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May 30 · 23
One by One
Vivian May 30
Crumbling buildings,
only ashes left,
heard screams,
silent voices,

One by one,

Fires blazing,
mad and angry,
piles of bodies getting higher,
people dying,

One by one,

Tears running down faces,
at the last goodbyes,
running away,
taking the journey led by hope

One by one,

Broken worlds,
shattered by war,
no one lives,
survival is the only way out

One by one

No family left,
gone, withered away,
no home either,
destroyed and taken

One by one

Blank-faced children,
who've seen too much,
no word but silence,
comfort pushed away

One by one,

As everyday, we get closer,
to destruction,
as every breath we take,
is another taken away

One by one

One by one
May 29 · 32
It's Not Easy
Vivian May 29
Broken heart,
swollen eyes,
blank face,
no meaning to life,

World of lies,
incomplete story,
lost home,
burning city

You tell me to get over it,
that the sun will rise again,
but for now, I only know grays skies and storms,
as it's not that easy

I want to give it all a purpose,
but it's just too hard,
and death,
is still a valid choice

So don't tell me that things happen,
I know they do,
but they're not that easy,
it's never easy

Tears run down,
the broken breaking,
the trust shattering,
everything failing

And if I could,
I know I would heal it all,
but scars don't fade like that,
it's not that easy

So if the knife still kills,
and the dark red still spills,
I just wanted to tell you,
I really tried

Even despite the fact,
it was never easy,

So please don't blame me,
please don't give me that tired look,
Look at my never closed red eyes,
I'm exhausted too

But for now, I'll put on my mask,
smile like it's alright,
lie and lie,
though it's not that easy

I'll walk through it all,
take the first step,
endure,
but it's not easy

So please don't tell me that I'm not helping,
I'm not,
and I never will,
but remember it's not that easy

So until it all ends,
I'll live like it's normal again,
and I know it's not that easy,
but so be it,
I'll still try

So if the sky has to cry for tears to stop,
if the even doing so drowns us and waters reach to the top,
then I guess I'll do it,
even if it's not that easy

But it's never easy,
and it never will be

So I guess the least I can do
is try

To just try
May 28 · 35
Middle
Vivian May 28
It's hard to tell what's right,

and what's wrong at times,

they always tell us to pick the choice that does people the best,

yet we still choose,

the worse,

but mostly,

we stay in the middle,

an uncertain group, trying to figure out,

the right thing,

too afraid to make the first step,

like this poem,

too scared to be written and read in judging eyes,

yet still as a writer, typing I stand,

and strive,

to try
May 28 · 30
Goodbye
Vivian May 28
I stare into your eyes, lowered as tears slide off your eyelashes,

like dewdrops in the bright green leaves of the morning sun,

for an answer, a word, anything,

as I feel waterworks rising up in me, my emotions jumping into waterfalls of despair

On this summer day, in which in any other situation, would have called for ice cream and laughter,

runs across the untamed grass, swaying in the breeze,

jumping into clear pools to escape the sun's heat

yet this isn't any other day,

this is today,

I look at you one more time,

As I cry, waters enough the fill oceans come out of me

Trying to remember all the good times and every part of you,

Looking for courage,

in fear that saying it will make it become reality,

as there is still hope this is just a nightmare

to say




goodbye
May 28 · 41
Longing
Vivian May 28
I long for the home that lies in the night-time star
hidden in wonders of swirling galaxies,
standing still, a flicker in the unreachable far
somewhere the light of my moonless nights, waiting to be found

I long for the love that happens at the sunset beach,
the yellow bringing down the day heat,
for the time of darkness's coolness behind it as it sinks
emotions and hopes flying up and fluttering as watching eyes blink

I long for the friend who will always be there for me,
Yet some wishes are like ripped up ribbons, broken lace
As I am forever, trying to look for someone willing to be,
the person who brings the smile on my face

I long for a day that lies in the unfated future of possibility,
waiting to be lived in a never-happening tomorrow
A time, one moment, that has been too given up to come true
Someday, when I can say I'm okay and mean it

I long for a trust that will never be broken,
glass never shattered, no nightmares caused,
no worries and remembered promises
yet still I look into the mirror, staring at the reflection of reality

I long for you, as you are all of these things,
my home, love, hopes, and dreams,
you're who I live for, to this day, who I imagine when it's hard,
you're everything, everything in the world to me

Yet still, I sit in my chair, looking outside the window,
at dim gray skies, no sun to be found, covered by clouds,
through the unexplored worlds in the universe of wishing for light,
lonely

As I stare longingly
May 27 · 48
Alive
Vivian May 27
Sometimes I have these
moments of time
in which the nights always stand still,
unmoving
and sleepless

A cycle that goes on and on,
with wide opened eyes
waiting for the emptiness void to take over the mind
and give it peace,
from my life

As thoughts and wonders go loose,
wild,
speaking to me,
unwritten poems and songs singing in my head,
stanzas forming,
As tears fall for no reason at all,
except the hope to cry me to sleep

Nights in which the moon shines in the dark sky
lit by the occasional cars that go by,
as no one stays awake,
here,
except me tonight

Endless periods of quietness,
waiting for the sun to rise
dead silence
as no cricket even chirps its song
at this hour

Times where nothing is awake,
living,
except for me,
who looks out the window
onto the paved streets,
waiting for something to come by

These,
are the moments,
in which I feel alive
May 27 · 91
Falling
Vivian May 27
It's only when I was already falling,

When I finally let go of the cliff of my hope

you held your hand out to me

despite the many chances before

when I was hanging on to the end


You did it when it was too late
May 27 · 60
Age
Vivian May 27
Age
Maybe
Some are too young
To understand love
To do something with it
Or to even give it a place
In the world

But no one's
Too young
To feel it
May 27 · 88
Love
Vivian May 27
You can't expect love to be perfect
It's not love when everything works itself out
It just doesn't work that way
It takes courage
To walk the first step
It takes tears
Of misunderstanding
It takes rejection
To be accepted
It takes pain
To understand it
It takes hope
That there's still a future for it

It takes love


Real love
May 27 · 105
Too Small
Vivian May 27
The world out there
Is too much for me to take in
And live in

The mountains are too tall
For me to climb up
The expectations to high
For me to reach up

The seas are too deep
To find a reason for these tears
The waves powerful
Drowning me to quickly
Before I can answer the ocean call

Time goes by too fast
When I simply close my eyes
As the days just fly by
Leaving me with nothing

The air runs out too quickly
As suffocation becomes normal
And the relief of relaxing
The mind of peace
Is not shared
And definitely not felt by me

Everything
This world
Too big for someone
That amounts to as little as nothing
As me

To breathe in
To live in


To be in
May 26 · 30
Forward
Vivian May 26
It's not because of you,

I'm getting any more sleep,

But it's really

I'm starting to look forward to

the next day again
May 26 · 123
Reason to Live
Vivian May 26
I don't live,
to breathe until there's no air,
or to climb on top of the world,
and see it all from above,

I don't live,
to continue to put that mask
of a smile on my face,
so I can survive,

I don't live,
to watch other's breathe,
as I drown,
in the waters of despair

I don't live for any of that,
or this





I live for you
May 26 · 38
It's Complicated
Vivian May 26
It's complicated,
you,
and I

A mess,
flying apart,
with no definite meaning,

Made from nothing,
those little fights,
between us,
keep tearing everything,
we've created

It's complicated,
but in the end,
somehow,
we make it out together,

able to still say the word,
us
May 25 · 66
Happy
Vivian May 25
Never would I have thought


That you wouldn't reject me






I'm happy to be wrong
May 24 · 94
Look in the Mirror
Vivian May 24
The only monsters
That exist
Are not hiding in the closet
But are the ones
That fear it
And are outside of it

Look in the mirror again
You are you
But your reflection can only
Tell you that much

The only monsters
Are humans
May 23 · 165
Barriers
Vivian May 23
Love has no boundaries,
as there is an endless supply of it
everywhere you see it,
through those little acts,
and what's left of kindness
in our world

But courage does,
and that is when we must break the barriers
of fear
and be brave enough to tell someone,
despite the endless possibilities of being hurt,
and vulnerable
and rejection

I love you

But sometimes walls are stronger than bridges
May 23 · 48
Scared
Vivian May 23
I'm scared to happy,
I'd rather be sad,
or angry sometimes,
because when my world comes crashing
down again,
at least I'll be less hurt

But when I'm happy,
it's too sudden
for me to process



But I'll gladly take that risk
May 23 · 62
Goals
Vivian May 23
Be happy. That's it.

It can't be that hard.







And yet, still I fail
May 23 · 18
Just Don't
Vivian May 23
Don't give me that sad smile
The one full of pity
For me, smiles have been always just lies,
Masks that I wore to get me through the day

Don't waste your tears on me
The dams in my eyes holding mine are enough for me
And now they're just flooding worse
All thanks to you

Don't say that you're sorry
When it won't fix anything
When it's my fault
When it's useless to feel sorry
When I don't need sorry

Don't just look away
From me
But don't look at me either
Look ahead
Forward
Where better times are coming for you
Not for me in case anyone wonders

Don't ask me if I'm okay
Look at my eyes
Swollen from crying
Look at my hands
Already shaking
Do I look like I'm bleeping okay?

Don't say that you understand
You don't
And there's nothing else to that

Don't hold out your hand to me
To take me home
I don't have one anymore,
Remember?
And why bother holding onto someone,
Being strong,
When you'll let go?

Don't try to make me feel less alone,
Or lonely
I don't want to depend on someone
Again
They always leave me
Life just doesn't work that way

Don't
Just don't




Because every time I do,
it always ends up this way
May 23 · 29
Crush
Vivian May 23
Every time I see you
My heart beats a bit quicker
And I can feel my thoughts in my head
Pacing rapidly in my mind
Get more and more nervous

Every time you smile at me
My mind screams at me
Exited
But there's always doubt in the corner
Saying that he'll never feel
About you
The same way that you do

Every time you talk to me
I can feel myself burst
In a mix of love and happiness
As hope leaks through
The cracks of my fragmented heart
That maybe one day
My wish can come true

Every
Single
Time
May 21 · 43
Home
Vivian May 21
Is there a possible place for me,
somewhere on this earth?
Maybe someday,
A home just for me, one where my existence has worth?

Will, there one day be no urge to run away,
to rather die than live in that place
where troubles will die down as I walk in,
somewhere, is that true, in the endless space?

May there be home waiting for me,
in the vast lands and oceans, where I'll find one day,
A family wearing a smile of comfort with a hug,
telling me it'll finally be okay,

But for now, no such thing exists,
and home is still never close,
so until I find it I'll live through writing in notebooks,
until this thing I wish for steps out of the shadows,
May 21 · 382
Heartless
Vivian May 21
You keep telling me that I'm heartless,
that I have no sympathy to spare,
no kindness inside me,
no love

But it's not that,
it's just that I'm afraid if I let people too close,
then it'll get broken

Again

I'd rather have nothing than have pieces
of fragmented love
May 20 · 42
When I Close My Eyes
Vivian May 20
When I close my eyes,
I can breathe,
real breaths,
as I inhale the scent of home,
warm and joyful,
and exhale out the bad things
that's happened today

When I close my eyes,
I'm still alone
standing by myself,
no one beside me,
yet I'm not lonely,
and I stand
proud

When I close my eyes,
I can be anything,
to the North Wind,
alive and blowing,
touching people's cheeks,
numbing them out
to the green grass,
cheerful,
and happy
growing tall,

When I close my eyes,
I can escape,
this prison called life,
and be free

But then I open them again,
and I'm still just
me
May 20 · 33
Under the Skin
Vivian May 20
Don't you dare say you understand,
or that you know me,
until you've fully seen me,
under my skin
without the mask of my face,

You've never heard the thoughts in my mind,
tangled and confused,
explored my brain,
endless jungles,
tall trees,
with branches of wonders,
leaves of words,

You've never taken that ride,
the roller coaster of my emotions,
feelings curving here and there,
looping,
into my heart,
a never-ending adventure
too fast for you to react,
as I guess that's how my heart gets broken,
over and over

You've never taken a walkthrough
the prison of my mind,
my personality trapped in the dark void,
where no light shines through,
for a possible escape,
You don't the loneliness of it,
to be alone,
helpless

So don't say you know me,
until you know what's under my skin,
because there's still a deep ocean of secrets,
murky waters,
full of things,
that will forever remain in the bottom,
sinking with despair,
unknown
May 20 · 47
People
Vivian May 20
The quiet ones,
are the people who have the most words,

The ones who always smile,
are the people made of lies,

The ones who are nice,
are the most hurt,

The ones who are always cold,
do it in fear they'll melt,

And the ones who try to fix things,
are ones who are most broken,

As while the ones who seem lively,
are the survivors,

The ones we always judge,
have the best reasons,

For no one is who they seem,
and behind their existence,
is another story
May 19 · 14
My Name
Vivian May 19
What will my name be,
to people,
as days go on?

Will the mention of it,
spark memories,
made of fire?
Create blazing flames,
tall and hot,
at the length of my life?

Will the slightest whisper of it,
create oceans,
waterworks,
of tears,
sliding down people's faces,
as emotions take over, once again,
for the fact of I am gone?

Will the reason that it is spoken,
cause the wind to blow
carrying ashes,
dust,
and wonder,
of what is left of me,
and what will become of me?

Will simple word of it,
Vivian,
when it is named,
cause the first flower of spring to grow,
poking under the fence,
a small bud,
delicate petals,
saying
I'm still here,
rooting hope?

Or will it be nothing to people,
worthless,
as I am now?

I guess I'll never live long enough to know

But until then,
when death takes over,
the only last thing I can do for my name,
to be heard,
is hope
May 19 · 31
How Many
Vivian May 19
How many tears must be cried,
for the oceans to flood the land?

How many days must we endure,
until tomorrow is better again?

How many lies have to be said,
in order for the truth to be heard?

How many hearts must be broken,
until someone tries to put them back together?

How many dreams do we wake up to,
for reality to finally hit us?

How many fears do we have to have,
to just have the courage to face them?

How many times must doubt cloud us,
in order for hope to be created?

How much pain does one have to face,
for them to be cared for?

How many things about us must be changed
to be accepted, loved?

How many words are in one's mind,
to be important enough to be written on paper?

How many questions must be asked,
until someone gives an answer?

How many guesses do I have to make,
until I find something that satisfies my brain?

One?
A hundred?
Millions?
Infinite?

Or is the answer just too much,
to be held in words or numbers?
May 18 · 39
I Can Make It
Vivian May 18
There are days when the ocean's waves,
will rise higher than the sun,
as the deep waters cover the sky's lights,
and slowly drown me to the bottom,
when I cannot swim or breathe,
But can tell myself, with all the voice I can speak,
I can make it

There will be weeks
with sleepless nights,
eternal darkness,
loud silence except for my smothered sobs
as tears damp my pillow,
as I try to cover myself with blankets,
to hide my vulnerability,
when I cannot stop the endless emotions destroying me,
but in which I can tell myself in the slightest whisper,
only heard by my knowledge it was spoken,
I can make it

There will be months
that seem unmoving
as nothing will ever change,
the lyrics of the nameless song I repeat in my head,
always singing the same
of the things that are broken,
of me who cannot be fixed,
the chorus repeating over and over,
killing me bit by bit,
when everything just stays the same,
but in which I can sing words of my own,
harmonies of the familiar phrase,
I can make it

There will be years,
that seem to be woven of delicate threads,
barely holding themselves together,
knots slowly coming apart,
tapestries,
made for the barely alive,
the dead,
when everything unravels, untied,
but in which knots and connected strings will remain,
showing the viewer,
I can make it

There will be times,
that cannot be counted by the word infinity,
life will simply be hard,
where you will just have to survive,
even when it seems like your world is shattering,
into millions of glass shards,
but even if it happens,
they will reflect back to you,
as memories will still get you far,
reminding you
I can make it

Yet I still say to myself that one word,

Liar
May 18 · 132
Want
Vivian May 18
I don't want to die,
but I don't want to keep on having to survive either,

I want to live,
just to be able to live

Is it too much to ask for?
May 17 · 28
Water
Vivian May 17
My throat feels dry,
thirsty,
in need of the earth's springs,
cool,
and refreshing,
as it weathers away the lump in my throat,
bit by bit,
as words don't come out of me,
as my voice,
feels too cramped by emotions,
to speak

Yet somehow,
although I don't have enough water in me,
to let out the words,
that run through streams in my brain,
into cool lakes,
clear and demanding,
the words that run out of waterfalls,
rushing and flowing,
into the sea of my mind,
thinking and wandering,
or even to just scream

I somehow still have enough
to let out
raindrops from my eyes,
forming puddles on my cheek
as they become vast oceans,
drowning me
May 17 · 26
Never Lasts Long
Vivian May 17
You were the only thing I had left,
the only path left on my journey,
the only reason my world still spins,

The thought of you,
is the only way I can get up from bed every morning,
and face the world with a smile made of lies,
the only way,
I'm still strong enough to live

You're the only one who hasn't left me,
to seek the brighter stars,
who hasn't seen me,
for just my mistakes,
who didn't go explore,
for what else the galaxies has to offer,
but instead,
went looking for me

You're the only who cared,
maybe even loved,
which I will never, ever know,
for sure,
me

But now I lost you too
May 16 · 123
No One Loves Me
Vivian May 16
What? They just don't.
I mean, they might care.
But that's not the same thing. Or enough.
Or I'm just a selfish brat.

Why would I know?
May 16 · 213
Can You at Least Try?
Vivian May 16
There's a reason for my coldness,
my isolation,
the protective cage around me,
my prison,

So please stop whispering,
I can hear them,
You don't know anything about me,
But if you did,
it's not like you'll understand me

Just go away. It hurts a lot less.
May 16 · 60
Hi
Vivian May 16
Hi
edit: anyone going to say hi back?
edit 2: thank you, now how is life?
May 16 · 8
Subway
Vivian May 16
The doors open,
And I step in,
Careful not to look down the small ledge,
As I am known for disliking the thought of falling.

I stand,
And listen,
To the occasional whispers, talking,
And the loud silence, demanding

I stumble as we take off, bumping to the person nearby,
I mutter a sorry, hoping to get out of the awkward tension,
Caught between me and this person,
Shifting away

I watch the doors open and close,
After each announcement of the next stop to come,
And watch the people go in and out,
From the bustling city world, loud,
Into the silent underground
Lonely

As more and more go off,
Onto the noisy streets, full of people,
I sit down on an orange seat,
And try to make as much comfort to myself as I can,

I stare off into the window, tilting my head in ease,
I watch the underground world go dark,
Listening to the loud rumble,
and the distant, out of touch, talking

I wait silently,
as the world goes into the dark once more,
Only visible from the small lights,
For the doors to open,

I stand, then walk out,
Away from the noise, fading away,
As I go up the stairs, outside,

to home
May 15 · 54
Can't Write
Vivian May 15
I can't write,
my words have no rhythm
when I try to tie them together to form stanzas,
they get tangled, unable to be unraveled,

I can't write,
when an idea blooms in my head,
it quickly gets stepped on,
flattened

I can't write,
when what I have to say,
is written on the paper,
it changes the meaning,

I can't write,
My thoughts are too complex,
to be held in a simple metaphor,
they bang on the sides of the letters,
demanding to be let out

I can't write,
when I try,
my emotions flood me,
staining my pencil with tears,

I can't write,
my words don't strike people the way I want,
don't get seen or read,
as I see it,

I can't write,
I try to shape my words to look like other creations,
but they stay the same, still and unwavering,
stubborn

I can't write,
I want my words to fly,
to soar and to rise up to the wonders out there,
but they instead, stay with me, inside my head

I can't write,
the words stumble, imperfect,
But my words come from me as they are me,
and I can't be perfect

I can't write,
no matter how much I try,
I can't write,

But writing is the only way I can let things out. It's the only way my thoughts are actually heard, seen. It's my way of crying or smiling.

It's the only time I don't lie

So I write
May 15 · 38
Price
Vivian May 15
They say that it'll be okay,
just give it some time,
but they don't warn us,
for it to go away,
it comes with a price,

So I pay it with all I have,
and hope as much as I could
that someday, someday, these memories will leave,
and my life could be somewhat good,

But maybe it wasn't enough
after all this waiting,
because it somehow still hurts,
and I can still feel the hating

So now the only thing left,
is to let death give its gift of ending the pain,
as I pay for its curse,

After all, it always ends in vain
May 15 · 66
Getting Through
Vivian May 15
Memories and hope,
are the only things I have left now,

but sometimes they're enough
May 15 · 91
My Dreams
Vivian May 15
Meeting you,
shattered my dreams and hopes,
and replaced them with new ones,
May 15 · 72
Reason
Vivian May 15
Looking for a reason to live,
After all,
Everyone else has so many,
Yet when I search these caves of mystery,
The only thing I find is that none of them for me,
and the fact that I don't have any
May 15 · 55
Reflection
Vivian May 15
I look in the mirror,
trying to find a person in me,
a human capable of care,
yet the only thing I see,
is a monster
May 15 · 53
Oh Well
Vivian May 15
Scream at me,
Kick me,
Destroy me,

There's not much left in me to hurt anyways
May 14 · 60
Still Do It
Vivian May 14
I've cried so many times,
it's strange that I still have tears in myself
May 14 · 31
Stupid Love Life
Vivian May 14
I try to make myself believe,
that there's no chance,
but when I see you again,
I know I still hadn't accepted it

It's stupid,
I don't even know why I care,
I know I shouldn't,
yet here I am,
caring
May 14 · 59
Keep on Going
Vivian May 14
You say you don't have anything left,
that there's nothing else to live for,

But I know that's not true,
that you still have yourself left,

and sometimes that's all you need,
you, yourself

Live for yourself and you,
Live for life
May 13 · 91
Accept
Vivian May 13
The bravest thing you can do

is to not offer your hand to someone,

but to let down your pride,

and accept someone else's
Vivian May 13
How do the flowers of hope,
continue to stand in the rains of hurt,
bloom in the sun made of lies,
and grow in the soils of disappointment?

How can it continue to live when I can't?
May 13 · 68
Room
Vivian May 13
A dark room,

an empty void of silence,

yet loud words,

on the bright computer screen
May 13 · 517
Awake in a Dream
Vivian May 13
I check the clock,

as it reads 9:52,

I know I should go to sleep,

but here I still am typing,

awake,

but living in the dream,

of poetry
May 13 · 142
Heart
Vivian May 13
My heart bleeds for the hearts that are broken,

breaks for the ones that have been stolen,

beats quicker for the ones that are getting close to giving up

and continues its steady rhythm for the ones that are left

My heart goes to you,
every one of you,
behind this screen
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