I have no more cash
I will not buy that
I won’t pay the electricity
Let it run out
I won’t pay the water bill
Let the tap run dry
I don’t need any of that
So go ahead, take the doormat.
I have no regrets
I’ll pay the rent
But that’s all
You only need a house and some smoke
Who cares if I’ll be broke
No one cares.
So I’ll sit here and inhale my broken dreams while wondering where it all went wrong.
Because that’s all you can do when you waste yourself away
That's all there's left to do once you’ve worked your ass off to pay the rent and buy some cigarettes.
Why do you need electricity when all you want to do is sit in the dark and wallow in your own self pity.
Thinking about the could’ve beens and the past.
Why do you need water when you honestly don’t give a shit if you die of dehydration.
It would be better than sitting in your torn down apartment smoking until your lungs look just like the ashes in the tray at your side.
Why buy groceries that’ll only waste away with you
There’s no point in paying anything except the rent.
Because when you pay the rent, you pay for your safe haven.
A quiet place where you can wipe away the paint of the day, where the facade can slip until your smile is nothing but aching teeth that haven’t seen a dentist in years.
Till your once bright eyes return to the worn down look of a man who's just seen death.
It’s such a beautiful thing.
Eternal rest, where all of your worries and secrets are lifted from your soul
The body your mother once held thrown in a hole
At a funeral no one would attend because you pushed them away
A body without thought, laying in a bed, with no one crying over the fact that they’ll never make you laugh anymore
Not that you laughed anyways.
Laughing wasn’t something you did, and when you did, it wasn’t genuine.
Every laugh was faked, every smile was fake.
All of it.
The pretty little lies you came up with to impress people.
Bragging about your life when all you’ve ever done was sit in the backyard, sneaking cigarettes so no one would know you had problems.
But they all knew.
They knew your faults and insecurities that you tried so hard to hide away in a dark corner.
You thought that playing the part would make you appear stronger
But it only made you weaker
Weaker in the sense that you would not and could not point out that you needed help.
So when you refused what was handed to you, they stopped offering.
They realized that you were too prideful.
One of the seven deadly sins
And not the only one you so arrogantly displayed throughout your older life.
The wrath you brought upon others.
Little did you know, your defensive temper helped you get rid of your entire life.
Your entire world.
So now you sit and look back at the blurred memories
All of them glamoured with your lies
The ones you came up with to blind you of all of your faults
The ones that made you unwilling to apologize.
So, you’ll smoke.
And pay the rent.
Because as long as you have a cigarette in your pack and a roof over your head, you have some odd sense of purpose.
Then one day someone will stumble upon your sad excuse for a home, and won’t even notice your decaying carcass.
They won’t even care.
Because even though rejection was the one thing you couldn’t bare,
The one thing you couldn’t stand
it was also the one thing you accomplished in your pathetic life.
And your delusional mind makes you laugh
You find it funny
That soon, you won't have money
Then you can’t buy your cigarettes or pay the rent.
And you’ll ask where it all went
Where’s my smoke, where's my money
Why don’t I have any?
And you’ll spend your final moments completely ignorant
And curse the names of the ones you once knew
Because they left you all alone with nothing but some cheap apartment bill and a half empty box of cigarettes.
I wrote this one when dinosaurs roamed, and I always thought it was really cool. So here it is, walking out of it's cave for the first time to feel the sun on it's skin.