Here I go again
Back on the train
Going in the opposite direction
Of my home
I have been here before
I know this pain too well
Home ridden
He no longer wants me around
In exile - from my own home
Stateless
Anxious
Panic rises
As I carried that heavy suitcase on my way to the train station
I heard my own sighs
Be strong be strong now
I tell myself as I gasp my way another step further
Keep walking
Don't break

I am not afraid of the depression anymore
I am a warrior
This is my body protesting the trauma and the injustice
I was born to stand up
For all the worlds mothers and daughters, sisters, aunties, fathers, cousins
My body is just trying to say listen to me now please
This pain cant be processed if you keep your eyes and mouth shut
Just listen in to the inner child
Nobody did
So you must
Only then can you help the others

No this is not true! I have to help them
Mine was nothing compared to others
Clouds rapidly gather
The thoughts become over whelming
I feel like vomiting and hear my stomach rumble
I am overwhelmed
Did it really happen to me?
Its not true!
Its not true!
So I numb body this morning as usual
With another spliff

In silence we mourn for now
Its just how it goes
Everyone that knows wonder how I can be functional
They say I am a survivor, an inspiration
Huh?
Truth is the real pain has begun only 10 years after
And I haven't been to work  much these days
I am a survivor but I am not functioning, I never did
Like i used to write back then in my diary
I was on autopilot
Destination - self destruction

Its not easy and I am just at the beginning of the end of this chapter

But I am no longer afraid of the depression

I think I am going insane.
the definition of insanity
in·san·i·ty
/inˈsanədē/
noun
insanity:
the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness
now madness
it is simply a synonym of insanity
and insane is an adjective, which is describing my state
and using it in the form of a noun, would be insanity
'"diagnostic of insanity"
how does any of this make sense
what has brought me to be in a state of insanity
I mull over it
I always come to the conclusion
it is simply life

if you ask what is wrong
and she says
I'm insane
don't leave her
she wants to know
that it's not her name

To be honest,
when I ran my hands through the flame,
I somewhat hoped that I would catch fire
and turn to ashes,
to blow away in the wind
and never come back.
*but it just burned

If I wrote it in blood,
would it mean more?