loving someone with a mental illness is like falling in love with a deciduous tree. the tree remains still in the forest. it's always there but it's leaves are constantly changing. it's happy when it's leaves are a bright green, surging with energy, planning a trip, trying something new. when the leaves get tired they start to fall. turning from auburn to brown and feeling more and more useless the closer that they are to the ground. canceling the trip, losing energy, losing focus while laying there in the dirt. they can't get up. the branches are bare and it's cold. no matter how much love you show, it's leaves will not come back until just enough sunshine shines down. like sunlight through a crack in the window on a rainy day when they can't seem to get out of bed. eventually, buds will begin to form again. something beautiful wants to grow from all the love it has been given. in time it will blossom into something breathtakingly beautiful. so admirable that you can't take your eyes off of it. then you blink. and it all changes suddenly. the cold creeps back and everything you once loved is unrecognizable. you were like a deciduous tree...

our legs hooked like the chain you wore around your neck
bound tightly, sticky, magnificently stuck

your hand gripped my thigh until I turned a deep blue
wounded slightly, discolored, spontaneously struck

a boy was once
everything to me
I left to get my degree
so young and fragile
wore my cap and tassel
set out to find what
it is i’ve been looking for
only to find it was not him
anymore

a man was once
nothing to me
just a sight to see
from across the bar
until I got in his car
and found what it is
i’ve been needing all along
he’s holding my hand
and he’s playing that song

two nights later
in the kitchen light
of his quaint little home
I danced with the man
who I met at the bar
he made me understand
just how naive boys are

two years later
in stain glass light
of the church down the road
I am meant to marry the man
but he never showed.

Why
Do I fall in love with everyone I meet?
Who
Could just be a stranger on the street.
Why
Do I see the pain behind their eyes?
What
Could convince me I’m to advise?
Why
Do I feel I can help everyone grow?
When
It’s my own self I barely know.
Why
Do I fall in love with everyone I meet?
Why
Do flashed smiles skip my heartbeat?
Why
Do you have something I find sweet?
But
I feel so miserably incomplete?
Why
Oh
Why
Do I fall in love with everyone I meet?

The ball drops, it’s twelve o’clock
This a new year twenty-twenty
Pots and pans bang down the block
Celebrating new hopes for many
But shortly in, hope was crushed
When an outbreak came among us
To the hospital everyone rushed
About a new virus they made a fuss
What is this new virus you ask?
It’s called corona and it acts fast
We’re all told to wear a mask
And it seems that this too will last
That’s not all, there’s fires too
Australian woods are in flames
We think not much we all can do
And flip the channel to our games
What’s this? There has been a crash?
Kobe Bryant is down in his plane
The world is shocked, in a flash
They do all they can in his name
Next riots are sprung across cities
From the death of George Floyd
People chant all sorts of ditties
Meanwhile everything is destroyed
Shootings, explosions, and more fire
Twenty-twenty is spiraling down
Such little hope left to inspire
The people of your own town
A new president will carry hope
That we can turn this all around
All we have left to do is vote
And our lost year can be found
They say to prepare for the worst
But yet to hope for the best
Many believe this year is cursed
Twenty-twenty one, you’re up next

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder, where you are?
Make me feel oh so high
Like a planet in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder, where we are?

When the feeling goes away
When I beg for you to stay
Then all I can see is black
Twinkle Twinkle, take me back
Twinkle Twinkle little bar
How I wonder, where you are?

A conversation with my love on my anxiety:

"I'm afraid of everything"
"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"Even my fears have fears"
"Your only enemy is you my love"
"I cannot help but shake"
"I'll catch anything you drop"
"I cannot help but cry"
"Each tear that falls I will stop"

I look down.

"I know you're rehearsing replies"
"But my thoughts are all over"
"You must lighten your mind"
"You've got great composure"
"Baby quit being so insecure"
"I can feel their eyes on mine"
"They're only admiring you"
"It sends chills to my spine"

He tilts my head up.

*"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"But darling I'm so afraid"
"They're people not monsters"
"It's my instinct to evade"
"Soon this will be behind you"
"My heart is beating fast"
"Inhale, exhale, breathe slow"
"It's no use I'm an outcast"

I lay in bed listening to the rain
Falling against my windowpane
Soothing but still I cannot sleep
All I can do is think and weep

I wonder when did I get like this
Constantly thinking of those I miss
Worrying about how I’ll end up
Draining the coffee from my cup

It’s 2 AM now I think think think
Further into myself I sink sink sink
My bed is cold and filled with tears
I Feel like I’ve been awake for years

Insomnia has gotten the best of me
My eyes are open, but I barley see
The world is fuzzy through my eyes
Each night another piece of me dies

another night has passed me by
another boy to write about in ink
this stories not unique although
we did **** on the bathroom sink
as for talking we did none of that
just locked eyes until we knew
that within the next few moments
you were for me and I was for you
hand wrapped around my neck
forcing me to beg and pled for air
hand caressing down my back
reaching to the end to pull my hair
your lips kissing me slow then fast
as if they taunted me like a dare
and those ******* wide eyes
made me weaker with each stare
when I finally came to my senses
get dressed and lit my cigarette
your eyes no longer matched mine
instead they filled quick with regret
I knew then this night would pass
you'd be the boy I write about in ink
because I never got the courage
to ask you what you really think

your hand around my neck
tries to keep me from breathing
pushes my heartbeat to slow
leaving me begging & pleading

your lips caress my body here
makes me feel like screaming
tingles being sent all over  
finding it all quite pleasing

your eyes lock with mine
creates the feeling of dreaming
staring at the sweat drip down
feeling the breeze of freezing

your mouth says sweet words
thought up with out meaning
they disappear in the morning
and you leave my heart bleeding

your looks send dopamine
through my body while believing
at first you'd want to stay
but looks can be deceiving

your memories teach me lessons
of a love I won't be receiving
I'll remember you like the others
but know all poisin is miss leading

You’re in love with danger
I could see it in your eyes
It’s your underlying charm
That took me by surprise
Five minutes is all it took to
Move my glance to your lips
Your hand had already drawn
Closer and closer to my hips
They wrapped around slowly
Then quickly pulled me in
I reach toward your collar
Touch my fingers to your skin
You dove in and kissed me
Making me feel so pure
I wanted every part of you
And of that I was sure
You backed your head away
Flashed a devilish grin
Grabbed my hand tightly
Forcing an angel to sin
I followed you into the street
We dodged the passing cars
I held you as you stumbled
You had taken too many bars
When we got to the car
You had your hand on my lap
Whispering sweet in my ear
I always knew it was a trap
But it was your temptation
That dragged me inside
As a prisoner you held me
Not freeing me unsatisfied
So I let go of everything
Gave it all up to you
But you had an agenda
I was just something to do
When I woke in the morning
And turned my head
You were smiling asleep
Next to me in bed
I escaped your arms hold
Walked to the window pane
Found it to be sprinkled
With lines of your *******
I reached across for my pack
Lit myself a cigarette
Stared out at the sunrise
Full of sadness and regret

they gave me shots
of ***** & whiskey
left my stomach sick
and behavior risky

they gave me joints
hit the blunt & ****
made my thoughts race
all night long

they gave me pills
to help my depression
being happy again
became an obsession

they gave me liquor
they gave me beer
with each burning sip
I lost another fear

they gave me cough syrup
it made my body relax
put me full speed ahead
chasing a high to the max

they gave me a line
of white to my nose
made my body tingle
down to my toes

they gave me drugs
they gave me wine
they told me without you
that'd I'd be fine

they gave me hope
but it was all a lie
I needed your love
you never said goodbye

they gave me a bottle
of what, I wish I knew
I'm an addict at the least
but I'm addicted to you

I’m writing you this
With liquor on my lips
Wide eyes, hands shaking
Down to my fingertips

You won’t read any further
I’ve already accepted that,
Maybe your mind will change
Once you see your tires flat

I don’t mean to play *****
But I’ve got a bleeding heart
Your twisted lies were enough
To tear what’s left of me apart

You “never meant to hurt me”
It’s all you continued to say
“Don’t leave again” I’d reply
Though I knew you’d run away

I saw galaxies in your eyes
God I wish you believed I cared
Now you’ve gone to better things
And I’m the one left impaired

You see you were like the moon
Going through these phases
Always changing your opinion
Like it was hidden in mazes

I’m done looking for a solution
When it’s clear I won’t find one
But why can’t you look me in
The eyes and tell me we’re done?

You meant everything to me
And I tried hard to save you
I knew you were depressed,
Nothing we couldn’t work through

I love you and your blue eyes
Your stories and the laughs
But I guess you’re right my dear
It’s time we go our separate paths

storms don't last forever
but sometimes I need rain
to wash away my sins
and take away my pain

I was hooked on you
Before knowing your name
Heard you loved to write
Chased your dream of fame

I wanted to get closer
Without fear or dread
Because your eyes lit up
With every word you said

They said you were a player
That every girls the same
But that didn’t scare me
I wasn’t new to the game

You see you were a dream
A girl should be scared to chase
So I got up the courage
To see you face to face

Then we started to talk
And you lead me outside
You saw I was into you
Although I tried to hide

You kissed me once
Right there in the street
Then again and again
In your passenger seat

I’m not one to believe in love
For its such a stupid thing
But God how much I loved
Just listening to you sing

I feel silly now for thinking
That we could ever be
I was always young for you
On that we finally agree

It’s funny, I never told you
That I write too, all the time
Guess you’re not the only one
That can come up with a rhyme

So as I sit back on the curb
And drag on another cigarette
I decide I’m glad I met you
You’re something I wont forget

if you steal, my friend
and you never get caught
does your stomach still ache
can you feel it knot?
if you lie, my friend
and the truth is never told
does it hurt your insides
does your blood run cold?
if you cheat, my friend
and she doesn't find out
do you expect her to love
and never feel doubt?
if you ****, my friend
and you take your knife
does it bother you to know
you took someone's life?
if you answer, my friend
the questions I ask
your true morals well,
shall be unmasked

Come out come out
Wherever you are
Give me your love
And another cigar
Come out come out
Quit hiding from me
Show your face
Boy let me see
Come out come out
Don’t get in the car
There’s nothing
For you at that bar
Come out come out
With another cigar
Give me your love
Wherever you are

her hair covered her eyes
her skin was pale
her fingers were shaking
her limp body frail

his arms were strong
his eyes a clear blue
he saw her struggle
knowing just what to do

he'd seen this before
in fact all too often
he wanted to help
for the shock to soften

he saw her scars
that lie upon her wrist
but something about her
he couldn't resist

he'd fallen in love
with the girl from afar
but can love ever fix
the wound from a scar?

Having my tongue held
To keep me from speaking
Never being able to find
The love I am seeking

Its like I’m being hit
By a fast moving train
Then my body is numb
I no longer feel pain

Being broken is not
Something you can see
But being broken
Is what it’s like to be me

Depression is staying in bed all day
Knowing beside you the demons lay
Not having the strength to stand tall
Knowing if you get up you’ll just fall
It’s feeling alone in a crowded room
Like a wilted flower that cannot bloom
It’s sleeping just to get away from reality
Tossing and turning becomes normality

I say your name in my sleep
I see your face in my dreams
My heart, just like bed sheets
Is coming apart at the *seams

You told me you loved my long hair
So I cut it so short I can’t stand it
You told me you loved my smile
So I stopped putting it on lately
You told me you loved my walk
And the way I was always relaxed
So I’ve been running everywhere
With no time to relax or breathe
You told me each thing you admired
And now I took them each away
Because if you’re not here anymore
And you don’t love these details
Then what’s the point in them?
Why should I love myself,
If you aren’t going to love me at all?

Sometimes I have to take a moment
just to focus on my life
Because I know not a single struggle
is to be solved with a knife
You see there are much easier ways
to get through difficult times
I myself, like to write
I am at ease with my rhymes
When I find myself really struggling
or life's getting rough
I collect my thoughts on paper
that for me is enough
So if you remember anything dear
please remember this note
Nothing is to be solved with a knife
life was meant to be wrote

and then I realized
she makes you smile now
not me
all I'm good for
is making you cry
silly me
you found love in her
and lost the love
that you once felt
for me

It pains me to see
That you're doing just fine
I crave your fingers
Running down my spine

I crave your taste
Your touch and your lips
The way it felt
With your hands on my hips

But you're okay
You're doing fine without me
You only crave
To finally be set free

1) Do you know I've fallen so in love with the sound of your voice that I sometimes play back your old voicemails.
2) Sometimes when I think about all that we used to be I go back to that park and sit on the swings you used to push me on. Back and fourth. But then I look over my shoulder and you're not standing behind me.
3) When I look at old pictures of us I remember exactly where we were in that moment. I dive into the photo and relive the memory. I wonder if you remember them the same way.
4) I used to think if you missed me, you would tell me. But what if you're just worried I won't miss you back? Well, I...miss...you.
5) You remember that old teddy bear you gave me? I still sleep with it every night. Close to my chest.
6) It's our anniversary today. Happy anniversary.
7) I was thinking about our first kiss earlier, and how my legs were shaking and your lips pressed up against mine slowly and how you tasted of fall leaves and pumpkin.
8) I saw you kiss her.
9) Do you love her as much as you used to love me? Does she make you smile as much as I used to? Does she care about you enough to remember every detail about you?
10) You kissed her without any thought of me. It hurts to see that you've moved on, but I'm happy you're happy. *delete

You ask me why I’m dancing
You thought me to be insane
Could you not hear the music?
Or was it only in my *brain?

She was only fifteen
A raving beauty queen
Longing for him to care
Wishing that he was still there

A raving beauty queen
To her, he was always mean
Wishing that he was still there
Trying to forget how he would swear

To her, he was always mean
A poor innocent girl only fifteen
Trying to forget how he would swear
Back into his eyes she began to stare

A poor innocent girl only fifteen
Wanted a love she saw on screen
Back into his eyes she began to stare
All because she longed for him to care.

I used to sing in the shower
Dance like I was in the rain
Watch all of my worries
Be washed down the drain

I’d use all the hot water up
The mirror covered in steam
So the bathroom was foggy
Like on a cloud, in a dream

I’d wash my body with soap
That smelled just of a daisy
So I was clean and sweet
Then I’d shampoo like crazy

I used to sing in the shower
But that was when I had him
When he left I was drowning
And he knew I can’t swim

So now I sit in the shower
No dancing like in the rain
Because each time I cry
And I remember the *pain

Never had I imagined
that the feelings that
came along with him
coming back, would be
greater than those of when
he left.

Monkey bars/Deep scars
Shooting stars/Chasing cars
Apple pies/Broken cries
Bright skies/Teary eyes
Birthday cake/Smile's fake
Easy bake/Heart break
Matching games/Lighter flames
Picture frames/Lovers names
Car seats/Lonely streets
Candy sweets/****** sheets
Mommy's hug/Addictive drug
Lady bug/ Shoulder shrug
Candy shop/Speeding cop
Lollipop/Tear drop
Play toys/White noise
The child enjoys/The teen destroys

My mom once told me
"Looks can be deceiving,"
Is that why you smiled
As you were leaving?

“An old love will come back to you,”
said my fortune on the table,
but does my fortune cookie know
that I’m emotionally unstable?

“Learn Chinese- Expensive.”
that’s the word my cookie taught
but does my fortune cookie know
I had to sell all I had bought?

“Lucky number 41”
the first number that was listed
the exact amount left in my wallet
now isn’t that twisted?

“Lucky number 5”
the number of deaths I faced,
does my fortune cookie know
they’ll never be erased?

“Lucky number 12”
the 12th glass I am drinking,
does my fortune cookie know
the drunk thoughts I am thinking?

“An old love will come back to you,”
that’s what my fortune said,
but does my fortune cookie know
my only love is dead?

The girl who got made fun of,
The one who cut her wrist,
Her story finally took a turn,
And the ending has a twist

She’s not alone anymore,
She has no reason to cry,
Her story has a happy end,
She doesn’t have to die

The girl who was close to breaking,
And almost followed through,
Well she has a new perspective,
And it seems she likes the view

Her friends all came back,
To listen and understand,
They really do love her,
And want to lend a hand

But darling if it wasn’t for them,
This girl she would be dead,
Thank god they had saved her,
She’s got a bright future ahead

Now she's on the right track
Her head in the right place
and she's got a bright future
That I can see, it's in her face

Her eyes now they sparkle,
That spark will never fade,
Because now she has strength,
To put down her last blade

The girl who got made fun of,
Who once wished she was dead,
Her story finally took a turn,
She's got a bright future *ahead.

I put your name on a rock
Sent it soaring in the air
I threw it at your house
When nobody was there

I broke all your windows
Throwing rocks and stones
It took all my might since
I’m all skin and bones

Then I took out my knife
Slashed your car’s tires
And hopped in the front
To mess with the wires

Next I sat on the sidewalk
And took out my lighter
Bent down to the grass
While fire burned brighter

Flames spread pretty fast
Almost reached your door
I watched with excitement
Just waiting for more

Burning against the dark sky
The house was almost down
It really was quite a sight
You could see all over town

I had destroyed everything
That ever belonged to you
But darling you destroyed me
So what else was there to do.

I’m sorry that I loved you
And you never loved me
I’m sorry that I hurt myself
And you never could see

I’m sorry that you left me
That day out in the rain
I’m sorry that I hurt myself
To take away the pain

I’m sorry that I went insane
That I make myself bleed
I’m sorry that you ran out
Took the one thing I need

I’m sorry I was depressed
Drowning without you there
I’m sorry that I loved you
When you didn’t even care

I’m sorry that I just lost it
They finally took me away
I’m sorry that I’m stuck here
Being monitored by the day

I’m sorry I harmed myself
My love for you left a scar
I’m sorry that you stole my
Heart and kept it in a jar

I’m sorry that I’m like this
But I wish you’d love me too
I’m sorry that lately crying
Is all I can seem to do

I’m sorry for everything
All the damage that I caused
I’m sorry I said “I love you”
And that after that you paused

I’m sorry you didn’t say it back
I fell too fast, too soon
I’m sorry I memorized you
Your body like a sweet tune


But most of all my darling
I’m sorry it had to end
I’m sorry all you call me now
Is your crazy ex girlfriend.

It’s as if you’re drowning
In a cold blue lake,
Your bottom lips shiver
Your brittle bones shake.

You want to come up for air
But my dear you can’t seem to move,
Paralyzed in this frozen lake
What have you got to prove?

Your eyes remain open
Just enough so you can see,
A man’s face at the surface
Leaning over on his knee.

You recognize the face
For it’s the one that you love,
It’s almost twisted the way
That he’s watching from above.

You want to reach out to him
To feel the very warmth of his touch
But my dear you are drowning
And his love is just too much.

Oh darling I know what you need
For him to teach you how to swim,
But he will only be the reason
That you drown, your every limb.

He follows her eyes
Looking at her fist
But his eyes continue
Up to her wrist

He pauses a moment
Shortens his breath
As if the sight
Shocks him to death

There lie a cut
Upon her wrist
I see for him
It was a twist

I expected when
He saw the red
For him to ask
Why she had bled

But instead he
Closed his eyes
What he did next
Was my surprise

He reached over
Unclenched her hand
Pulled up her sleeve
“I don’t understand”

She took her hand
Pulled it away
“No one understands,
It’s just my way"

“But why you” he asks
why self harm?
the answer’s written
on her arm.

But she can't change
Why they are
Because it comforts
To see a scar.

it was my body
broken and bruised
that you watched in vein
as blood oozed
down my shaking legs
headed to my feet
my heart so loud
you heard it beat
you watched my body
bruised and broken
listened to every word
I had spoken
yet still you felt
nothing close to love
just watched in vein
from high above
it was my body
you tore apart
because you never loved
me from the start.

Burn burn burn your love
For him and only him
Shining shining shining shining
Until the light goes dim.

Smile smile smile my love
Everything but a frown
Because because because because
I won’t let you drown.

Cool cool cool your love
For him and only him
Splashing splashing splashing splashing
Teach you how to swim.

Smile smile smile my love
It's not what it may seem
Laughing laughing laughing laughing
Life is but a dream.

If I told you I loved you
Then counted to ten
Would you run and hide
Or say it back again?
If I said one Mississippi
Covered by dark skies
Would you still be there
When I opened my eyes?
Or would you disappear
In the wind like dust?
I’m not sure of the answer
But in you I trust.

Put my faith in a bottle,
                                        and watched it *drain.

He came


He told me I was beautiful
So I felt as if it were true

He told me I was smart
So I studied something new

He told me I was his
So to him I belonged

He told me he would never leave
But that’s where he was wrong

He left


He told me I was ugly
So I avoided my face

He told me I was dumb
So I thought it was the case

He told me I was nothing
So that is what I felt

He said so many things
I ended up overwhelmed

How could such beautiful words,
& such hate come from the *same?
I don’t know how he said it all
But I’m done playing his *game.

watching you walk away
was like a bullet in my chest
you told me you wished me
nothing but the best

but how could that exist?
without the one thing I need
how can I follow
if you aren’t there to lead?

and who’s going to protect
me from everything bad?
who’s going to dry my tears
when I am terribly sad?

I bet you never thought
of that did you?
a bullet in my chest
it shot straight through

shot straight to my
still beating heart
took away my life
so away you start

off to be free of the burden
I was upon you
so you shot me in the heart
& it went right through.

though clouds cry
tears fall gently
I am amazed
I watch intently

I am under the sky

the storm begins
staring with rain
from sad clouds
incased with pain

he is under the sky

begin letting out
their terrible sins
a whirling wind
as faith spins

I am under the sky

twist of fate
sun shines through
rays extend down
it is new

he is under the sky

the storm stops
and clouds still
I watch silently
from atop hill

I am under the sky

I watch the violent sky
that is al I do
because storm or not
he is under it too.

*we are under the same sky

ringing ringing ringing
the phone off the hook
hoping hoping hoping
he’ll give back what he took

what he took is my heart
ran away with it
so I continue calling
it hurts, I’ll admit

when he doesn’t answer
and I hear that blessed beep
always in my head
even at night, counting sheep

the ringing never stops
for the phone is never picked up
and I continue to swallow
pills down, with water from my cup

they make me feel content
sometimes for just a moment
to help my bleeding heart
they’re just another component

I hear the ringing in my head
day and night it never stops
similar to the screaming sirens
heard when circled by the cops

ringing ringing ringing
making my ears bleed
the ring replaced by his voice
that is all I need

the sound in my crazy mind
the ringing of his phone
will he ever pick up his end,
or am I left alone?

You kiss too many
you're a *****
You don't kiss enough
you're a bore
You eat too much
you can't impress
But you don't eat
you weigh too less
You drink too much
you're a drunk
You don't drink at all
you're a punk
You're popular
you've got a clique
You show off
you're just a ****
You study often
you're a nerd
You fail classes
why that's absurd
You're going to be
something either way
They're always going
to have things to say
So whether I'm the
loser or the *****
I think I prefer not
to listen *anymore.