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Sometimes I question pouring myself out

Telling someone every bad thing

Every nightmarish part of me

I want them to tell me I'm strong

I want them to pity me just a little

I want them to try to heal these scars

I want to tell you every dark crevice of my soul

And tell me it's okay.
I think I'm still trying to fill all these wounds

Each bullet from another traumatic event

Fill them up

Fill them with things I know

Are just as bad for me

But if they hurt less than the bullets

They must be okay

Right?
I don't think I know love

You see,

For the entirety of my life

I was so sure

I was positive I knew her

I knew her inside and out

I knew she was beautiful and kind

But I feel like the fairytale just shattered before my eyes

Like this painting I've spent my life working on has just been doused

I thought I knew love

I thought she was my friend

More than that I thought she was life, air, I thought she was a necessity

But as I grow and age

I begin to wonder if it isn't love I need

Just the warmth of a body

Of a hug

After hours of crying

Just a kiss

After a day long headache

I wonder if love knows

She isn't perfect

If she knows how many days are spent yelling and arguing

There's this bitterness to life that I never anticipated

And I still don't think my body has quite learned how to process it

Maybe one day I'll learn

Maybe one day I'll understand love

Maybe.
It's like I keep trying to piece back these broken shards

They were once a whole beautiful vase

And now they're pieces scattered across our room

I don't know I to put a band aid on to make it better

How do you fix something so broken?
I think somewhere along the lines

My brain and heart got together

And decided it wanted you

I don't know how to get them to stop now.
She plays her life on repeat

Thinking about all the wrong turns

All the wrong words

All the things she wishes she could take back

The love she wishes she could just inhale back into her lungs

Pretend it never existed
Along with so many other cruel things

She wishes she had learned control sooner

Control of her heart
Her fears
Her naive nature

Always trusting
Always giving

Always laying herself on the line
For those who don't give her a second thought

She replays the moments she was happy

So few of these make them that much more precious

To live her life over
Would be a great gift.
****** tension so delectable
The best buffet one could attend
I can eat forever.
Even if I'm the only one eating.
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