Last year,
if you told us
that we would part
twice in one year,
we'd laugh in complete
disbelief and go on
******* face,
not having one single care
in the whole entire world...

...yet here we are.

More though -

there you are,

and here I am.

Now that you're gone,
the sun is brighter.
Now that you're gone,
my head doesn't hurt.
Now that you're gone,
the world seems sweeter.
Now that you're gone,
I smile so much more.

But --

you're gone.

No more.

I told myself

"You are through"

but --

I can't get you out of my head.

Now that you're gone,
I feel so empty.
Now that you're gone,
my heart aches.
Now that you're gone,
I am so alone.
Now that you're gone...
who will be there?

I know now, that I will be there.
For me.
Me and me only.

I still will love you forever,
but I am stronger than before.

Someday I'll come home
and not feel a weight
pull me into the dark --
I'll be filled with light.
For once my life won't be
empty with no knowing
for tomorrow, but instead
filled with nothing but love.
I just have to get there.

The journey is long, I know.
I've known it all my life.
But in the blink of an eye
I went from six to eighteen,
so is it really that long?
Who knows, I guess.
I'm close. Slowly and surely
I'll be getting there.

A name chosen well for you.
Every time I visited my friend,
your little feet would pit-pat-pit
right straight up to the door.
ESPECIALLY when mom came.

My friend was allergic, and
you absolutely loved my mom.
So we welcomed you with open arms
and very open hearts into our home.

When I first saw you in the house
it was strange, I wasn't used to hearing
your pit-pat-pit towards our door,
but it would be a sound that I would
give anything to hear one more time.

For six years you brought light into our house.
Sometimes you were so obnoxious,
and other days you were quiet as a mouse.
But no matter what, we loved you.

I watched you today, as the thunderstorm
went on. You were always afraid of them,
I needed to make sure you were okay.
I handed you food, your water dish,
you wanted nothing.

Then you were starting to pass.
My mother screamed and cried
as my brother and I tried to calm her.
She didn't want you to go.

But you had to.

Simple as that.

It was your time.

But we all weren't ready.

The last goodbyes were painful,
I've never seen my father cry like that.
Neither my two brothers, but I guess
that's how important you were
to each and every one of us.

And you lived up to your name.
You lived up to it, to the very last moment.
I love you little dude, and I'll miss you.
Rest in peace buddy.

We all have a door.

A door that when people knock, we can let in.

A door that we can push people out as well.

Once you exit the door, it's hard to re-enter.

Especially when the owner of the door made you exit.

So, please.

Keep me in.

For God's sake keep me in.

I can only push and shove against you so long before it gets

tiresome after every attempt to shove me out.

I understand how this is though; this, thing consumes you.

It takes the best part of you and pushes it

not just out the door, but in a black bottomless pit where

all the happiness can never even try to return.

It ***** up everything good you have in this world

and makes it all seem wrong. You keep all the bad

which it morphs itself into words you say to yourself

and the muscles in your body to give you that

ability to push people away.

But please, with all you can,

don't push me out.

If you do, I'll understand. And I'll try to stay

with all the strength I can muster up,

because I did this to you once, and now

I understand how it feels to be this alone.

But please, don't push me out for long,

because I want to stay.

But I'm not that strong to take you on.

The bad things keep getting stronger and

I'm afraid I won't be staying.

But I won't give up without a fight.

I'll fight even when my armor is broken

and my muscles are tired.

I won't give up.

I just won't.

Life lately is a bunch of
deadlines and running out of's
and it just won't stop.
You're running out of space
on your hard drive!
The deadline to pay this off
is April 20th!
My life feels shrunk
in a matter of time
of when I have to do this
or when I have to do that.
I wonder if that's all
life will be for me when
I become an adult.
Deadlines and Running Out Of's.
I'm not looking forward to that.

A new start,
something fresh.
Friends look at you
with wide eyes
erasing all the previous
times you had met
with this new time,
all from something simple.
Something fresh.
A haircut.
Although going from
long flowing wavy
strawberry blond hair
to dark pixie short
brunette colored hair
is quite the difference...
but it's something fresh.
Something new.
Something great.
Exhilarating.
Exciting.
Wonderful.

Let us be one again;
to run through the rain
and laugh when we fall,
but knowing we'll pick
the other one up and
brush them off.
I do miss you dearly,
and I know you miss me.
And I know we have to wait
until we get life settled.
But can't we do it together?
Of course I can wait,
but for how long?