She fell in love with the darkest parts of him. The pain, the despair, the hurt. She fell in love with the cold parts that never got to see the sun. The parts that were starving for love. The parts he hid under the bed and in the closet, buried within empty spaces of his ribcage. She fell in love with the burdens he carried that weighed him down like cement blocks tied to his ankles dragging him deep down, under the raging water. She fell in love with the despair that he dealt with every night, that tucked him in singing a lullaby of echoing tears and lost faith. She fell in love with his crushed spirit and weakened soul. She fell in love with his fear of losing everything, even her. She fell in love because deep down she knew it was a part of him. She fell in love because she knew the truth, his darkness was his truth. She fell in love with who he truly was. She fell in love with him.

She opened her heart and soul, and let it all go. The pain, the hurt, the lies, the skeletons dancing in the closets surrounding her like cages. She let it go like a small child carefully holding a butterfly caught within their sticky, soft hands. All the soul crushing truths, and self loathing unexplainable thoughts. The  dark and monstrous self hate that harboured within her skin and slumbered in her bones . All the fake friends and real hurtful truths of the world around her. All the lovers who had left her with nothing but broken promises and shattered ideas of true love. She let it go, and exhaled the darkness that was eating her alive. She realized what it meant to be at peace. With how things go, with how the world works, with how people treat the ones they love and hate, and with how we hadle it as humans just trying to function and live. Finally able to feel at peace and free, as free as the sea.

Such a delicate heart, like a flower. So bright and red, welcoming the world. Petals open, ready to accept the universe and be one with the seasons. The world began breaking her down. Pulling her petals, blocking her sun, stealing her sunshine and rain to grow. Crushing her to pieces. Taking all she had. Her heart's beating slowing to silence. Her life being taken, her soul drained like a flower starved of fresh water. The world slowly stomping on her, crushing her, picking at her pieces, leaving her with nothing but pieces of petals impossible to put back together. Leaving her to die, the world had taken all she had. A flower, crushed. A pure existence tainted. The cruel world had poisoned her, leaving nothing to save her.

She was rotting from the inside. A piece here and there. A smile on her face, downing the bubbling medicine in her champagne glass A decaying mannequin. Holding up her freshly manicured hand calling over for another dose to get through the mundane conversation surrounding her being and malfunctioning mind.  Gifting fake smiles and dead twinkles of the eye. A prisoner of the silver spoon. An apple dying to fall far from the tree. The mental patient living in a mansion. And as she excused herself from the table she realized this was her only reality. She would never be free. Her destiny was to be only a pawn, a collectible in the bourgeoisie.

As she sat on the floor, back hunched against the door thought I am not made for the world anymore. As she took out her pen and began to write words, she vomited heartache, things destroying her soul. As she cried over photos of her loved and her lost, she lit them on fire all memories tossed. With a look around her room and a black stare so cold, she quietly whispered "I want to go home". Brushed her hair softly back for the world to see..the anguish, the pain, and agony. Gripping the polished wood of her chair, she stared into the darkness saying goodbyes to despair. A life full of emptiness with no sun in sight, she felt to be free she'd exchange her own life. And as she calmly and firmly tied the rope so secure,with her neck firmly choked, feet dangling from the floor, she decided that life wasn't worth it anymore.

And as you fill my senses with the empty sweet numbness, I think I'm ready to stay with you. My heart beats slowly and eyes lower like a well behaved child in the church pew and my head tilts towards the ***** ground it feels like home but I know it's prison. Like a pure white dress that fits just right, but maybe too tight. The powder white lace choking my neck as I reluctantly walk down the aisle to my imminent demise. I thought I was ready to stay with you forever. To keep you close in my pocket, to consume your little moments of paradise. Till death do us part. Till you suffocate me, leaving me to die. Marrying my abuser, inhaling you through my nose, clogging my emotions. Blocking my thoughts. As the priest tells us to say our "I do's" I look towards the sky and like a runaway bride I demand my freedom. Crawling through the church door. Leaving your sweet gritty taste in my throat behind. And leaving with you my chains you lovingly wrapped around, demanding I stay. But I will always remember you. Always, as something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that has left me blue.

I forgive you. For the pain you inflicted, for the nights I spent crying over you. For the insecurities you gave me, for the memories you lit on fire. For the mistakes you made that I apologized for. For the friendship you turned into a nightmare. For the nights I spent up wondering what was wrong with me, why I didn't seem to feel worth much to you. For the love you gave, and then the cold shoulder that followed. For the disbelief that laid tight in my chest like a fist. For the smoke that came from your lies, choking me, making me cough up excuses for how you treated me. For the good times times you make me regret. For the talks that meant everything, but mean nothing now. For the truths I'll never be sure were lies or not. For the distrust of love and people you helped instill in me. For saying you'd always be there, and then leaving. For the fact that I still care so much for your well being and pray for your happiness, even though I know you don't care if I'm alive or dead. But most of all I forgive you because you helped me realize that in life sometimes painful things happen and we cannot stay bitter. We must move on to better things, to brighter things, to better people, to brighter people. We must move on to heal, to finally see our worth, to understand that not everyone or everything I've lost was not a loss, just a lesson. To finally know what it feels like to be free of the pain, the bitterness, the resentment, the despair. To finally feel and know peace in such a hurtful situation. I forgive you. Not even for you, but for myself, and other people like me who have felt this before, and aren't yet ready to forgive for an apology they didn't truly feel they got.