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3.6k · Dec 2018
Colors
Emily Dec 2018
I want to say being with you was like coming home, but that seems so over-done.
Despite the truth it holds.
I think maybe I’ll try and speak your language. Because being with you was homemade paint.
Mason jars lining shelves, oil and pigment and a palette of your own creation.
When you ran your fingers over my skin it wasn’t Cadmium red, no, it was more like, the setting of the sun after a hot summers day. Orange so deep it feels like you are going to fall into it. Not Permanent or Transparent. No, it was like a fire, warm and so, so bright. Like the world around me had gone up in flames and I was happy to burn with it.
Or when you laughed, the air lit up like a sunflower. Not Hansa or Nickel or Indian yellow. Think something between gold and the shade of a lemon. Honey, sweet and sticky.
And my heart twisted and turned inside my chest, adapting to the mix of colors, oil dripping into my veins.
When you smiled. God, when you smiled. The world seemed to converge. Nothing made sense. I was spinning in a circle in the middle of a carnival. Too much to process. Stained glass windows at noon, playing out across the floors of the church. Iridescent and never ending.
The only thing that brought me back was your brush hitting the canvas, your voice calling out to me, and then it was green, so much green, like a perfectly polished suburban yard and standing beneath a canopy of trees in August, looking up and up until the sun forces your gaze to turn, and the green depression glass that sits pretty on my mother’s bookshelf. I think of light dancing off an emerald ring, not Viridian or Olive or Sap. Nothing you can find in a crafts store. Nothing that can be manufactured. Only that which can be bended and built from your own mind and hands.
And then you were gone. Twice now you’ve left. And it is blue like I have never known. So dark it feels black if I dwell for too long. Richer than Idanthrone, not quite Prussian. Have you ever gone to the ocean at night, just before a storm hits the coast? Or, went up into the country, where the stars illuminate the world around you and the sky is spread out like a blanket above you? Not Cobalt or Cerulean. No, this blue is only something you can make. Something you’ve brought with you. With your sunflowers and your sunsets and your stained glass.
We talked about the way colors can change when they’re next to each other, next to something similar or vastly different. The way the depths can be altered, and just a little more oil can thin it out.
There is nothing to compare anymore.
Just blue. So blue I can’t breathe. So blue my fingers shake and my head aches.
The blue is okay when you’re there. When you’ve laid your palette out before me, when your canvas is full, and beautiful, and I can’t look away. But now, you’ve taken every other color with you, and left me with blue.
Not store bought or easily replaced.
Your blue. From your words and your touch and your voice.
I thought I saw you the other day, for just a moment, the world exploded around me. All the color I thought I’d never see again. A storm so rich with color, I could have gone blind.
But you’re still gone. And I’m still blue.
to the artist i loved and lost
440 · Dec 2018
You
Emily Dec 2018
You
I woke up thinking about you
In the way the afternoon sun filtered through the clouds
Painting the autumn leaves gold
I looked at the late lavender skies
And saw something magical
When I think of magic and miracles,
I think of you
385 · Dec 2018
I feel everything
Emily Dec 2018
I smoke until I can feel nothing
Because it is better than feeling everything
That's what it is. Everything
My heart is like my head
A thousand different thoughts, shifting and twisting
Changing, over and over again.
And I feel everything.
Always overwhelming, endless emotions
That never dissipate, but only build
My body is too small to hold all of this
It shouldn't be possible
I'm bone weary
Exhausted,
I'm stuck in a current and I can't get out
Wave after wave after wave and I can't catch my breath
The world is spinning above me
And nothing will still
I feel everything
So I smoke until I can feel nothing
Emily Dec 2018
He's got strong, sure hands. Steady with wide palms. My hands always shake, never settle. Twitch and tap and vibrate with an energy I've always struggled to calm. All of me is kind of like that.

I didn't love him, yet. But I can admire art when I see it.
falling in love with your best friend is tricky
336 · Dec 2018
Girl Gang
Emily Dec 2018
Bubble gum and vanilla perfume is what I thought of when I dreamed about girls.
When I imagined myself with my own girl gang. Like in the movies.
Heart shaped sunglasses and matching bikinis.

It is so much better than that.

It is spilled wine and ripped jeans.
Laughter that makes your ears ring and smiles that ache by the end of the night.
She’s rubbing the ashes she spilled into my comforter, and I don’t even care.
She’s drinking a ***** soda out of a mug and stealing a pair of my sweatpants.
She’s teaching me how to properly curl my hair.

Every boy is unworthy.
She gets more beautiful with each passing day.
Intricacies buried deep inside her.
Little pieces of her uncovered bit by bit.

She paints.
She writes poetry.
She has a green thumb.
She likes her coffee black with a pinch of cinnamon.
She prefers foggy weather to sunny.
She loves foreign films.

Only friends who love deeply can fight so harshly.
Only girls who know each other inside and out can wreak such havoc with their words.
Roots tangled together beneath the ground.
Howls that harmonize under the light of the moon.

When I imagined myself with my own girl gang I didn’t realize it’d be a pack of wolves, starving for life and love.
327 · Dec 2018
Dangerous
Emily Dec 2018
You’re licking your lips
And you’re loosening your collar
And I’m trying not to feel like the world is ending
293 · Dec 2018
Queens of Swords
Emily Dec 2018
I think about how I was grasping at straws when you found me,
Desperate to be wanted and loved
I think about how you grounded me
How you’re solid and real
How I don’t wish for you to be anyone but yourself
I don’t dream of idealistic when it comes to you
You bring everything to the table
In your honesty and truth
I think about how you’re good
Truly good
How sometimes looking at you
Being around you
Is like staring at the sun too long
Or being too close to a bonfire
And it’s all too wondrous to fully comprehend
There isn’t a sense of unworthiness
Or insecurities
You’re golden and free
A garden blooming in plenty
And I am there beside you
You make others feel strong
Happy, adored, important
There is no fear, no rejection
You are full; close to overflowing in everything you are
A constant energy
Lavender and sunshine
You’re every small summer miracle
Pollen coated windows that cast patterns upon the floor
Sun shining through lace curtains
Rain falling in the glow of a street light
You’re waves crashing
And crickets chirping
And the haze of dusk
You’re magic, in all its practicalities  
You found me when I was lost
And you brought me back
282 · Dec 2018
Winter Sea
Emily Dec 2018
Golden hour turns to dusk
And thoughts of you begin to pile up
I think about your lips and your hands
and the way you used to say my name
I came to try and clear my mind
to look at tall, golden grass and the winter sea
listen to the wind and the gulls cry
I think about your eyes and your shoulders
and the way your fingers felt running through my hair
I came to try and erase your name from my heart
But all I can think about is you
and your laugh and the smell of paint
and the way the sand felt beneath our feet
266 · Dec 2018
West Meadow
Emily Dec 2018
To the west was the city, towers of steel and concrete that dwarfed even the tallest man, and to the east was the end, where the air turned thick with the scent of hay and soil until you came to an ocean that stretches so far it seemed to fall off the edge of the earth. The salt burned your nose and turned your hair brittle, knotting and tangling it in the breeze that swept off the sea.

But I was not there at the end of the world, instead I had gone north to the sound. Following the twisting roads whose route I had memorized as a child. The radio playing Carole King as though an ode to my mother and the summers she drove under these same canopied trees, past houses of hydrangeas and dahlias until she reached the beach.

I sat along the fence that separated the public from the rich— where lilacs grew thick through the hedges and all I could see were the tiny huts of pale pinks and yellows and blues, a distant memory of the 60s.

The coast was a rainbow of umbrellas and mingled among the sound of the gulls crying and the waves hitting the shore was the laughter of the children and the motors of passing boats.

The cliffs of a nearby port town curved around me, a barrier from the rest of the island. And if I squinted, the grey line of Connecticut seemed almost within reach.

Cirrus clouds lined the sky, intermingling with the foggy blue that melded seamlessly into the water. I felt as thought I was underwater at times, the haze from the heat and the sun blinding as I looked up through the blue to the world above.
a testament to my summer and my favorite place
257 · Dec 2018
The Sun and the Moon
Emily Dec 2018
I see you in the waves that crash along the shore
In cherry blossoms and lavender
And sea shells scattered across the sand

I feel dizzy and overwhelmed

A ship without a captain
The ocean stormy and dark
As I plunge forward
Nothing on my mind but you

You are the anchor that ties me down
Looking up at the world around me
Drowning as I reach towards you

My heart heavy and lonesome and hopeless
Without you around

You are where I want to be

Golden sunshine and summer heat
Shimmering and iridescent and ethereal

Glinting off the ocean and blinding me
With every step I take closer to you
Closer to that ocean floor
To the waves that threaten to swallow me whole
With every passing day

And when you’re there beside me
God, when you’re there
I feel as though I can swim
I can breathe

I see you in the stars
On my drive home
In the setting sun
The world tinted pink and purple

My mind is
Tangled by the ocean air
And the mud beneath my feet
And the bite of your smile

There’s music playing
And I’m high, fuzzy, muddled
Barely able to breathe
Because you’re laughing and
Your hair is curling around your ears
My mouth is dry
And I can’t touch you

I am worlds away from you
Shrouded in uncertainty
My hands shake and my heart aches

Cold and silver and dark, dark blue
Incense burning and windy days and rain pelting against the window

That is who I am

To your peach tress
And your summer breezes
And the taste of blueberries
And the stain of blackberries on your lips

Surrounded by stars
That I cannot reach

Is it ironic that I find myself in the Moon and you in the waves?
And yet, it is me under your control

You are the Sun
And I am the Moon
And everyone knows
They can never be
253 · Dec 2018
Just a Whisper
Emily Dec 2018
He won’t get another chance this time.
I’ll mourn.
Let him haunt me in fragments of memories.
A ghost. A whisper on the wind.
I need to burn sage. Perform an exorcism. Expel him and his voice and his smile, from my mind and my heart.
239 · Dec 2018
My Friend
Emily Dec 2018
I miss my friend. Before the tension built and the tightness in my heart began to bring tears to my eyes.

I miss my friend. He always answered after the first ring. He’d always come right away. Whenever I needed him. Whenever I was helpless and lost. He was there. I never waited more than a minute.

I miss my friend. When the love was simple, and the laughter came in plenty. Quick wit and raucous happiness.

I miss my friend. In quiet simplicity. Music soft and the air reeking of paint, and all we discussed, all we saw, were colors, colors, colors.
235 · Dec 2018
The Kitchen
Emily Dec 2018
There was a fake sunflower stapled to the corner of the cabinet where you first entered; my mother had banged her head on it in her twenties, and my Babcia took the initiative to cover it up from there on. The pots, rusted, and old, and dating back forty years, collected dust atop the fridge. A creaky, old, loud fridge that smelled permanently of kielbasa and applesauce, the light flickering inside, and it stood about five feet too tall for me. Before it, sat a rug, threads pulling loose and the faded face of a Great Dane looking up at you inquisitively. I used to sit on the island, not the kind you eat breakfast at nowadays. The surface was an obstacle course of splinters and softened wood that threatened to split, and the various, torturous tools my Babcia implemented upon her doughs and meats. It smelt like cigarettes, and cider, and all-spice year round; it used to make me dizzy. With the turning of the leaves, returned the headiness of cinnamon as my Babcia boiled sticks in a *** on the corner wood-burning stove, a reminder of times past. The back door that led to the garden never hung correctly, and whined with use every time it opened, whether from the wind or one of us. Dirt, weeds, and leaves were tracked in; galoshes more of a decoration beside the door than ever used practically. I cut my finger once on the pasta maker that was ******* into the counter beside the sink; one of these industrial farmhouse sinks that never managed to **** down the bread crumbs and corn all the way. I had been playing with my cousin’s power rangers in it, much to his dismay. They never were the same after I made them go for a swim. The cookies, usually oatmeal, were kept in a cracked, porcelain rooster that sat strict and unyielding next to the window; more sunflowers there as well, this time on the curtains that were stained despite how many times they’d been washed. I was never very tall, but I was good at climbing. Even in my dresses. And with feet blackened from the garden, I would struggle onto any available surface in that kitchen, and watch as my Babcia worked, knuckles dried and cracked as her hands mercilessly kneaded dough; whether it be for breads, pies, or pretzels. She would coat the pretzel dough in cinnamon sugar and feed me tiny pieces of it, and with a sip of her hard cider to wash it down, I was spoiled rotten in that kitchen. Despite the dust, the rust, the dirt, the clutter; it was my tiny kingdom, with an overloaded dishwasher, wooden spoons that met my backside more often than I prefered, and an ever boiling kettle. I can remember the way the sun would shine through on August nights, just before dinner started at 6:30 pm, the way the evening would cast the entire room gold and green, Stevie Nick’s voice gritty and soft, and the entire house smelled of pierogies and sausage. The adults would be bustling to and fro, and I would pretend to help, when really all I was doing was stealing bits of biscuits and gravy for me and the dogs. I can remember the stillness of early morning, the wafting scent of coffee that flooded the room like steam, I can remember struggling to reach the jam, the familiar ding of the toaster, and my Grandfather’s hands, fat and calloused, pushing me up until I was settled onto the island, and the windows opened as he smoked, the blackest cup of coffee you’d ever seen in one hand, and the gray of his hair turning white in the light of the rising sun. If I closed my eyes, I am able to envision it all. Each speck of dust that danced in the air, every berry stain that became useless to try and remove due to my clumsiness, the stacks of Blues Clues applesauce that took up the bottom shelf of the fridge, and the sight of the vegetable garden just through the back door, bountiful and green and ready to harvest.
217 · Dec 2018
Smile
Emily Dec 2018
Every time he smiled it was though the ground was opening beneath my feet, ready to swallow me whole— a never ending fall, and I was certain I would not reach the bottom, that I'd keep falling, stomach in my throat, heart pounding, breath quickening.
206 · Dec 2018
Listen
Emily Dec 2018
There is something surreal about being alone in the car with a boy you love. Surrounded in the dark of night with the streetlights casting patterns across his skin. He’s smiling so wide you itch to reach over and touch, feel that sublime happiness for yourself. He puts on his favorite song and asks you to listen.

No, shh.
Turns the volume up.

Listen.

The car shakes with the beat, syncing with the pounding of your heart.

And when you put that song on later, laying in bed, your eyes squeezed shut, all you’ll see is the rush of night, the curve of his cheek, the soft spot behind his ear you yearn to press your lips to, his voice, so eager, urging, wanting you to know the song the way he does, and God, you want to. His hands curled around the wheel, reliable, safe, and you think about running your fingers over each knuckle, every callous, mouth open against his palm.

And that song, it will stay in the back of your mind. It’ll come with his smile and the revving of a car engine and lamp light that dances in puddles.
201 · Dec 2018
Trust No One
Emily Dec 2018
Trust no one.
Not even boys with cute smiles.
Not even boys who are so close to being
magic it hurts to look at them.
199 · Dec 2018
An Ode to Honest Men
Emily Dec 2018
An ode to honest men, to men with strength
Men who heal and nurture
Men with magic in their blood and love in their hearts
Feminists, and creatives, and artists
Romantics who look out at a rainy city and see beauty amidst the dark and despair
Men who do not run from what they feel, what they think
Who they are
Who fan the fires of their passion but not let it destroy what they yearn for, but rather bring warmth and light into the lives of those who need it most
Men who think of women as goddesses, queens, suns and stars and moons
Who see women in the white foam of a crashing wave or in the deep, thickened roots of a tree hundreds of years old
Men who can take a women who is cautious, skittish, buried inside herself, struggling to claw through the dirt, men who take a shovel and find her
Grab her hand in theirs and lift them to the air
Who feed the souls of their friends and their lovers with kindness and tenderness
Men who aren't afraid of a woman with a roar, with long claws, and a sharpness in her eyes
Men who stand beside the wolf of every woman and feel graced by her howl
Clarity in their words and truth in their touch
Men who love without inhibitions, who can find intimacy in the quiet moments between friends
This is an ode to the honest men, to men who grow like trees
Up and up and up, stretching their branches and bringing life to the world around them
when you get out of a ****** relationship but have amazing male friends to pick you up
167 · Dec 2018
Lone Wolf
Emily Dec 2018
stay away from men who call themselves
Lone Wolf
brittle bones starved from hunger
blood in their fur and claws blackened with death

men who think they need no one
whose strength dwindles without a pack
desperate and angry and volatile
molotov cocktails that threaten destruction
at every bark, every bite

Lone Wolf, he says
alone in the dark,
limbs frozen from the snow
his cries going unanswered

and when others howl in the distance
he turns his back
empty of touch and love
long abandoned to the night
to the storming seas and the cliffs that echo
with falling boulders and broken branches

stay away from the lone wolves
who snarl at the light
for they will eat you alive at the first chance
steal your life in hopes it will keep them warm
but it will fade and they will be alone again
until the next comes along and tries to lick their wounds clean

stay away from the lone wolves
because they will devour you whole
and blame you for their despair
an ode to lonely prideful men
165 · Dec 2018
Too Little
Emily Dec 2018
Green eyes, dark hair, and pink, pink lips
Weak, naive, foolish
No, no, no.
Do not take the softest parts of me and use them as a weapon.
Turning my beauty into thorns for your own satisfaction.
All of my love, all of my trust, all of these treasures I’ve held so tight to since childhood
Nurtured and grew behind walls I opened for you.
You see innocence as a *******. You see love as something that is cold. Something rare and far between.
Oh, but don’t you know? We all loved freely once, before men like you made it seem hopeless.
Took the light and turned it into poison on your tongue.
Love is not a weakness, trust is not naivety, openness is not foolish.
Your fear has warped what others value.
What I value.
No, no, no.
Do not project your insecurities, your lack of passion onto me.
I do not have too much. It is you who has too little.
164 · Dec 2018
Terrible
Emily Dec 2018
I loved him— in this terrible, grasping way. Like vines wrapping around and around until I couldn't breathe, and the entirety of the wold was minuscule compared to the life inside of him. Because he was universes within universes; stars in his eyes, the sun in his hair, rich and golden and deserving of more than every ounce of love I could possibly conjure.
144 · Dec 2018
Stars in the Sky
Emily Dec 2018
There’s moonlight in your touch and stars in your eyes
Hunger on your lips
You make me dizzy every time your gaze meets mine
Dreamlike and beyond my reach
A boy who outshines the sun
Whose potential stretches across the land
And delves into the deepest blues of the sea
When I look at you, I see wildflowers
Poppies that shift into sand dunes
Because the more you give of yourself, the more you become
Waves crashing onto the shore and leaves shaking in the wind
Brushing together with birdsong
You’re 4:30 in the afternoon on a hot and hazy August day
And I’m captivated, falling, falling, falling
The stars in the sky are reflected in your eyes
I’m helpless to look away
You’re burning through my like whiskey on a fire
I reach for you still, desperate for a taste

— The End —