"A bartender walks up to a horse..."
Higgs 

A bartender walks up to a horse...
...With a long face!!!

No.
Hang on, that's not it.

How does it go again?

By the way, this is specifically about my wife's inability to remember jokes. I am not one of those idiots who thinks that there are no good female comedians. Want proof?
MARGARET CHO!
If you are not familiar with her work, I urge you to watch her routine called "Gwen". Classic!
"the bartender speaks and it's barely a whisper"
Ashley Brooke Payne 

this dusty old bar

in a smokey bar, drink after drink
it's gave him a lot of time to think
"play a sad song old man
then maybe i will understand
how this world has gone to hell
maybe someday, time will tell
how i ever wound up here
it's already been a year
since she left me, took all that i had
tell me man, how does love go bad?"
the bartender speaks and it's barely a whisper
"it's not my place to say this but i'll tell you mister
the lady you love didn't go by choice
it was you and the drink that took her voice
going too fast down a dark highway
not listening to anything she had to say
you never even seen the other car
too much time in this old dusty bar"
and the man sits, head in his hands
trying to make sense, trying to understand
he can't remember, it's all a blur
just bits and pieces, memories of her
no sleep since, up all night crying
too much blood, as she lay there dying
but this can't be
it's a false memory
silence is the loudest sound
so he orders another round
and the bartender shakes his head sadly

"you wave a restless hand to the bartender,"
Adam Moursy 

the place is packed
and you’re slumped over the oak,
the sauce rushing like a wild river
through your veins.

you wave a restless hand to the bartender,
who answers the call uneasily.
he’s scared,
worried that one more
might set you off.
he pulls your glass away carefully
and motions for the owner―
who comes up from behind,
palms your shoulder,
asks if you’re all right.
he’s big
but his knees are trembling.
he’s even more leery.
a dead drunk in the middle of a crowded place is bad
for business
and an irate drunk is just the same.
there’s a line to be drawn.
though your words are slurred and incoherent,
you somehow manage to convince him that you’re
good enough to carry on.

he backs off finally
and you order another drink,
brood for a minute,
then suck it down,
as the room spins in devilish rounds
and the many faces cast upon you appear fuzzy,
bleak,
subnormal.

you try to stand up,
try to maintain,
stumble into a broad who shrieks in horror
as she shoves you away;
and the next thing you know
you’re done with,
finished―
legs raised,
arms flat,
shot out by the doorman
like a rocket into
the night:

truly
a sight to be
seen.






from Slinking Under the Electric Bulb (2012)

Twenty two years had passed  by

She blinked, and a lifetime had passed

She started this job as a lark

She never thought it would last

Two husbands and rehab were part of this bar

The husbands...her clients all knew

But the rehab, was hers...and hers all alone

Only one in her family knew

She'd been tending bar here for 3 presidents plus

Two popes, two husbands....one queen

There were things in this bar that were secreted away

There were things just not meant to be seen

Say, 4 fights a week for 22 years

That's four thousand six hundred fights

That's more violent acts than one person should see

That's  a lot of just mind numbing sights

As a tender of bar, she was part doctor as well

Serving drinks, and giving advice

She was hit on as well, and most she turned down

But some, they succeeded....some twice

They would come with their problems

spill their guts to this girl

Who they'd probably just met that night

They would tell her their problems and drink a few ales

When they  left, they would be feeling all right

But, Mary...poor Mary would harbour their pain

She'd help them, but could not let things go

They'd cheer up with her talking and 1 or 2 beers

But she hurt, and would leave feeling low

There was always a someone on the tales other end

Who was home, maybe beaten or mad

But, Mary....she talked to the one who'd come out

And she always left feeling quite sad

The stories they told her, she never asked them to tell

But they came and they opened on up

And she as their hostess just listened and served

Whle they sat there, getting full in their cups

She married two men that she met in the bar

Both left wives, and poor Mary was blind

They both charmed this girl, till she was way too far gone

And she learned that love..yes, was blind

She had a young niece, that her sister had left

She was going to school here in town

If there was one person alive who could bring Mary up

Her niece Amber was the proverbial clown

After marrying twice and divorcing just once

Mary vowed not to do it again

But, she was hit on each night

in this bar Down the lane,

by a considerable number of men

Her first husband...a lout, for better want of a term

Was a drunkard, and jealous most days

But she fell for him hard, for his sad tale of woe

And her marriage lasted 91 days

He would come in each night after finishing work

And would berate her for flirting for tips

After leaving the bar, he would beat her at home

Hitting low, just above Mary's hips

Her boss saw her marks whens she was filling the fridge

He kept quiet, but he told her to call

A friend that he had, who would help Mary out

He knew her marks were not from a fall

Before Mary phoned she had incredible news

Her husband had been in a crash

Her problems were over and her bruises would heal

And it all happened ...poof...in a flash

During this time her sister ran off

Leaving Amber for Mary to raise

Though she hated her sister for leaving

Dear Amber she loved, and she helped Mary get through the days

But eight years along, with no outlet in sight

Hearing tales and of other folks pain

Mary reached out and she found comfort in

A needle and a rock of cocaine

for three years she spiked, shooting up every day

spending money she stole from the till

And during this time, she got married again

He seduced her when she had no self will

He knew of her problem and joined in all the same

Just a leech come along for the ride

He would help keep her secret, never telling her boss

Never letting them know she was fried.

Poor Amber found out, she walked in one June day

there was Mary with her coke and her spoon

When she looked at young Amber, she knew she must quit

And she knew that she must do it soon

Pure heartbreak she saw in that little girls eyes

She could see how she thought she would lose

Her Aunt like her mother, gone from her life

Mary knew she would now have to choose

Rehab was chosen, and her husband he left

He found out that this train had now stopped

his free ride was over, his meal ticket gone

You could say that his bubble had popped

Two years clean celebrated, at the bar with the kid

Mary got some good news from her boss

He was retiring to Texas and was selling the bar

And he would sell it to her at a loss

She was now the proud owner of a bar all her own

Three doors down from Giannis on Hope

She would run it precisely, the way she'd been taught

She would run the bar clean, free from dope

She would meet some great people,

Some nights in for a drink

And others that she wished would just leave

She would listen to stories, some good some not quite so much

And others just to  hard to believe

She would make friends with some people  And others she'd ban,

making sure that they left with a start

She'd befriend Harry Cooper, the World War two vet

Who would imprint his soul on her heart

And Amber...yes Amber would come down to spend time

She was fine and was going to school

She was a classical junkie in the dark of her room

And I tell you this girl was just cool

Mary brought Amber up with morals and faith

She would come when her Aunt made the call

She would rather hang out at the bar every night

Than to go with her friends to the mall

Mary made peace with the demons she had

She could leave the folks tales and go home

But, now she had Amber and a reason to live

And she would not have to do it alone

the bar's past Giannias, three doors  down to the right

It's not large but she makes  it make do

There's some music out back from a bluesman as well

Come on down and be one of the few

Be a regular there, join up with the crowd

It's not big but the beer's always cold

You don't have to stay long, but you'll come back again

For it's special....or so I've been told

Tell Mary I sent you, you'll get a free drink

And a free ear to hear of your tale

But, leave your ciggies outside for you can't smoke in here

You can do it outside by the pail.

"And the bartender there was a bitch"
Roger Turner - Poet 

He sat all alone, drinking jim beam and coke

Looking out as the waves crashed ashore

He kept to himself, drinking jim beam and coke

As the storm winds would batter the door

He'd only come in when the weather was rough

Sitting alone, drinking Jim Beam and coke

Looking out at the waves never saying a word

Just this man and his Jim Beam and coke

He'd lived all his life in this sea faring town

Working ships from the time he was ten

He grew up real fast on the high roiling seas

Doing work that was best left for men

His father had run a small fleet of five

Chasing cod up the Grand Banks each year

But as cod stocks declined and the fishing died out

His old man sold off his old gear

One boat was left, a shrimper, it was

It was christened the "Bain of my Life"

It was a jab at his job, but as his dad liked to say

"I named the damn boat for me wife!"

They ran this old boat till the paint was worn off

Fixing nets, running traps and old lines

Catching shrimp, heading home....and time after time

Getting soaked in the stormy old brine

He sat in the bar looking out as the waves

Grew and intensified more

With his Jim Beam and Coke, looking out to the sea

And dried peanut shells crushed on the floor

When the fair weather came, he was never about

He was down by the ships holding court

For as sea farers go and tellers of tale

He was the best one they had in this port

He told of the time that their boat had been hit

By a wave twice as tall as the ship

But his dad kept her up, and they only lost pots

And the "Bain" proved she couldn't be flipped

On fair weather days he would  start out his day

At the Church of the Maritime Witch

It was a small little bar, serving breakfast till ten

And the bartender there was a bitch

At least that's his word to describe Betty Jean

He would call her this name and then grin

For he'd known  Betty Jean for his whole bloody life

She was this old seafarers sister, his twin

She'd run the old bar for about 40 years

Took it on when she lost on a bet

She 's been there ever since and she won't tell a soul

How she lost and why she's never left yet

But, on days like today, she'd shut down the bar

Batten windows and hope for the best

For with 90 knot winds and just plywood and nails

Her bar would be put through a test

So he'd come up here drinking Jim Beam and coke

Watching out to the sea past the break

He watch for the ships coming in from the storm

Seeing just how much sea  they could take

He'd name 40 men who he knew lost their lives

Facing death on the water to fish

But there only was one for  who he'd give up his place

and that was his eternal wish

His son was lost out on the bubbling sea, chasing cod

When they knew there were few

He was out on a ship that was captained by him

and a small, inexperienced crew

His son was swept off by a swell straight from hell

It was two miles long if an inch

He was working the nets when the rogue wave did hi

ttaking his son, two pots and a winch

He'd spent fifteen years searching daily for him

His body had never been found

Davy Jones held it fast in the depths of the sea

To which his sons soul forever was bound

He gave up his search and he never went back

Never fished for a shrimp or a cod

He'd just sit on the dock watching out at the waves

Praying silently this prayer to God

"Please give me my son, so I can bury him whole"

"Let him surface so he can find peace"

"I only ask this, for my sister and me"

"And for his daughter, my dear little niece"

"We've waited for years for a sign...even small"

"Just to show us that your job is done"

"I'll never go out on the water again"

"Regardless of how strong they run"

"I ask you dear Lord, for his body to see"

"So we can consecrate him back to the earth"

"This is all I ask, and I will ask no more"

"Just how much is my dear son's life worth"

With an amen and a smoke to finish it off

He'd head back to his sisters to sit

He'd drink Jim Beam and coke till "the bitch" sent him home

With a hug and a kis and a "git"!

But on days like today he'd watch waves crash ashore

Hoping no more were lost to the sea

Drinking Jim Beam and coke, sittling all on his own

Wishing God would set his son free

If you're down by the docks when the weather is fine

Look for him and he'll tell you a tale

But don't ask about that terrible night

When he lost his young son to a swale

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