i watch this website fall apart
the entire screen freezing as i try to log back in after so many years
and after taking ap principles last year
i can kinda tell why

i am now seventeen
with only a "youthful disposition" to be seen
but only living for her
the little kid who thought being old was all there was to be

fruitger aero
y2k
grainy photos from yesterday

it was never about getting here
it was just about getting away
and crying over an indie album
from 2008

the words hit me harder than any song from a tiktok artist today
were we never really alone?

strange individuals from ten years ago
once scorned, now cherished by the youth

and i ahead or simply behind?

the useless porcelain jars from the thrift store hold more soul to me than any shirt from target ever will

born in the correct era
for now i can love the previous one in peace
strange how we only like something when it leaves

never grow up
just learn more
and be nice
you’ll become a lot wiser then

my mood changes like the tides
it’s all just some wave i ride
up and down
circling around
how much of it is really just my mind?

i don’t even wanna think
i just wanna dream
to gaze upon distant worlds
read old conversations and smile as i try to contain my laughter
to do nothing but imagine the worlds i could  create on a piece of paper
i wanna smell every flower
and be nice to every person
i wanna drown myself in every song
and sing along once my teacher lets me
i wanna see all the colors of the world
and hold them close like a little blanket
i wanna fall asleep with a pen in my hand
to paint my nails and stain my palms
i wanna dig my hands into a box of something
just to see how it feels

lovely little fantasy world
perhaps if i commit myself to you long enough you’ll be come real

you resemble spring
and all the flowers it brings
you are everything

no more fixing bindra
no more fixing pramod
i will no longer tend to the dumpster fire that is their ego

the little things they do
still pulls the strings of my heart
you want my will to be your puppet
and i want yours to be mine
whatever makes you feel "safe"
whatever makes me feel "safe"
is whatever makes us in control

you are as broken as you have broken me
i no longer want to fix you
i want you to respond to my every demand
i want to manipulate you like you have manipulated me

i no longer want to destroy such evil
i simply want to turn the tables
i want to restore balance
and give myself room to breathe
because lord knows i'd be a better tyrant than you

i'm on my villain arc (setting boundaries)
biting at the hand that feeds me
because I was supposed to be the baby!
you were supposed to baby me!
when all i did was baby you!

i wanted to be your baby
i wanted to be your baby so bad

but look at what you do to babies

i am no alchemist
i cannot turn monster into human
simply, i can keep it under control
a muzzle to the rabid dog

your words bite into my heart
as i bite into your arm
if it bleeds, i wonder
if you'll think when you stare at the wound

jasmine green tea
the flowers smell so sweet
she put soap in my mouth
she wants to wash it out
i let the aroma lie to me