You seep into me, like a black ink stain. Controlling my urges, and feeding my pain. Your fingers twist into the depths of my chest, pulling at veins. A burrowing pest.

Your rotting confection sticks to my itching teeth. A liquorice taste, leaving me bittersweet.

I get lost in my darkness, and cling to your light. But it guides me to nowhere, as you steal my sight. A zombie for your heavy pets, and your soft wet kiss.  Your eyes were my windows, but you've pasted over them with bricks.

I search for you in galaxies, and worlds lost upon me. I run to you in nightmares, and pray for you in dreams. The empty air that fills my lungs, and staggers all my thoughts. The skeleton left in my closet, plotting to leave me to rot.

I have no plans of letting go, or willing this to end. I'll hang on every word you say until the very end.

I'll kneel at the alter of your lacking religion. I'll weep for your aching parts, and all you're missing.

I'll worship you like you're a God, and lick your wounds like a dog licks his scars. My Eros who longs to take over me, my Poseidon who can't find the sea. Come to me when your body is worn, and your heart is weak, and your mind war torn.

Take my heart, my soul is your host. I'm in love, but only know your ghost.

I crave your taste upon my tongue. Stinging my senses with the sweetest poisonous honey.

I want my demise at your hands, softly stroking my skin as my sighs fill your ears. As the tingles on your neck send thoughts to me that any father would demand we repent for.

The taste of your fingertips on my tongue, blinding me to judgement and the stories of Greek mythology that end in a demise created from carnal desire. I want you to destroy me in sweetest way.

Falling down a rabbit hole of sin, and reckless abandonment. The taste of you overwhelmingly clogging my senses, and my teeth softly attached to the skin on your neck. Taking over you with abandonment.


I want your marks upon my flesh, branding me and reminding me how long this may last. I am at your alter begging for release. Begging for you, begging to find me. Begging for your peace.

All I want is you on top of me is you free, and your heavy breathing when we send each other to the places we need to be.

Pretty thoughts tangled in ugly sheets.

Take what you need, and I'll keep the memories.

I've written a million poems, a million words about you. They're all worthless, and could never do your existence justice. Could never unclench my heart, or dry my sweaty palms.

Not a single letter could be added to any word to properly describe the utter being, and ethereal being that is you.
My pen is useless when I look at you. My words are jumbled symbols that make no sense when you even sigh.

My fingertips lose all magic. My art is worthless when I look into your eyes. There is no delicate stroke of my pen that could truly form the words that describe what I see in you, or your soul.

I'm merely a fool, lovesick and throwing up complicated nonsense that my soul cannot contain. Poe would be ashamed.

****. I just love you.

The sweetest love is always the love that feels unattainable. The sweetest taste, with a bitter undertone. Euphorically stinging your tongue. A dark chocolate that settles like poison in your stomach, sickening your insides. A craving for a diseased confection that destroys the soul. You yearn for a stomachache, a heartache, a soul darkened in the purest way.

I see constellations within your eyes that keep me warm, and dream of being wrapped within your galaxy, inside your arms. I want to be your moon at its highest high, that calls to you like the rough waves tide. You are the reasons stars exist, a fairytale feeling I cannot resist. A pathetic poetic way to spill my heart, like an open vein, that only gushes metaphors and thoughts...and bitter sweet nothings only your ears can hear, your mouth can taste, your heart only can feel. A Demigod forced to live within fallen grace, with a sinner who could never perfect her place. I know inside, what I wish for your eyes to seek, will truly never be. 
That may just be the death of me.

And he picked her from the blanket and looked into her brain. Stared deeply in her brown eyes and knew that she'd cause pain.

Knew she'd cause destruction and it would be in vain. Knew she'd be a heartbreaker and it'd be her claim to fame.

While he traced her small, soft black curls he knew he held a universe, a Galaxy , his world.


He knew that someday he'd have to let her go. To be free, to learn, to continuously grow. That day he knew was nowhere near, but tears choked him. Full of fear.


There would be people who would try to tear her down, bruise her self esteem, taint her crown. They would hurt her and tell her that she was worth less because what was between her legs and under her dress.

They would show her the meaning of love and the pain that comes from loss. They would deny her truths and dethrone her in her Kingdom as her own boss.


But she'd also know sunshine, smiles, happiness, and gain. How to walk through storms, and dance in the rain. How to love without limits, and how to harness the pain, and use it for strength, for power, to gain.

So as those hard tears ran down for miles, he wiped them away with a crooked smile.

For he knew that she'd find her place in the world. His beautiful, fearless, baby girl.

I was a flower you plucked from the ground, crushed in your hand, but made for a crown. You hurt my petals, neglected my leaves.

   I had to go, I had to leave.

And my painful words set me free, and I sent them to you as flowers. You, who stopped me from growing.

So you'd remember, always knowing. The flower that you tried to break and bleed, was finally free. As wild as the sea, and happy to be.

I feel the heat and irregular heartbeat wash over me. The widen of my eyes and my bodies surprise at something that feel so good makes me so low. You lift me up and make me lower than a dog in a ditch. I come back for your addiction,  and cuddle the affliction. I skip around the room on you,  ignoring my impending doom. Making friends with the sober introverts in the room. You embarrass me, but my veins and blood are too blind to see, and my voice too scared to speak. Inhaling you slowly, with my eyes closed in pleasure only a woman truly embracing her demons can feel. You're what's real,  you're all I feel. My heel. And as I start to come down looking for a card or razor I remember that I'm a ******* mess in a ***** dress, nothing more than a hidden bore with an addict's appeal

I feel your misery swept under blankets of false smiles.
I feel your sadness swept under grins and empty photos.
I feel what haunts you swept under hair flips and winks.
I feel the pain you haven't moved on from, swept under silly little one liners.  
I hope you someday find the happiness you've been telling the world you hold.
Peace is the goal, and fake happiness always becomes too heavy to hold.

I made your misery my home. It has become a part of me. A rash on my skin that itches when you're away. I'll never stop scratching.

You have no idea of what you destroyed inside of me. You have no knowledge of the light you took from me


Nothing feels okay. All the walls are closing all. All I think about are my sins. The pain doesn't end, it only begins.

I want to rip my heart out my ******* chest. Anything to stop it from beating so painfully from old memories.

I cried for you, I cried for us. I cried for what I thought we had. I cried because I was so wrong. I cried because there was nothing left.

How could you deny me? How could you turn your back on what we had, and all I had given you? You left when I needed you.

Maybe someday you'll come back and treat me like the person who gently held your heart. And not some stranger you cruelly tore apart.

He has a way with words and a habit of mistakes. Don't let him steal your heart, don't let him crush your soul. Save yourself, let him go.

I want to kiss your face, and always tell you it's okay to make mistakes. I want to hold your hand, and let you know I believe in your plans

You are everything I don't need,  but grown within me like a crooked ****. If only I could find the key to unlock the shackles you've bound to me. The chains wrapped inside my bones and squeezing my soul. You are my disease that I'm never sure if I I want to cure. A love that makes my heart yearn but sore. I know inside I'm free to go but emotionally can't leave this sick freak show. You are my sickness and my fantasy. How can I leave so easily. My kidnapper, my lover, war,  peace, and my pain,  my calm and my storm. You've always said it'd be you and me. This is not true love,  just Stockholm Syndrome to me

They will call you a friend,  but that's where it ends. No comfort,  no truth, no help, and no shelter. Looking around for the ones who you call home,  but looking around you see you're alone. The moments,  the talks, sharing,  the feel. What do they mean if they leave you with nothing that's real? Friendship, such a flaky words. Such an unsure thing, an untrustworthy word. We spend our whole lives to find people with whom we can intertwine, only to find some things are only sweet lies. But the beauty of being a human you know is that you have yourself,  and you aren't really alone. So with pain in your heart and the truth in your soul you must close your eyes and you have to let go. Your soul will be fine, and your heart it will bind. Those friends you are leaving were toxic inside.  It may hurt, and the wounds may sting,  but being with yourself is sometimes the right thing. Let yourself free and start anew. You don't need friends,  you only need you.

Missing the trains, cars, and 3 AM bars. Excitement of the city, and the ache brought a pity. Of wanderlust she had once held in her hands and taken for granted. The adventure she had left there still overflowing in her heart. She had forgotten to appreciate the crowded avenues and beeping buses. The soft, gentle green grass of Central Park. The quiet and timid clink of silver spoons in coffee and tea shops. She missed the old rickety benches full of history and graffiti. The rough paved streets lined up with taxis. The food trucks overflowing with various smells calling your name. Even missing the loud taps of heels as businesswomen rushed passed her, to catch a meeting, a lunch date, a train. She realized what she thought she didn't want, was all she really needed. She thought she needed quiet and she thought she needed serene, but we all begin to realize nothing is what it seems. She knew what she needed to do, and she knew she would do it alone.  She would pack to go far, and get in a car,  going back to New York.... Her real home.

Constantly searching for serotonin. Because norepinephrine won't let me breathe. Dopamine, you're my dream. Epinephrine you stagger me.

I found myself and lost you.
I let go of your hurt,  found my strength anew. Picking my pieces up off the floor,  realizing you mean nothing anymore. You were an addiction,  a haunting, an affliction.  A monster terrorizing me and, my pride that had given up helping my needs.  Depriving me and calling it love. And there are sometimes I'm completely ashamed, my strength in vain.  Because I look for you...the monster under my bed that hasn't yet truly left my head.

You wear your shimmering black crown as you breaks others down. The vainly shined gems crooked with harsh words and skeletons trapped within them.  Your  ball gown dripping with the tears of ones you have brought down.  Walking down the red carpet laid down by the demons you have made your friends.  Pointing your finger at the world and critiquing the lost. Not caring of the pain that it costs.  Your ruby red lips emptying a venom so toxic,  so deadly,  and steadily a direct hit.  A fire within you that burns souls. Covering the mirrors all around to hide your own flaws and see yourself, never opening those self evaluating doors.  As I watch from my chair as you just don't care.  You berate me,  and say that you love me but hate me.  You have rusted my crown, so crooked and brown. You have broken my throne, and left me alone. But someday you will rip off your undeserving crown and will see your real self and truly be found. You  will rip off the curtains and stare into the mirror, and your cruelty,  regrets, and mistakes much clearer. Dear sister, one day you will see,  how truly destructive your reflection can be.

He fell in love with a wolf, and every night the trees and dirt called to her. Every night he let her run to the woods. Her mother earth.

She just wanted to get away, she just wanted to be whole. She just wanted to find home. A place she could rest,  finally find a nest.  She just wanted a life with more peace and less strife.  Banging her head on the bathroom door,  screaming, crying,  and yelling "no more".  She could be anything she wants and more but instead she lays there...weeping...on the cold bathroom floor.

I found myself and lost you.
I let go of your hurt,  found my strength anew. Picking my pieces up off the floor,  realizing you mean nothing anymore.  You were an addiction,  a haunting,  an affliction.  A monster terrorizing me,  and my pride that had given up helping me, depriving me and calling it love. And there are sometimes I'm completely ashamed, my strength in vain.  Because I'll look for you...the monster under my bed that hasn't yet truly left my head.

She was so lost and unsure, so broken, unpure.

Homeless bones in her body, a starving and aching soul

Her eyes so hollow from so much pride and pain forced to swallow

And a smile that just never fit, like an unhappy church wife quietly sitting at the dinner table, regretting everything

Her soul constantly searching through oceans, woods, and mountains

Looking for something, anything to find herself within. A butterfly caught in a jar, a wolf stuck in a cage. So utterly broken in so many ways.

Her spirit crushed but never truly destroyed, her crown bent but never broken. As she continued her search for her home, she knew she'd fine some way. Some peace, some of herself.

All alone.

As she dusted off her weakened knees, ripping shards of ****** glass from her feet. Scraping and ripping off the lies and deceit. Never cowering or giving into defeat. Treated as a peasant, but born to be seen. A weak person's worst nightmare, but a destined strong person's dream. She was full of strength, but pulled and hidden from her light. But the darkness couldn't shake away where she was most bright. She roared like a lioness, breaking out of her cage, using her pain and using her rage. Using her power that fit like a glove. But soft and so graceful, as sweet as a dove. She ran from the violence and skipped through the mud. No longer swallowing the hand fed fake love. She ripped off the chains and the tape from her mouth. She broke all the shackles, and she busted out. She healed all her wounds, and broken bones on her own, she built her own castle, she crafted her throne. She rose from the ashes, a crown upon her head. Saving her soul from its pre made death bed. She took back her freedom and fought for her life. She gave her heart rest and in turn a new sight. She'd chose herself, and she chose what was right. She protected her soul and she saved her own life. She had no idea but to the world they see... a leader, a survivor, a warrior, a queen.

This goes to all of the women who stay up late thinking about someone who hasn't treated them right. Thinking about how much hurt someone has put them through, not being able to eat, not sleeping. Not wanting to go outside or get dresssed, not feeling or trying to look pretty. Who barely have strength to dance, paint, write, compose.  Randomly crying through crooked smiles trying to hold it together. To those girls who lay in bed asking God why weren't they enough, to the girls who are begging God for the strength to deal with the mess they've been surrounded in To the women dying to feel alive again. Dying to get their soul back, dying to heal. Dying to feel like a human again.
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TREATED THE WAY YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED, AND IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. Your soul isn't gone, sweetheart. It is only in repair.

Upon a small rock I saw a girl crying on her knees, a hair bow crumbled in her hand. Staring off into the deep blue abyss.  My heart knew the words she wouldn't speak to me. I turned to her and said "Fall in love with the ocean, not boys". Reluctantly wiping tears from her face she stared at me. "Excuse me?" She said, bewildered for many reasons. I repeated "Fall in love with the ocean, not boys. We sit around waiting for them to come back, but don't the waves always come back to lap at our toes? We die for mystery, doesn't the sea give us that? Thousands of territory undiscovered. Under that water is a paradise. A melody we always know, a freedom we may jump into, a secret we may be in on. Something so beautiful that will never hurt us, never ask us for anything in return. Something that never makes us doubt ourselves, never judges us. Waves that never ignore us but speak to us in a language only our soul knows. Something so beautiful, so vast, so....forever yet we focus on boys and the pain they give us. Wasting so much time on temporary things when we have natural beautiful things that heal us in our face. Dear, jump into the sea and be one with something that you never have to worry will leave you alone." She dropped the bow, smiled at me, reached her hand out, and we ran and jumped into the vast sea of healing.

She wanted to go home, back to stars. No more lonely boulevards and loud cars. No more expectations and broken promises. Just back to the place where her heart wasn't heavy and her soul full of darkness. Where the wonder and magic still tingled on the tips of her fingers, and no gravity pulled her down to the cold reality of the world. Just back home. To the stars, where the planets belonged to her and twirled around her, pulling her hair gently with care,  and her future yet untold was still promised  a galaxy of love, wonder, and no more pain.

She fell in love with the darkest parts of him. The pain, the despair, the hurt. She fell in love with the cold parts that never got to see the sun. The parts that were starving for love. The parts he hid under the bed and in the closet, buried within empty spaces of his ribcage. She fell in love with the burdens he carried that weighed him down like cement blocks tied to his ankles dragging him deep down, under the raging water. She fell in love with the despair that he dealt with every night, that tucked him in singing a lullaby of echoing tears and lost faith. She fell in love with his crushed spirit and weakened soul. She fell in love with his fear of losing everything, even her. She fell in love because deep down she knew it was a part of him. She fell in love because she knew the truth, his darkness was his truth. She fell in love with who he truly was. She fell in love with him.

She opened her heart and soul, and let it all go. The pain, the hurt, the lies, the skeletons dancing in the closets surrounding her like cages. She let it go like a small child carefully holding a butterfly caught within their sticky, soft hands. All the soul crushing truths, and self loathing unexplainable thoughts. The  dark and monstrous self hate that harboured within her skin and slumbered in her bones . All the fake friends and real hurtful truths of the world around her. All the lovers who had left her with nothing but broken promises and shattered ideas of true love. She let it go, and exhaled the darkness that was eating her alive. She realized what it meant to be at peace. With how things go, with how the world works, with how people treat the ones they love and hate, and with how we hadle it as humans just trying to function and live. Finally able to feel at peace and free, as free as the sea.

Such a delicate heart, like a flower. So bright and red, welcoming the world. Petals open, ready to accept the universe and be one with the seasons. The world began breaking her down. Pulling her petals, blocking her sun, stealing her sunshine and rain to grow. Crushing her to pieces. Taking all she had. Her heart's beating slowing to silence. Her life being taken, her soul drained like a flower starved of fresh water. The world slowly stomping on her, crushing her, picking at her pieces, leaving her with nothing but pieces of petals impossible to put back together. Leaving her to die, the world had taken all she had. A flower, crushed. A pure existence tainted. The cruel world had poisoned her, leaving nothing to save her.

She was rotting from the inside. A piece here and there. A smile on her face, downing the bubbling medicine in her champagne glass A decaying mannequin. Holding up her freshly manicured hand calling over for another dose to get through the mundane conversation surrounding her being and malfunctioning mind.  Gifting fake smiles and dead twinkles of the eye. A prisoner of the silver spoon. An apple dying to fall far from the tree. The mental patient living in a mansion. And as she excused herself from the table she realized this was her only reality. She would never be free. Her destiny was to be only a pawn, a collectible in the bourgeoisie.

As she sat on the floor, back hunched against the door thought I am not made for the world anymore. As she took out her pen and began to write words, she vomited heartache, things destroying her soul. As she cried over photos of her loved and her lost, she lit them on fire all memories tossed. With a look around her room and a black stare so cold, she quietly whispered "I want to go home". Brushed her hair softly back for the world to see..the anguish, the pain, and agony. Gripping the polished wood of her chair, she stared into the darkness saying goodbyes to despair. A life full of emptiness with no sun in sight, she felt to be free she'd exchange her own life. And as she calmly and firmly tied the rope so secure,with her neck firmly choked, feet dangling from the floor, she decided that life wasn't worth it anymore.

And as you fill my senses with the empty sweet numbness, I think I'm ready to stay with you. My heart beats slowly and eyes lower like a well behaved child in the church pew and my head tilts towards the ***** ground it feels like home but I know it's prison. Like a pure white dress that fits just right, but maybe too tight. The powder white lace choking my neck as I reluctantly walk down the aisle to my imminent demise. I thought I was ready to stay with you forever. To keep you close in my pocket, to consume your little moments of paradise. Till death do us part. Till you suffocate me, leaving me to die. Marrying my abuser, inhaling you through my nose, clogging my emotions. Blocking my thoughts. As the priest tells us to say our "I do's" I look towards the sky and like a runaway bride I demand my freedom. Crawling through the church door. Leaving your sweet gritty taste in my throat behind. And leaving with you my chains you lovingly wrapped around, demanding I stay. But I will always remember you. Always, as something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that has left me blue.

I forgive you. For the pain you inflicted, for the nights I spent crying over you. For the insecurities you gave me, for the memories you lit on fire. For the mistakes you made that I apologized for. For the friendship you turned into a nightmare. For the nights I spent up wondering what was wrong with me, why I didn't seem to feel worth much to you. For the love you gave, and then the cold shoulder that followed. For the disbelief that laid tight in my chest like a fist. For the smoke that came from your lies, choking me, making me cough up excuses for how you treated me. For the good times times you make me regret. For the talks that meant everything, but mean nothing now. For the truths I'll never be sure were lies or not. For the distrust of love and people you helped instill in me. For saying you'd always be there, and then leaving. For the fact that I still care so much for your well being and pray for your happiness, even though I know you don't care if I'm alive or dead. But most of all I forgive you because you helped me realize that in life sometimes painful things happen and we cannot stay bitter. We must move on to better things, to brighter things, to better people, to brighter people. We must move on to heal, to finally see our worth, to understand that not everyone or everything I've lost was not a loss, just a lesson. To finally know what it feels like to be free of the pain, the bitterness, the resentment, the despair. To finally feel and know peace in such a hurtful situation. I forgive you. Not even for you, but for myself, and other people like me who have felt this before, and aren't yet ready to forgive for an apology they didn't truly feel they got.

Let me tightly hold your hand and take you to another land. Somewhere only we belong, where the clouds are pillows, soft and warm. And the sand a california king, where we gently lay our heads. Staring into each other's eyes, I see the stars within your mind. Somewhere our hearts can freely sing, where there's no pain and our spirits ring. Where our souls softly mesh and our peace can finally rest. Somewhere we can finally be free, holding hands...you and me.

And we held each other as we weeped for our earth.
Our mother.
Mother nature, she gave birth to us and watches us as society hurts us, neglects us, and abuses us.
Feeling her tears in the rain, and her pain in the cold wind, her worry within the brewing storms, and discomfort in the scorching sunshine.
We take comfort in one another knowing someday things will get better my beautiful sister
And no longer will we cry tears for our mother's creations.
For our mother's home.
For our bodies that the world is destroying.