To those I loved:

I— (blank)

I’m sorry, I was trying to express my emotions but my brain just wiped my thought process.

And I remember watching that stupid movie

It had so many awards

Nothing scary had happened but the darkness it projected made me anxious

You held me

You held me during

You held me after

But even then,
Though comforting,

I still don’t love you

I just wish I could see myself through your perspective;
You make me feel beautiful.

I’ll remember;
Credit card ice cream,
Summer afternoon,
Bright room.

You held the guitar
& I asked you a question.

It turned into a 10 minute song;
That made me smile the whole time.


Because you were smiling.
I love when I get to see you smile.

Touch me again

Fluorescent light is getting in my eyes

I’m thinking about where your hand was the other night

When I think of you talking;
I can hear the vibrations your voice makes

I know what your blur looks like;
Because I’m always looking at you from the side of my eyes

When I close my eyes it feels like everything is erupting inside my head & body;

But when I open them the world looks refreshed

& I feel like a viewer.

Will you hold me when I'm too sad to move?

Buy me watermelon and watch me eat it with chopsticks.

Show me that I'm not alone in a world that's overpopulated.

Observe how I pick leaves from trees while I walk.

Could you help me understand myself because I'm uneasy about it.

Sit by me.

No, go away.

I need to be alone.

Wait, I need someone.

Notice my frown when I try to dissect the thought I just had.

I'm confused.

Stare at my feet as I carefully place them over each crack.

Sidewalks are stupid.

Consider that I might not feel anything.

Consider that I might be overwhelmed.

I'm confident.

I'm worthless.

I'm scared of dying.

I want to die.

I'll say I'm listening.

The way you grabbed the cigarette from me

Your hand slightly curved

You put it to your mouth

You say, ‘My heart hurts but I feel empty.’

I’ll tell you that you’re a container

I hate who I was & I hate how you made me feel for it.

Punch me in the nose;
I’ll cry at the end of the era.

I’ll mourn the years.

Flooded streets;
Cement stairs.

I wrote this song about you.

It sounds like how you make me feel.

Layered voices filter the room.

You touched too many memories;
So my brain chose to have no thought at all.

I felt,
Unheard.

I felt,
Like something was wrong with me.

I felt,
Really ******* sad.

Watermelon chopsticks in summer;
Warped social perception.

Walking the streets pretending to have a purpose.

In my head;
Trying to figure out
what the **** is going on.


& Why won’t they answer my questions?
I’m frustrated.

Im confused..
Why was I always confused?


Am I loud enough?

I remember the closure.
I took it.
Then put my headphones in.
I heard those notes play in that specific order
& I heard the emotions reverb through the passing era.

I heard your words &
I felt the pain from a third person perspective.

I heard that versions train of thought spiraling in some moments.

I felt the ground on my feet in summer as I paced across the parking lot;
Asking if I am actually missing gaps in the timeline.

Asking if there was something wrong with me.

I saw some of the good &
Said goodbye to it all.

When I got up;

I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder.
& A haunting image of a face off of my mind.

Anxiety went away with time.

Years later;
I woke up & the rose had died.

My heart didn’t hurt;
I swear I have feelings.

I can't tell if I'm high;

Or the wires in my brain has detached the ability to feel my physical body.

& a memory appears in my head;  

That night at 3am;

It was raining and we were chain smoking in your car in a grocery store parking lot.

Foxing came on the stereo.

That's when you turned to me

& said, 'This is what I mean.'

I exhaled smoke and watched it slip out the cracked window.

Your eyes were looking down,

& I just said, "I don't know'

We sat in silence;

But I could sense your thoughts.

Inside of me I felt;
Vacant.

Physically I felt;
Tipsy from the beers I drank at our friends house.

I think of that day now
& wonder if you were hurt.

Could it have felt like;
knocking your knee against the corner of a table?

Sometimes, I feel sorry that you've met me.

Can we go back to listening to Midwestern emo bands, laying on the floor in a room with nothing but a bed and a record player.

Before emotions and opinions formed;

Before you told me you hated me;

Before we became friends again and you sometimes would buy me a soda.

When there were no intentions;
just company.

Stand by me as my knees give out from the constant blows life gives me.

01/02/2018:

My chopsticks didn’t break apart normally

& I keep thinking that it’s an omen for the upcoming year.

I want to be unnoticed but crumble under lack of attention.

I am split between being loud

& being a whisper.

My tears no longer have a meaning;

They are just tired now.

I will crawl in my bed

& lay awake thinking that everything is stupid.

& I’ll hope you’re not like light

& I won’t sneeze when I look at you.

Both our misery together will be platforms to stand on while we light our cigarettes during break;

Our emotions will harmonize when we lay them out.

From the side with the sun setting,

you looked like a 3D shadow laying on the grass.

& Then we heard those screams from a crowd running around an RV in the park.

Uninterested;

Snapped the moment as a memory and moved on

& years later, I still flip through my mind to find the picture.

Remembering a time when I wasn’t bothered.

You’re a moment;
I’m forever.

My time is valuable
                          
                         & my energy is rare

& thoughts require both,
  
    // // // // // // // // // // // //

        So I don’t really think about you.