I am a human being.
Sometimes I feel I have to
Reiterate
The fact
That I am human.
The other night I woke up
At three thirty four
To be exact.
From a nightmare
Of irrational fears,
And hallucinations.
I laid in bed
In fear
Of my own sanity.
Yet,
As I laid there,
Shaking,
I realized.
I was alone.
It was almost four in the morning,
And I had no one to call.
My best friend?
She has problems of her own.
My boyfriend?
In a different time zone,
Three thousand, seven hundred, and sixty-eight miles
From home.
I was completely,
And utterly,
Alone
With
My
Demon
Thoughts.

And I don’t know why
I feel so alone.
Here I’d thought I’d
Be right at home.
But instead I’m crying,
Lost in my mind.
My thoughts turning
To your devilish kind.
Friends who don’t care,
Of my greatest feats.
Why would it matter,
That I’m one of the elites?
I run, I perform, I work,
And I Dream.
But that doesn’t matter,
To any, it seems.
Instead I seclude,
Retreating to my room.
A forlorn look to
My friends with gloom.
I’m alone.
Unneeded. Unwanted.
And Unacknowledged.
Instead of being praised,
I’m being discouraged.
Why should I try to do so well,
When all I receive is a change in subject?
I thought maybe this year,
I’d earn some respect.
Yet, I cry, I sob,
I fall, I hurt.
Lost in the cowardly
Refusal to assert.
I accept that I’m alone,
Though it brings me to tears.
That’s all I’m good for,
Just another set of ears.
So leave me behind,
A pair of eyes in the dust;
It’s not like there’s anyone else
To trust.

As I sit,
In the room with these,
Savages of social activity,
I see how the system works.

It starts with the gossip,
Then the shaming,
Every snide comment at
Someone’s expense.

Then, back to
“Normal”
Conversation.
“Have you seen this video?”
“Oh, it’s hilarious.”

“Wait, who texted who?”
“She’s doing Him?”
“What are we having for lunch today?”

They speak as if insults are normal!
Ratchet
Loser
****
*******
*****

I really don’t want to
Hear this anymore.

Can you stop?
Or is your tiny brain
Programmed
To speak that way?

“Oh god,
Look at her.
She’s so,
Insert insult here.”

You’re all the same.
Different face,
Same brain.

You
Hipsters of the modern day
Can go jump,
Because your version of
Philosophy
Is matching underwear
And ******* your “friend’s”
boyfriend behind their back.  

Do I want to sit with you?
No.
Why in the hell,
Did you even ask?

Denial.
The first stage of loss.
“No, they’re not gone.
Why would they be?
They’ll be home when
I get there,
Won’t they?”

Anger.
Two on our list.
“Don’t you dare tell me
That they aren’t here!
You know they are!
Shut up!
Stop!”

Bargaining.
Three.
“What if I had done
Something different?
What if I turned left
Instead of right?
What if...”

Depression.
Number four.
“Leave me alone.
No.
I really don’t
Want to
Talk
About it.”

Acceptance.
The last.
“It took so long,
But now I know
That they are
In a better place.
I have loved,
And lost.”

"I'm sorry."
No.
I don't think you are.

I tell you my pain,
Let you into my life,
And all you have to say,
Is "Sorry"?
No.
I don't think you are.

When I am sitting here,
Alone in my room,
Trying to cope,
Trying not to set the blame on me,
And all you can say,
Is "Sorry"?
No.
I don't think you are.

When my parents fight,
When money is tight,
When I try my hardest to put on a smile,
And all you can say,
Is "Sorry"?
No,
I don't think you are.

I rush outside;
Curses and shouts
Reach my ear.
“****.
****-up.
Freak.
*****.”
I don’t know
Anything anymore.
These demons follow,
They tear at me,
And in the end,
I die.

Today

Today I cried.
I tried,
But I couldn’t die.
Pills, pain,
Over, and over
And over again.
Now I’m stuck
In this white-walled hell.
Needles in my skin,
IVs in my veins,
Pumping liquids
And medicines;
Evil preservation of
The human cadaver.

Dear me,

One day, you’ll see,
That a small meal makes a victory.
But until then,
Again and again,
You’ll keep purging,
And pinching,
And dreaming;
That one day,
You’ll be just as skinny,
As you wish you could be.

A soul is calibrated to one’s self;
Nothing else can be as honed.
Although phantasmal in sense,
A spirit feels foreign
In a container unknown.
I was trapped,
Succumb to rigmarole,
Living a life that was not my own.
Fortune was not in my eyes;
A posthumous glare
Certainly shone.
I was deceived,
By he who I thought
Was known.
Although it seemed,
This body has grown,
On me,
A victim of con I was,
And I had become
Longing, and alone.

One
Single
Sentence,
Said off hand,
Yet,
It
Took
Hold,
Caressing,
No,
Smothering.
“Maybe,
You just weren’t
Paying
Much
Attention,
In the first place.”
“He
Obviously
Likes you.”
One
Single
Phrase,
Tearing away,
At
My
Heart.
“No, don’t be sorry.”
But obviously,
I
Should
Be.
The small scuffle,
Of
Our
Love.
“I love you.”
“I
Love
You
Too.”

I was growing a garden,
One filled with childish hopes and dreams.
Then, at the peak of my age,
I found that the garden that I had tended,
Was trampled with generations.

Now,
You see,
Society has changed us.
Salesmen are now the worshipped,
And the pastors the wronged.
Who knows what will happen next,
Maybe we’ll be speaking dog.

She claims she feels no pain,
That society has no effect on her.
Yet, red lines scatter along her body,
And a thinning body screams for aid.
See past her lies,
She needs your help.

I think of a time,
Where every man is alive,
Where dreams flourish,
And nothing dies.
I think,
Because I am human

Love is as strong as diamond,
Traveling over distance and time.
Experiencing such emotion,
Through the tears and the pain,
Lives a strength inside each of us.

We started shy, yet we grew.
The summer heat shining down,
Reminding us time was few.
Cherishing the moments we had,
Love wrapped its arms around us.

The day came, when he had to leave.
Duty called his handsome soul.
I was left behind, but not gone,
I had a commitment to uphold.
To stand behind the man I love.

Love is as strong as a diamond,
Traveling over distance and time.
Even when the pain of being away struck,
The strength of our love kept us true.
Whatever souls are made of, ours are the same.

Human nature works in such a way,
Where our dreams seem unattainable.
Such as climbing a mountain;
Reaching the summit,
A feat few know.
When the peak touches the skies,
Whispers travel,
“I wish I could see,
The world from above.
To touch the clouds,
Oh, what a feat that would be!”
Time is few for many,
But few have time to spare.
How could I ever dream,
Of touching the clouds,
When the pressure of life surrounds?
I may never reach that summit,
Although I dream to touch the clouds.
“Yes, the thing that you can’t get
Is the thing that you want, mainly.”

I sit alone,
Yet instead of feeling so,
I feel Numb.
It’s as if my emotions were
****** up into a Box,
Then burned.
To do something as
Simple as make a
Tear slip from my eye;
Gone, nonexistent.
Deep inside,
Possibly, maybe,
I feel Sadness,
Depression, or Anger.
Yet, on the outside,
I feel nothing.
I am nothing.
Numb.

Tears, falling like rain,
Sharp pain deep within my heart.
Humbling sorrow.

A babbling brook of blood
Veers violently and viciously.
Slipping silently through sunsets,
The trials and tears of the terrified
Add adversity to the adamant tide.
Hunters hound the hunted,
Sacrificing several subtle souls,
And manically murdering men.
Forever on the freshet flows,
With darkened death as deluge.

Everlasting Dreams,
Lurking in and out of the
Smokey cloud-like mist.
Entrancing Visions,
Slipping through the darkened trials,
Setting myself free.
Inspiring Words,
Claiming its relentless hold
On matured nature.
Insidious vows,
As pure and lasting as the
Promise it holds true.

They say man,
Was once a creature.
Four legs and arms;
A head with two faces.
The gods separated it in two,
Fearing its potential power.
From that time on,
Man lurked the Earth.
Searching far and wide
For their other half.
Together, they would
Rule the world.
The gods knew;
Nothing is stronger,
Than the power of love.

Son to father, knife to blade,
An aching heart screaming for aid.
Amber coals writhing with ire,
The whites of his eyes, blazing afire.  
He dropped to his knees,
Voice begging, “Please!”
“It’s for your own good.”
Up tall he stood,
Hand raised, dignified.  
A small child, victimized.

Years later,
That boy, a crumpled paper.
Age makes no difference to a broken soul,
With no self-worth, an empty hole.
Pain still lingers;
Sharp razor in trembling fingers.
A vein opened, flowing magma let loose,
Rope tied like a hangman’s noose.

A troubled mind’s only solution,
An unendurable pain, ended by execution.

The wall,
Closing in on your soul,
A desperate scream,
Begging for the door to open.
The wall,
Your mind,
All is
The same.

Venus, the
                                                                                  Goddess
Of beauty and love,
Surrounded by shrouded clouds,
An inner light unreachable
For all but one.
A competition erupts,
                                                                                     And
All fight for the
Prize
Of a one true love.
Mars, the
                                                                                       God
Of war,
A dark mystery of dust,
Battled for victory,
The prize, her heart.
Finally, the struggle ends, now,
                                                                                   Orbiting
The sun, as one,
Venus,
And Mars.
In time, they began to drift through
                                                                                      Space
Distance separating their love.
Strength was measured in tons,
The mind, in pain.
Soon,
                                                                                         In
Time, they would reunite.
Until then,
They would be
Trapped in a vacuum of
                                                                                      Love
And trust,
Till unexplainable destruction
Do they part.

Step after step you take,
You’d think that your heart
Would lock up
In chains,
Yet actions speak
Louder than words,
And at once,
The actions reveal,
Exposing your heart
And setting loose your soul,
Words hence unspoken
Now in flight.

Anger and misery,
Raging through my veins.
Emotions held back,
Long enough for today.
Walking away,
I gather my pain.

I sit alone, silently,
Few tears escaping my eyes
As I reach for my pencil.
Thoughts swirling, I begin.
Words flow onto the page
Like a whispering wind.

Dreams of escaping,
Yet, I’m stone.
I have to finish
The verses in my head.
Faster, I write,
Lines appearing as if magic.

The end,
It stares before me;
The last word spoken.
I drop the pencil,
Eraser and lead dull;
My mind at rest.

I want to taste the words
Unspoken
From your lips,
Trace lyrics of
Love songs
Dancing on your hips.
Caress the curves of every
Quotation mark,
Comma,
And parenthesis
On your skin.
After,
In slumber,
Our dreams will
Emerge with language.
Angels will sing
Us into our sleep;
As our bodies
Touch gently,
Limbs intertwined;
And weave our
Ink-stained souls
Into one.
Images of fire
Swirling
Round and round,
Emerge
From my mind,
You standing in the
midst of it all.
We awake,
Streams of sunbursts
Streaking our faces.
I glance at
You,
Face caressed
By light,
By fire.
My only love.

Death is portrayed as sorrowful,
Oh, but have you seen its majesty?
The incense of rotting flesh, and
Maggots weaving a trail of gore?
Imagine a body lying, contorted,
Ligaments torn, muscles cleaved in two.
Red splattered across a canvas of white,
A sadistic art of the modern times.
Many would turn away,
Disgusted and scared of the sight.
But I ask of you to admire,
To look closer at death.
For nothing is more beautiful than
Mortality exposed in its cruelest form.

Jealousy,
The green-eyed *******.
A single word,
Uttered in vain,
Then,
A sudden,
Sharp,
Pain.
Liquid Fire
Travels from reddened eyes,
Blink,
Wipe,
Repeat,
Until no tears remain.
Then,
There will be nothing,
But, emotion
Smothering,
Suffocating,
Killing.

From head, to toe
A balance beam of life
Trembles.
Angry hands shake with
The regret of death,
Large feet take baby steps,
Retracing his feats.
For a moment,
Dropping to his knees,
The man cries,
A lonely heart
Calling,
Begging,
For humanity to recognize
His kind-hearted
Demeanor.
An intelligent mind
Wavers,
Looking through soulless
Eyes,
Knowing not why
Abandonment
Exists.