from the mind of an anxious depressive
from the time i, as a little girl,
dressed up like a princess
[tiara and all,
pouffy, pink dress and all]
listened to my mother tell me
a fairy tale
of a woman who finds
her prince charming,
and is rescued by him,
and lives happily, happily ever after
in a magnificent palace by the sea…
and i, as a brooding teenager,
insecure and reclusive,
[now viewed as ridiculous]
about a woman who finds her
one true Love,
and he rescues her,
and they live happily, happily ever after
in a beautiful three-bedroom home
where they raise two,
and i, as a young woman,
fully aware and adept,
recognizing the world for what it is
as i see it,
seeing love dismantle time,
and time again....
i am fully aware that nothing can possibly last for a happily ever after.
the doubt is consuming,
the wall is well-built and
my heart remains too crippled
to possibly endure the grief that
falling in Love elicits.
Love finds you even if you have
given up the notion of it.
it gallops in on its white horse.
has bright blue eyes.
sparks a smile that can illuminate
my somber heart.
has no regard for my opposition to itself.
is selfish and greedy and exhausting.
it is utterly impossible to avoid
into the black hole
from which i will never leave
precisely the same.
from which i will surrender
a piece of myself
essential to my functioning.
Love sweeps in like a tornado
[destroying everything in its path]
and so the five stages of falling in Love,
and falling apart,
i feign disinterest.
i pretend as if he doesn’t
engross my thoughts
as if my heart doesn’t encroach upon my stomach
when he enters the room.
if asked by a friend,
“why does your face turn bright red
when he dares to utter your name?”
i pretend like she is the insane one
[when i am the one denying my heart.]
i become enraged.
Love has taken control.
the knowledge that i let Love
dismantle the wall,
that i have spent years building,
[brick by brick, piece by piece]
i let him gradually demolish it.
and now i am powerless and susceptible,
and now he has me by the heartstrings.
he holds me in his greedy palms.
i avoid the fact that i am falling,
yes, i am falling.
oh, so deeply for him.
i watch myself fall from such great heights
straight into the ground
crashing through to the
i even pray to God,
the one i'm not even sure i believe in.
i tell Him that i would do anything,
anything just to take back control.
to have two firm hands on the wheel.
to be the driver
instead of the passenger.
i cannot bring myself
to shove off the covers.
to crawl out of bed.
i am miserable and helpless and
he is all i can think about.
he is my first thought
when i am awake.
my last when my mind
finally tires of him,
and i fall into a
fitful night of sleep.
yet, i do not tell him any of this.
he wonders why i am so distant,
so removed from him.
what he does not know is that
he carries part of myself with him
wherever he goes.
when my nerves have finally worn themselves down,
when my heart has reached an understanding with my mind,
when Love does not appear as something to be grieved,
that is when i fall in Love.
never once have i
accepted Love from a man,
Love that could alter
my melancholy mind,
nor have i trusted a man with my heart.
[although i have been forced by Love itself to relinquish it.]
i have been obstinate and headstrong
and refused to give all of myself
in fear of losing myself.
but maybe one day, i will be
rescued from myself.
So young and trite is the day
Born from this new light
Creatures of the dark and mist curl and wither
Only to return by midlight
The rose afar rises and stretches
Bloodshed velvet bleeds its regal glow
Smooth tips and enticing fragrance
Dark greens, stiff and sharp as spines
Beads of water glisten and shimmer
A blood’s true jewel
Thy shadows came in thy’s slithery way
Enveloping Devil’s Beauty
Charcoal webs and silver-black imprints
Spiral and intertwine, death and blood a dangerous omen
Thy Beauty’s velvet lips decay
A cancer slow moving and fast changing
Taking over thy body in one gulp
Last, final tips of red appear before swallow
Accenting and tracing its last magnificent life
Midlight turns to midnight
As the wind wails through the dead
A song, chilling, unnerving to us all
It’s been a long day,
I come home to you,
Long hours having worked me away,
I know all I want is to be with you.
Your smile melts the day away,
Your touch smoothens the creases.
I know you read my eyes,
Spared me the long talk,
Your hands effortless to pull me closer,
Your most magnificent kiss.
You got me wishing the night never end,
You got me wondering if I’m dreaming this moment we’re in.
Just take me into your loving arms my love,
Just extinguish the craving inside.
Then put me to sleep in your warm embrace,
Making the night go on forever.
A master of horrific horror shows,
A fiend of the darkness,
A shadow in the sun,
Magnificent spine chilling master piece,
May you be known for all your gruesome words
And a beautiful mind.
You'll spin an escape one day,
And I hope you refuse it's every ability
To entice you.