I think our souls once casted the same shadow
And being young and stupid
We believed that meant we were one in the same
That we were meant to be
But just because the shadows look the same doesn't mean they are the same in the light.
Now our shadows are so different.
Love is such a odd thing
You can love someone who hurts you
And I mean LOVE them
And you can love someone who adores you
And I mean ADORES
But they often aren't one in the same
Love is a rollercoaster
And you're just waiting to get back to the beginning
Waiting for that smooth ride.
I wake up
And every hair is standing up on my arms
I lay there as I begin to remember my dream
As I remember a face I shouldn't be dreaming of.
Sometimes I wonder
What would happen if we were in an empty room together?
Would you make a move?
Would we act like the air didn't sizzle with anticipation?
I just wonder.
In an instance her body was no longer hers
It was theirs
Touching without consent
While she sat stunned
By such carelessness
Such boldness and fearlessness
You thought you could have her
Thought what you did didn't matter
But for her
She'll never forget
Your breath on her skin
And the look in your eyes
As she searched and begged
For a soul to ring back
Only to be answered by darkness.
My life has built me to associate love with pain
It's like they're bound together
That feeling when you miss them
And their absence feels like your soul being ripped right out of your chest
That feeling when they look at you, just look
It's that feeling when they say they love you
And they say they always will
And you let yourself believe that
It's when you're so deluded
That you believe so fully
That this was your first and last love
You see young love for what it is
A once in a lifetime experience
It cannot be repeated
You cannot love that fiercely ever again
But that also means you can never break that hard either.
Everything about love is bittersweet
But young love?
That's like biting in dark chocolate
When you were expecting milk.
I wonder if you ever listen to our song just so you can let yourself ache for a story that's over.
Are just perfect to crawl into
And your warm kisses
Just right after a long day
And maybe that's all I'll ever need
Feeling like marrying him
I promise I don't want you
Because I know being with you is poisonous
I know being with you has always been temporary
You're good at leaving
Even better at pushing away
But every memory comes rushing back when I see your picture
And my chest still aches
When I reread messages
And even more when I read old poems about you
Nine long years of love and friendship and heartbreak
And most days I'm okay
But every once in a while
I wish I could erase you.
If my womb is empty
And possibly even broken
Then why do your feelings for me revolve around that?
I can have kids and be with him
Or I can't and be with you?
These are decisions not quite made alone
You see my womb is empty
She may even die before her time
She wasn't build strong
And I don't know what she can hold
All I know
Is she hasn't held anything
She may never
But do not love me
Or do not not love me
Because of what she may or may not one day hold.
I call you beautiful
As though I am not
As though I was not worthy of having you
Except I was worth it
Because a beautiful face hides so many lies
And a beautiful body hides even more
And so it's fair to say you hid a lot from me
Behind all the beauty was deceit
And I'm okay if people don't see me as beautiful for my face or body
Because I know my soul is just perfect.
Actions speak louder than words
Has never meant more to me than it does now
Coming home to you
Just hours wasted
Wondering if I marry you
Will it always be this way
Will you always tell me you love and appreciate me
While sitting idly by and watch me struggle to want this relationship?
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to fight for those I love.
After a long week I'm just plain tired.
You still echo
It still echoes inside of me
And I can't help but dream of you
Dream of what was
Of what never will be
You're an echo
You screamed into my heart years ago
It's just so large that I can still hear you.
I had a dream about seeing you again. I had a dream trying to fix my relationship by ruining it. It was rough.
It's all about how many punches you can take
Everything else is just a pretty bandaid.
I remember high school
My first love and I
We were rabbits
Passionate and endless
Anywhere we could make love
We definitely did
I remember how every touch
Every hand graze
Excited me to my core
I just want to be excited like that again.
This is so complicated.
Have you ever looked into someone's eyes?
Usually it's weird but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal right?
But have you ever looked into someone's eyes?
And every part of your body comes alive and you're just so sure it means something, I mean it has to.
It's amazing how just a look
Just eyes on yours
Can send chills through your entire soul.
I'll admit I can be selfish
Selfish for loving the way you love me
I'm so selfish
To ever ask for more
Selfish to let you stay
Knowing I feel this way
Knowing I want more
Knowing that I don't have butterflies anymore.
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
It'll be my birthday wish this year.
And I wonder when you run your fingers across my back
If you feel the names etched in of those who've changed my life
For the good and bad
Do you feel them
They carved each one themselves out of memories.
My brain writes your name between each thought.
In another universe we would have been soul mates, and in another we would have been best friends. Now we are neither. Just fading memories and that's okay. But sometimes I need you not to love or make love to but simply to talk to. You knew me more than anyone else. Even on the days you didn't quite love me. Maybe you could tell me what my heart wanted right now because my love life feels like a disaster. It's painful and exciting all at once and for all the wrong reasons. And I wish you were sitting next to me telling me exactly what I want. So I could disagree only to discover you were always right. That's how we worked. Or maybe that's how we fell apart. All I know now is that I don't love you anymore and that's the most liberating feeling I have ever truly known. I was trapped in this vortex of you. The one where I was determined to have you. And the problem is, the man who pulled me out of the vortex is no longer the same man making me happy. He's no longer the one making my heart twinge the way it use to for you all those years ago. But I'm wearing a ring I made engraved with forever. I'm trying to fall in love again. Because I loved him so much I swear. And I wonder if this is how you felt when we ended. When I would come over and crawl into your bed. I wonder if you tried to fall in love with me again the way I hope I fall in love with him again. And I want it known I do love him but I want to be in love. He makes me smile. But sometimes he makes me cry. Sometimes he makes me really hate myself. And I know I can be a sensitive person but I don't think he quite sees how his words break me sometimes. I want to choose him. I do. I want to say that one day too; I do. But here I am with this twinge in my heart that I'm trying to bury or force away. I tried that with you. I did. But I still ended up loving you nine long years. Tell me first love of mine. How do I say goodbye before I've said hello? How can I choose him? Because the love in his eyes remind me so much of the love I had in mine for you once upon a time.
To all the girls and women who have been brave enough to face their trauma and come forward and report
I admire you so much
You are SO strong
All four times it's happened to me
I laid there like a deer in the headlights
Like a possum playing dead
Waiting for it to end
So I could walk away in tears
And hopefully never see them again
To bury my trauma so deep no one can ever find it
And there you are in court
Locking them up and throwing away the key
I wish I did that
I'm so sorry I didn't
I'm always afraid that I'll run into them
Afraid they did it again
Afraid of remembering
But every time I cry it seeps out
Because no matter how hard I try to bury it
It's a part of me
A part of the story line that cannot be erased
I just need to keep reading and hope the ending it happier.
I shout out to my soul mate
And all I hear is the echo of my own voice.
And it stings
It stings from head to toe
The words you say
They hurt each and every ounce of me
And you'll never understand that
When one mean thing
Sends me into depression.
Why does it feel so wrong
The way you make me smile
It reminds me of the way I use to smile
Before my first heartbreak
Before depression and anxiety
When you make me smile
My heart pitter patters
And I know it shouldn't for you
But it's just so good to smile.
Someone says your name
And I cringe
Like poison dripping from my ears and piercing my chest
The memories I've tried to bury deep within myself
So deep they almost touch all the trauma I've blocked out
I passively say
I hate that name
And resume my task
But for a few moments
I have to fight off the flashbacks
The replay of every moment I spent loving you
I fight back my feelings of angst knowing the man I sleep with now
Just doesn't give my heart quite the same ping you did
But I find solace in the saying that every love is different and I hold onto that when I crawl home to him and I'm greeted with an embrace.
Please don't say his name.
My crazy seeps out
And you see it
I just hope it doesn't scare you off too much.
Ring on my left hand
And I have the audacity to wonder
Do I love you
My heart aches when we fight
And I laugh when you do something silly
But sometimes I'm so unsure
And it makes me angry
No, it makes me feel guilty
Because last time I loved
I was so sure
So completely sure
And here I am
Ring on hand
Climbing into our bed
Is this love?
There's a gnawing in my chest
Whenever we argue
This immense pressure
Like at any moment the fragile pieces of my soul might just shatter
And this feeling stays after the argument
Picking at my every flaw
Waiting for me to bleed
Because tears just weren't good enough
This pressure is only alleviated when I smile again
But who will do that for me?
I still dream of you sometimes
It's a weird feeling
Waking up with your face imprinted in my head
It's not the you that you've become
But the you I knew when we were young
Young and dancing around the love that would come to grow and die
It's weird to feel a love that has gone and to know it'll never come back.
You're a fleeting desire
You're here today
But in a few blinks
You'll be gone
How do I pull myself out.
I jokingly say
I'm gonna jump off a bridge
And you laugh and say you're coming with me
But you don't see how close I am to the edge do you?
How do you poison
Even the simplest of acts
With no ill intent you somehow shatter the pieces I've been holding together all day
Then apologize and fain support as if you didn't just tear me apart
How can someone who loves you always be the one who hurts you.
She wrote your name
And wondered why
It just looked so right
She wrote your name and knew, it would never be beside hers
She wrote your name in a dream, and couldn't believe how much she wanted you.
She wrote your name in a dream, and when she awoke she knew, she could never write it again.
And I wonder what it means
When I can still taste you
When I wake up
And I wonder why it is
I only dream of you now.
My hand under the blanket
As I imagine you
Every touch we've never had
By body tantalizing
It's so wrong to think of you
While I lie next to him
But my body
It doesn't care
It's fun just to imagine
I hold in your name as it all collapses
I dare not let him know why it happened so fast.
I love you
But I don't know if I'm in love with you
It breaks my heart
Knowing I could break yours.
They mean the hazel sparkle in your eyes
They mean the way you smile at me
And make me giddy
They mean the way you run your hand through your hair before you show me something
They mean your beauty could **** hearts.
While I can never forget the ecstasy of your body wrapped up in mine, it is not that in which I miss the most. At least, not especially.
More than anything I miss talking to you, words just poured out of me with you. I always told you the truth even if it hurt.
We live these separate worlds now, our love too toxic for this lifetime. But I miss those ears listening to my heart. Always knowing me better than I knew myself.
Tell me how.
How do I say it.
How do I tell you.
I'm just not happy anymore.
My body aches
Aches for intimacy
Aches for motherhood
Aches for change
I need a new beginning.
My heart and body
Are being torn apart
Do I want love
Or love making
I cannot have both
Not from the one I love.
I had loved you for so long
So long it ached with every breath I took
And now years after
All I can agree we had in common
Was great ***.
Kings have reigned less time
Than the years I spent loving you.
I'm glad it ended 10/4/17
I love you
Depending on me
To do basic needs
Turning an arm injury
Into a lifetime of excuses
I don't know what to do
Because there's this boy
Who actually seems like
Just slightly more of a man
And there's you grown
And slightly more childish
And my heart is flustered
And my brain confused
And I just wish you would grow up.
A kiss so sinfully delicious
That the devil himself
Cannot bare to watch.
He loves me more
Why is that such a scary concept for me
Scarier than when I loved you more.
Scarier than loving him back
Why does he love me more?
Because it's impossible to forget
That gut wrenching pain
That feeling when you truly think your heart has broken
All the tears cried
And all the short breaths
Not sure if I wanted to breathe at all
Not sure if living without your love was worth it
I remember what it was loving you
It was heartbreak.
People love to reminisce,
They love to remember high school days
But for me
That's means remembering you
The break ups
And the fights
The love making in hallways
And broken promises
The lies and mistrust
Remembering isn't always fun, sometimes you remember heartbreak
So when someone tells me to look back and remember
I'll tell them I only look forward.