Call me crying, sweetheart.
The sound of you cracking,
would be a joyous symphony
to lonely ol' me.
Your defeat would only affirm
my prophesy.

I love you, kid.
But that doesn't mean
I don't want you to be
absolutely miserable.
Get ******, call me bitter,
cruel, or a synonym of sorts,
but allow me to remind,
my use of the word "love".

I saw you stand alone.
You had a majestic, individual soul,
now you are a blinking projection,
of what some hungry boy wants
you to be.

How often do you see him
when you don't undress?

How often do you whisper,
"I love you" without making a mess?

I hope all your thoughts
are second thoughts.
I hope all your fantasies
turn to lucid dreams.
I hope your tethered body
tears from the seams.

I love you, kid,
and I want only victory.

I need a girlie girl.
So feminine.
That needs to be cuddled and coddled and fondled and touched.

Softly.
Caressed.
Slowly.
Undressed.

So passionate.
Open to true oneness.
In mind, and body, and soul...
Unified by a love that never gets old.
I'm sure it exists, though it escapes my hold...

And I'm reminded every night...
By the shivers that I fight.

My bed.
Sure is.
**** cold.

So frequently do we hear
of the intoxicated eyes
with nothing behind them.

So frequently do they face
repudiation
from the isolated introvert.

They can't see straight
they can't think straight
they willfully walk the line of self destruction.

These eyes swirl around me,
and here I stand:
confused and fascinated.

A brief feeling of at home:
surrounded by eyes
as empty as mine.

I pulled myself along
the freezing tile,
leaned over the shower,
My teeth went through
the grinder as my brain
was struggling to breathe.

I vomited and vomited.
I had no water to drink.
I had no one beside me.

In the other room they
were laughing,
they were laughing
           they were laughing,
and I had no water to drink.
No one beside me.

I began to quiver,
I began to call out,
but nobody heard me,
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold,
             I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'M SO COLD, i'm so cold, i'msocold.

So,
I pretended I was talking to Mary.
I'm not sure what made me go to her,
I whispered her questions, and answered.

Mary asked what was going on with Lauren.
"We don't talk much.
She's trying to find her freedom.
She was a kindness, and now she looks at me with hate."

Mary asked if I was okay.
"Aside from just throwing up, I'm dandy."

Mary asked if I had another girl in mind.
I laughed detached,

"I drank so someone would take care of me,
and there's no one beside me,
and I'm freezing,
and they're laughing,
and Tyler is so far away,
and this tile is bitter,
and I'm SO COLD!" I roared,
hoping someone would come and aid me
to rest.

My phone lit up to my side,
a message,
Kyri said she is moving on,
that was the fourth woman
to tell me that in the last week.

There was a shift in the movement
in the next room,
I thought they remembered me,
but they were all leaving.

I'll be looking forward to the day you walk away.
To the day I can finally scream in your face.
The night I'll cry myself to sleep..
That should go on for a few long weeks.
Until we reach the 21st week we'd officially not be together.
The morning cries will stop but somehow, however,
your face, your touch, and your tender kiss will be burned into my mind, soul, and body.
Because I love you, and when you leave, I will miss you..
So much it'll practically **** me
to see
your beautiful face in the hallway.
Or your strong warm arms around her; acting as if we never meant anything.
But to me, we were everything.
From what I said before, I'm sure you're a bit confused..
And, baby, I would love to enlighten you..
But I just can't seem to muster the words to say...
Nothing. Because you are not worth my anger or my poetic word.
You aren't worth my tears.
And though losing you I fear,
I refuse to come sprinting after you when your pretty face decides to walk out of my life, forever.
I may love you but there are some things I just can't do.
That I just won't do.
Because you see, I'm hurting.
I'm hurting so bad.
And the only reason I would be glad
to see you leave
is so that this pain will stop taking over me.
These tears, they cut like razor blades and
as they flow they're washing our memories away
so they stain.
These tears, they stain, and for the first time in a very long while
I think I might be going insane because
everytime we fight, I am to blame and
I'm sitting here hoping that these razor blades pouring onto my cheeks will carve away my shame.
'Cause baby the fact that,
I L O V E Y O U,
just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.
And when I say,
I M S O R R Y,
you just shrug it to the floor.
'Cause you know, it would never occur to you that when you act this way, it kills me
and this silence
is deafening.
You think you're so in control.
And maybe you are but there's no need to take advantage.
'Cause i'm l-l-losing myself in this moment, this poem, and baby I just want you to know
you're beautiful.
And maybe I don't deserve someone like you..
But even if I don't I still shouldn't have to take
this heartache.
You know as well as I do how easy this heart is to break
but
it's still beat-beat-beating strong in my chest because
at the end of the day I guess
there's nothing much I can say to you.
Because everything in this poem you already knew.
And I am so tired and I am so scared.
Because I feel that the end is coming soon and it seems I'm the only one who cares.
But tell me baby, can you bare
to see me walk away?
'Cause I remember on the phone I know I heard your voice shake.
And I know I heard you hesitate
when you said you weren't so sure about us..
But maybe that's just my wishful thinking at it's best.
So tonight as I lie down to bed,
I'll think of you.
Even though you don't want me to.
I'll be waiting, dreading, fearing to greet those 21 weeks of misery.
Pure misery,
with you as it's company.

It's hard to be sad...

I have to force myself to hate all the things that I love, like reading on a warm sunny day or late night drinks with my loved ones.

I try to make others around me feel the same way, by moping around and making others feel sorry for me. My friends deserve better than that.

I think terrible thoughts like no will miss me if I died, or that I'll never have anyone love me, even though I know that's not true.

I just want to be happy again....

I will be happy again.

Desperate kisses
Taste roses and peaches
Grips hair
Breath trembles
Desire
Lust
Craving
Yearning
Velvet bed
Tight flower
Hot sheets enchant
Untie corset
Unhook garters
Fingers dance slow circles
Pouring wax
Stroking oil
Soft hips
Tongue stroking...
Strawberry shudders
Unyielding teeth
Weak pleasures
Sultry sway
Heightens raw need, greed

Burst Cherry
Exquisite cries
Swimming body freely
Skin glides
******
Penetrate
Damp Rhythm
Primitive, Swollen, Ragged, Fevered
                                                       ­                                         ****.

Soft Spoken Deals
A Rough Caress
and No Common Sense

Lead me to you

Cheap Whiskey
Inexperience
Flirtations

Made it come true

for one night

Hours pass by
fogged up windows
backseats
reeks of regret

Lost Innocence.

You watched your life, Flickering through the trees
I heard your pain, Whistling in the breeze
You were only seventeen, Curiosity in reams

The wood was the place, where you were misinformed
You were naive, I'll shelter you from the storm
You were only seventeen, Curiosity in reams

It is time you stood against the treachery and grime
You lost your innocence but soon the bells will chime
Please open up your heart because loving is not a crime
And just maybe one day you will be free,
I know someday you will be free

You bore that child, Sent her out into the world
Make sure she is safe, Like a sail that has been furled
She will soon be seventeen, Let her follow all your dreams,

And let your tarnished halo gleam.

Then she will be free,
Then you will be free

*(September 2010)