I have this dream.
I'm drowning.
We go over the cliff.
I'm trapped.

Tired of being used.
Of being berated.
Simplified to a simple on and off switch.
Enough had been had
and so I was gone,
Flown free.
Soaring.
Crimson splattering in my path.
Seemingly insurmountable.
Extremities and follicles fly
as did the acrimonious "victim".
"Can you turn the fan on please"
Was the beginning of the end for some
and the end of the beginning for others.

Starving myself and subjecting myself to hunger as a way of punishing myself for ruining things with you
Or maybe it was just too hard to leave my bed after i'd drowned myself in tears
Finally being able to eat a full meal without gagging, an appetite built up for years
Feels good to be putting the pieces back together
I'm not whole again
I'll never be whole again
But at least i'm not shattered

I love you                                                              ­                          I hate you
I miss you                                                                                       Stay away
I need you                                                                                        I'm okay
I crave you                                                                               I am fulfilled
Your smile                                                                               Manipulation
Your laugh                                                                                    Your lies    
That voice                                                                                       That yell
Those eyes                                                                              That grimace
 Come back                                                                                   Goodbye
 Unbreakable                                                                               Inevitable

You remind me of him
It's heartbreaking and comforting at the same time
The little things he did
You do
I know better
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result
I don't think that's true
But what I do think is I need to do something different
I need to change the result
So no,
I won't do that for you
No, we can't watch that movie over facetime
No, we can't even facetime
No, I won't tell you my philosophy of life
Because I did that for him
I did that with him
And look where it got me

The only place I get to see you
anymore is my dreams.
Even if,
even there,
you hate me.
And I am alone.
At least I can hear you
I can see you
I can be with you

A silent flame
Is that what I am
In the darkness burning
Bright
Silent
As I should
There as an ornament rather than a person
A silent flame

Blurred like my vision
Orange as my pride
Quakes, rumbles, and whispers
All one tries to hide
The ***** deeds and ill intent
All you planned to circumvent
Illuminated
By a street lamp