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N 7d
If it weren't for you,
I wouldn't know how to be treated,
what true love really means,
I wouldn't feel this peace;
I couldn't be content.

I love your tenderness, it gives me bliss;
your easy going positivity,
your humility and for being your genuine self.
I love you for the happiness you shared,
when smiling was something i never dared.
I love you for bringing me daily sunshine,
my everyday became better,
and I will treasure that, and you,
forever.

No other one can take your place,
you're it; I have no choice.

If it weren't for you,
I'd be adrift,
alone,
used and abused.

You make me feel whole.
You accept me as I am, I can relax and just be me.
I'm drawn to you in total trust, I give myself to you willingly.

You're one in a million, my most special one.
I'm happy you chose me from all the rest,
because I know that I have the best.
N 7d
You gaze into my soul and see resistance when you should have seen suffering. I don't hold rebellion in my throat, but it's swollen and choking me into silence. I struggle to evict the knot in my throat.

Why can't you see how I bite my nails, bounce my leg, or twirl my thumbs?
It keeps me from exploding and collapsing.
I provide myself with the comfort and strength to bury it deep down.
I won't ever ask you to hold me.

Are you blind?
Can you not see my eyes, glossy with unshed tears?
My clenched fists or how I'm trying to push out the words wrapped around the knot?
I can feel the fire in my soul, trying to restrain my eyes from drowning, to exert my vocal cords to function. I won't cry, it is a weakness. I don't want to beg for forgiveness.

I'm unable to defend myself against your attack, so I hideout for it all to resolve.
Wonder why I don't storm away?
I've learned to contain the urge.

I anger you and you try to remain calm, but you're weighed down with disappointment and speak with venom in your mouth. ]
I stand tall and unbreakable. I can only leave when dismissed.

I will never express my feelings of anger, or the pain you've put me through. I am in the wrong so I must endure the rage. I have already sentenced myself to silence, I will not fight for this victory.
N 7d
For the people I care for,

I would bleed for you.
If the chance arose and you were in danger,
I would die for you.
But you would not even consider doing that for me.

If you were scared I would hold you.
If you were lost I would find you.
If you were crying I would give you my shoulder.

Even when we're older,
I would do anything for you.
I would bleed for you.
I would hold you.
I would die.
Just because I love you,
Just because you keep me alive.
N 7d
I will never forget you.
I will never forget the betrayal,
the damage, or the manipulation.
The way you touched me,
the act that made me think you cherished our conversations.
I was hooked on you.
My withdrawals had no cure.

I knew I never had your heart.
I should have seen it,
it was right before my eyes.
You wanted us to "have our own secret world".
You had a girlfriend,
claimed you left her for me.
Never did I question it.

You used to say those three words.
I latched onto the "love" and attention you gave me.
Something that I had always lacked.
But it was never truthful,
it was never me,
it was for her,
it was always for her.

But I also got your violent anger,
your hate,
your manipulation.
Playing games with my heart and mind,
leaving me broken then suddenly pulling me back in.
There was no cure.

It was always expected that I do exactly as you say.
Never to be seen together in public,
never to talk to you with others around,
never to take any pictures with you,
the only place to see you was in one of our homes.
Never to be let outside around that area.
We did not know each other.
I was invisible to you.

You had complete control.
I didn't even have the option to disobey a command,
if I did you would vanish and I craved the love and attention.

But you never loved me.
Never.
I was your toy,
you would throw me away time after time.

I loved you.
When I was with you nothing else mattered.
You didn't feel the same,
you didn't feel at all.
I let you hurt me.

It was all an illusion
of feelings,
of sentimen,
of love,
of hate.
You called yourself "The King".
I was just your ****.
Just another piece on your board.
N Dec 2018
you ask me why i am avoiding your hands,
they terrify me.
you ask what you did wrong when i pull away,
it startles me.

it all  brings me back to when i felt disconnected from my own body,
too scared to say stop,
too drunk to walk,
when they violated my body

when you touch me, im re-living the night of april 20th,
when all five of them demolished me not only physically but mentally.

but this time, its not like it used to be.
you don't want to hurt me, you don't want me .
you love me and i know that.
but why does the lightest touch bring me back to that one night where i wished they had just killed me.

i wish i could heal or help you understand,
because i love you too.
N Oct 2018
i just want it all to be over-
the fights, the crying, the endless cycle of explosion
i just want you to love me
to make me not feel broken anymore

i need you to hear me
hear my pain and longing to reach out to you
i need you to understand me
understand my feelings and my desires

i yearn for your attention
i yearn for your praise
i yearn for your affection

i want to move on
to be free of this life

free me from these chains
let me move on and make my own life.
N Oct 2018
is your family still together, just like way back when?
do you stick by each other through thick and thin?
or do you hardly know eachother?
and do you wonder why you rarely talk to your mother?

it wasn't always this way, i can recall there was a time...
we were all together and we were doing fine.
we all have our problems, please don't get me wrong...
but i can remember a time when life was still a song.

so much has happened to tear us into pieces...
broken hearts never mended and the distance still increases...
once i became old enough, reality banged on my door,
i realized that this didn't feel like a family anymore...

i wish so deeply we could put the pieces of our relationship back together,
i just don't even know where to start.

it is small and broken, some here and there...
left to wonder if you will ever trust each other.
it brings a storm of resentment from what has become...
the events of the torn bond left me feeling numb.

i once missed the ways i learned to live without...
no stronger than the flame which we blew out.
your family is there, whether you want it or not...
it just depends on what you've got.

blood doesn't make us more loyal than a friend...
nor does it establish who's there in the end.
let them go if they never pulled through.
sometimes you find, you'll always have to.

i never took it straight to the heart...
just thought of it as two worlds apart.
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