I'd hear the word
And recoil from it
The thought of prayer
Left me disgusted
How hard it is
To face each day
While gripping nihilism
So intensely that
Your knuckles turn white

What's the point
Of goals and dreams
If everything
Means nothing
And when you die
It's just like it was
Before you were born
You don't exist and
You don't even know it

Why waste my time
Being anything of value
When I can drown myself
In drugs and *****
And still expire
Just the same as you

Yet once in a while
That question would
Push it's way into
My consciousness
"How could all of this be meaningless?"

The seed was planted
And as it grew
It broke through
That existential dread
Leaving just enough room
For hope to crawl in

I started to think that
Maybe there's more
To all of this chaos
Than anything I could
Ever comprehend
And who am I
To be so sure there's not

Then slowly my
Perspective shifted
My mind was open
And I no longer
Viewed the world
As upside down

Though the universe
Will always remain
A mystery
And the truth is something
I will never catch
For today,
I find myself okay
With "maybe..."

I can’t pretend
That you’re my friend
I’ve gotta defend
My side

I’m so ******* angry
You make me crazy
Not gunna back down and hide

Cause I’m fed up
With your games
At least a bully
Has the courage
To talk ****
To someone’s face
But you’re a coward
Your ***** work is done in whispers
Behind turned backs
Well, you won’t stick a knife in mine

Because I’ve changed, you see
Used to take your **** so passively
But this time
You’ll get a parting gift,
A piece of my mind

It’s over now
Don’t try to turn this around
My tongue will give you lashings
Leave you laying on the ground
So I suggest you stay away
No more than “Hi” after today
Put your tail between your legs
There’s no food here for a stray

I just want to
Believe the things
I wrote about myself
On yellow Post-It notes
Stuck to my mirror

What happened to the days
When I could be
Unapologetically me
Liquid confidence and *******
Not afraid
Of anybody’s judgements
Numbing the pain
But now I’m sober and
I’m stuck with just myself
Can’t break free from the discomfort
Of being trapped in my own skin
Insecurities and inhibition
Flowing through me like
A toxic injection
But I’m healthy and
My ****’s in line
Why can’t I give
Credit where it’s deserved
Instead I focus on the
Road that lies ahead
Rather than
How far I’ve trudged
Uncertainty trembles with
Every word
So ******* awkward
And everyone heard
Obsess about it for
Hours on end
As if this cycle of thought
Can somehow change
The way things happened
I tell myself
That nothing could be worse
Than being slave
To a substance
But something’s gotta change
Someone, somewhere
Teach me how to be sane
Or I’ll pick up that shovel
And start digging again