why can’t you go one day without making me feel suicidal?

i didn’t do anything to you

just admit it already

you hate me

you wish i was dead.

just tell me that already.

the best,
this is your best?!

you being abusive
you drinking every night
this is your best

this is why

you never taught me anything

you taught me curse words

insults

you taught me that i-
me
a child
that my opinion never matters
i only tell people what they want to hear
that i don’t matter
i’m a ******* *****.

a
*******
*****
,
you said to me
when i was still in a car seat

in the back seat

of the white suv you had
when i was in 1st grade.

and yet,
i thought this was normal
i had convinced myself

“this is how you show love”
“he loves me”
“he loves me with all his heart”

do you know how much that breaks a child?!

now i have to wipe my tears

put on a fake smile

and act like i’m okay again

i’m fine

im fine

i’m the best i could be.

i’m just a lil bit tired

dreams
come
true
with
you

i say pulling down my sleeves a bit further,

"im fine,"

my father,
surprised that i even had the guts to raise my voice.

"i'm FINE!"

he pushes me against the wall.
he looks at me with hatred,

yet i smile.

"what're you gonna do?"
"**** me?"

pushing me against the wall again out of anger

"**** me?"

shoving me into the wall,
hands on my neck.

"try me"

my friend walks in.
my father lets go.
my cold body falls onto the floor

"i knew you couldnt do it"

i whispered under my breath

'i know your ***** little secrets;

like you cutting yourself'

he whispers into my ear

i flinch

'this is why your ******* mother left us'

he shouts at me.
my friend shoves him away,
and he runs.

im all alone now
i have no family left
and i dont wanna move to canada.