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1d · 31
Fairy tales
Once upon a time
I fell in love with this man
And this man
Would break promises
Break my heart
But I was sure he was the one
I was blinded by love
I never saw the pain he caused
I loved him so completely
I believed I would never love again
Then one day
I met this other man
And this man
Truly kept his word
He was a dreamer
And no matter the day
Or how untrue it felt
He made sure he called me beautiful
So much so I'd believe him
And this man is the man I intend to spent my life with now
It is possible to love again.
Getting engaged in two weeks
Apr 29 · 37
Skin deep
I use to tell myself
You were so good looking
That I should be grateful You would even look at me
Nevermind love me
But these days I realize
I thought you were good looking
And maybe you are
But sweetheart
I'm beautiful in ways that my outer shell will never show
I was good enough for you
I was always good enough
We just weren't meant to be.
Apr 29 · 77
Devour
There are so many things I want you to do to my body

Listen to my requests
Please my love
I just want to slip into bliss
Apr 29 · 38
Whole
I finally took all the broken pieces of myself
And put them back together.
Apr 27 · 38
Don't love ya
I don't love you anymore
And after nine years
That feels remarkable

I don't love you
Just the memories

It took me so much time
But it's so freeing
Letting go
Is peaceful.
I'm happy now. I think you are too. I'm glad we found separate lives after all.
Apr 26 · 100
Slow it down
Slow down
Baby slow it down
I can stand here with you
For the rest of my life
And never get tired
Let me just stare
At those hazel eyes
Just a little longer
Just nuzzle into you
A bit more
Baby slow down
I don't want this to end
Stop time for me
I want to enjoy every moment.
Apr 26 · 45
Tainted 10w
My blood is tainted
Who poisoned my ****


Tell me.
PCOS.
Apr 26 · 38
Planning for Forver.
You're buying my ring
Planning this future
But I'm scared

Scared of being loved
I've never felt this before

No one has ever looked at me

The way you always look at me

You make my whole world right

I spent years
YEARS

Thinking this was impossible

I was in darkness so long

And then you came along
And you changed it all

You're everything I
Always hoped for.
Eric, my love, my savior, my perfect accidental love.
Apr 26 · 865
Drop of you
The worst part
Of loving someone so deeply
Is that when it's all over
There's a piece of them in you
Forever
There's always a drop of love
Even if it's mixed with rage.
Mar 4 · 104
Haunted by you
You are gone
Or the you that I loved
And yet
I still awake
From dreams
Where you are
Where my heart aches
You see
The you that I loved
He is forever stamped
In my heart
And I've tried
So hard
To erase it
To scratch it out
To forget
But it's no use
I'm haunted by you
Haunted by a you
That was everything to me.
I've moved on. I need dreams to stop interfering.
Feb 1 · 120
Fever
Eyes so bright

Dreams so big

Blind me with your love

Hug the patience into me

I don't know how long I can wait.
Feb 1 · 1.1k
Name
I still cringe when I meet someone with your name

Your name

Like the slowest poison
It never leaves me

Just slowly eats away

Ah your name

How I wish I could eradicate it from my soul
Oct 2018 · 159
Where art thou motherhood
Growing up
I was taught
Marriage came first

Growing up
I saw this almost never happened

Growing up
My friends had kids

Growing up
I was told I might never

Growing up
Right this moment

Growing up
Means wiping the tears away and trying anyway

Growing up
Means finding the patience

Growing up
I believed everything I wanted was possible

Growing up
I learned that's not true

Growing up
I learned dreams change
And so do possibilities

Just keep growing
One day you'll be old enough to know it all.
Oct 2018 · 72
Shadow memories
I fight with him
Something so minor
But it hurts me
And I think it reminds me
Of the way you'd hurt me
Then I can't stop thinking,
Thinking of the last ten years
All those years between you and I
And I think that speaks volumes
Still trying to forget
Sep 2018 · 123
Lock and Key
Boom boom boom
She knocks on the door of an entity
Shaped like an ***** she long forgot
She hears whispers
Alas no answer

Boom boom boom
She knocks again
The silence from the other side
Ringing in her gentle ears
And she begins to wonder
Will she ever again find the key
Oct 2017 · 383
Tsunami I love you
You're in my head
You're in my heart

Soon you'll be in my bed

I'm falling
Falling hard and fast
And nothing can catch me

I'm scared to go
And scared to stay

My love is a tsunami
It'll drown you

I'm trying to hold back
Trying to prevent the first waves
From crashing down
On these freshly paved moments

But the water's coming in too fast
There's no draining this flood.
Haven't written in a while... Especially about someone new.
Sep 2017 · 378
Change me
I always want the wrong people
Always want someone who doesn't want me
How do I constantly do this
Why am I never the one to be loved

How do I change everything about myself because I feel it's my only choice.
Sad today. Feel really unwanted.
Aug 2017 · 287
First
There is no turning back
There's only you
Poison in my veins.
Hope I can love again
Aug 2017 · 308
Refresh my life
I hate when I feel lonely
Because I can't stop thinking about you
Can't stop wanting your touch
Can't stop aching at every memory

I hate when all I want is you in my lap
My fingers running through your thick soft hair

I hate when I let myself accept my undying love

I want a new start

I want a new love
I want someone who won't break my heart.
Aug 2017 · 276
Sad words
It's sad how much I've written for you

Written about you

It's sad how much I love you

Imperfectly perfect you

I want to forget it all

But erasing all these words

Would be erasing a huge part of me.
Aug 2017 · 2.7k
Warning
Warning
I will love you

Warning
I cannot handle friends
As lonely an abyss as it may be

Warning
Your eyes will start to scream forever

Warning
Your mouth will start to promise it

Warning
Time flies and it feels like we're on a seesaw because nothing is ever good or bad long even if they feel like the longest days of my life

Warning
We are sharing a bed
We have named our children the ones we don't have

Warning
You hold me every night
Make love every day
Until the time comes you don't do either

Warning
You are slipping and I'm suppose to catch you but I'm falling apart and you're sending mixed signals

Warning
Because even after years of being lovers and friends you cannot be honest with me

Warning
We will end over and over again
You will break my heart so many times

Warning
I will come whenever you call or text
Because first love isn't one you forget

Warning
I will climb into your bed
Make love half a dozen times
Sleep beside you
Hug you back everytime you hug me

Warning
One day you won't invite me over anymore

Warning
One day you'll have a new woman
Make new promises you'll break
Name new kids
Or say you never wanted any to begin with

Warning
You'll message me to complain some days
Other days you'll message me almost as if to gloat the nothingness I have

Warning
I will still love you

Warning
I will never really stop

Warning

I still see the world in your eyes.
Aug 2017 · 369
So When I Cry
Please know if you have been in my life this is for you

This is for my mom who was always judgmental
Who was unsympathetic
Who on multiple occasions threatened my life if I cut myself
Because that totally made sense

This is for my father
For moving in and out of my life
More often than my taste in music changes
Who always says he wants to start fresh
Unaware you cannot erase the past
Or fill in the blank places in my memory when you weren't there

This is for cancer
For stealing my first best friend at seven
And everyone around me expecting me to know how to handle it

This is for my first love
Who came into my life at a mere eleven
You too moved in and out of my life
You have broken  me infinite times
You have made me feel unloved and alone
Even when you were suppose to at least be a friend
You can't seem to understand that you
Are my first love and as such I will never stop loving you
You have used me before and even that couldn't sever it
I wonder when you proposed at fifteen if you loved me
I mean it's clear who loved who most in the end isn't it

This is for the man who sodomized me at thirteen
You were probably in your 30's
Didn't speak much English
But you knew I was young
Did you know my mother called me a ***** after?

This is for the man who stole my virginity at fourteen
Who was at least ten years older than me
You kissed me one day
Invited me in the next
Promised you wouldn't take off your shorts if I didn't take off mine
And instead took off both of ours

This is for the elementary teacher who saw him kissing me
And instead of stopping it closed her window

This is for my depression and anxiety
That started at twelve and still hasn't ended at twenty
The cuts never scarred me and that always upset me

This is for the two boys who used my depression as a gateway
To use my body
Who ****** me at fourteen
Who pressured me until I gave in
Who wouldn't leave my house until they finished

This is for me
For hating myself so much I'd let anyone use me back then

This is for my first high school boyfriend
Who forced his hand down my pants after I ended it
And who I had to crawl away from so he would stop

This is for my " best friend" and her boyfriend
Who at sixteen brought me to their place to study
And instead held me down together
So that he could **** me
And then pretend like nothing ever happened
It was not easy telling my first love about that
We were dating so he assumed I was confessing to cheating
Even when I clearly said it was **** to the couple
My love went out and got a ******* from a ******* as revenge
He didn't tell me for almost a year

This is for my first friend with benefits
Who called me "baby, sugarplum, princess"
Who ****** me once a week
Who texted me every moment of everyday
Who made me feel special and cared for
Who made me want him
But suddenly got a girlfriend
Not that it stopped him from sending me pictures
Or telling me how he wants to touch me

This is for any man who seemed interested
****** me or used me in another way
And then never spoke to me again

This is for the guy who desperately wanted to date me at nineteen
I can forgive you for the rancid way you smelled
And I can forgive the fact that you didn't close the door
Whenever you used the bathroom
Or that you made me smell like cigarettes
But I can't forgive the fact that you ignored me
When I said no and stop and cried as you ***** me
And I will never forget the aggressive growl you let out

This is for my second and last friend with benefits
You wouldn't kiss me or touch me
Just take from me
I was an object to you
You wanted to date me but I knew the type of man you were
Infamous for being a player
And just two months ago when you assaulted me
Moments before your new girlfriend showed up
You laughed at me and said you were just playing
But being held by my neck and grabbed at
While saying no and stop didn't feel like a joke to me
I wanted to tell her but someone said you broke up
And when I finally had the courage to say something
Everyone, including my best friend yelled at me

This is for the guy who was my best friend
Who had claimed to like me for nearly five years
And when I'm finally ready to give him a chance
He uses me and tells me he still has a girlfriend
After asking me out just the day before

This is for the loneliness that is setting in

This is for my best friend who yelled at me for waiting
Who complained to me last night about being sad
When she has everything I have ever wanted
She has the fiance, is pregnant, and has a career in a field she loves
But sometimes even the world isn't good enough

This is for all of my dreams
I was three when I started wanting to find love
I was ten when I started wanting motherhood
I was eleven when I wanted to work with animals
I was eighteen when I felt like I lost my soulmate
I was seventeen when the doctors said I might not be a mom
I was nineteen when anxiety and depression sent me running
From every classroom in tears and wanting to die.

This is for you so you know when I cry
It's because of all of this
It's because everyone I have ever counted on
Everyone who should of been there hasn't
It is because I have been broken more ways than I can count
And it is a miracle I am alive
Because for years I swore to end it all at eighteen
Here I am an unhappy twenty though
Still waiting for it to "get better".
Broken tonight
Aug 2017 · 874
Victory
Every smile
Every laugh
Every tear
Every attempt to hide the sadness

It is all strength
I am living
I am surviving

My past
My story
It's a tribute to me

It shows I can live
Even after heartbreak
Even after ****
Even after assault
Even after being used by friends
Even after losing friends

I have survived this long
I will survive the rest of my journey

And in the end anyone who has Crossed me will see

I am victorious
I am special and wonderful
And they lost out on having me
They lost out on my love and care.
I am Victoria and I will be victorious.
Jul 2017 · 166
Lost Everything
Swirling
Swirling so fast
All down the drain
I can't seem to get a grasp
On anything
It's all slipping away
How do I stop
My whole life from
Going down the drain
How do I stop
All of it.
Jun 2017 · 338
Will I Die?
Each day I think
"What if one of us dies today"
And I know that's a grim way to look at things
But I know if it were to ever happen
I wouldn't want us to be like this
Living separate lives

I don't want to die not knowing if I ever meant anything
And I just don't want you to ever die
Because I love you
And even when I think about dying
I think about you
Not me
Just my life
Just you.
To me,
The craziest thing about life is how
You can spend all these years with someone
Have all these memories
Have all these plans about marriage
About children and promises of a forever type of love
And one day it's gone
Because **** got too hard
Because someone bailed and couldn't deal
Because they don't want to fight for any of it

The worst people are the ones who make the plans
And then cancel after getting you excited about them.
Jun 2017 · 269
Now I'm Seamless
You've been cutting at my heart for years
The smallest remarks or wrong wording
Just tears at the seams of my heart until
There are too many ****** holes for me to fix or fill
And all I wonder is was it an accident or did you plan to **** me all along?
Jun 2017 · 193
I Wonder
Sometimes I wonder if you see our memories like I do
Flashing by in your mind
Every smile and kiss and tear
All those years
All those precious moments

Sometimes I wonder exactly at which point in those memories
You decided you did not love me anymore

Sometimes I wonder if you knew I loved you
With every single bit of my soul
When you had me sleep in your arms


Sometimes I wonder
If you maybe loved me
If maybe you felt like we belonged together the whole time
Or was it just me?

I wonder if you knew just how many tears
And how much pain I have felt since I met you

I wonder if you know
How hard I tried not to love you
But it's engraved in me
And nothing and no one can etch it away
Not even you hurting me for the umpteenth time

I wonder if you miss me
Because I miss you every morning
And I miss you every night
And **** it I miss you every moment in between

I wonder if you care at all
Or if you've just passed me off as the crazy girl
But f* man I feel like I was just in your bed
And now someone is in my **** spot
And yes that is my spot
Because I can guarantee they don't rub your back
Or let you be the little spoon
Or play with your hair the way you love

I wonder so much
But it'll never be answered
I am just a dumb girl
Who fell in love with a crazy boy
And now we're all grown up
Living these separate lives
And I just can't see myself being happy that way.
Ramblings of a mad woman
Jun 2017 · 327
Teeter totter
Teetering between
I love you
And I will wait
And I will fight.

Tottering with
I need to leave
I have to stop this love
You'll never love me
You will never fight for us.

I will fall one way or the other
But the in between
Is just as scary
As imagining a life without you.
Not a good one but its been a while and I'm all types of irrational.
May 2017 · 538
Gotta Live While We Can
My greatest fear
Is that one of us will die
Way too young and way too soon
And the other one will be left
Wishing that instead of wasting our time
Looking for someone else
That we had made things work
That we were meant to be but never can be
What if I don't wake up tomorrow
Will you miss me
I will miss you.
May 2017 · 240
Anger
For the first time in the years I've known you
I'm finally angry

Angry at all the broken promises
The leaving
The leaving
The leaving
The ending of us
Over and over

I'm angry you made me feel
So special
And you go and toss me aside

I'm angry at every man
Who has seen me as an easy target

Whether for my lack of beauty
Or my heart that is too big for my own good

I'm angry at you
At everyone
At myself for letting it happen

I'm angry for the pain

But most of all I'm angry
Because I know I'll always forgive.
May 2017 · 325
Wish upon a thousand stars
Do you ever just make a wish
Whether on a star, a time, or any other thing
And have this part of you truly believe
It will come true?
You were that wish </3
May 2017 · 160
Wrong signs
You hugged me every time I walked through the door

We held each other on the couch

We made love in nearly every room

You kissed my cheek almost every time

You accidentally called me beautiful
Or at least now I believe it was an accident

I washed your dishes

We ordered food
Watched movies together

Laid on the floor staring at each other

Laughed together

Smiled

You called me "babe" on accident each visit

I held in "I love you" a million times

You kissed me randomly

Let me rub your back and run my hands through your hair the way I know you love

You cuddled up to me so much

I slept in your bed

I slept in your arms

But whenever the end would come

A switch went off and I was lucky to get a hug goodbye

Never really got kisses goodbye

I should have known from that

But I hoped so much all those little things meant something

Meant I meant something

But I guess everyone's wrong sometimes.
May 2017 · 161
Cursed Generation
I don't know the monster who poisoned the well of loyalty

But I do know he deserves a cruel death.
May 2017 · 140
Untitled
There was a love in her heart
No one could ever quite understand
Not even herself
And each day she lived
She wish she didn't love
Didn't love a man who either;
Couldn't love her back,
Or did not exist,
Or who claimed to love her and broke her

There was a love bestowed upon her
It's been there since birth
And she's never quite known why

She's never known just what to do
And she is so tired of crying
Because a love like that hurts so **** bad

She's hoping one day her love
Will finally be cherished
Finally be shared
But for now
She lays awake
Dreaming beautiful daydreams
Because she can control those for the most part
It's the dreams she has when she closes her eyes
That cause the most fear
Because what if,
What if they come true
And she never gets the love she needs.
May 2017 · 134
Just my luck
Rip out this love

Rip it out this instance

RIP IT OUT

I can't bare knowing it'll never be returned.
May 2017 · 181
Snapping vines
One step forward
Two steps back

That's how it is to try moving on

You can't forget first love

You can never truly stop loving them

So I wasn't your first

I couldn't be

Here I stand thinking about a life,
A life alone, a life without you,

And in those thoughts
All I want is your hug

You're like vines
Beautiful life
And yet they can trip you
They can hurt if used as a weapon

You were always the strongest weapon
It was so easy for you to break me.
Eternal forgiveness my love.
May 2017 · 195
I Hope You Read This
Joshua, I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna save and make a life for myself. I'm gonna travel to Canada and maybe down south and find a man with a accent that makes me smile every time he calls me beautiful. I'm gonna make mistakes and I'm gonna learn to forgive myself for them. I'm gonna accept that I will always love you. But more than that I will accept that you will​ never love me back. I will accept the heartbreak and the pain because it's in the past now. And yes I will cry myself to sleep sometimes and I know I'll be lonely sometimes but I will learn to love myself. I will learn to smile more. I will learn to trust again. I want to be happy. I want to live my life even on the days I say I want to die. I will accept what does or does not happen and I will be happy with whatever life gives me. I'm always going to forgive but I will never forget. I hope you're happy. I hope you get to smile every day for the rest of your life. I hope you find a love as strong as the one I feel for you. I hope you get everything you want from life. I hope one day you see just how amazing you are even if you're not always perfect you were perfect to me. And you'll be perfect for the girl you end up with. Live your life the way you want Joshua. Never let anyone or anything hold you back from what you want. I've done that for too long and I won't anymore. Thank you. Thank you for being my first kiss. My first love. My first lover. My friend. Thank you for showing me true happiness even if it showed me true pain too. Thank you for being you, crazy, amazing you. Maybe in another life you could have chosen me. Maybe. A girl can always dream.
May 2017 · 228
Numb
I didn't feel a **** thing before you walked into my life
And when you walked in
I felt everything
And I didn't know how to deal with that.
I'm too broken for this world. I cannot be happy alone. Only numb. Only passive.
May 2017 · 292
Destroyed
I don't know what's harder
Having you in my life and
Not having you
Or
Not having you in my life

Either way I'm broken and alone

Either way I cry myself to sleep.
I don't feel like I can be fixed or saved anymore. This pain is like all the heart breaks in one.
May 2017 · 329
Final realization
My love,
As much of it as there is,
Will never be enough
To make you love me back.
We will not end up together. You do not love me
And saddest of all I know I will always love you.
May 2017 · 200
F U
F U
*******
*******
*******
It's what I do
I hate you
And more than that
I hate that I can't stop loving you
And trust me I've tried
*******
For using me
For holding me
For kissing me
For not wanting me
For telling me you cared
You never care
How many heart breaks
Can one man give one girl
Before she dies
I hate you
But I love you
It's like a curse
And there's no breaking it
*******
**** me
I hate you
I hate me.
May 2017 · 214
F U
F U
*******
*******
*******
It's what I do
I hate you
And more than that
I hate that I can't stop loving you
And trust me I've tried
*******
For using me
For holding me
For kissing me
For not wanting me
For telling me you cared
You never care
How many heart breaks
Can one man give one girl
Before she dies
I hate you
But I love you
It's like a curse
And there's no breaking it
*******
**** me
I hate you
I hate me.
Apr 2017 · 265
Insecure
Often I'm insecure
Because I will never measure up
To your idea of perfection
I will never be perfect
I worry I'm not enough
That I never will be
But to me, you always will be
And I don't know how to make myself enough  
I just hope you see that no matter what
I will always love you
I hope you see my efforts
I hope you realize
For me
Time doesn't change what's in my heart.
Apr 2017 · 316
You Are/Mind Reader
You are everything I've spent my whole life looking for
You are the only way my story ends happily
You are the only person who motivates me
You make me want to be the best me I can
You are the reason I know what love is
You are the reason I know what happiness is

I cannot read minds, not for lack of trying
So I don't know for sure if you love me back
But when you kiss my cheek in the middle of making love
And when you hug me tight as soon as I walk in the door
I have all the hope in the world you do

Sweetie, let me tell you,
I'm pretty **** bad at expressing my love in words
But you are the brightest thing in my life
Which is so ironic because you are such a pessimist
But you are my favorite pessimist

You inspire me
You are the craziest and most creative person I know
You are amazing from head to toe
You are the only one I know who rocks bedhead
You are my favorite person in this world

I hope one day
Things won't be so
Complicated
I hope one day
I can tell you I love you again
And my ears will be blessed enough to hear it back.
Apr 2017 · 272
Pitter Patter Heart
I wonder what others see when they look at you
Anytime my eyes meet yours
I feel the pitter patter of my heart
My lips burst into a smile
I can't stop it in time
You tell me to stop staring
But how can I stop staring at perfection
And I know no one is perfect
I know in the past you've hurt me
But when I look into those eyes
It all melts away
And my heart is home
I am home
You are perfect to me
Even though you're crazy
Even though you're complicated
Even if you are not mine
I can't stop staring
Because I can't accept how lucky
I got the day you walked into my life
I love you inside and out
Always and forever
Nothing and no one has been able to change it.
Always and Forever
Something we always said
Something I still mean
Mar 2017 · 564
Besties and Lovers
In one swoop I could
Lose my best friend
And the love of my life

And maybe I wasn't
The love of your life

But you always were the love of mine.
If I could put my love for you
In words
Or in actions
I think it would enact world peace

That's just how much I love you
That if I could express it

The whole world could feel it.
Mar 2017 · 208
Misses Love
Don't tell me you miss me
When you're lonely

Tell me when you're
With friends or busy

Tell me when I least expect it

Tell me all the words you know
I want to hear
But only when you mean them.
Mar 2017 · 243
Terrible twos
My heart feels like
A two year old having a tantrum

It's screaming
Love me!

Love me!

**Why won't you love me?!
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