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When I was young man I feared nothing and no one
for I lived one day at time
didn't look to tomorrow or
back to the
past
Just lived In the moment I was In no fear of growing
old for always thought I'd stay young even though people around were getting older
It's funny how time just passes us
by
In what seems no more than blink of eye
you one day you wake
up and the mirror you once spent so much time looking In
for that once youthful face you don't see any more but all has passed by In no more than what seems like blink of an eye funny how just passes us by
You look In the mirror one and longer like what you see for haven't yourself getting old
My days to short and nights to long without her now I got
used to Helen being here I never saw to  a day that she'd would not be
here
Always thought I go the first so I never planned It any other way so worried how Helen would cope In life without
me
Sometimes, feel ashamed I let my 24/7 caring role for Helen take over me and forgot her loving needs for she very ill and so dependent on
me
A few weeks before Helen sadly passed away somehow we regained our lost Intimacy and the last thing that she said me after making love to
her
She said Johnny you can  make love to me once a week I almost felt honoured she was forgiving me for my fear of Helen suffering so much
In
pain feel so ashamed because I thought through so much pain
her loving needs would no longer be there but all the passion In her kisses and *******  
was all still there but sadly I never had chance to love her that why  again for my sweetheart passed
on
I still so many times at night cry myself to sleep oh why did I let so many opportunities to love her as she
needed slip away all through fear of hurting her and for allowing my caring role to take over
me much too late for me to apologises and  as finish writing my story the tears are flowing
again
I think we a
all have regrets  to one degree  or another I've tried my best In my story to admit my true regret that never got to love again through the pain of her of suffering
A place between Heaven and Earth I live somewhere In-between escaping to fantasy dreams acting my life over again whilst halfway to nowhere
Touching neither Heaven or Earth a place of my own making a place to hide from the world a world In which we are slowly
destroying
That most of us don't won't to see a look Into the very near future that If all of us  don't do something this world will be no more I suppose I feel guilty to maybe thinking we are already to
late
For I'm old and grey and so tired of struggling with lives very existence now my wife Is no longer with me probably have very little time left myself now but I think of our children and what have we
done
To carry on as we are on course for total destruction
leaving nothing for children
no kind a future a world  turned Into rubble the problem being we don't know at what point In our lives we could have prevented this happening at
all
Or Is the case that we would have been stoped by authorities refusing to allow us to Intervene for fear of halting progression of progress preventing people making vast amount of money resulting In power over us all through greed and there own self Importance all I can say Is God help us
all
I suppose I have a quilt that I think It to late to save our planet
power and money have prevented those who wanted to try for fear they would stop progress
Sometime you have to
tell It like Is rather than
to go on pretending and saying telling everybody everything Is well when
In truth In your heart Is telling you  It
not
Spent most of my life before Helen as a lonley pretender when asked how are you doing I'd simply say I'm OK knowing full well this
was never the
case
In truth untill I met Helen I was desperately lonely for no body wanted to know me bullied at school
till the day came that I said to myself enough-enough and I stood my ground and never backed
down
Became the classroom clown they thought they were were laughing at me but now the tables were turned In my favour for they were to blind to see
through my clowning I was now laughing at
them
I guess the moral of this story no matter how badly you're treated bullied at school you stay strong and never back down and never give In find a way
as I did to turn things around In your favour then Instead of world laughing at you the world will be laughing with
you
Stay Strong And Never Give In Find Away To Turn Things Around In Your Favour
Each day of late that passes me bye I feel closer
to Heaven then ever and my sweetheart who reside there waiting for
me
All seems now such a long  time since I last saw her even longer since I held kėr and kissed her Oh God how miss her for I'm know good alone
One day soon I know I be with her for being alone I knew I would struggle she was to much a part of my life like siamese twins we were never
apart
I guess I just could never let her go but Im not feeling  sorry for myself but It makes happy to no
that I'll be with her again soon
For my health and pain slowly losing my memory always forgeting things If God should come calling  I'll be ready to go for I know my sweetheart Is waiting for me and It to with her where I truly belong
Imagination maybe but I feel my are closing fast I don't feel sorry or won't anybody else to
to feel that way I'll happy when Im with Helen again
I just love her to much
When I was a young man
I had but one wish that of to find tme the girl of my dreams no afairs or one night stands but a real relationship
Through child abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother this left alone In the world lack of confidence unable to form any kind of
relationships
Then along came my Angel Helen the only girl ever to give me a chance
the only girl ever to love me where others not even a clance
We fell In love married she gifted me a son but Helen was very ill when I first met her for Helen had been cheated on by her first husband
she had loved himbut he did'nt love
her
She was left with mental health Issues but when she was carrying our son Helen almost became well again but then her health started a downward
turn
Ten years Into our marriage Helen devloped chronic back pain breathing problems unable to walk I became her full time carer 24/7 I was happy to do that for her because I loved
her
Slowly over the years her Independence was eaten away till she was totaly dependent on my help which I was more than  happy to give for I loved her she had given me a life I had never
known
Then she came to the point
In her life when there was no cure for the dreadful pain she suffered  Helen had no quality of life finaly after twenty years I lost her to
Heaven
Ro lose the love of your life tou cannot put Into words to
describe how that feels to lose hhe one you love
We face a life so different now for its a dangerous world we all live In so very far away than the world I grew up In as
kid
Leave your door open to
the street without the fear of your property being stolen elderly people were not muged by hooded thugs for their
pensions
Children were allowed to play as they should before being saddled with the pressures of school life back when I young had no fear of being killed In my
classroom
If I had a chance to live life over again In a time of my choice  I'd go back and live and die In the 50s and 60s at least I have a chance to die In Hospital that hasn't closed It doors to Its patients God help us all
My childhood I suffered child abuse at the hands of my  mother but that aside the 50s and 60s was time to grow up
fresh from the 2nd world war
drab colour no real fashions for the young then we entered the swinging 60s bright colour
fashiin for young mini skirts hot oants at last music for the young It felt good to be alive
Johnny walker Oct 12
And the birds will sing
there beautiful songs for
my sweetheart she Is  resting In peace till summer comes rolling around
again
All though my sweetheart
has passed on to place
where she lays asleep awaiting for me In a place so peaceful free of troubles In
life
And then the birds will sing there beautiful songs for us both they will sing of our love everlasting and devotion
for each
other
Together again we will be side by side just as In life we were never apart and the birds will sing there lovely songs as flowers are laid at our feet
I have a  place next to my wife Helen when time come around I won't to sorry to leave because we'll again for all enternity
Oct 11 · 106
Dreaming My Life Away
Johnny walker Oct 11
Sometimes I dream to much It feels like I'm dreaming my life away dream dream my troubles away leave them all to yesterday
Dream on to another day for I'm khappy to dream my life away In beautiful dreams of my sweetheart I go living the dream
Dream dream such beautiful dreams I'm driffting away wrapped In the arms of my sweetheart blown away In  dreams of
her
Johnny walker Oct 11
The birds will sing again
for my sweetheart when summer comes around
the place where Helen
now dose
sleep
Its to where I'll lay my
flowers and sit and talk to her whilst listening to the birds as they sing there
loverly songs
again
Now winter on It's way so damp cold and miserable
not the place to be but come again the summer I will sit with her
again
And listen to the songbirds sing there songs for Helen cause In summer It's a pleasant place to be but for me another winter to get through
Helen always struggled In winter but come the summer she would come to life
Closed my eyes to yesterday to where my sweetheart seems now so far away
from all those
yesterday's
we
shared
But all those days have all gone now giving way to memories of all our yesterday's I close my eyes and see them
all
Just won't close eyes and go to sleep at every opportunity
I have It maybe night or day for It dosen't matter
anyway
I pretend my sweetheart still sleeps with me that she laid here by my side reliving all our yesterdays whilst we
both are soundly
sleep
I see more when my eyes are closed and fast asleep all my yesterday's
Oct 8 · 38
Memories I Hold On To
Memories of Helen that I hold so dear to me kept In
my heart forever for there's no substitute for
memory
Hold on to your memory for long as you can for when you love someone so very much that you can let
go
Through loneliness day and nights spent now alone memory Is probably the only remaining thing to keep one
sane
I cherish every moment that I spent  with Helen
Oh dreams to where I want to be It to there I'm most happy just let the world pass me by whilst lost In dreams of
yesterday
I'm Sat drinking coffee In a cafe and writing poems about by wife and watching through the window at the world just passing  
by
In what seems like blink of the eye one blink and It's all gone people rushing everywhere but getting nowhere
fast
Since darling Helen has been gone I've learned to live my dreams It to dreams I escape with her the only place we both now can
be
To dreams I go with my sweetheart now the place we can be
In time Should I be forgotten that's ok with me but what does matter to me Is my wife  Is remembered through my poetry
Mother to us all In everything that she did watching over us all like all good mother do brave throughout her life time
Sadly cut short of time for me now the missing year's for now I have to live the remaining years  
alone
My sweetheart who stayed brave to the very end despite the pain and all the suffering
a lady of true
grit
So let my sweetheart rest In peace she deserves her long awaited sleep may heaven keep her safe and the
Angels watch over
her
Hope Heaven takes care of her she gave so much to life with very little In return
Oct 6 · 49
A Mask Of Sadness
A history of sadness that had shown on my face worn like a mask that had disguised the real me and hid me for so many years from the
world
But the day I met Helen was the day that my mask of sadness was put away for good never to be worn again and I began to live life to the
full
No longer felt the need of the mask of sadness to hide behind  for Helen gave me the love that had allowed
me to open up and  become the real
me
Even though Helens been gone near on three years now
she left me with the strength to carry on and not to feel the need to hide behind a mask of sadness for I have my memories of
her
For long I hid behind a mask hiding the real ne a mask of sadness mainly through child abuse Helen freed me
I try to live my life the best that I can without my true love being here hope my tears will eventually dry
truly missing
her
Two years on since she's
been gone that day the light went out my life a light that once burned so bight never to burn that way
again
The pain of loss cuts me to bone for she was my life and
I never thought the possilbily of having to live the rest
of my
life
without her and miss her so
and wish the tears the pain will be no more forever
I miss her my broken
heart will never
mend
Sep 5 · 70
A Girl Called Helen
Oh this girl called Helen who took me from a life
I knew as only
loneliness
This girl who had shown me what love was all about and tought me
the gift of
giving
I have to ask the question what dose become of the broken hearts such as
myself when we have
hearts that never will
mend for once broken
stays that
way
There's no repair or cure for a broken heart for It never
will mend for that's how I
see It and how I feel It to
be maybe there should be
a place where
broken hearts
go
Sep 5 · 199
Bring Them To Justice
How much longer will the disadvantage of this country have to put up with this Idiot Tory government that know nothing of what real life
Is
I listened to the their new statement commended to the house yesterday what absolute carbage do they honestly think the
good
honest
people are going to be fooled by this statement of empty useless ******* well I for one won't be 9 years of osterity we have suffered while they have linned their
pockets
Osterity what was not even nesssary but created so they could punish the poor and vulnerable of our society
just to satisfy the their greed and self Importants shame on them
The countless number of people forced In to debt homeless to face life on the streets children going threw
******* bin for scraps of
food because they going hungry
Because of this government's cruel and unforgiving systems the countless number  of people who have taken their lives because of universal
credit
The oppersition were yesterday afraid to go the all the way to condemning the Tory party but I'm not they have blood on their hand have obsolutly no compassion
And best of all have totally denied It all and can sleep at night there quilt blinded by greed when Is the rest of the world going show some ***** and say this stops
now
Instead like UN saying they are commiting crimes against humanity and then doing nothing I live In hope this so called
government will stand trial when someone other than myself who has the power and the ***** to stand up and say no
more
Sep 5 · 36
Never The Same
All I was to all I am I'll never be again life for
me all has
been
completely changed forIm single again after twenty years and I'm l
lost
Sep 4 · 40
Moonlight
Moonlight shone through a gap In my curtains I lay
there thinking of he all those loverly times
we had spent
together
Thinking to a night a night I couldn't sleep so lay watching her for she
was totally unaware
that I was even
there
Sep 4 · 175
Heart Of Gold
Helen she had a good heart such beauty that came from deep
within
The kindness of her
soul for everybody
loved her so
Sep 4 · 85
Always Together
Helen and I  were so
much In love that we
were never
apart
In all the time we
spent together as
man and
wife
Every Day I try so hard
to motivate but nothing changes every day Is
just the
same
Day turns to night night turns to day lonely the night lonely the
day
Nothing has changed
from the day she was taken sadness and sorrow
lives on within me
Memory
Its been a long time since the last time I held her In my arms
but
Seems only like yesterday
she. closed her eyes and went her way

Heaven Is to where my darling has gone wrapped In
the arms of an
angel
Sep 4 · 29
Clinging To Yesterday
Helen's forever In memory
In dreams at night I'm clinging
to yesterday for as long
as I can for that's all
I have
now
Sep 4 · 95
Gone To History Now
Won't be coming around again what time had was
one time never to be
again
There will be no second
bite of the cherry only
one bit Is all that you
get
No second chance to put
right what one has done wrong can't go back or
even say
sorry
Far to late all said and
done now all gone to yesterday all In the past
now
No going back now nothing
to go back to even If one could do over and done with
gone to history relics of the past
If just one more time I could say Hi to her feel the touch of her hand so soft laid upon me
to look again In her eyes that could melt
me
But no second chance do we get just one time around seems so unfair to me that I have to live without
her
Especially If you given all to religion doesn't seem like a very good deal to me certainly not enough for
me
Will have time and enough warning to get all I need to get done before It's my turn to go my only
worries
For this Is by far my biggest concern and not If I'm here or not would consider that I've had my
time
Not always been lucky In life
but did spend twenty years with my beautiful wife for she was the love of my
life
But Heaven decided to take her from me one day that took any reason away that leaves the question will I
have enough
time
Sep 4 · 50
Before I wake No More
Many tears must I cry before my eyes fully dry or perhaps the tears of loss never dry at
all
Many dreams of Helen I have had but how many more  shall I have before I've dreamed  my
last
Many song play In my head that remind of her every day but to how many morning will I wake before I wake no more
Most of my time now spent thinking what might have been If she were here with me still how different life would
be
I wouldn't have fallen so far from grace as have since she's been gone trying to deal with every day
survival
Fallen apart I'm constantly fighting my way back In order to cope with her loss
with every passing
day
Just becomes much harder
I guess It Is In truth that Helen and I were never meant to be apart
from each
other
Sep 3 · 182
I WISH (DRAFT)
I wish I could have had a little more time with her
I'm not saying you get used
to someone being there or
ever take them for
granted
But you never think one day loosing them the time spent together priceless but comes that day just devorstating
Stunned
almost unreal state of totall shock suddenly the one you love gone forever well I speak for myself but I never got over
this
Sep 3 · 96
I WISH
I wish I could have had a little more time with her
I'm not saying you get used
to someone being there or
ever take them for
granted
But you never think one day loosing them the time spent together priceless but comes that day just devorstating
Stunned
almost unreal state of totall shock suddenly the one you love gone forever well I speak for myself but I never got over
this
Over time my tears have gradually dried probably now done all the crying I'm going to do but one can
never say for sure
sometimes out of
the blue will come
tears
There were times when I
first lost Helen I didn't think
that I'd be able to carry on
but my dedication to her Is pulling me through  
days  I have
left still to
come
Sep 3 · 62
It's Been A Long Time
It's been long time now since
I held her even longer since the last time I kissed her sweet lips and even longer since I felt like a
man
It's been a  long time since I last brushed her hair and even longer since I
made love to her for It
was then I knew I'd become the man In her
life
Amazing how time has just passed me by all my past fast falling away all now seem's
a life time away another world
away
The older I get time goes faster than the day before memory not so good so many things In my head beginning to fade fast
away
Childhood memories are becoming quite vague seems a million years ago almost
as If another
person
And to what I do remember I'm left wondering to where did all the rest go every time I fall to sleep memory fade
a little
more
And soon I guess there will
be nothing of memory left at
all I can't think of anything worse than loosing one's
memory
Rips me apart knowing Helen's no longer here with me Oh god how I miss her   and It doesn't get better with the passing of
time
Some People will say that It dose maybe for them but not for me every time I close my eyes I'm constantly thinking of her all the
time
I see Helen there but can't reach out and touch her or hold her no more  but I feel her spirit around me like she's still here with
me
I still live In our house but can no longer to do anything for her like I used to that's hard for me to face that of
reality a cruel and unkind world
that we now live In and to now have to live It alone makes so. much harder
You have the pain of
grief
Inside you It not just an Imaginative pain It Its real hurts so painful all the
time you cannot break
free
Sep 2 · 52
Foever And Always
I've had many dreams and she'll be forever In my thoughts
we will be together forever and
always
Sep 2 · 63
A River Of Memories
I feel myself drifting away today down a river of memory of all my yesterdays
deep In thought I travel my mind whilst carrying the thoughts of my sweetheart along with
me
A river of memory that flows
so freely one day this river It will lead me to the end of memory to where all dreams and memories join Into one  there my sweetheart Is waiting for
me
So much time on my hands
don't know what do anymore

all I have Is my poetry that takes up some my
day
I used to be so active looking after my sweetheart 24/7 there wasn't anything I wouldn't do
for
It now feels as I'm not apart of anything now desperately trying to find a reason to my still being
here
I guess It's basic survival born Into us all but I think the love that we for each
each other
never dies but only get stronger with the psssing of time the love for Helen
even though she Is gone Is
stronger
than anything In the future could possibly be and I'm happy with this to keep Helen with
me
But for sadness and sorrow
I had plans for tomorow my darling Is gone now along with all my plans for tomorow
Sadness
and sorrow had robbed and destroyed all my plans thought I had a future with my loving
wife
Thought we"d both make It
to retirement how wrong I could be Oh how I miss her
for retirement I now have to do all on my
own
There have been times since Helen left on her journey to
Heaven days Oh so lonely
days I thought I'd never live through or even wanted
to
But  one day right out of the blue came message from a lady so far away friends we became and now till we both go
home
For Terry she shone a
light to where Into the darkness I was fading
fast so now I have my friend who lives far far
away
Terry sends messages that brighten my days for without her I wouldn't
have
made It thus far
for she's  given me a  reason to look forward to each  new coming
day
Helen Was my everything my night and day I just
loved her In every way totally devoted I actually become obsessed with
her
Even though she gone I've now become obsessed with writing poems dedicated to
her none stop writing poetry stories of her life our life together
I remember the first time I walk out with Helen oh so proud I was hand In hand we walked
of
to the park It was winter snow falling fast and laying
deep we sat and we stayed for while
Trees along the river banks
lined up like ghostly figures waiting to spring
from
the shadows so bitterly cold but we were young and didn't feel the cold at
all
But as I looked In Helen's beautiful eyes I knew there and then she'd be mine through
child abuse and
shyness
I
missed a chance to make her mine when I was much younger
Helen had gone
off
and married some guy In the Airforce but but he treated her bad made
her
ill then devorced her purely by chance after many years fate bought us
together
We fell love and soon after I married Helen she gifted me a son I'm so proud of him
his
mother two years gone now but he Is so much like his mother In every
way
When I first saw Helen all those years ago when she was a school girl who used
to
come down to my school and
tease us boys that all those years later she would become my loving
wife
Isn't life so strange you have what you think all  
sorted and you feel secure In life settle down you take a wife
then suddenly all
taken from you
If It
wasn't for my memories
It would be as she was never here and the outside world just carries
on
and you finally accept your loved one has gome and you have to begin over again
knowing It will never be the same but
Survival Instincts
drive me on I know can do
this
to build my life again but still asking how strange the world If It wasn't for my
poem of my
wife
I write, to the world she'd be forgotten even though she has everything to live maybe the world
should take
note
of the ordinary
Individuals
who give everything to life
and get nothing In return
religion
says we should be so grateful to life but religion should be grateful to these ordinary
Individuals
who
spread their love around for It wasn't for them this world would ended long
ago
and I'm grateful to my wife and of all the other just like her we should thank  each every one bless them
all
The ordinary Individuals who never get recognition for their love they spread around the
world If It wasn't them this world have ended long ago
Johnny walker Aug 31
Its taken a long time for me
to find a place of peace since my darling been gone where I escape the pressure of life that have become
to much to
bare
I escape to within myself a place to where only I go
nothing can touch me safe from a world I no longer recognise or really
won't to be part
of
Its as If I'm In glass bubble
I see out but no one see In
hearing and seeing people
hurrying around panicking
but not getting
anywhere
fast
Retired and free of the pressures of working life free at last to do as I please which often means nothing at all but that I'm happy with
the one thing
missing my
sweetheart
Aug 31 · 86
No Fairy Tale Ending
Johnny walker Aug 31
My time with Helen and how we met was like a fairy tale straight
from
a child's book of fairy tales kings and queens
so
Beautiful
It's like we lived In own fairy tale land free from
the
realities
of
the real world our own kingdom for we made
our own
rule's
It seemed we had It made
but just like In sleeping beauty my queen
fell
Into a sleep but I was unable to wake with a
kiss my fairy tale was
over
Johnny walker Aug 31
The passing of time can sometime cloud memory
things of the past become not so clear as If
like a
dream
one starts to think things unreal and did they really happened and was this only In dreams  
Sometime
when awake and and think was all that went before just a dream I had just awoken
from old
age
must be clouding my memory you start to lose the plot of what Is real and what Is not .
for
I'm just old man who growing even okder by the day and who Is afraid of completely losing his
past
Johnny walker Aug 31
I gaze upon the darkened sky I see planes traveling near and far to where they go
I'll never know
to
somewhere carried on the wind where will they be
tomorow
For this I'll never know
while stuck here feet firmly on
the ground people up there I'll never know I'll never get the chance to
fly
only In my dreams
Far to old much to late to close to heavens gate I am but
If I had one
last chance I'd be somewhere up there high traveling on the
wind
Johnny walker Aug 31
I survive this life purely
In hope one day I'll see
my sweetheart once again
trying to live without her now
has been harder than I'd evet thought It possibley would
be
To love and then then loss even
harder so I spend all my days trying to Imagine how our live would be If she was still here with me still brings tears to
eyes
Tears that have never fully dried countless times I've cried but having loved and now having to return a life
before knew my
wife
So much harder now to do for when you've loved and lost Is
harder than to have never loved at all trying to live a life without my beautiful wife Is really no life at
all
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