I was getting bad again, but it wasn’t like anyone noticed. Some days I wasn’t sleeping, or even worse I started to sleep too much. This horrible nightmare was destroying me inside and out. Some days I wasn’t eating, or even worse I started eating too much. I was smoking to numb the pain, spilling sober thoughts into a blank page. Intoxicated with the madness I do not even understand. Weeks later to find, wanting to know if I was out of my mind because I could not seem to remember writing a **** thing. It was like looking into a strangers mind to find yourself staring back at you in a vanity mirror. This is because I would get so high I could think so clearly, write down these thoughts I never had words to explain. I tried so hard to forget my thoughts, my feelings, the pain. It never truly worked. Only for a little while. Thoughts of a blade going across my wrist and Crimson oozing down my arm seemed to appear more often than not. Yes I am clean, but that does not mean I don’t miss it. That does not mean the thought does not itch the back of my mind every breathing second. I would sit in class shaking, crying, heart throbbing. . Over memories and things I wish I could change, things I never had control over to begin with. I was unable to control my emotions, I was drowning in sorrows that I should’ve overcome by now. I was giving so much power to my pain, too much control to those who weren’t deserving. Giving too much power to the past and denying any strength I had. I was killing myself slowly in the sadness I was enduring, allowing myself to suffocate in night terrors I mistook as dreams. But then things started to change,
once we started speaking again. I started wanting to love myself, I’ve become obsessed with the idea to be the type of person, that a person like you would fall in love with. I find myself smiling at the thought of your laugh and sweet things you have told me. Heart smiling for the first time in years as my eyes slowly close as I listen to the sound of you playing your guitar. The sound of you playing comforts me in ways I’ve never been touched before. For the first time in a long time I felt safe and free at once. “I could fall asleep to this every night” I kept thinking. I kept thinking about you, so far I have not stopped. I keep thinking about how much I want this. Every song has become about you. One look at you and butterflies erupt in my stomach and make my heart jump beats. I wake up each day wanting to push through so I can see you, while it used to take everything in me to get out of bed. You’re making me feel things I didn’t know I was still capable of feeling. It’s been so long since I have felt anything near the way I’m feeling in this very moment. I never thought I could fall so deep for someone like this again, but here I am. ****** off my ***, thinking about you. Only you. This is a moment. This is the moment. This is the moment it finally hits me. I am in love with you. I am terrified as hell, but here I am.
Falling for you anyways.

This is who I hate. It's what I've done that makes me feel this way. It's your voice. it's your lips. It's in the way you stumble whispering I love you through kisses and trying to catch your breath. It's the 3 hour phone calls. It's the broken promises and memories. It's the way you held me. It's how you felt like home. and I've ate away the pain of you leaving and its left me 3 months later 20 pounds heavier and hating myself even more than I did before. it's hyperventilating at 9pm in my bedroom with anxiety throughout my whole body, Its my arms shaking, it's  a weight on my chest, it's butterflies suffocating my throat. it's hysterically crying with a blade in one hand and pills in the other. it's the phone ringing the very second I go to drag the blade across my arm with your name popped up on the screen even though we haven't talked in months. you dialed my number because you simply felt as if something were wrong. It's my mind screaming it's a coincidence but hearts aching whispering love. I'm numb. The bottle of alcohol on the floor is empty and a cigarette I stole from my mom while sleeping is all burnt out. Burnt out like the words you wrote when we first met in the fires we'd gaze at for hours. Those beautiful flames have nothing on the colors of your eyes. Forever changing with how you feel in that exact moment.
It's the fact that I'll always love you. It's how your silence comforts me in ways none of my friends words even know how. It's the fact that none of my friends even notice or ask but you just knew.   This is me unable to move on from what used to be. But this is not about you. I did this to myself, I destroyed myself day by day with all the dumb decisions I continue to make. Regret regret regret. This is me today, this is who I have become. This is who I hate. This is the girl cussing out a teacher. This is missing 47 days of school this year and failing 5 classes. This is ******* out friends and getting upset over stupid things. This is holding on to the past. This is becoming the person I swore I'd never be. This is who I hate. This is not me. But it's what I've let myself become. I hate the person staring back at he mirror. It's hating the person you see, because you don't recognize your own reflection.
This is to my soul, my heart, my mind. I want to be free, this is why I want to be in the stars.