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jai Jun 2018
shattered starlight is seeping from the holes i made

it is a sure sign of my defeat

im here with a blank face unable to process the hurricane of emotions wrecking my insides

not a single thought is one i’m able to capture

so here i lay

in a puddle of pulverized universes

dimming ever so slowly
i wrote this at 4:22am, the morning after i put a needle in my arm.
i ******* hate coming down
jai Jun 2018
what the **** am i supposed to do
i feel so empty
the thought of trying to pick up the pieces i’ve scattered around me makes me sick
my stomach aches with self hatred and guilt
and not anything that i can think of can make it go away
in all honesty i would be better off killing myself.
that sounds like a better option than getting high
or getting help
or getting ******
than any of it.
maybe tonight that’s what i’m supposed to do.

end it all.
i wrote this the night i shot up **** for the first time
jai Jun 2018
my hands look thinner
i guess you could say i’ve been working out
working out how many days i can go without
without nurturing myself properly

i just hate eating, and i just love looking great.
i won’t lie, on top of everything else, i also suffer from an eating disorder i’ve developed over the last few years. the drugs of course don’t help, but ultimately it’s my choice to live like this.
i’ve lost 100 pounds in a year.
jai Jun 2018
i just want to go home

but home has only ever been a feeling

a feeling of longing

a longing to go home.
i’ve always felt as though i was out of place in this world
jai Jun 2018
i feel like you put a gun in my hand
you put a gun snug against the side of my head
pulled the hammer back
and then grabbed my hand and wrapped it around the grip
and walked away...
i feel like if i come back
i’m gonna be locked in the closet with the gun again and i just can’t..
the repercussion of me trying to write down feelings about going home after relapsing
jai Jun 2018
i just REALLLLLLY need to know
why the ****
me
feels the need to totally encompass
my
with nothing but horrible negative thoughts and memories

GET THE **** OUT
me and my are the voices that in habit my brain
jai Jun 2018
i wish i could decipher even a small portion of what is running through my head
each thought that runs thru my mind is in and out so fast i’m not even able to see the image
every ******* scenario of my life for the 50 years is coming and going

every possibility
sometimes things get fast and they get loud and they get extensive and they get intense
all at once
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