I'd rather drown.

I've never been one for fire,
but
I'll let you light me up
my guard is down
but
my blinds are shut
I'm starting to realize

I don't know what I want
I need a new outlet
because
I'm hurting
I'm spinning
like the heat waves trickling across
so black
tar
like
burning
I'm
Flames
and
Ashes
Bits of dust across a beaten path that has seen
Better days
see
I'm starving to
decay
I'm starting to
burn,
bones
brittle
O'

I'm just dizzy.
Spinning like a ferris wheel at roller coaster speed I'm spinning faster faster faster and there you are and there you aren't I need you but you aren't here anymore you won't be you never will be were you ever? Swirling tornado shake me up a little more and maybe I'll spin right out of this mess and roll out like a red carpet affair and be ready for you. Be ready like laced shoes at your doorframe or my pillow bed of feathers and love and our scent but no. my load isn't done washing and don't try to set me out to dry because the soap in my pockets of skin will only leave my skin dry to snap crackle pop and blister in these dangerous days of blazing candles over head and new and old lovers hiding in every shaded nestled spot where the wax is still hot but the candle fire doesn't quite reach just like you haven't quite reached me where I'm up here climbing so high limb by branch by twig by peg by hole in the wall that gets me higher and higher but stop spinning me in this silo so I can get down and put my feet on the ground I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't want to fly yet I told you I did but I wasn't finished as a caterpillar down here but then everything seemed so catatonic no shoes by the doorframe no air or candles or paths just swirls and spins and tossing our places we shared and turning our intimate moments paired and twirling it like a ball on my finger tip to show off my talent of controling a situation that not so secretly is controling me puppet your way over here my dear the strings attached and so easily they enjoy the shame and the selfish beast at feeding time where it doesn't matter anything but territory and well you crosed mine so I clawed and bit at yours thrashing like an animal sickly enjoying everything I used to fear and becoming a monster slowly inside. Brewing and boiling up from these candles and spinning too abrupt stop mixing the concoction before it's done don't let me be done don't let my fumes out they're toxic and yet you lock yourself inside the garage of myself and rather suffocate you take me in with each inhale and each exhale I'm no longer. I come in and transfer to dissipate and find nothing but small particles of myself foggy in air too small to do anything like the ant in the treed army of grasslettes. You just don't get it but I don't either. I don't know if I ever will.

Wait
for me
baby.
I keep asking
Are we there yet?
Are we to that place
of warm honey
and
watermelon smiles.
Wait
for me
baby-
we love
this style.
and with You,
I feel the warmth
of a thousand
sweet kisses
rushing over me
pouring into me
Expanding
my capacity
for this,
for you,
For L-
-
are we there yet?
when our lips
share secrets
and our Mouths
all heated and
anxious
at
every
touch
when our skin
gets that
Electric Twist
I have to pause a second,
Are we there yet?
and we fit the pieces together
So
Nicely
and
Precisely
but I have to ask-
Are we there yet, my dear?
and stumbling
into each others lives
at such
the ideal Time
and
thisisalltoomuchforme
Are we there yet?
to the place in my heart.
That
One
Special
Place
my Dear,
Are we there yet?

Well,
I don't play your waiting
Games
but you can bet that
I'll play
You.
You'll be the first card
out of my hand
of
Five.
Yeah,
you'll be my first
Exhale
in my morning
Ride
With my stereo blasting
and my soul in
Drive
you'll be the first song
I play
just to put you
Aside.
Yeah,
you may discard me
like a Joker
but my dear
I'll beat your hand
in Poker,
Yeah-
You'll be the first card
out of my hand
of
Five.

Never,
could I Ever,
repay the way
you once
lay
your skin,
nestled and
buried
within,
my limbs.

Never,
could I Ever,
replace your scent,
it lingers.
and I dreamt,
of the days
when the grass was blue,
and the sky was green,
and everything we ever held,
was everything inbetween

Never,
could I Ever,
turn you around-
you say you're
Inside Out,
I say I'm
Upside Down,
but you're choking me dear
when you cut me out

you've left me behind
up and left
with that same old
one
track
mind,
it may
sound funny
but from time to time
I close my eyes,
and yes-
it's you,
that I find

draining me
of
every
piece
of
courage
you planted in my seed
and make sturdy the branches,
of our growing
timeless tree.

and I know it's for the better,
dear
really you haven't got a thing to worry about,
here

but
Never,
could I Ever,
love like
the notes that your voice would flow,
or
the handwriting with me that you wrote,
or
the skin with
which
you know,
me.

Never.

could I Ever?

You said, "I know I used to be smart"
I said,
"I know,
I used to be
in love."

I used to be
Venus.
Now
Andromeda,
with my Pegasus,
waiting for
your bones
to fill this empty skin
I
am sunk
in.

Hush now,
Our bodies know this
know each others,
yet become
another,

One soul of lovers-
we have become,
one
soul,
my lover.

They told me to listen to what my heart says and my fingers will translate from there.

I went back
to him
To 6th grade
back to 8 years
of anticipation

to his dimples
his hazel green eyes and
and I was going to stay on the couch but
when his hands
melted to my skin
they felt like home.

There we were
my clothes
falling off
my bones
and the goosebumps
dancing
on our skin

the moonlight pouring
through the blinds
spilling onto us
like milk.

I told him I wasn't ready
but he said
8 years
and I've never looked better
for anyone

Our eyes
they wrote books
to one another
and told our story
wrote
our story
and slowly
turned
the pages

as our
bodies distributed the ink.

Dipping
and carefully writing
history onto each
others bones,
into each
others bodies

I am stained forever
with your ink.