punishments perform firmly conversely conceivably believing miraculous accustoming utterly results teaches cuisine unhappy rejecting happily 427 likewise achieved improved deliberately delivering embellish fullness theognis preaching prayer well-planned disagree cases base insatiable available agonize dreaded stilled regain secures byfatebut thatchanceis governs drugknowledge quotes prosepoetry sarcastic love-amphetamine empathospsychedeliaentactusabsurdia renaissance uncover impossible electric counting paniscus cirrus chronos harmonious epicurus et pan whichever estranged throbbing scorned openly abhorred reckless appriciated dose emaciation wholes advent bridges eaten kid's oracle melded prophetic insomniatrance pythia delphi ethylene wei producing tao wu possessing verbosity para-noia aka dims itch mortality syringe where's tethers musing sci-fi bends rends misdirection claimed illicit crass pathogenic rumours rumourmongers disinformation's wholesome lazers east solitary hallucinating creature pelo diablo atheist moons constraint thrutrue terrifying aloof propagation trade apple ho-mipt dipropyltryptamine eucharist speed-amphetamine inner strawberry psychem hoop blueberry brandy godflesh hospital blackberry bubble-gum ogygia liveliness resplendent wit ought advancing playthings expected stigmatized prevailed soiled converse crimes mediator suggests microscope dilemma mediation outlawed distribute crossfire re-examine psychoanalytical kar machrs gamma-aminobutyric logike a1-3 ampa opus receptor op1-4 dissociate d1-4 vigilaeon alpha1-2beta1-3 aetherion opiatus glyr cannabinoidergic psychedelionabsurdia mt1-3 inebriatus chemicall h1-4 stimulatus opioidergic nachrs 5-ht1-7 monoaminergic gaba-ab intoxicatum cb12 premonitions unthinking fo-sure field beware workrecreation educate physician prosperity ensures ethicality forbidding misunderstanding verbal stasis nexus inverse billions hopeful seeks gleamed detracting foundry pinnacle world-view incorporates multi-verse inextricably strings' melodic-theory boethius deso-energetic outrageous fadedwasted time-dilation post-autumnal dusky eye-openers splotches thoughts' tear-drop console flux liminal protects classically somethingintangible rememberi'll maenads rum raving rag hears inbetween quart vista's match aeon-dissociative psilo-cybranity hybridity shivered -flavour aponia hypothalamus-hypophysis dimethytryptaminergic sigma1sigma2 leakage asynchronous receptorsubtype protection philosophize particularity assure obtuse modify singularly journey's abides reminisce attend scent utmost cigarettes wading conduct foreword toyed humbling errands furthermore benzodiazepine psychonautics everyisone self-regulatory messiness caution conversing considerate painkillers opioid similarly hello demonized variation libel explaining liability prerogative rationalizing contribute intriguingly plasticity m-theory stubborn pharma fixture permanent ruminate societal derision resonating resonations position independent locations term's godly particular cybernetic-organism diffract clubbed deeping stupor hedonistic oscillation sensorimotor 4032-100hz 75-125hz 4-7hz smr13-15hz 125-16hz rhythmicall lungs billowed ember lit raging chimney azaria legalized connotations bruxism impolite glowing nystagmus revels best-sellers toxic bled discord zenith scrawled luminescence coalesced consumptive adequate logikevigilaeon vigilaeonstimulatus self-analysis animistic spasmodic disenfranchised bark gustatory precipitated vines toadstool downfall responsiblity quantum-phenethylamines sceptical employ scientific temporal-lysergamides prepared remodel patiently regained adrenalin nuerofeedback consciously impulse appreciable representations commonly associated atinto understandingjudging imaginingunderstanding bass-line base-line amplify successive desiring insecurities nympholeptics -jip togetherness spacemen enlightenment orbiting unattainable unison destroying self-destruction durdan possessions self-improvement -tyler seemless craziness passerby populated contractions nouemenon world-in-itself noumenal noema noesis nous organism relating additional sets informative clarification cybernetic-human head's groggy body-phenethylamine mind-lysergamide honeymoon physically denial nuerochems embodiment selection floods treats survival idealogical equatable ideology ideas' resists siick deify crucial monday's damm superposit juxtapositioned cactii venturesome intentionality words' resonant-tryptamines battle fills struggling gratitude balloon pissed amusement scours epicentre sphere lyrical twenty-and-a-half revolutions volume dynamicall mathematicall melodicall mathematical harmonic observing sublimates finality-without-end knowledge-in-itself posit beautifully sensing rationalize subsume inducing seekfind phenomenologicall free-play lyricall noumenologicall recapturing rocked thread churns exception scepticism defeats fruitless examining press lays ailment bestows troubles rethinking assessment accepts obsessive remark assures abstain event-data rooted prosper opinionated varying warrant occupy entail reasonably immediately argument patterns' menoceus in-themselves observation behaviour fundamentally assumes being's constitute recreate memetic genetic adorable run-of-the-mill epinephrine methyl clouding fluoro mephedrone's amphetamine's younger-cousin beta-ketone norepinphrine phase sweetness boldest ties adventurers adolesence permit compatriot diaspora bitterstrange ageing lifeline verbose lowly imperative architecture heart's mammoth serene dreamers cerulean zealous 'maze distinguishing inter-dimensionally empathetic en evoked elevated comprehended intersected separates empatheia saiddimension intersection purported ifwhen godlike tuned juncture junction idolatry disguising violet greatness hypnotized bythe elucidates hallucinogen origin prominent psychically hallucination elucidation 'hallucination' alucinari deliriants confusion agonists partial antagonists lysergamide phenethylamine acute pleases tool thorough gained poem's treading amatory opinion aimlessly head-fuck lackluster belligerently enticing anticholinergics scopolamine perceiving tour sealed jested festivities hallucinogenic generator hostsubject possessed based etymologically coined delved m-hole braved spaceless intra-definitively analysed understandrationally developed peoples analytical conception nonsensical suitable terminology entheosgod-within entheogengenerating phanerothymemanifest psychedelicmind-revealing entactustouch-within gust tore mojave neuro-cosmic resonate firedance compounds' charters seasons' mild distaste winky chase subjunctivitycardiotoxicity whoever'd apology blemish sifting egotistical negates parts lobes parietal callosum signal-lag twined occipital overhauling merges corpus replacing symbiotic substantially installing generated quantify internal intelligence hooded complete superior facilitate autonomy supplement cleaning real-time lends two-way continually brain's 'twined-ai' 'ai' central hemispheres install diagnostics interface reworked calculations retaining effectively usage onboard degree yawning pupillary manage physicalperceptual reducing evening's drug-lust importance solving majestic eases mankind searcheth linearity emptiness-in-itself hint cranial techniques garmentsrobes provoked inversed unfelt wight monoamine releasing antipathion aminergic sigmaergic trolls thine earth's pertain belaying skimming critical respond inclined agenda timing primed pre-packaged digestion immediate pre-analysed knock subjectivity childhood vividly tendencies harness mendacious hyper-gamma frequencyfps 05-201-4hz sympatheonparasympatheon trace-amines agentsmao cholineacetylcholine taar histamine glycine adenosine melatonin particulate shape mathematically organ oncoming infinitelyeternally cohere collapsing functions computation degrades objective soaked emotionality humble soared rekindled seize carpe consequentialist inon deontologist diem means' justifies shoulders rockefeller shines cracked localized scorekeeper sagacious desired audience lo manipulative wanders relinquishing irrationale normalize damnation 4lpha-masculine sani7y 3mpathy 0mega-masculine misanthroes 0mega phobia ever-longing rayed 7ired 5igma 1and-of-humankind involves unknowingness unknowing intermingled vague reminded evermore trippin' sleeplessness paltry detailed unscientific in-trying duty' dies candle quelled impossibility standby common-sense tempted alice's exempt proudly deimos phobos confronted prank composure trippingbreak compulsion preferably attacksustaindecayfade itthis disclosure relish hydra's sung delusion retributionsecurity -capitalism justiceliberty terrorism nationalism hogwarts union cliche sensus psychésthesia deepening onchromatography colourful sharp tribes insubstantial serpentine tempestuous overall deliriant posits seraphic deduce resonated affected emotio-judgemental ideological originating asserted generative correspondent effected befalls moksha gander fool's ever-rememory forin determinants perceptioncommunication spacetime precede sheer elective deimocracy republic public's cynicism dysphoric royal trivial sickening querulous droll petulant levity quickening double-time tempo laconian war-chants' byproduct clutching bellicose atropine extremely phencyclidine palimpsest coal forbid dedicating myself-consoling palimpsestuous ceremonious immanention linguistic fickle entheopoiesisapotheopraxis genealogy citizens' existentialist how's patron-national unsentimentalshameful self-imposed misconceived liberated exïsthesia star gaseous informational electromagnetism radiation δ8 systems elemental δ0-8 connective hydrogen replication nonlinear subatomic helium novas δ6 δ7 δ4 δ5 δ2 δ3 δ0 δ1 500-50 post-tech manipulation post-terrestrial 1499 tactile translation association verbalization premises lingual θ1 θ5 θ0-8 aural predication θ8 θ3 θ2 θ0 θ6 θ7 θ4 energetical entropical connects description spatial constitutes proposals shapes binds datum oneironmancy oneirongensis inertia contradictory imaginary pataphysical sapience sensory perceptiverespondent loops branch deals transmission projecting misconceive seraphim's evoking illustrating misapprehension impressions uninformed incandescence tenents effervescence 404 contumaciously amnesia corpulent archival count cholinergic gabaergic melatonergic adoration histaminergic nights' days' neurofeedback existenceand preguntas retire uninterpreted alternate lieu absurdusout-of-tune dēloun seat gestalt relegated unaccepted pretext compatibility integrate irreconcilable understandemotionally a-lexis alexithymoswithout-words-for-emotion without-speech thumos integration empathy's 'empatheia' despues tristeza una pocita tiocfaidh resession phoenix celtic agus awayemigrate belongs trip zenlightenment two-thousand-and-sixteen whosoever headache administer vicissitudinous fortune's musicality upper dareth x-factor soldiers motivational capitalism's consumerist army socio-cultural end-arylcyclohexylamineanachrono-choline motion-cathinonemomentum-amphetamine feel-methylenedioxy apotheosized 12-14hz k-complex synchronises thalamocortical spindle 165-20hz 205-28hz gt05hz unproven100-200hz unknownlt200hz 9-1275-125hz movementum trainers training hallows-even imbolc lughnasadh trenchant noxious mists boon oraculate redolence gaia's beltane jolt samhain vowed league conscientious whomever hubristic histrionic rivers emigrating jumping youth's abandoning totalsunyatatumblrcom page cyber-immersion select enhance eternityinfinity intimate beinga drawing exercise ek-stasis removal illuminations depressionsoul oneirogenesis nota day-after-day pushes transmitted constrain quantizing bene homely resolving appearance bypass delegated 'change' eons night-afore-night agofor time-intime-out effervescent incandescent monster final desecrate data-whores migrants starving confrontation exiles fucked-up humanism vain-glorious strangers fleeing yearned refugees homeland furiously changeescapism pubs nightclubs yurt containing grime exemplī phenanthrenes dendrobium orchid-fueled 48-trimethoxyphenanthrene-25-diol nobile orchid garage pharmacological gratia patriot deadening overabundance 2o16 sucked resurrect extended unabomber generation's 'justice' impinged counterculture divert patronize weækend coulda infringing week's individuals sixth equation acetylcholine oneiroi fusion norepinephrine nonsense minutely computing cycles analogue dream's hz qai 'heavy perceiver disrupts teleportation entanglement representing quanta realm' mindlessly button reposting machinedreamer oscillatory equates saved fucks two-and-a-half knowno descriptive hyperbole faultlines understatement afternoon deliberating thickly rankle irregular two-thousand-and-thirteen creep seconds traces recollection hishe's fore immemory agora premise symbolism defining abstract excel epistemological guarantees pattern-recognition biocomputers presuming substanceenergyentropy deemed 'to framework salubrious defeat t'would druglust postmodern modern 'pataphysics' likeness demanded curiousity exclaimation trove in- rivulet various dreamstuff characteristics general non-existence sensate reproduction performed dissection intuitions grantedness examination blewit's tabs opposition constantly composed practitioner self-deprecating weakens capacity eternalinfinite waveparticle literature proceed currency inequality categories ordimensions propelled fortowards enlightened mode meditate traditions encounter pantheons state-of-being brahma discriminate buddha allah gautama abuser projections conducted heroes 2c 'till acetyl favorites overbearing versatility component preference redux crumbles imperially-brutish withering restewn coordinates kristijan 137990021 sip mnemosyne cheers 109 multiplied majic cronus virtuality's intertwined endeared endorse aspires adaptive mage emerge posthuman calculate time-signature apotheosize drugsreligion after-all g-towncity in-so-far poet's any- pussied skim transformed duh offense morphed degreeit self-medicate fearsome train-of-thought product self-medication ireland cheaper turnover of-my-lifein-so-far astoundingly transforms idioms all-the-while groked qualifies 'curve' 'ascent' 'descent' liminalis telossecularis 'threshold' surrealis plateaupeaking genesisrealis contrasts anabasis sleeprest administration notation perceptions readjustment cultures connected exterior technique measuring active connectedness intensity day's peak experiment indicates mystique potency rating secondary researcher effectiveness transformation engaged subsequent quantitative predominant participation samadhi observed unmistakably repressible interior repeatable conceivable aftereffect resisted guilt sensitive impose tall sustains complaint notification fault time-wasting expert incurred learns tuning implement arranging denied complexion colour caucasian psychologically sallow beige phenomenologically attended mighty hoard fourteen twere released orchestrated suicides industry introduce psychétherapy nationwide regulate contradictions exceptions admittedly blue-pills doctor bollocks there'd muttered depersonalization cynically μfiction twas enfolded wills third-person ωhom gawd nawh hahaha baggage eclipse culturecommunitas deliberation sleep-deprived import lifelessness constricted gently aye whined absently drunkenly pros cons contingent favour cease creatures distractible devoted stoicism objectbelief reconsiderationresignification willfully voraciously leaf doom pointed enjoyed colored' undone branches me' soup ah'm dat's chillun 'where wuzn't dress wid yo' dat dem s'posed eleanor ast yuh janie chile forgetting heedlessly sagan consummation carl gaian shifts forevermore reforestation enamoured greenhouse non-renewables needlessly 'anthropocene' madgod so-christened renewable hestia runaway abscond venusian desecrating dionysus efficient remorse support arrogance tremulous self-awareness beings' 'afore foster taciturn tenacity instructive propose facing re- beatification -solve unleaded daring once-more unwritten precession iglesia theatrically storytellers ceaseless amaze discoteca pantheon shrouded personae dramatis everlong brothels seekseeth dreamerspeaker psychaé narratives dreamweaver procession stitched emerged assassin swell rarely unsure voluble strident ra-ta-tat-tat what'll tracers earthdust sunstuff homecoming w0rd5 eejit idiot limbs doll nerve- muppet andbut maggot tinsy againand facultiesability distinguishdifferentiate ramble isi gestured thumbs hardly ha-ha-ha-ha-haa discomfort greatteleology longed psilocybran instrument sclerotic replacebecome reference no- unutterable out- europeans americans real-estate repossesses 'own' reclaims bought ownership america supposedly natives accurately objectsubject accords presentations coheresreconciles dichotomies begs possession own- ership captain hegelian illusions dialectic valuations equivalence solution dissolving vat fantasise fuck-all all-the-way pwn wasting umpteenth uninspired unapologetically sentences disinspiration obsessing lifeblood interrogations carefully tongue mixed rightwrong romance pessimism under- offon fiends meanings languages complaining blasted goodbad referents italian french's multifaceted trawling etymologies miscommunication efficacious chore itty dis- hobbies feisty hustle wellbeing lurk grappling asset reliving seer acquaintance sibling net agedeity earth-mother stimulation signifies swim shallow braver concealed stigma plenty messing recent mulls messed infernal traumapsychic countless jesus gratuitous sunbeam imagining ha-ha-ha dispensaries terrorista convoluted supplicant outshine impropriety trial illustrious barista smokeand brick awful mastered 'ave bothering percy semideus poseidon aches pitter-patter comforts imagery wave-particle mediated holistic-consciousness dichotomy holographic inadvisable assessed counterintuitive victor involved birthright oath depressing tad recesses thisit's inauspicious unburdened daydream remeasuring traumas sinister duty mindsets installed childhood's directorship invaluable daphni fondness eager offered marathoning irreverent pattern crept vilified all-too-perfectly irreligious onin repetitive explicative onlyalways devotion communicate becometh rears serves virtuousviceful summit night's baseline's azimuth slaps river's celebrating twinge liquidic sodium-stained navigator unsleeping terrified permanently sliver psychotherapy counselling advised paranoid surveillance cup assessing fascinate fondly evaluation area evaluating doping ālūcinor raided politely ransacked classify delirium academic neuromodulation punctured foolhardy narrow tidbits disturbing stands sailing miotic hysterical funny bike anxious d'you regimen lair unspeakable servants bump seisiún quitting twitching fearful fragment returned entertaining mal intelligent itsour elucidate conditioned hypothesize isolated qualitatively attracted straining conditioning 'research' altered-state meta-consciousness elude 'special' digitization occasional neurochemical 'motions mildly intresting experimentation grasped comprehensive adapting treasured connections narcissist birth-throes stride will's founded deeming upheaval extent constraints versa intuitively reservations adulthood interactions evoke constituents neurochemicals territory studying lorde wavering downpour nourishing pleasant 3-meo-pcp 3-methoxyphencyclidine particularly mexxy persona transcribe navy proponents fairly flawed banks detached require interpretation nootropic diet stack skag realise daoine mhaireann chéile scath barr grips guts 4-mec 4-methylethcathinone mehkedrone contentedness contented tarmac cannabinoid tailed sub-energies restrain fedaration compare collaboration bear-headed-cybernetic-human psilo-cybran data-load areconsciousbeings alogy reductionepochéis -mentalpsychologicalbehavioral -physicalbiologicalneurochemical -subjectivetriggerresponse 4-ho sureretractedi listener' afterglowaftershockafterward archactualis onset-of-effect -sasha shulgin prototypical-state-of-consciousness altered-state-of-consciousness -ish aay'han services 12m parliamentary related judgementassimilationintegration depart 'dat's useter ownself' 'aw -strings againlet myotic -verted xistence niverse basked residing v0idśūnyatān aby5s my-lord afterward mi-lord listener afterglow reduction-epochéis subjectivetriggerresponse sureretracted mentalpsychologicalbehavioral -alogy 4-hydroxy physicalbiologicalneurochemical 464 conscious-beings worldkenosis quickly uncontrollably it'd minute snowing benevolent video's electricity filmed -ricky beggin' fitts 465 belly fond hilarity surviving tartarus's unified luis ame leon pool stormclouds pauli calamity listless youtube's listlessly section ket muttering quixotic copy imperfection yea shouted nerd homer lame bart pouted papier-cliché fools forgiveness ankle friable sprained kidding karmedic insolence ligament paul seduce pier seite cheer docks dockyard kalkbrenner vibes some-other spice variety indulged addictions mannerisms legacy neurotoxic inveterate abject submerge informing impartial connect injury legislate restrict respecting dismissal underestimate challenge controlled cheese mousetrap siblings conformist automania over-indulgence desist changeabilityexit saddest vulgar pursue complicate paid bore retract separation lurker irony mentioning self-appointed sesh-gremlins who've benzos rethought renounce uniquely loada soundly gremlin-hood quittin' deleted confession two-thirty o'clock tortured goddamnit invidious colonial mornings plough afoul penchant imperialism mordant 'system' accursed cannon loquacious staggered heroes' shutdown shocked torch jocular spite propitious minatory length intransigent calenardhon riddermark judicious munificent brighter limpid depends wizard rhadamanthine puckish nefarious giddily risibility warlock precisely snake irishman vainglorious gracious sixty-four afterwyrd passes sawhe brush defamatory egregious fastidiousness fulsome feckless rebarbative effulgent songthe mereological basterds libertarian parsimonious modifies attaching tradestuff wrecked togetheralone etched jerks rails routine damned believed committed hypocrisy hallows embers foraging sheepishly exasperated socializing inevitably dilute buried unearthed watery fires scattering descends embers' hallow's commemoration prompted commemorate someonething 'goddamn' titled range methoxy medicine syndrome manic variant uses improval limb unfavourable quicker psychotherapeutic saturday side-effect acted typically undeservingly milligrams after-effects pcp metabolize effective rep headspace fire's goddamn narcosis clean-ish shereshoy handsome keen kicking postscript hilarious them' silly bashful depressive forgone ruminatorily nespressos refer laments treatise recalcitrant mischievous stalled composition dawgs ascribed propositional tentatively spectral density measuredin constructs structure neuronal experiencememory neuroplastic analogous corresponds respective baying lovin' corporation thievery thirsty cigars tarantino's growin' outernationalist dawg everyonehas therapeutic thrones twenty-thirteentwenty-fourteen fascism inescapable consensus resurfacing govern viable cui bono correctness libertarianism pretense oligarchic conspire transparency heralded neoliberal socio-economic politika 's forlornour youto voidśuññatān lush inthis lounging-list updead modifier poking taller memoriam cathedral's memorydays amnesiahaze occluded dome copper oxygenated patron shire rid companion doubtful guileless finer promptly concomitant babbling resigned epitome skip narcomancy caredoes whatbut garrulous sorcery octopus dystopia prosaic hopefully meon narcissism toin admitting gay keenly emotionally queer querying heteroflexible empathize thanks succumb upbringing stir bothered ordinarily bruised attached suppressed labels stunted nay confounded bisexual bear-headed-cybernetic-humans reads d'em blazing throng morning's clothe cheering rousing amhrán bants heads' tchoons shtall sesh-head's undertones tha foreign intrigue bestow endow inanimate semiosis website signs healed joyous encapsulating cathartic semantic what- equate catharsis transcribed dares tail meeting scumbags bath glued whining handle sucks accident clarify gooey fixing proscription medicating giving building efficiently barrier properly essential hoped blood-brain unpleasant aggravated stacking hammered cognition nutrition rich-foodstuffs 'hangry' postprandial sleepy tallied calculated irritable sapiens calorie sedation neuroplasticity sated homo teeth admire dig sate feen buzzers cross-fire rounds siiick tracksuit-wearing bop hippies gaf crew beat's bloodstream contrasting nutrients absorbed causes metabolizes deficiency manifests bucky thaa robe pulls wears tseisiún pledged snort cannon's sworn anti-craic seshland federation longa vita brevis ars patient denizen torchlight dreary contend loiter doomed protect resonant heaving john balancing poesis respectful public 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amphetamines 4-hydroxy-n-methyl-n-ethyltryptamine salvinorin am-2201 metocin 137-trimethylpurine-26-dione lysergide metacetin 4-hydroxy-nn-dimethyltryptamine 4-methoxyamphetamine 34-methylenedioxymethcathinone psych0naut's 4-hydroxy-dimethyltryptamine scor3board 4-acetoxy-dimethyltryptamine 6--23-dihydrobenzofuran 34-methylenedioxyamphetamine 4-aco-met mdmc noopept 5-methoxy-n-methyl-n-isopropyltryptamine s-isomer 6-apdb 4-ho-dmt 25b 2-diphenylmethylsulfinylacetamide racemic l-theanine amide α-methylphenethylamine d-lysergamide psilacetin ultram miprocin βk-2c-b nn-dipropyltryptamine 25c βk-mdma 25-dimethoxy-4-ethylphenethylamine αmp 4-methylmethcathinone dihydrocodeine 1p-lsd 25-dimethoxy-4-chloroamphetamine 34-methylenedioxymethamphetamine pentothal ethyl 1-propionyl-lysergic near-fatal lucy δ9-tetrahydrocannabinol 4-acetoxy-n-methyl-n-ethyltryptamine 2c-e acquainted divinorum 4-desoxy-mda 4-po-dmt synthetic oxide salvia molly charlie unintentional 25-dimethoxy-4-bromophenethylamine 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Composed on 01:33, 27/02/2017 using Hello Poetry's 'Words' algorithm. We still don't assume this means something.

Forty Days

A Season of Grief, a Season of Rejoicing

November 9-December 20, 2014

For Barbara Beach Alter 
It is Christmas morning in Saco, Maine, where today Bett, Aaron, Emily, Thomasin and our beloved cousin Marie find ourselves gathered to celebrate our first Christmas without dadima (our name for Barbara Beach Alter).  Brother Tom writes that already in India he and Carol with Jamie, Meha and Cayden (the only of her seven greatgrandchildren Barry never held) have celebrated.  Today Marty and Lincoln join us in Maine.

This gathering of documents—notes, drafts of memorial services, poems, homilies—is my christmas present to each of you.  It is a record, certainly subjective, of grief and rejoicing.

John Copley Alter
1:14 a.m.
Saco, Maine 
November 9

Loved ones,
Barbara Beach Alter died peacefully at 2:55 Sunday morning (today).  Bett and I had the good fortune to be there for the final beating of her good strong heart.  She murmured charcoal.  The nurse who was bathing her afterwards noted how few wrinkles there were, and it is true.
For those of you nearby you may if you want visit Mom in her room at hospice this morning (until noon).  Visit? Darshan? Paying respects?
Bett and I plan to be there around 11:00.
Much love to all. A blessed occasion.

November 10

Matthew 5:13-19
Jesus said, "You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and trampled under foot.
"You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.
"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets; I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth pass away, not one letter, not one stroke of a letter, will pass from the law until all is accomplished. Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, will be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven."

yesterday in the early hours my mother died her saltiness
restored all that had through the months of her old
age and convalescence obscured the lens of her life cleaned
away so that for us now more and more clearly
as we hear about her through the memory and love
of so many people her good works shine forth in
their glory but it is to the days of her
convalescence the days of her dementia I would turn our
minds those of us who spent time with her at
Wingate long-term care facility remember that Barbara Beach Alter became
at times fierce in her commanding us that ‘not one
letter, not one stroke of a letter’ of the commandments
should be altered do you remember that those of you
and us who were given the work and gift of
spending time with Barry in those days in that condition

remember for instance how fussy she became about the sequence
of food on her tray how impatient with us for
our trespasses and violations how adamant that we look forward
for instance and not back at her how she would
say stop holding my hand and saying you love me
you have work to do o she was almost impossible
and certainly incoherent and demented in her obsession with law
and procedure fussy impatient imperious I do not forget being
scolded reamed out put in my place for having somehow
failed to do what the ‘law and the prophets’ demand

Barbara beach alter in the days before hospice in the
nursing home and hospital and even if we are honest
in the final years of her life found herself caught
up in the rigidity of her anxious desire to be
faithful to the laws and commandments of her life and
that made her at times extremely demanding to be with

amen and the epistemological confusion of course the clash between
her reality and ours it was all an ordeal for
her and for those of us who kept her company

and yet and yet through it all and now as
that ordeal for her is no longer paramount as she
dances in heaven all the wrinkles and discomfort of her
life removed and forgiven Barbara Beach Alter kept the faith
living in the midst such that those who cared for
her most intimately the strangers all professed your mother blessed

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

So, brother and sister, here are my thoughts about the memorial service(s).
Let’s find a time when we three can be present; that’s the most important thing.  My life is currently the least constrained by agenda and schedule.  And then the grandchildren, recognizing that Jamie may not be able to come.  So, our work is to find our when our kids are able to come. Bett and I are exploring that with our three, each of whom has some constraint: Emily, the cost; Thomasin, the piebaking demands, Aaron school.  But we are flexible.

Much love.


Walking in my mother’s wake today some trees
a gentle breeze some dogs a little boy
the neighborhood and I took joy from interaction

we are at best a fraction in love’s
calculation after all heaven I realize is not
above or below cannot be taught comes naturally

as death does walking in my mother’s wake
I found new allies learned yet again not
to take myself too seriously to be caught

off guard as a matter of principle and
not to insist that I understand but live
in the midst of forgiveness

in my mother’s wake I am reading these books for
some way to continue to knock on her door Wendell
Berry he can tell me some things and William Blake
he can take me closer and I remember she described
me once as an unused Jewish liberal so I am
reading about protestant liberalism but ham that I am also
reading Carl Hiassen’s Bad Monkey and Quo Vadimus that my
daughter left behind and mythologically Reflections from yale divinity school
no fooling Denise Levertov David Sobel Galway Kinnell’s translation of
Rilke some wake

November 11

Matthew 25:1-13
Jesus said, "Then the kingdom of heaven will be like this. Ten bridesmaids took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. When the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them; but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, all of them became drowsy and slept. But at midnight there was a shout, 'Look! Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.' Then all those bridesmaids got up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.' But the wise replied, 'No! there will not be enough for you and for us; you had better go to the dealers and buy some for yourselves.' And while they went to buy it, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went with him into the wedding banquet; and the door was shut. Later the other bridesmaids came also, saying, 'Lord, lord, open to us.' But he replied, 'Truly I tell you, I do not know you.' Keep awake therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour."

this morning in the wee hours my mother died one
of the wise bridesmaids whose lamp to the end was
full she carried always the flask of oil that is
joy that is the love of the kingdom of heaven
and of the bridegroom a flask always replenished by prayer
by devotion by a humble courageous living in the midst

she expected every day the bridegroom to come in other
words and she was also one who would never refuse
to share even the last drop with somebody in need

and at the end it is so clear the door
into the banquet hall was not closed to her as
it is not closed to any one of us foolishness
is to believe otherwise to believe that the bridegroom will
not come today in the early morning in the wee
hours that is when he comes in the midst of
other plans is when he comes even when we are
doing what we assume to be good work when we
are doing what gives us pleasure our duty joy comes
then unsummoned unpredictable random even according to all our best
laid plans my mother loved so many things her pleasure
included dancing late in her life terminally unsteady she invented
what we loved to urge her to do namely the
sitting jig and we grew up with images of her
Isadora Duncan dancing with white scarves in an enchanted forest

Barbara Beach Alter aka Barry aka dadima bari nani aunt
and daughter wife missionary is now I know dancing a
rollicking boisterous jig on the shores of a lake that
is as her grandson once confided to her god in
liquid form spilly Beach of course also dyslexic executive function
compromised she was but one who loved to be always
in the midst surrounded by loved ones some of them
absolute strangers she shared her oil because for her it
came welling up from an inexhaustible source a deep eternal
well of such illumination and laughter such giddy divine chuckles

for her there was to be no exclusion she would
not find the awful idea of being one of the
foolish applicable to anybody but happily she welcomed into her
midst so many it is hard to imagine how many

so there she is now a bridesmaid dancing for joy
in such elegant clothing with such perpetual brightness

amen hallelujah rejoice

sometimes I think she pulled us all out of the
magic hat sometimes I think she knit us all into
one of her theologically impossible sweaters and then with a
wink she passes through the eye of the needle and
is gone and we are left to play in her
honor endless hands of solitaire sometimes I think we are
no more than the hermeneutics of her life the epistemology
artless she was not her heart like one of those
magical meals for her then a doxology praise then praise
she knows salvation

what is a life’s work it is like a landscape
dotted with oases and gardens for the thirsty and the
lost it is like scraping through dry barren ground and
finding there suddenly not only the theology of paradise but
such seeds your hands ache to begin the planting what
is a life’s work what has been shut for too
long opens what has been shut for too long opens

a life’s work renews itself then with death the kernel
of hope that dies in springtime sprouting is what a
life’s work becomes

November 12

John 21:15-17
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my lambs." A second time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Tend my sheep." He said to him the third time, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter felt hurt because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" And he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep.

I know my mother very much enjoyed having breakfast with
god and that the meals of her nursing home drove
her nearly crazy and that when at last she found
hospice o she again could imagine the feast of heaven
at which Jesus breaks bread with us and speaks with
such clarity do you love me more than these I
know it was questions as simple and overwhelming as this
that dominated her final days do you love me love
being  one of the last five words she attempted to
speak do you love me she wrestled in her last
months with epistemology and psychology and theology and all had
to do with whether she could answer unequivocally you know
that I love you and that she could say of
her life that she had broken bread with god we
all remember in her life those moments when there was
a great gladness an innocent acceptance of what lay immediately
in her presence now those months in the nursing home
tormented her in precisely this fashion that it was hard
to accept to be in the midst of such mediocrity
and woe to be innocent and accepting but now praise
god there she is a happy guest at the great
feast and we left behind bereft can acknowledge that she
loved god in her own fashion as best she possibly
could and do you remember being with her there in
hospital or nursing home and she commanding us to move
beyond holding her hand and saying we loved her and
to feed the sheep to do that work which will
make of this earth this here and now an outstation
of heaven Barbara Beach Alter loved god in her own
fashion as best she possibly could we remember that and
that memory is today like a great network a web
of love and inspiration o we would gladly one more
time hold her hand and say I love you but
we know also clearly I think today what the work
is to love our neighbor as ourselves to work for
peace and justice I think of my sister with her
colleagues in WEIGO and how her sisters have understood her
grief  let us break our fast together then glad for
the worldwide web that in these days is reading the
gospel of the life of Barbara Beach Alter praise god

in exchange for his three denials Peter is given three imperative verbs
this is the commission Jesus after breakfast on the shore of the sea of Galilee gives to Peter
twice he says feed
in the commonwealth of Massachusetts 700,000 people are hungry
1 in 6 americans are hungry
living in uncertainty about their daily bread
more than 18,000,000 in Africa
842,000,000 around the world go to bed hungry

Marty and Tom
The thinking about the memorial service is taking this slow and cautious turn, namely that we have three services (at least), one in Sudbury, one in New Haven (allowing Stan and Chuck and others to come) at First Presbyterian (with Blair Moffett we hope), and of course one in India.
The date frame appears to be somewhere between December 17 and 20, unless you have other thoughts.
The actual cremation happens tomorrow.  Lincoln, Bett, Alexis and I will attend, and then of course there is In the Midst on Friday.
Love you more than tongue can tell.

the thing with a life well lived is that many
people have partaken the way let’s say a river moves
down through any number of different lives all the time
sedulously seeking the shortest path to the sea to steal
a line from somebody or other meandering a watershed within
which so many of us find a way to live
our own lives nourished and for each of us the
river distinct and different white water the slow fertile meander
the delta and we say to each other this is
the composite river

sometimes I feel like a sleepwalker trying to run a
marathon sometimes I feel like a speedbump in a blizzard

an arrow in a wind tunnel sometimes I feel like

a hazard sign in an old age home sometimes I
feel like a tyrannosaurus rex trying to ride a tricycle

and sometimes those are the good days when identity is
strong like an icicle in a heat wave is strong

I try to read wisdom literature at happy hour scotch
and Solomon can’t go wrong I think and sometimes I

feel like crying

November 13

four days ago we were left alone there with your
body after your breathing ceased and the proud stubborn beating
of your heart and in those four days beloved mother
so much I would love to say to you and
share the antics of the squirrel late leaves on the
neighborhood trees music Orion the network the atlas of love
your life has left behind and all the words we
are the gospel of today and I would sit with
you there then in silence as I sit now four
days later vigilant insomniac aware that the kingdom of heaven
is not more complicated than singing than love than dancing

we are all dancing the dance lord siva teaches and
the squirrels know and that is the response all matter
has to that force that drives the constellations

later on
in your life you perfected the sitting jig do you
remember dancing in your wheel chair the few frail twisted
bones of your body caught up in such a foolish
dance do you remember there at the party your life
each day anticipated

we are all dancing the dance lord
siva the lord of the dance the dance the first
steps of walking are and now for you are sure
footed you skip across the boulders of heaven’s deep clear
shore and stand and it is early morning and you

o into the liquid wonder of god and the
squirrels know the last few leaves on the neighborhood trees
Caden Veer knows

in your life later on when what
had been an exclamation mark twisted into such difficult inquiry
you lived in the frail cage of your bones eager
to fly as four mornings ago you flew as each
day of your long life you knew you could fly

in your life later on we spoke together sang together
charcoal do you remember the deep vowels the hard consonant
across the blessed water summoning each to each each of
us charcoal how your mouth in that final moment shaped
again those syllables and you said also the word like
a fallen leaf you said love and were gone and
we in the vicinity of your vacant flesh were still

charcoal charcoal charcoal shantih shantih shantih amen amen amen hallelujah

and now around the world as it turns the echo
of those words the sound of your passing through and
beyond us

when I wake up to Penelope’s great weaving & unweaving I realize I
am grieving the loss of one I

loved deeply and that my identity itself is a tapestry of sorts constantly
weaving & unweaving my identity itself is

not something permanent not somehow chiseled in stone but is like water and
stone and that wisdom and grief are

like water and stone hand in hand dancing today always in praise of
star and atom weaving and unweaving the

fine carpet on which love is today and always dancing love deeply amen

good grief Barbara Beach Alter is dead all the trees in the neighborhood
at halfmast the squirrels gathering the acorns


lament do not be scornful there is some good in hyperbole Orpheus
grieving uncovered the blues love is not

always understated although I know she wanted no fuss she wanted us working
to untie the knot of injustice for

instance she did not want us to shirk our duty in order to
hold her hands & grieve she implored

us in no uncertain terms do you remember  good grief then today amen

what does a protograndfather do beyond doting he would love to tell tales
if all else fails he would love

to play football in the yard and above all else he would enjoy
deploying what few resources he can bring

to bear and yes there can be singing and the ringing of bells
even and yes the telling of tales

if all else fails there is love

happy hour while the kindling of my mother’s bones turns into charcoal is
weird there is nothing in wisdom literature

to help me through this odd stage of the adventure of my mother’s
dying in another culture it would be

different death becomes a beacon for those adrift on the wild waters for
us a cardboard box is shoved through

the furnace door and we are left on the other side of a
plateglass window to make some sense of

things the mind aches with irreverence that love can become like this mechanical

Barbara Beach Alter

There will be (at least) three memorial services to honor the life and love of Barbara Beach Alter.  All are cordially welcome.

On Saturday the 29th of November at 3:00 p.m. at the Memorial Congregational Church, 26 Concord Road, Sudbury Massachusetts.  Barry was a deacon of this church.

On Saturday the 20th of December at 4:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church, 704 Whitney Avenue, New Haven, Connecticut.  Barry was a elder of this church.

And then in the spring in India, where the ashes will be interred.

Peace.  Joy.

Obituary: Barbara Beach Alter

Barbara Beach Alter, born December 17 1920 in Guilford Connecticut to Marguerite Mills Beach and the Reverend David Nelson Beach Jr, died peacefully on November 9, 2014.  Beloved wife of James Payne Alter (pre-deceased) she leaves behind her three children and their spouses, Martha and Lincoln Chen, John and Bett Alter, and Tom and Carol Alter, and her grandchildren, Greg Chen, Alexis Johnson, James Alter, Aaron Alter, Barbara Afshaan Alter, Emily Alter and Thomasin Alter, not to mention her seven great-grand-children.
Barbara (aka Barry) spent her childhood in Connecticut, Massachusetts and Minnesota, as her father served a series of churches.  With her siblings, Judy Nichols, Martha Brickman, Janet Daniels and David Beach, Barry spent a childhood well-known to all who had the good fortune to hear her lively, loving account of summers in Maine, sibling rivalry, music and dancing and laughter, summer camp at Singing Eagle Lodge.
After graduating from Connecticut College in 1942, with a powerful commitment to real peace-making inspired by liberal Protestant theology and the example of Mahatma Gandhi, Barry married James Payne Alter and joined him in a lifetime of service as a Presbyterian missionary to India.  Because of the war the couple spent their first two years in Tennessee, pastoring a church and doing anti-poverty work, where daughter Marty was born.  In 1945 they made the long voyage to India where their two sons were born and where, until early retirement in 1980, they worked faithfully to encourage and support the Church of North India, committed always to civil right and to interfaith dialogue.
Barry was a beloved member of many communities: family, college, the mission field of India, New Haven where Jim and she retired and where she worked as an Interfaith Caregiver, and most recently New Horizons in Marlborough, Massachusetts.  Inspired by a theology of ‘living in the midst’, Barry became good friends with a wide variety of people, sustaining and encouraging them.  Barry is probably best remembered for her kindness and her love of the ordinary, as revealed both in her own experience and in the gospel.
Barry loved other people and she loved the geography of her life—a lake in Maine, the mountains of India--, she loved fashion, she loved travel and is remembered for her unwavering engagement with those around her.  Her delight in conversation, the way she enjoyed meeting strangers, her singing (secular and sacred, Gilbert and Sullivan and Abide with Me, in the car or as a choir member) her good humor, her boundless pride in her grand (and great-grand) children and in the children of others, her playfulness—these are how she is remembered.  "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
For further insight into the life of Barbara Beach Alter please go to In the Midst ( a multimedia documentary about James and Barbara as liberal American Presbyterian missionaries.  Memorial services will be held, as follows.
On Saturday the 29th of November at 3:00 p.m. at the Memorial Congregational Church, 26 Concord Road, Sudbury Massachusetts.  Barry was a deacon of this church.
On Saturday the 20th of December at 4:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church, 704 Whitney Avenue, New Haven, Connecticut.  Barry was a elder of this church.
And then in the spring in India, where the ashes will be interred.
The family may be contacted via email (,, or by mail,
302 Dean Road, Brookline, Mass, 02445.

Loved ones,
As you know we will hold the first of three memorial services on the 29th of November at 3:00 p.m. at the Memorial Congregational Church in Sudbury.  Please let me know what part you might want to play in that service.  It will, at the elder’s request, rely strongly on the sung rather than the spoken word, music rather than prose or poetry—hymns, bhajans, carols, so we do need musicians; but there will also be time for eulogizing, wisecracking, so let me know.  We are working with Tom O’Brien, pastor.

the crematory at st. michael’s in boston is more than a little hop
from the burning ghats of Varanasi it

is a one-stop fastfood fedex death sentence mechanical outrage and leaves you feeling
to be honest like st when the

unctuous undertaker asks if you would like to see the body and you
are shown a cardboard box what theology

explains this conveyor belt what to do then irreverence I suppose express delivery
for god it is a tautology to

say this sucks the crematory at st. michael’s her beloved body burns mechanically

the nature & purpose of friendship in the world after the big bang
is to help us keep our balance

I think we swirl up out of the fecund & hyperactive void and
there you are and I am in

a universe whose laws are simple and two attraction and repulsion squirrel and
tree I said all of this to

my friend and he laughed as friends do his laughter chiming in with
other cosmic chatter so I thought some

more alter the purpose & nature of friendship is to cure your loneliness

gypsies and vagabonds we did for a long time live in one place
until those hills that small river became

familiar to us as my face in the mirror is almost it is
good to know the name of things

to frequent the local businesses to live within some actual weather and in
a watershed that brings your microbes into

balance with your ideology as if it really is original sin to live
abstractly ask any Shinto priest for god’s

sake to give up his shrine he cannot live locally then now here

November 14
Matthew 9:35-38
Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and curing every disease and every sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore ask the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."

this week we honor celebrate and praise the life of
a laborer whose commitment to the harvest began when she
was a girl and when in college she gladly dancing
joined the student christian movement her eyes set on india
long before alter james payne crossed her path o a
fateful encounter for all of us each persuaded deeply that
the call to work for the harvest persuaded by the
good news of the gospel that call and news would
and had already shaped their lives we honor the life
of one for whom ‘the good news of the kingdom’
never ceased to amaze and encourage and guide her sympathy
for the ‘harassed and helpless’ as deeply written as her
love of shoes and fashion knitting greatgrandchildren gilbert and Sullivan
eagerly she allowed herself to be sent out into the

this week we are gathering the harvest of her
life word by word tear by tear the loaded wagons
of memory creaking down the roads of uttar Pradesh east

memory is both the scythe and the crop tart
apples sugarcane potatoes and spinach mustard fields her husband’s camera
captured this week memories have arrived by the bushel by
milkman’s mule on foot facebook she labored mightily did Barbara
Beach in her own fashion and the yield such memories
of kindness encouragement humor elegance the sound of her voice

memory is the yield to which we yield today and
all this week as for her the calendar and timer
change what we now capture of her life is like
the seeds the farmer saves and you and I who
knew and loved her we are the soil into which
those seeds are planted and our memories of her the
rich compost and the seeds and we know that from
the midst of all that we know of her such
a harvest will come is already coming of which our
love for each other is already proof that the labor
was good the news good the compassion good and that
we have now gathered in the ingredients for such an
abundant and tasty feast such a time of rejoicing together

such nutrition all this week as for her calendar and
agenda change we have been with our tears and hugs
and words our dreams unbidden sudden memories acknowledging how without
her labor our own harvest our own fields would cease

November 15
Where have you been old lazy bastard

I have been to where the
weird sisters stir their cauldron of theology

mythology cosmology

what tautology did you find there lazy old

I saw the nurses fold away the dead one’s final clothes the
weird sisters stirred their cauldron of theology

what tautology did you find there lazy old bastard

the weird sisters stir

lazy old bastard you have already said
as much

I saw the dead one’s brittle bones the ghost of touch

you have already said as much old
lazy bastard


The moon talks to the depressed artist

you are either complaining that you have lost inspiration or writing sad songs
that try to drag me along you

get the blues staring at your own reflection in the pond where I
am identified by you with change and

loss here is what one handsome lad observed a thing of beauty is
a joy for ever its loveliness increases

it will never pass into nothingness for instance as if such nonsense equals
wisdom life deceases and then there is

a sequel wisdom and grief conspire

it is good to be back in Maine after a long absence although
you know how odd it feels to

know that you my mother will not claim one of the rocking chairs
nor climb the steep oldfashioned stairs your

presence is nevertheless the door through which we pass to reach this place
from the living room we face a

river you once for a long summer day in your canoe explored with
family and friends I thought time withered

and that arriving here without you I might feel somehow lost was wrong

mom here we are in CVS trying to print out the lovely picture
of you Alexis sent us but it

is a PDF and well that’s wicked hard to make work so we
are having to buy what’s called a

memory stick instead so that soon we will have a 4 by 6
of you to put in the Indian

picture frame we bought today at 10000 villages so that we can have
something like a little shrine in your

honor if that’s okay with you and of course none of this works

high tea and happy hour have a lot in common I suppose with
some few differences sobriety and tea cozies

and there is less likely to be a football game on the screen
in the sports bar but both are

wonderful customs to observe as you at various times did both and even
enjoyed watching the patriots or celtics go

at it so that this evening when your daughterinlaw and your son open
a bottle of inexpensive wine from Trader

Joe’s in your honor we do remember how cozily tea and love arrived

November 16

Matthew 25:14-30
Jesus said, "For it is as if a man, going on a journey, summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them; to one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. The one who had received the five talents went off at once and traded with them, and made five more talents. In the same way, the one who had the two talents made two more talents. But the one who had received the one talent went off and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money. After a long time the master of those slaves came and settled accounts with them. Then the one who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five more talents, saying, 'Master, you handed over to me five talents; see, I have made five more talents.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and trustworthy slave; you have been trustworthy in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.' And the one with the two talents also came forward, saying, 'Master, you handed over to me two talents; see, I have made two more talents.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and trustworthy slave; you have been trustworthy in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.' Then the one who had received the one talent also came forward, saying, 'Master, I knew that you were a harsh man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed; so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.' But his master replied, 'You wicked and lazy slave! You knew, did you, that I reap where I did not sow, and gather where I did not scatter? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him, and give it to the one with the ten talents. For to all those who have, more will be given, and they will have an abundance; but from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away. As for this worthless slave, throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' "

Barbara beach alter had many talents she could dance and
she could sow and she was as the panjabis like
to say a ‘shade on a hot summer day’ who
is now beyond this world of ashes and pain truly
herself as she so faithfully tried to be in her
long life a ‘faithful slave’ one who made good use
of her talents how she loved to dance we all
know that my family has a favorite video of the
elder doing the sitting jig and in her storage unit
we found a suitcase full of patterns for elegant clothes

she loved to sew and was always "Maavan thandiyan chhavan"
as the panjabis like to say ‘a shade on a
hot summer-day’ a tree beneath which we found shelter gathering
to break good bread and hear together the good news

do you remember my sister she made us peter pan
clothes and for you a girl scout uniform and danced
her way through college in clothes of her own making
who is now garbed as angels are as Orion is
the blue herons peacocks the loons of her beloved Maine

one of the talents she invested wisely was the gift
of family of course wherever she went whoever she met
wherever became because she was in their midst family interrelated
god’s children all of us dwelling in the great watershed
of mercy she did not stay still this divinely addled
vagabond allowed no fences to be built between her and
those she encountered stranger or sibling cousin nephew greatgrandchild noble
laureate Barbara Beach Alter was one who to borrow a
word sauntered through this world sans terre homeless even in
any worldly sense but equally at home anywhere when you
got right down to it I remember fetching her from
the airport and she was there in her wheelchair surrounded
by new friends beaming chattering in hindi if she could
the language which at the very end she spoke by
choice always she was I think a citizen of god’s
diaspora one of those for whom the kingdom of heaven
lay always close at hand tangible in the most ordinary
things people and places Barbara Beach Alter invested as best
she could her talents then and at the end as
her heart for the last time beat I know god
welcomed her to where inside each of us she dwells

my mother and my muse are each amused that I today enjoyed potatoes
and cauliflower in the kitchen and not

only on the table well making food for friends will do that for
you and their amusement to be honest is

more delight that at long last I am aware that the ordinary
& domestic are where the portals of

heaven can be found and not in that other abstract place where thinking
things would outweigh love and affection well

tonight as Dickinson might say we watched the pinions of this moment wave

November 17

Matthew 24:42-47
Jesus said to his disciples, "Keep awake therefore, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming. But understand this: if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour.
"Who then is the faithful and wise slave, whom his master has put in charge of his household, to give the other slaves their allowance of food at the proper time? Blessed is that slave whom his master will find at work when he arrives. Truly I tell you, he will put that one in charge of all his possessions."

I can imagine Jesus speaking to my mother and saying,
Barry stay awake she sometimes had that look in her
eye as if a kind of divine insomnia afflicted her

and I know she woke into each new day persuaded
that this would be the day on which something monumental
would happen love for instance and I think she stayed
awake to the end not wanting her house to be
broken into I love by the way the notion of
Jesus as a burglar imagine waking up to his presence

Barbara Beach worked hard if not always successfully to keep
her household in order and heard I think clearly the
voice of Jesus saying to her truly I tell you

and yet for her that voice that being spoken to
that intimate deeply personal conversation did not make her arrogant

she was afflicted particularly towards the end with a kind
of divine insomnia when she slept she slept hard exhausted

I know she woke into each new day persuaded that
love today would find her romantic love heavenly love it
almost did not matter she lived a romantic life eager

and what happened during that new day that day the
lord had made was to her precious beyond words almost

she fell in love with the people she met that
day embracing them eager that the events of the day
be bright and fragrant fraught with possibility alive with good
news she found so much of the ordinary precious beyond
words lived if you will with the sacrament of the
immediate what is right now right here in front of
her that made her for many people almost irresistible their
testimony over this week has been that her presence inspired

encouraged refreshed enlightened embroidered who now if fully alive in
us when for us love is the reality she is
there then one of the stitches a vibrant thread in
the clothing happiness wears and her embrace is evident in
the ordinary moments of our lives when what is immediate
becomes sacramental friendship the patient conversation of trees a child’s
laughter and so it is that eight days after her
heart last beat after she for the last time called
out charcoal we realize Barbara Beach Alter that you are
gone that your canoe has reached that other shore and
that the other shore is mysteriously also deeply within us

Notes from conversation with pastor Tom O’Brien

3:00 p.m. on the 29th; refreshments afterwards.  Do we cater? I thought Soul of India perhaps—high tea.
There will be some charges; he is sending a charge sheet.
Tom O’Brien wants to say a few words.
They can print out a bulletin; could one of you send him the picture from the obituary?
I hope to have the order of service complete by Wednesday, so send me any further thoughts; I’ll circulate a draft.
He expects a good congregational turnout, as is fitting.
Marty, bhajans?

for the eighth-day celebration we made in your honor Barbara beach some chapattis
some daal a vegetable korma of bindi

potatoes and cauliflower south Indian style with coconut milk and an Indian salad
and we remembered how often you would

sit in the kitchen with us and comment comparing our amateur hour attempt
to how you remember your Indian friends

did things or you yourself in your green salad days and we honored
the empty chair of your presence and

drank inexpensive red wine as you know we do and remembered your company

November 18

An Ode to Coffee

we make our morning coffee with beans a good friend roasts and drink
from Karma Coffee cups the shop from

which through her long convalescence we brought my mother iced mocha latte she gulped it down and so on

a cold clear morning in Maine we sip our coffee in honor of
mothers and good friends and the important

ceremonies of the ordinary world and as Emily Dickinson urged we watch the
pinions of the moment as it sails

away across the dark and hallowed water wisdom drinks coffee


I have created a Pandora station that juxtaposes J. Cole and Debussy if
that makes any sense clair de lune

and something about niggaz wrapped around a vintage Joan Baez tune and the
early Beatles not to mention Ravi Shankar

and something about the old rugged cross Beastie Boys Beyoncé and Billie Holiday
sharing the stage of my imagination with

bob Dylan bob Marley the piano of Claude Debussy joining hands with Thelonius
Monk and I remember suddenly your withered

arms dancing there in the nursing home our singing together Abide with Me

Memorial Service, 29th November
In the Midst:
All God’s children got wings

"What does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?" - Micah 6:8
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Welcome.  Pastor, Family
Read a scriptural text:
Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)
23 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
Sing Abide with Me
Swamiji readings:
Return within,
to the place where there is nothing,
and take care that nothing comes in.
Penetrate to the depths of yourself,
to the place where thought no longer exists,
and take care that no thought arises there!
There where nothing exists,
There where nothing is seen,
the Vision of Being!
There where nothing appears any longer,
the sudden appearing of the Self!
Dhyana is this!.[13]
“To come to God is an awakening, awakening to one's self, awakening to Him. There is no coming to God apart from this awakening. There is no ‘God-for-me’ apart from this awakening. God is not an abstraction which my reason could conceive, and so project. The philosopher's God is not God; it is the furthest that human intelligence can project, since it is incapable of reaching beyond the sphere [loka] of abstraction…. God is only found in an awakening.” [1971]
A Journey to Ultimate Understanding, op. cit.
“My wish for you is that the ‘awakening’ which began on that day may lead you more and more deeply to the discovery of this ‘I AM’ in which alone you will meet the Christ, no longer in a memory or in beautiful theological ideas, but in His own mystery, which yourself YOU ARE.”
Letter to a friend (July 7, 1973), in J. Stuart, op. cit., p. 305.
Sing Lord of the Dance
and then this hymn
1. Dear lord and father of mankind
2. Fling out the banner
3. Abide with me; into the woods my master went; galilee bright galilee; once in royal david’s city; o little town of Bethlehem; lord of the dance

Words from community & congregation
Words from children, & spouses (Lincoln)
Words from grandchildren

Another Biblical text:
John 15 King James Version (KJV)
15 I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.
2 Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.
3 Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.
4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.
5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
6 If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
8 Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.
9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.
11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
14 Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.
17 These things I command you, that ye love one another.
and this
Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.

John, I have been thinking.  A few possibilities:

1) Lead all who have gathered in a song/round in both Hebrew and English: "Hinei ma tov” — "Oh, how good and how lovely, for brothers and sisters to dwell together.” It is very simple.  I can sing for you over the phone if you’d like.

2) Lead singing of one of your mom’s favorite songs from my tradition — Oseh Shalom (Grant us peace).

3) Recite kaddish (Aramaic transliterated into Hebrew) and then have all read the English together.

4) Read the poem I read when we gathered around your mom’s body: “Birth is a beginning, death a destination….”

I don’t want to impose my own traditions on the service or your family.  These are all songs, verses your mom and I shared, so I know they were meaningful to her.  I don’t know if they’d be meaningful to others, though.

I can, of course, also play some tracks of your mom singing…or have others sing with her…but I don’t know if that’s appropriate for the service.

I guess, in short, I feel a need to look to you for what you think is best.

A teary morning, here.  Sometimes, it just hits me hard.


Don and Andy
Plans as they are at this moment.
On Saturday the 29th of November at 3:00 p.m. at the Memorial Congregational Church, 26 Concord Road, Sudbury Massachusetts. Followed by a gathering at Marty’s, 302 Dean Road.
Tom flies in on the 16th of December, leaves on the 17th.  We will gather at 302 again the evening of the 16th.
On Saturday the 20th of December at 4:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church, 704 Whitney Avenue, New Haven, Connecticut.  Followed by a dinner for family at a local Indian restaurant.

November 19

there is the gospel of the ordinary of course morning coffee fried eggs
a slice of anadama toast to launch

another day on the saco river in frigid maine seagulls circling wetlands life
in this watershed and there is always

Mozart to listen to  and early light on the shriveled grass these are
the legs we have to stand on

in other words to dance with perambulate slide into trousers and my ordinary
paunch of course under today’s thick sweater

husband and wife at the breakfast table a domestic interior today’s sweet music

November 20

Jesus said to the twelve apostles, "See, I am sending
you out like sheep into the midst of wolves; so
be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Beware of
them, for they will hand you over to councils and
flog you in their synagogues; and you will be dragged
before governors and kings because of me, as a testimony
to them and the Gentiles. When they hand you over,
do not worry about how you are to speak or
what you are to say; for what you are to
say will be given to you at that time; for
it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of
your Father speaking through you. Brother will betray brother to
death, and a father his child, and children will rise
against parents and have them put to death; and you
will be hated by all because of my name. But
the one who endures to the end will be saved."

The gospel does not pretend.  We pretend on its behalf.

We try to pretend that love is innocuous and amicable.

We lag behind pretending that somehow our indolence is god’s
will.  Yesterday I drove the car of indulgence through the
world and I knocked on the door of temptation and
there you were.  You are always there, friend and lover.

Love is not indulgent.  It speaks proudly and well today
and tomorrow and will surprise you suddenly leaving you blue.

One day the door shuts.  You have misbehaved.  The angels
laugh.  You are not invited to the table.  You eat
scraps with the fraudulent and ill-advised, half-heartedly discussing theology and
the law while at the party the band of salvation
plays.  You are shoved to one side and not allowed
to play and all of your bills are overdue.  You
are the stranger people refuse to meet.  Meanwhile the band
of salvation plays and the blessed go on vacation and
loud music crowds into your consciousness.  Yes, you are blue.

This is not what you planned.  You are contraband but
also unimportant.  Overdue, but unimportant.  The door is shut but
what is beyond it what it conceals hardly matters anymore.

Knock on the door.  Yes you are blue.  You are
the star of a minor movie about a minor miscreant
the runt of the litter.  This is not what you
planned.  Overdue, but unimportant.  The door is shut.  You are
no exception.

November 21

Matthew 25:31-40
Jesus said, "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, 'Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.' "

it is right and good and a joyful thing when
the gospel is unequivocal that the judgment is about justice
and mercy that there is a sharp sword that cuts

jesus identifies himself unequivocally with the hungry the thirsty the
stranger the naked those imprisoned and not unequivocally not with
the righteous for whom the identification of the mighty and
the least is always scandalous truly I tell you just
as you did it to one of the least of
these who are members of my family you did it
to me  it is right and good and a joyful
thing that Jesus asserts unequivocally that his family includes the
stranger the sick those in prison the soteriology of this
gospel is social it has to do with the watershed

Jesus radically and unequivocally identifies himself with his family and
makes radically unequivocally clear that his family is made up
of the hungry the thirsty the stranger the naked those
imprisoned and not only those who live in safety well-clothed
familiar ensconced in happy hour and good food no these
the well-fed comfortably lubricated pillars of society the aunts and
uncles even he may well excluded at the end from
the party from the great dance the feast of heaven

surely this is for you and me as we consider
for instance the life of Barbara Beach and James Payne
a challenge it is the challenge of the social gospel

the party the great dance the feast of heaven may
not be for us we may not be blessed Barbara
Beach in her last months wrestled with this issue I
believe struggling with the overwhelming fact that those who cared
for her were of the family of god and that
she was somehow the unworthy recipient of their care this
disparity and injustice deeply disturbed her fed her divinely addled
dementia even she who wanted nothing more than to dance
with the angels knew in however crazy a fashion that
unless the orderlies who changed her diaper were fully included
she would not be allowed or able to dance and
that drove her crazy she wanted all god’s children to
be invited to the party to the great dance to
the feast of heaven surely this is for you and
me as we consider for instance the life of Barbara
Beach and James Payne a challenge it is our challenge

we sit in the living
room en route my mother forgiving us
there is nothing fussy about

death look the falling leaves
shout do not grieve look at our
happy hour how in the

theological twinkling of an eye
we defy for a wonderful moment gravity
depravity doubt anxiety depression those

heavy words so close up
the heavy text and lift a lighter
cup an ordinary enlightenment we

are weaving together then falling
leaves and hear through the living room
window the call beyond gloom

and despair there is room
for gloom and happiness

that time of night
in the winter when
the curtain falls fast
and window becomes mirror

the river disappears beyond
where not long ago
the sun set as
if there is somewhere

intact a world the
sublime comes inward in
other words and here
we are arrived and

in the harbor now
are the great sailing
ships on which now
cargoes of dream arrive

I look out what
is visible in the
looking glass is shadowy
hallucinated the living room

happy hour we call
it in defiance of
all that is gathering

we have a casual feast
of pizza and beer watching
whatever television offers

or the Internet which includes
an article about the survival of
the book on PBS
the pizza is

homemade the beer
what is called
and what television is offering up

is news
we learn about gridlock in
this is how we spend an ordinary

one of the million and more
who are doing something like this
eating some pizza homemade or

and drinking beer
and even if halfheartedly trying
to observe

what appears to happen

Bob Dylan
Ella and Louis
Dizzie gillespie
Some hymns
Some bhajans
Abide with me
Once in royal david’s city
And then there is of course gilbert &
And all the silly songs Bill Grogan’s goat
I’ll build a bungalow
And all the choirs and singing groups she belonged to
Dear lord and father of mankind
Fling out the banner
Raba ki howe sana hamesha
Hark the herald
And of course the dance songs
The sitting jig
Into the woods my waster went
Is some of the soundtrack of my mother’s long life

November 22

John 16:7-15
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. And when he comes, he will prove the world wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment: about sin, because they do not believe in me; about righteousness, because I am going to the Father and you will see me no longer; about judgment, because the ruler of this world has been condemned.
"I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify me, because he will take what is mine and declare it to you. All that the Father has is mine. For this reason I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you."

my mother took to heart what Jesus had to say
the truth she listened carefully and with open ears and
mind and understood that the metaphor of departure and arrival
had to do with the essential nature and rhythm of
the world that righteousness and judgment have to do with
are essential to the pilgrimage of our lives for her
sin was to live as if there is always some
other time and place a strategy of deferral she knew
in her heart and mind that it is enough to
listen because as the gospel declares jesus had always ‘many
things to say to you’  she believed deeply that the
spirit of truth comes is coming is knocking on this
moment’s door she was of the belief that now and
here is when and where the ‘things that are to
come’ happen she lives in daily momentary anticipation of a
great the great declaration which is that you and I
are offered the inestimable gift of salvation and should accept
that gift with an equally inestimable joy to use the
words of CS Lewis whose feast day this is we
should be surprised by joy my mother took that command
to heart and mind and understood deeply that the metaphor
of departure and arrival speaks truth she lived that way
always on the road in pursuit of what that day
the lord’s day would bring she was not overly concerned
about sin except in the largest and most elemental sense

I do think my mother believed deeply in gifts even
as she fretted at times over her ability to provide

she lived on the road a true saunterer and pilgrim

not concerned overly about sin not finding fault in others

and left us all each with her life to ponder

to think about she offered us a way to think

now that’s a challenging statement as she always insisted on
her own dyslexia and executive function deficiencies and god knows
had them but and this is what is worth considering
in the midst of such handicapping circumstances she nevertheless believed

she believed deeply in gifts even as she fretted at
times over her ability to provided she lives on the
road a true saunterer and pilgrim not concerned overly about
sin not finding fault in others and left us all
with her life to ponder to think about she offered
us a way to think

November 23


whoever the muse or goddess of dance may be
Apollo and zeus and for whatever reason
(don’t forget Isadora Duncan) when you those years ago
out of your mother’s womb came
I know your uncle signed on your dance card


your uncle never saw
the finished version of the la leche jig
performed but has always marveled at
how gracefully
you joined the great sisterhood of mothers

as if a dancer joining a sacred dance

(at least the la leche jig)


it is a quilt the angels weave
using your hands and those of
mother & daughter
through the great tapestry of time

how life as a woman is like
a river
leaping on eager bright ankles down
into the fertile watershed



which of course overstates everything

the trick to dancing is to
collaborate with gravity

how well you laugh

delight comes dancing out of
your throat & heart and is a benign

all of it dance and motherhood &
lightly landed


your uncle would ask you one day soon
to plunge into the lake where your grandmother
her whole life long and join
with your glad strong graceful body
the loons
and her memorial canoe

dive deep

this cool water heals


your greatgrandmother on your grandmother’s side
exceled in elocution
your grandmother of course dyslexic and burdened
with doubt
stammered a little
and now you teach others how to have words
dance out of the throat how to make of sentences
a quilt


on these winter nights it is good to pull close
the comforter and to let the day with its verbose
demands subside into that silence in which close comforting we
hear the voice of sabbath rest weaned by death comforted
by love


for forty-three years
you have graced my life
dancing at my wedding
joining me on the frozen lake do you
reminding me always that life can be

avuncular is an adequate and joyful state
selah amen hallelujah


you know better than I do that dancing takes place
always in two spaces inside and out and likewise in
time the sufi mystics spin in order to confuse and
amuse and you your hands in the gestures natraja knew

you know

--for Alexis Chen Johnson and her grandmother

death’s calendar is hard to follow
a swallow swoops out
of the dilapidated barn
small children shout for joy in
the garden
a kitten plays with a ball of yarn

somewhere somebody is fretting about original sin
asking for pardon

an old woman darns her socks beside a minor fire

small children shout for joy in the garden
there is
there is always the need for pardon
for what
wisdom can offer
beside a minor fire
in the joyful
beyond the shut gate
beyond the scoffing bystanders

I want to share her final words with you charcoal
I love you because they contain however elliptically her gospel

charcoal of course in her life not really what remains
of her bones when the oxygen is gone but rather
a lifelong word used in summoning from across the hallowed
lake the fragile precarious craft that will bring her home

the fragile precarious craft that love whose masterwork is the
universe needs in order to cross the treacherous waters between
you and me


a final word the final breathing
the going home

Matthew 25:31-46
Jesus said, "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, 'Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.' Then he will say to those at his left hand, 'You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?' Then he will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

it is easy to imagine chuck forman giving something to
drink to the thirsty and visiting the sick and imprisoned

his family and the family of god are the same
family he knew that as he did the deeds of
his day he did the deeds also of god for
him when he reaches heaven the angels will be familiar

in other words whenever I visited chuck or met him
on the street or heard from or of him I
did not meet a man caught up in self-righteousness trying
to make some elaborate argument with or about god no
he eagerly listened for the answering voice of god and
knew in his heart as his beloved wife knew music
that each day on this earth we are visited by
those who while not perhaps angels are certainly god’s children

his good friend stan Leavy says of chuck that chuck
is anima naturaliter Christiana a man with whom talking of
faith is natural and easy I love to imagine their
conversation here on this earth in this new haven and
also the conversation they will have in heaven with those
who like them are of nature by nature christian there
is in that imagining such comfort and assurance such delight

chuck wore his faith comfortably without pretention as his beloved
wife wore music and shared it as you share with
those you love and with strangers the glass of cool
refreshing water it is hard to think of new haven
without chuck forman for sure and yet well beyond all
of our earthly havens and homes there is of course
heaven that watershed where those who are by nature christians
gather a place of delight assurance and comfort and we
know from imagining chuck there that whenever on this earth
we give comfort whenever we give assurance whenever we take
delight we are ourselves there where faith is natural and
easy as conversation was always with chuck here in our
new haven so we pause for a moment to reflect

without chuck the world is certainly lessened we feel loss
and sorrow and words do not easily come and yet
the gospel reminds us that the kingdom of heaven where
chuck is now happily conversing with all those he loved
and we love is also within us and that if
we listen carefully we will hear again his voice amen
November 24

Rain on a tin roof

is the timpani of my childhood, the jazz drumming, the music of nostalgia and homesickness.  I lay under that peculiar comforter (and source of dread) for the nights of my birth and regularly, annually, for a month or six weeks at a time, whether at home, my mother (who is now dead) singing lullabies or in the dormitories of my school, counting the intervals between lightning flash and the rumble of thunder.  The timpani of my childhood drowned out of course the sniffling of homesick wretches like me.

November 25

Rabb ki howe sanna
Rabb ki howe sanna hamesha
Rab ki howe sanna

1. Rabb ki howe madah sarai,
Uske naam ki sanna

2. Rabb ke ghar mai howe sitaish,
Uski humdoo sanna

3. Jai ke zoor se phunko narshinge,
Barbat been baja

4. Saare milker tali bajao,
Gaao rabb ki sanna May God be Praised
May God be Praised Always
May God be Praised

1.May God be
Praise be His Name

2. In God’s House, may there be ??
Praise Be to Him

3. Play outloud the ??
Play trumpets and flutes

4. Everyone clap our hands together
Sing God’s Praises

A Memo from Memorial

The program is ready to be printed, thanks to the hard work of Ann Boland, secretary.  It looks good, flows well.
Yes to coffee pot and serving dishes.
One round, four six foot rectangular, four eight foot rectangular, tables in the hall.
Yes to a piano both in sanctuary and hall.
1:00 to 6:00 available time, flexible at the beginning, not at the end.  We’ll arrive before 1:00 probably.
We provide flowers.
There will be wireless mikes.
I’m off to Soul of India.

Hooray for us and our side.

November 27

Thanksgiving is for the ordinary—
a stick of butter we don’t have—
neighborhood trees shrugging off snow—

it is like the song
I am listening to by cannonball adderley
for instance—gratitude for what

is right under your nose
and of course for those in their
rocking chairs somewhere we call

heaven and for all the
poets whose songs we know by heart
or could—heaven is ordinary—

it is not an exception—
it is you and I making chowder
and talking about your mother’s

love of tapioca pudding—praise
for ordinary things--

After a storm, the grandmothers shaking out the down comforters of heaven perhaps, the trees again submit their claim to be inhabitants of the watershed, gracefully adapting to their new outfits.  We watch the sunrise up the river.  A moment of pink, and then that sharp clarity of light that is winter.  An Emily Dickinson poem cuts through.

There's a certain Slant of light, (320)

There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons –
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes –
Heavenly Hurt, it gives us –
We can find no scar,
But internal difference –
Where the Meanings, are –
None may teach it – Any –
'Tis the seal Despair –
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air –
When it comes, the Landscape listens –
Shadows – hold their breath –
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death –

We look forward to that afternoon.  It is Thanksgiving.  We are here in our refuge on the banks of the Saco River.  The music we hear is lighter, jeepers creepers covered by Benny Carter—the sitting jig is what my mother who is now dead would do, were she with us.  She is, she isn’t: that ambivalence, what Dickinson refers to as heavenly hurt.

It is hard to read the Dickinson as a teacher.  I do want to teach ‘it’, I do, and over the years have tried mightily.  Today as we eat chowder together, in lieu of turkey and cranberry sauce, stuffing, we are aware, although not addressing it directly, of that ‘imperial affliction’; there are shadows, a kind of spiritual chiaroscuro.  But as they day passes the landscape itself listens less carefully; melts, the trees shrugging off the heavy ermine robes of the winter storm.  Now, it is mid-afternoon.  There, in the distance, death.

After life a story

Kathryn did not know what else to do.  She felt sad.  Her grandmother was dead.  Kathryn did not really know what that meant.  So she did the only thing she knew how to do when she felt sad or very happy.  She walked down to the ocean.

The ocean soothed and amused and delighted her.  She had often walked on the beach with her grandmother, gathering shells, watching the seabirds and the porpoises who swam close by when her grandmother whistled.  She looked carefully for the sea turtle babies.

Memoir, as one of the 13 books, or 13 memoirs

I am writing a memoir of the final months of my mother’s life.  On may 12 she fell, fracturing her femur (I believe); endured surgery, rehabilitation and five months of nursing home care (more on that later), and at the end ten blessed days in hospice.  This memoir could well be an account of hospice, or of the final thirty moments of my mother’s earthly life (we pray daily that this distinction, this bipolarity, between heaven and earth be removed).  Labor, peace.

During her final months my mother often referred to the pornographic ledger, of which of course in this world of ours there are many possible examples.  What was she thinking about?  I think she found the intimacy of having men—strange men, many immigrant—change her, handle her catheter, clean her up, disturbing.  For her the experience of the nursing home may have resembled in some fashion a violation, and not entirely with her as the victim.  She was also, as we all are, often preoccupied by sexual matters.  She died a longtime widow.

My mother died on the sabbath, in the early morning, at 2:55 a.m. eastern time to be exact.  She loved the sabbath, and may well have waited for the day to come, the lord’s day, the day of rest, when god says, this is good, as he leans at his leisure (her leisure), loafing, surrounded by the good people of heaven, and all the saints on earth.  On a sabbath morning, in the hallowed dark, the birdfeeder outside her window still, she labored to catch each breath, her heart stubbornly beating.  Rest.

Let us consider together then this whole matter of death. We sat with her in her final room as her body, step by step, domain by domain, shut down.  Her breathing we watched go from labored, tortured even, to slow to shallow to nothing, to stillness.  And her pulse, so evident in her scrawny threadbare throat, it also slowed down, it fluttered, and was gone.  There were two convulsions.  I cannot say when her imagination ceased, when she thought her final thought.  She spoke a  few words: charcoal—love—I…you.  And died.

Let’s not talk too much or too long about the political situation.  One of my mother’s last words may well have been reconciliation and she worked tirelessly, even in her nursing home bed and wheelchair and often in a demented fashion, for justice and believed overwhelmingly in peace.  Politics mattered.  Her college years were yeasty with protest and a direct challenge to the status quo, in her membership in the fellowship of reconciliation and in the Student Christian Movement.  A theology of engagement, of transformation, of feeding and healing and compassion then.

Lakes and mountain streams mattered more to my mother than the ocean, although when it all comes down there is no obvious way to make such a point.  She enjoyed water in the form of a lake or a mountain stream, without forgetting that each stream is ‘sedulously seeking the shortest course to the sea’, or something like that.  I imagine her canoe turning beyond the farthest point in the lake and down the stream until it becomes a river a delta and is gone at last back into the ocean, amen.

One of her grandchildren, a granddaughter who resembles her grandmother if pictures from her youth can be trusted, is coming to visit her parents for thanksgiving and then for a month.  Grandmother and granddaughter knew each other well.  They shared a small cabin at Birch Knoll for many summers, playing cards together (double solitaire), talking, laughing.   She taught her granddaughter to knit, and they shared together a love for the lake, for its soothing clear water, its loons, the boulders, the birch trees.  When her grandmother died the granddaughter, grieving, flew home.

My mother did not always endorse my wife’s cooking, especially when it came to Indian food.  Now this is not only mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflict about the feeding of son/husband and children/grandchildren, although it is surely that also.  It is also about Indian food.  Both women spent time in India, learning to cook.  My mother spent thirty-five years, my wife three.  My wife is a cook, my mother, well, not so much, so that my wife in three years learned as much or more than my mother in thirty-five.  Says husband/son carefully. 

November 28

tick tick tack tack -- her typewriter - her heart -- winter sunlight -- tick tick tack tack -- dad asleep in the bedroom -- those white-walled, functional bedrooms, north indian missionary -- tick tick tack tack -- we play cricket around the fountain -- bamboo, rock, tree, grass -- hard, hard ball -- bedrooms with only just the necessary curtains and bedspreads -- tick tick tack tack -- letters home - letters from home -- her long new england fingers searching for meaning on the keys - you hit the ball over the compound wall - we take the ladder and climb over to collect it -- next to the mad telephone wala -- tick tick tack tack - dad dreams of mahsheer and mom's legs -- the sun shfits -- now you bowl to me, and the speed of the ball teaches me so much of life and challenge and defeat and victory -- tick tick tack tack - now it stops, and we know it is tea- time - dad will rise, silently, and prepare for his lonely -- no, not lonely - solitary -- evening walk - and you clean bowl me, but i do not mind -- i have faced an over from you -- mom calls out -- rajpur winter -- cinnamon rolls and tea -- tick tick tack tack -- the metronome of memory --  

--Tom Alter

November 29

when your loved one dies
peacefully in her bed your thoughts about
death are not those of

somebody whose loved one dies
violently at the hands of the police
for instance—death comes differently

disguised—although when you think
about it death and birth and love
are at once common and

extraordinary—I consider the library
of death—the many genres—classic and
modern—and all the languages—

always we translate the best
we can—the gospel in all its
versions—and when we gather

together to remember we are
all one family

Charcoal… I love you

In the final moments of her physical life Barbara Beach Alter spoke, or tried to speak, spoke with the final summoning of strength and purpose, these few words, as part of the final conversation of her life:  charcoal she said, the final embers of each syllable, the vowels and

syllables she had listened to all her life, on her thin dry lips.

Do you know the story?

When she was an infant her parents brought her to a lake in Maine, a beloved lake, and to a place, Birch Knoll, that became over the long years of her life and the lives of many of us in this room, hallowed.

Now, Birch Knoll in those earlier days was a camp you could only reach by boat in a time long before smart phones and even telephones, before even the party line some of us remember, so that to get there somehow you had to communicate with those at the camp, those with the boat, and let them know you had arrived (o how eagerly! there, across the beloved water, were childhood and grandparents and blueberry muffins, rocking chairs, all the paraphernalia of paradise),

so you would, one of you, the one with the loudest strongest voice would, call out charcoal

and wait for the cargo of syllables, the vowels—deep, open—and the hard consonant, to reach those gathered on the screened porch, coffee in hand, cards in hand, apron on even,

and you would wait for the response and it would come charcoal the two syllables heavily laden with loons and moonlight,

something like that.


Barbara Beach Alter, it is good and a right and joyful thing to imagine that for you across hallowed water the canoe of eternal bliss has come.


But (and those of you who spent time with Barry during her last tumultuous months know of what I speak] there is in the word charcoal also, at least for me, a wondrous echo of these words from the prophet Isaiah

Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:
7 And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.
8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.
Mom during her final months was often to say the least imperious, in two languages even.  She would regularly for instance bark something like this command
Stop holding my hand and saying you love me…look forward…there is work to do…

What was Barbara Beach Alter’s work?  I love you
The other final words.

And so, on this day when we remember, she would have me say to each of us,
on this day before Advent,
look forward… there is work to do…step forward and say Here am I; send me

Amen… hallelujah…shalom…khuda afiz

The blessing of the small
birds on the branches of this winter—
the blessing we recall of

even the slightest splinter of
a mother’s love—the blessing
of love that is like

the way the morning sun
dresses the river—the spike of sharp
light—wonder—the blessing of

today that is like the
music of a harp whose strings are
love—that theology of presence

the blessing of being far
away even—how in this narrative the
tenses are confused a little—

that theology of presence—abiding
as if god whittles us

Memorial Day

Today is the first of
several occasions when we will formally declare
our love of Barbara Beach

Alter—she would know carefully
each of us of course—not a
teacher exactly she nevertheless declared

faithfully that today is the
day the lord made—carefully then—lovingly
the theology of today is

written—for her no shoving
of wisdom literature into a shopping bag
then—no lovingly she folded each of

us into her arms—her
brag that god’s love is wide and
long and does not waver

amen—that she sought to

when your loved one dies
peacefully in her bed your thoughts about
death are not those of

somebody whose loved one dies
violently at the hands of the police
for instance—death comes differently

disguised—although when you think
about it death and birth and love
are at once common and

extraordinary—I consider the library
of death—the many genres—classic and
modern—and all the languages—

always we translate the best
we can—the gospel in all its
versions—and when we gather

together to remember we are
all one family

The blessing of the small
birds on the branches of this winter—
the blessing we recall of

even the slightest splinter of
a mother’s love—the blessing
of love that is like

the way the morning sun
dresses the river—the spike of sharp
light—wonder—the blessing of

today that is like the
music of a harp whose strings are
love—that theology of presence

the blessing of being far
away even—how in this narrative the
tenses are confused a little—

that theology of presence—abiding
as if god whittles us

December 1

today is something like a
ron Padgett poem—it is also something
like an icecube melting on

a wood stove—and something
like Cannonball Adderley doing autumn leaves—take
your pick or none of

the above—I of course
don’t play the alto saxophone nor have
I split my cord of

word—and the baggy insouciance
of ron Padgett is not exactly my
thing—but each rings a

bell on this advent day—
and the new season dawns—cyber Monday
also rings its bell—let

the shopping continue—I make
my mother’s gift

December 2

in honor of something for breakfast today we make chapattis and curried eggs and
listen to the raga of grief a departure is planned and we talk about
how vagabond we have been in our life nobody pouts we are almost good

in the neighborhood Christmas lights it is advent after all although the merchants claim
each day with a new pseudonym for unbridled greed who can blame them the lame and the halt the marginalized and unhappy the theology of the profit margin
has no need for the widow and orphan amen

December 3

on an icy day early in advent I drive our youngest daughter to the
portland jetport after a detour to scratch bakery in south portland for bagels and
good coffee there is the theology of food always to consider after all she
carries no contraband and makes it through security quickly her text message reassures us

shield her from all danger today her father perhaps halfheartedly prays thinking also of
her grandmother’s passage through what the Buddhists call the bardo we are all travelers

and the passport we carry deep within is love

proclaim the truth and do
not be silent through fear

December 4

when I awake in the
morning light there are theories aplenty to
undo—the ghost of django—

a river to know again—
the chapter on pain—and enough animal
energy—although I am slightly

maladjusted the rising sun is
not so bright that the wisdom literature
on my desk surely resembles

an episode of Charlie brown—
morning light trembles on the bare branches
down towards the river—blanched

bare the bare branches of
my heart—morning love trembles—the echo
of django’s moonglow on the

theologian’s nightstand—is this then
grief’s open book

I obey my happy hour’s command.  Whitman

The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest.
John Muir

Blair, Mary, Maria, Marty—

I attach a mockup (very preliminary) of the service.  It is the service we used on the 29th of December, with some cuts, and is intended only to prompt conversation amongst us.  The service worked very well, in the context of the Memorial Congregational Church and Boston.  First Presbyterian is another matter, being much more surely mom’s home church; and the presence of New Haven friends and family will at once enrich and change the nature of the service.

Maria, can the musical director/organist of First Pres. join us; if so, could she/he look at the service as far as the music goes?

Blair and Mary, let me know what you would like to do, beyond what this service suggests.  Kevin and Afshaan are family; she is mom’s granddaughter (Tom’s daughter).

Marty, I have taken out Cathy Corman and left an opening there for New Haven voices.

Again, all of this is tentative and preliminary.  It stems to some extent with mom’s expressed wishes—the hymns, the prominence of music; and is the bones of what was a moving commemoration.  



O my lack of wisdom
you and I have grown up together
peeking through the hedge at

the grownups pretending to know
more than we could or should and
now today here we are

slouched in the recliner drink
in hand tv remote at the ready
pretending to grieve not knowing

what else to do with
this third party this grief who has
muscled his way in and

now asks you and me
to grow up to know the truth
to sit up straight and

face the music drink cold
water embrace reality

December 6


Barbara Beach Alter loved the Gospels and she loved the lectionary; it was for her, as it had been for her father, something like a rosary.  To come back to the familiar text, knowing that around the world others were also there, on the banks, gave her comfort, and seeing how each time the text is new, is renewed, alive in the moment of hearing and reading.

John Copley Alter
Saco Maine

December 8

Mark 1:1-8
The beginning of the good news of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
As it is written in the prophet Isaiah,
"See, I am sending my messenger ahead of you,
who will prepare your way;
the voice of one crying out in the wilderness:
'Prepare the way of the Lord,
make his paths straight,'"
John the baptizer appeared in the wilderness, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. Now John was clothed with camel's hair, with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey. He proclaimed, "The one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; I am not worthy to stoop down and untie the thong of his sandals. I have baptized you with water; but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit."

I remember like it was yesterday or tomorrow my mother
reading Wind in the Willows to us and now I
am sixty-seven and my mother is dead and today’s gospel
is something like that text how is there a beginning

there is in those early texts we hear with our
mother’s voice her breathing life into the words something prophetic

the voice of one crying out in the wilderness although
for us then snuggled down perhaps under the covers or
on the sofa listening for us that moment of text
voice apprehension even that discovery of character and plot the
power of diction and syntax the music mythology and meaning
belongs to the complicated creation for us of home and
shelter the wilderness apparently for the moment confined to its
place in the narrative none of which of course we
knew then our life at that moment still fragrant with
childhood we did not know that for the woman who
read to us the gospel of toadie and mole wilderness
existed was real as we now in our sixties and
seventies know wilderness exists reading today’s gospel is like that

I imagine my mother reading these words prepare the way
of the lord make his paths straight for the first
time for herself having listened to them spoken from the
pulpit by her father often enough and for the first
time perhaps also in urdu in that far-off land that
wilderness even to which she and her young daughter had
come with her husband also as missionaries although for that
matter not really proclaiming a baptism of repentance but rather
settling down in the midst with a copy of Wind
in the Willows I imagine her as a girl of
eleven or a young woman in college eagerly with paul
Tillich and the romance of the student christian movement for
context reading today’s gospel and now today somehow in heaven
reading as I will Insha’Allah one day read to grand-children
perhaps the story of water rat and mole and hear
in my voice breathing life into syllable and sentence and
see in their eager drowsy fragrant faces again my own
face and hers as she listened once to her mother
reading Dickens and as she now in paradise also listens

there as the spiritual tells us on the other shore

I think of Wind in the Willows as I read
today’s gospel and of how the river for instance is
for me now a river on which real people and
their cargo of narrative anxieties live as well as that
less polluted watershed in which water rat and mole existed

and today deep into this first Advent in the world
without mother and father I realize that the words of
the gospel are four dimensional in that same fashion at
once immediate and transcendental transparent overflowing with meaning the words
of john the baptizer saturated with meaning as if I
can look through them however dimly and see there foreshadowed
the conversation of heaven in which all of the terms
are revalued powerful worthy the thong of his sandals transformed

to read the gospel today is to be baptized with
the holy spirit as in that earlier time we were
baptized by the power of love reading to us for
the first time words alive with imagination and sincerity powerful
transformative words gently at last closing the book and kissing
us goodnight and we slept in the hallowed dark dreaming

December 10, 2014


O my wealth!—am I
prodigal—familiar with swine—one who has
squandered good fortune?—you are

sometimes the loose change in
my pocket—sometimes this gilded credit card—
but always my familiar—my

close friend—my shadow—alter
ego even—will you and

I snuggle together in the
nursing home—reliant on strangers—as my
mother did?—you and I

are parabolic in that fashion—

December 11

Happy advent—what a great season!  I look forward to sharing the service with you.  Have you revised it?  There are two speakers, in addition to immediate family: Stan Leavy, 99, a lifelong friend of my parents, and Sharon Jones, daughter of one of mom’s very dearest friends.  Blair will lead in the singing of Lord of the Dance.  This is a bittersweet time indeed.

December 12

A few days ago Barbara Beach Alter turned ninety-four.  It
is advent.  Forty days ago we were allowed to sit
with her in the hospice room where she died.  It
is advent.  Let us sit together and be still and

remember and allow understanding to come to us in the
manger of the most ordinary.  Barbara Beach Alter attempted a
theology of the commonplace and ordinary after all, to live
somehow in the midst, to forgive.  Ninety-four, a solid innings

they would say in cricket.  Slowly the world spins.  It
is advent.  Sit still.

Matthew 19:27-29
Peter replied to Jesus, "Look, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man is seated on the throne of his glory, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life.

My parents in some fashion joined Peter when they headed out together for Tennessee and India as ‘missionaries’, their mission to live ‘in the midst’ of strangers, of those far away, although for my father India to which they eventually traveled had been for his childhood, home, and I imagine they did, each in his or her own way, talk with Jesus, asking look we have left everything and followed you.

Did they ask what then will we have?  They ended their lives, my parents did, without much of any worldly value, but did they die thinking that they would inherit eternal life?

I wonder.  My mother left her mother and she did leave whatever were familiar fields—New England, a lake in Maine, the life of a young woman in the 1940s in America—for the unknown, the future bright in her eyes and on her face, inspired by theologians and by the Student Christian Movement and by her parents, although I do not know how they really thought about her going to far away.

Tennessee and India, and a new marriage, a child, children, language, culture…they bore the burden of novelty differently, of course, my father returning to the India he had known as a child and where his parents still were at work; he returned in some sense to the familiar, while for my mother it was truly the unknown: the tastes, smells, colors, textures, words.

I don’t expect they were much occupied with what then will we have.  They ended their lives without much; in my mother’s case, papers and books and pictures and of course a wide network of people in whose midst she had spent her life.  She left her mother and father and whatever were familiar fields—New England, a lake in Maine (O how often her memories went to that lake, and on what eager feet she returned when she could, at home in New England as my father never was), and neither much occupied I think with what then will we have.

A Modest Proposal

That we write together a memoir of our life as a family from June 18 1991 to something like the present, in five chunks/chapters/blocks

West Virginia
Lake placid
The united states

We would each take a chunk/chapter/block and write a third-person narrative of the family during that time, which would take all five of us into as full an account as it can.

I am happy to do West Virginia.

The thought is that we each have our chuck/chapter/block written, in rough draft but share-able, by our wedding anniversary, namely June 22 2015, at which point, probably with a good bottle of scotch and perhaps in Ireland, we would read the memoir to each other and together.

This idea came out of conversation this morning—Bett, Emily and John.

Dear bett

I have committed us to some social life.  Tomorrow Jeff; for breakfast, around 9:00, and then possibly in the later afternoon in portland; he has a lunch date of sorts…and sounds eager for company.

Andy Brickman: the 17th in Brookline, lunch on the 20th, and then a visit from Andy and Nancy here sometime between 20th and 24th.

Hooray for us.


December 13

December 12, 2014

That we ask for each of you in this advent season
That we ask for each of you in this troubled world

Peace between strangers
Peace within our hearts and homes

Without brutal interrogations
Without hand guns
Without the violent extraction of fossil fuel

In our midst
The peace of poetry and song
Of good food grown by farmers who love
The earth

For the watershed where
Each of us
Hawk and oyster and all
God’s mammals

The peace
That knows that no wisdom or power will endure
That does not
Embrace the manger
The homeless
Those who wake up on the outskirts of
Our earthly city

The peace
That praises the most insignificant and ordinary

In this advent season
In the memory of Barbara Beach Alter
Whose love for so many of us endures
In the midst

And for all those
Familiar and unknown
Whose pilgrimage has also ended


Bett Aaron Emily Thomasin and John will gather in Saco Maine to celebrate Christmas along with cousin Marie.  There will be an empty chair.

It is good & a
right and joyful thing to string popcorn
and discuss a Christmas carol—

is there a spiritual dimension
to the story of Scrooge for instance—
with old friends and a

niece—husband and wife—in
a rented home on the banks of
the saco river—nothing abstruse—

during the advent season—we
know the parts to play—also of
course a forlorn melancholy note

to play—we do not
glance away from grief—through the window
we love to watch great flocks of

geese—scrooge and his goose—

December 14

avuncular piety—the narrative we
weave—how you are at once little
girl and then what time

whittles—you and your uncle
a rhyme scheme—your visit a bangle
on time’s wrist—avuncular piety—

you ease his anxiety a
little—we remember games we played—feasts—
your visit a yeast in

the dough of this advent
season—all the days and seasons we
have spent together—weaving the

narrative—the theology of simple
things—the dimple in a laughing cheek—
o how urgently we seek

to speak words of consolation—
salvation’s simple truth

--for Barbara Afshaan and her aunt Bett

my brother do not fret your inability to fly around the world at
love’s behest this morning we sat in

the saco maine train station with your lovely daughter a new England winter
day and knew that love’s splinters make

good kindling nothing in this case mistaken my brother do not fret listen
as your brother does to and i

love her on a hard day’s night ice on the river glistens like
tears I hear god’s typewriter hard at

work composing for all of us today’s ghazal we sat
together joyfully grieving

--for Tom Alter

Marty, what a labor of love it is.  It is good to know that so much has survived the culling, that is of interest and worth to all of us.  Tom, your thoughts will be of great use.  Bett and I have thought also of the Presbyterians archives; Conn College; as possible destinations, although my thought at this moment is that we keep this ‘within the family’ somehow.  We might also talk with Cathy Corman; get her thoughts.  Bett and I are happy to do whatever we can, including in January.  Much love.

we watched together this winter day with its posse of trees and the
river its watershed theology we walked out

into its gallery and found the paintings about grief had been infused into
sunrise and sunset and the dunes at

ferry beach do you remember how we sat together then beneficent spiders spinning
again a thing of course is not

what we say about a thing today we allowed ourselves to be taught
such simple truths life is not more

than a door through which coming and going such an amazing crowd amen

some days when I’m not sure where I am east or west north
or south and yet must sally forth

north or south west or east it is the heart only beating that
guides me that heart we heard first

perhaps beating in that place where so much thirst and hunger love despair
first perhaps offered to share with us

a seat beside them on that crazy bus close your eyes do you
not hear as if long overdue that

heart beating amongst the deodar we sat together on that crazy bus amen

--for the members of the class of 1965, Woodstock School, India

December 15

After Annunciation
Madeleine L’Engle
(One of my favorite poems for Advent!)
This is the irrational season
when love blooms bright and wild.
Had Mary been filled with reason
there’d have been no room for the child.

the soundtrack of my life is all over the place it ain’t ‘sposed
to be like that for instance dona

nobis pacem for instance and even perhaps a little Madonna for good measure
my mother treasured on the mission field

jazz in her hymn book Duke Ellington did not yield to John Greenleaf
Whittier briefly she loved music dying to

the blues as transmuted through the trumpet of Louis Armstrong for instance song
birds thronging to the feeder outside her

hospice window there is no heresy the angelic choir singing dona nobis pacem

I wonder if for the angels music

is one of the basic portals between their realm let’s say we call
it heaven and this sometimes s
y realm

we call reality this place where we are so often overwhelmed by fear
and greed and let’s face it mere

apathy  I would love to steer the boat of my attention in that
direction away from this flattened unhappy place

closer to where the portal of music brings us face to face even
with those we grieve for the echo

of the soundtrack of heaven hearts aglow

December 16

when I come downstairs I find my wife listening to a youtube about
crocheting and my daughter actually crocheting and

I want to shout from the rooftops domesticity is not contraband how each
of us reaches for the sun in

our own way that the only original sin is envy perhaps the oyster
resenting the bald eagle the cloister envious

of the quadrille we are made inherently various in other words oddly
assorted body and soul and all the

wonderful subatomic dancing the theology of the commonplace up and down love’s universal staircase

December 16, 2012
Last night Barbara Beach Alter feel and was wedged between toilet bowl and shower stall
in two days my mother turns ninety-two—
the ego’s brittle exoskeleton—
the ego’s bright babble—

qui creavit celum—
who created the heavens—

in your mercy O lord
bless and keep her—
in sempiterna speculum—
forever and ever—

today gathers the congregation of trees
for compline—
gathers her twisted bones—
gathers the last embers of the setting sun—

may there be tonight
in eternum & ultra
a fire blazing in our hearts
to warm her weary bones—

det nobis sua gaudia—

in the midst of her weary bones
my mother’s heart sings…

insomnia—an easy word—
lying awake between the punctuation—
a dependent clause—
none of the rituals of Morpheus work—

compline and homily and
the Lord’s Prayer—
on all the burners what has simmered
wants to burn—

I head downstairs & hear
faintly syllables from my childhood—
that once across the sacred waters of

a lake in Maine summoned
grandparents—now the cry for help
from my mother who has in our narrow

guest bathroom fallen and lies
helpless--a geriatric newborn—
bare-bottomed twisted—and to me
falls the task of righting

this capsized & fragile canoe—
life is good--hallelujah

dance, you motha-fuka, dance! Rejoice in this life, this moment, now—rejoice and
be useful and forgive.  God is asking

you to dance, and you, instead, duck your head down into the thicket
of sleep, and nap your time away,

confined to the ordinary by sloth, by a lack of amour proper.  For
me, a huge tropical depression assaulting my

convention center.  I wake up.  Rejoice!  Amen!

December 17

French toast because it was a favorite of yours I tried to make
this morning which may have been a

mistake o we had eggs enough and cinnamon but the bread was not
quite adequate and the Crisco we bought

for the occasion I could not find I thought butter would do did
it is grief forbidden I made on

your birthday something like French toast the day dawned wet and cold your
daughter-in-law and I watched today open the

door and ask is this theology class I didn’t know what to say

December 17

Happy birthday Barbara Beach Alter.  Attached please find the order of service; it is very similar to the one of November 29th.  Maria and Bill, many thanks. If you have a stated role please confirm with me: Kevin and Afshaan, your music (did you do Into the Woods?; if not, Maria, can your organist play that for us?); Marty, your words and the bhajan (Maria, is there a piano in the sanctuary?); grandchildren, let me know who is going to speak.  I have confirmed with Stan and Sharon.

Life is good.


Maria (and Bill), Bett and I were just remarking on the many memorable/memorial times we have spent at First Presbyterian.  No better place to commemorate the life of Barbara Beach Alter.  Thanks again, both for this service and for all the years during which First Presbyterian nourished, sustained and encouraged our parents.  We will go ahead with what I have thought was the time, namely 4:00 (and I apologize for any confusion I may have created), as this is the time we have announced to the family and friends who are gathering.

“Somehow, not only for Christmas”
John Greenleaf Whittier
Born today (Dec. 17 ) in 1807.
Somehow, not only for Christmas,
But all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others,
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing,
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart’s possessing,
Returns to you glad.
Luke 1:26-38: the fourth Sunday of Advent
In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. And he came to her and said, "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you." But she was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end." Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" The angel said to her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God." Then Mary said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." Then the angel departed from her.

Tomorrow’s lectionary text is from the gospel of Luke and
is the account of the angel gabriel’s visit to a
‘virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph’ namely
Mary who would become the mother of Jesus I can
imagine Barbara Beach Alter tomorrow reading these words she loved
in her earthly life the story of Mary and she
loved even in the loopiest of her final days the
discourse between angels and human beings and so it is
forty days later you and I find ourselves in this
beloved church remembering Barry whose final words were these the
words of her last breath charcoal and I love you
for these forty days those words have echoed as if
as the frail boat of her spirit turns out into
open water she is calling back to us charcoal…I
love you  now the story of charcoal is an important tale

when Barry was a child and her best friend Mary
Lunt and she would happily fish in the hallowed waters
of Lake Lucerne in Maine Barry’s family inhabited in the
summer months a rustic camp on a cove to which
no road ran you reached that camp by boat you
drove to a place across from the camp and the
loudest of you called out charcoal the two deep vowels
and the hard consonant somehow equivalent to the voice of
Gabriel but much less perplexing and the word was a
blessing to hear its echo across the water your heart
opened the fears and anxieties of the year vanished you
felt you had found favor this camp also of course
provided a honeymoon destination Barry loved telling of how she
rowed her new husband the first to arrive took the
boat over to camp to her home her sacred place

when he was young our son Aaron said to his
grandmother of the lake this is god in liquid form

it is good forty days later to hear the echo
of those words again charcoal  and I love you if
as the angel promised there is eternity in the gospel
it is surely in some fashion like this how our
love for each other reigns in our hearts as memory
and more than memory as if somehow love is written
into the fabric of the universe in spite of all
the news to the contrary the massacre of school children
in Peshawar the crazed greedy squabbling of congress apathy and
distraction in spite of all that for Barry and for
us there is an overshadowing power what Gabriel promises as
the ‘coming upon us’ of the Holy Spirit for Barry
that overshadowing that being ‘come upon’ happened in the most
ordinary of ways when you knocked on her door for
instance there in New Horizons and heard her voice call
out in welcome charcoal for Barry the inherent holiness of
everyday of the people she met that day in that
moment was evidence enough of the Holy Spirit she made
no ostentatious claim otherwise believing that the people in whose
midst she found herself even there in the nursing home
were somehow her relatives capable somehow of conceiving even in
their old age I know in her loopiness she did
for a run of days think of herself as ‘big
with child’ and at the end of her time gave
birth to a child who because I could not see
him she happily named ‘the holy spirit’ she refused to
become in other words barren even in that miserable place

for Barry ‘nothing will be impossible with God’ were words
she took most surely to heart with Mary she would
declare herself ‘the servant of the Lord’ that obedience marked
the compass of her life her true orientation even when
the ego and the body twisted her otherwise she still
insisted ‘let it be with me according to your word’

then the angel departed from her now today forty days
later we know that Barbara Beach Alter has moved happily
onto the dance floor of heaven amen hallelujah

An Agenda for Friday, December 19

Bett, Emily and John drive down in the morning from Saco; spend the day; overnight; and in the morning join the New Haven convoy.

Bett and John at the storage unit in Marlboro
Bett, John and Emily visit Aunt Janet Daniels; late morning is apparently the best time; Judy Daniels will have prepped the folks at
• Janet Daniels
• The Gardens Suite G13
• 80 Deaconess Rd.
• Concord, MA  01742
• (978) 369-5151
Marty and John come to a common understanding of the archival materials

Happy Birthday, Barbara Beach….

December 18

John 1:6-8,19-28
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light.
This is the testimony given by John when the Jews sent priests and Levites from Jerusalem to ask him, "Who are you?" He confessed and did not deny it, but confessed, "I am not the Messiah." And they asked him, "What then? Are you Elijah?" He said, "I am not." "Are you the prophet?" He answered, "No." Then they said to him, "Who are you? Let us have an answer for those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?" He said, "I am the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, 'Make straight the way of the Lord,'" as the prophet Isaiah said. Now they had been sent from the Pharisees. They asked him, "Why then are you baptizing if you are neither the Messiah, nor Elijah, nor the prophet?" John answered them, "I baptize with water. Among you stands one whom you do not know, the one who is coming after me; I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandal." This took place in Bethany across the Jordan where John was baptizing.

when you now read the gospel and it uses the
phrase ‘sent from God’ what do you now understand that
to mean do you for instance now drink tea with
that man named John yes it would be good to
now talk epistemology with you Barbara beach alter if that
is still your name it would be good to meet
john in your company and drink tea with honey I
suppose and even more urgently tell me about god and
his sending does that happen more in accordance with astrophysics
than greek mythology are there academic disciplines in heaven i
might ask when you now read the gospel and it
uses the phrase ‘sent from God’ what does that now
mean to you and when the writer of the gospel
of john speaks of ‘a witness to testify to the
light’ enlighten me I know what our astrophysics say about
light a little its speed how it is somehow the
threshold of reality how do you now your mind washed
clean of all dyslexia and executive dysfunction how would you
have us read John’s testimony I would happily talk epistemology
with you and narrative intent are there no priests and
levites in heaven for instance no need for denial and
confession and I hear I do on this dreary winter
day I hear your voice somehow saying something about the
messiah I do not fully understand but listen to the
beatles across the universe and know deep in my heart
which is where perhaps somehow heaven exists after all I
know that question and answer are the only epistemological pistons

have you met Elijah I imagine such a company and
each of you happily spinning the coin I am not
I am no longer perturbed by prophecy by prepositions by
time and space have you met all the prophets then

billy holiday  I am reading the gospel for the third
Sunday of advent do those markers mean anything to you

in heaven tell me about identity I imagine you released
from the catastrophes of self from the endless interrogation the
demand for an answer I imagine you happily aware of
what it means to be your self even as I
know that for some of us you were at least
a little already an answer or at least an indication

what do you say about yourself in heaven I imagine
you and your father and your husband chuckling together about
the intertextual agility of John the Baptist your father who
often referred to himself as ‘the voice of one crying
out in the wilderness’ I would also happily talk with
you do you have a smart phone now talk with
you about authority I would love to hear you speak
with authority and the chuckle I imagine there would be
on the heavenly porch in the rocking chairs the agents
of authority of the status quo how foolish they must
sound yes I would love to sit with all of
you and talk about epistemology and self does John speak
for all of you and now that we are talking
I do realize how sacramental for all of us each
of us those waters were that lake those boulders speckled
egg and bathing rock is your knowledge now of salvation
something like that is salvation somehow that simple something to
plunge into and I realize also that as we watched
you die in that peaceful sanctuary hospice somebody came after
you and now I hear you whispering something about untying
the thong of a sandal and something about worthiness o
it is good to read the gospel with you in
this fashion to hear you quietly insist on the sacrament
of the ordinary of the least the commonplace you say
bend down to wash the feet of the ordinary the
least the commonplace o it is good to read with
you the gospel on this dreary winter day almost forty
days after we watched you take your final mortal breath

the pulse in your throat for the last time beating

the ember of your final words dying out charcoal I
love you today reading the gospel I hear your voice

it is more than an echo charcoal it is a
call from the other shore a summons across living waters

for you in heaven there is no dyslexia the gospel
as clear as the bhajan of your mother’s voice amen

hallelujah charcoal

I would be an agent for the kingdom of heaven
Amen.  I would be one who

Knows that the kingdom of heaven is overdue.  I
Would cry from the rooftops.  The

Kingdom of heaven is nearly here, is nearby, is
Near. An agent of wisdom,

Somebody who hungers and thirsts for righteousness.  I
Would cry from the rooftops.  The

Kingdom of heaven is your destiny.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness:
for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called
the children of God. – Matthew 5 5:6-9

envisioning the future means that we are going through an ordeal of sorts
right now working our way through the

courts of power through a maze of theory and speculation this morning do
you remember the domain of birds outside

our window and on a clear night here beside the river the sidereal
lullaby not that our choices are ethereal

I like the word sidereal and what it implies you and I envisioning
the future in an expanding universe we

need a mission statement that weaves together clearly our two lives then agreed

planning holiday menus with my wife and daughter in our temporary kitchen on
the shores of the Saco River in

Maine it dawns on me that creation is a feast and that original
sin   it does exist   is to refuse

that simple and ordinary commonplace invitation   rigid caught up in our foolish pride
we lose sight of how generous love

can be   outside our windows this morning an unexpected gathering of birds   morning
doves  chickadees  a cardinal  a plump squirrel

there is no mourning then   there is the evening light of another day

it is not hard to dedicate this day to Barbara Beach Alter   after
all laughter was one of her attributes

and beauty another  and with those two in mind it is hard not
to imagine that the small birds this

morning who fought in their gentle fashion for a place in the world
do not admire the reductionist serpents who

hiss   Barbara beach alter swirled a day the way at happy hour we
swirl the ice in our drinks   she

loved the blues as well   and weaving beneath our feet an ample carpet

December 20

my dear brother -- for you to read -- 'in the rajpur winter afternoon, in the holy, muted sunlight, she will always be typing -- the gravel her carpet, her thoughts her wings, and dad asleep in the simple bedroom her pillar -- mom, we love you -- "

I love you
were the final words Barbara Beach Alter
in this flesh
some forty days ago

barely uttered
uttered with the uttermost of her
with her final breath

I love you
so quietly
the tattered end of her lifelong conversation
with each of us
gathered here today

I love you
and the echo of those words
if we still our minds for a moment come
to us
as if from a farther shore

the two deep vowels
ahhhh  ohhhh
and the hard consonant
if you were to utter the word at the top of your lungs
let’s say
it would echo across let’s say a lake in Maine
a lake
hallowed to Barry and to many of us in this room and
if we were there
let’s say in the rustic camp on the cove across that lake
beyond the loons and the islands
we would hear that word
the vowels
the hard consonant
and know
unmistakably that we were being summoned to bring across
the hallowed waters
a boat of some kind
to bring home if only for a summer
those who had traveled from far away
from distant places
to bring home let’s say from the mission field
the girl again
who once in these same waters swam and fished and


a summons then
a calling across deep water

Barbara Beach Alter
in your flesh for the last time forty days
did you hear from the far shore a summons
as today if we still our minds and hearts for a moment
we will hear you call

I love you

be still my heart

today we let the ropes holding your small boat back go you are
nearer now than the farthest star we

think we stand on a shore taking our leave of you today and
may not understand that you are even

as we take leave entering in your small silent ship the troubled harbor
of our hearts there is more to

say of course I could sing the blues for your jubilee for instance
dance go into a trance plan in

advance spin on the head of the needle god uses to weave today

Bharti Singh Aug 2014

Past is rigid
Can’t change
Present is vivid
Hold the rein
Future is ghost
Figment insane


Sridevi Dec 2010

My tenses –
Creep into my soul in unison
...and in a voice
dripping with PASSIVE eternity

Momentarily deafened
I give up on GRAMMAR…

And gather the strewn words


I would need them to fill the gaps...
... in my verse brimming with INFINITIVES...

Jeannette Chin Nov 2011

"I have gotten from there to here"

Its a simple tautology, chant it

either/or an uncertain accomplishment.

From there to there to there until there became here.

This too is fairly obvious,
but still, it seems so strange,

how many times must you be reminded

that you are too ill-equipped 
to string the sequence.

And what about those weak suspicions

that reappear from time to time,
the ones you are
 quick to disregard
out of the fear that you may be a lunatic.

What if they were correct, what
if a moment were nothing more
than a brown package
of stimulus.

They came to you, one after the other
and you what could you do but follow
them, like crumbs in a trail that lead
you further away from home
and into this carnival.
Where people who sing lullabies out loud
carry pistols and globs of color
are merging in all

Wedged in between "there to here"
and "here to there", the laws of tenses
never made this much of a difference.

Babies know this all too well.

That's why they're the last 
we turn to for wisdom. 

But should they ever decide

to permanently stop crying.   

You'll know what they mean by their silence.

Lisa Ann May 4

You prowl upon me.
Your eyes traveling my curves.
I feel your hands caress me, gentle.
Exploring my body like a map.
Your fingertips discovering me.
Locating slowly from up to down.
Uncovering my weak spots.
My body tenses.
I can't help myself.
Chills start displaying.
You reach your final destination.
This is when I let myself go.

WS Warner Feb 2012

Underneath the anger, there are tears. Beneath the fury, there is hurt, a river
of affliction - the day that possibility evaporated. I knew, the moment
it was gone. Telos obscured, like a mist, had left me.

Frost in February, morning at the local coffee house, perseverating, sedate
in privatized, cogitations - certainty dissolves into irony, the transient
collective with predictable cadence and singular objective. Borrowed
energies - preferred anesthetic in defiance of the placid, quotidian horror.

Angst wrapped in skin, clothed in remorse, like a muslin coat unable
to keep me warm, the palette of truculence, dislocated savant,
with guarded aversion - faces enucleating in tacit harmony, the muted tragedy
of the forgotten.

Yoked, the metaphorical satchel, freighted with the sentient debris, sifting
the fuckage, memoirs of failure, privation of venture and honor, objectified as
mere portent. [Existence] - the daily riot, becomes the necessary crucible.

Dissonance and detachment resonate the cultural banality, [being] displaced
by icon; [branding], ideas about ideas, life several times removed,
emblem over essence.

Existential renegade, exploiting the counter intuitive, the paradigmatic prodigal,
favor squandered, in the absonant passage, bearing fruit of the undone.

Bones of contention lament, interminably, like a false friend, present in absence,
perceived in the lack, subtraction, slip-stream - the disheveled
palaver of the broken.

Acutely self referential, misery enfleshed, its own reward, a post-war
discontent inhabiting sorrow, compressed and narrow, begetting
apathy in springtime.

Commodity of youth, the currency of beauty -permuted, commerce of the
ethereal and diaphanous. Human caprice, post-modern fog,
the flattened self,
the enemy of us is us, drowning in the decorum of narcissism.
the fattened calf,
immolating on the sword of autonomy.

Recycled grief, a recursive loop of gestating thoughts, marinating fluidly
within the interpretive grid. Confessional cyber community - exposed wounds
and concrete suffering, abstracted from virtual solidarity, refracted through a
reductive sentimentality, maybe they will ‘like’ it.

Iconoclast in exile, inhaling the incense of barrenness , surrounded by synoptic
drivel in understated - present tenses - alight in the now, axial axioms of the privileged,
who genuflect to the god of unfettered freedom.

Peripatetic intervals of isolation, self-imposed, hidden in a sanctuary of derision,
colliding with immutable otherness , the waters of chaos, calm.
The proleptic display, announcing eschatology. An ancient text written on the interior
expressed in myth and narrative the courier. The carnal and cerebral
arise, rightly flourishing.

Sense thresholds stirring, surprise and turbulence, reverberations of altered
domains merging - the temporal and ubiquity, the indissolubly resplendent
inversion - the invisible made visible. Opaque intrigues subsumed into the
balm of reconciliation - the first shall be last…

©2012 W.S. Warner

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