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N Sep 9
Am I a bad friend? Because I get treated as if I am.
I’ve always had trouble with relationships. Whether it be with a friend, a guy, or family.
Am I a bad friend?

You know I recently had a discussion with my aunt. Barely breaking the surface of where my true issues lie but shaving off some of my problems in life.
“You would do almost anything for a friend but you probably wouldn’t do the same for family”
That **** still rings in my head. That’s pretty ****** up of me. But somehow I am still a bad friend.

There are times when I have stayed up til the crack of dawn to console or provide advice to people in need. But somehow that makes me a bad friend.

I’m not going to lie—I judge people based on first impressions. If you look like a *****, I will most likely think you are a *****. Yet somehow I am able to look past the hard outer shells and see them for the usually kind hearted person they are.

Somehow most of the people that at one point I had coined as “best” or “close” friends, I at one point didn’t like.
Yet somehow I am a bad friend.

I realize now I should have just gone with my first impression of these “friends”. Because these “friends” are the same people who I considered “ride or die” who I considered “best friends” who at one point thought we had gained the bond of “sisterhood”.
Yet somehow I am a bad friend.

I am the one who at their lowest point in life would be more than willing to take in and console until they felt able to get back on their feet—emotionally and physically. But I am a bad friend.

I have always been the one that would take time away from studying, working, or even sacrifice time with family to be with these “friends”.
How am I a bad friend?

Being bullied at such a young and vulnerable age, I have always grown up with this feeling of being inadequate. Of not being liked. Of longing to be accepted. Even sitting here **** near 18, I want to be liked. I want friends. I have “friends”. I want friends. I thought I had done everything right but somehow it has all backfired on me.
How am I a bad friend?

I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that I have broken rules, stepped outside my comfort zone for “friends”. I have sacrificed relationships with other people for “friends”. I did everything I was supposed to do for “friends”. Yet somehow I am a bad friend.

Someone explain to me. Please. How can you call me your “best friend” but sit there and break the first rule of friendship: loving eachother. How can someone sit there and degrade and disrespect the person who was there for them through the ups and the downs? Oh yeah, but somehow I am the bad friend.

I keep my guard up now. I smile when inside I cry.
I am too open. I am too trusting. I am too naïve.
I am just trying to figure out how I am a bad friend.

You know what I hate most? The fact that I have a lot of friends who won’t hesitate to ask for help. Who will keep me on the phone with them for hours to talk about their problems Who will play those stupid *** mind games to get me to stress out about how they feel. But when it comes to me, I am brushed aside, made fun of, ignored. Something that has happened all my life. But somehow I am the bad friend.

I should never have to sit in depression in the presence of people who are supposed to be my “friends”. I should never feel as if I can’t speak. I should never feel intimidated by people who are irrelevant to me. I should never forget that my grades are the **** when theirs are a *******. Most importantly, I should never be in a position where I am the only one that seems as if they don’t belong. Never in the position where my last choice options are better than their first.

I have always supported my “friends”. I never boasted about **** in my life. If I ever did, be sure that someone was quick to put me in my place. I am not a doormat. I am not a flunkey. I should have gone with my gut instinct.
I surrounded myself with people who made me feel like **** more than the ****. I chose popularity over reality. I now know you can’t win em all.

I always was accommodating to the needs of others. I always tried my best to diffuse situations. I tried not to cause confrontation. Yet I am the ******* bad friend.

Well you know what? I am not a bad friend. I am a great friend. I am the type of friend who will do anything for my friends. Everyone shows their true colors eventually.

To all the people who were never supportive of me, to all the people who brushed off all my problems as if I wasn’t worth the time, to all the people that spent more time bringing me down than bringing me up, to all the people who didn’t believe in giving back, to all the people who influenced me to change who I was, to all the people that didn’t accept me as I was, to all the people who I thought were my “friends”… I just want to give you all a big *******. And thanks. Thanks for proving to me that I am not the bad friend. You are.

Sincerely,
The (at one point and still occasionally) depressed, suicidal teenager that never thought she would be completely accepted by her friends, that never realized that she had given so much of herself to people that will never give it back, that tried so hard to accept the harsh criticism of her life choices as friendly gestures, that felt as if her accomplishments would go unrecognized, that wanted to prove to others that she could be successful more than herself, that continues to **** up relationships with the people who really matter because of irrelevant ****. Yeah that girl. That girl who has been emotionally, physically, and spiritually abused nearly her whole life. That girl who is nearly as innocent as Mary, but continues to be compared to hoes and *****. That girl who has been forced since the 6th grade to take those degrading comments with a crooked smile. That girl who became a bad friend as soon as she decided to do something for herself. That girl that now makes you feel and look like **** because you didn’t know her whole story. And you never will.
N Jan 14
If it weren't for you,
I wouldn't know how to be treated,
what true love really means,
I wouldn't feel this peace;
I couldn't be content.

I love your tenderness, it gives me bliss;
your easy going positivity,
your humility and for being your genuine self.
I love you for the happiness you shared,
when smiling was something i never dared.
I love you for bringing me daily sunshine,
my everyday became better,
and I will treasure that, and you,
forever.

No other one can take your place,
you're it; I have no choice.

If it weren't for you,
I'd be adrift,
alone,
used and abused.

You make me feel whole.
You accept me as I am, I can relax and just be me.
I'm drawn to you in total trust, I give myself to you willingly.

You're one in a million, my most special one.
I'm happy you chose me from all the rest,
because I know that I have the best.
N Jan 14
You gaze into my soul and see resistance when you should have seen suffering. I don't hold rebellion in my throat, but it's swollen and choking me into silence. I struggle to evict the knot in my throat.

Why can't you see how I bite my nails, bounce my leg, or twirl my thumbs?
It keeps me from exploding and collapsing.
I provide myself with the comfort and strength to bury it deep down.
I won't ever ask you to hold me.

Are you blind?
Can you not see my eyes, glossy with unshed tears?
My clenched fists or how I'm trying to push out the words wrapped around the knot?
I can feel the fire in my soul, trying to restrain my eyes from drowning, to exert my vocal cords to function. I won't cry, it is a weakness. I don't want to beg for forgiveness.

I'm unable to defend myself against your attack, so I hideout for it all to resolve.
Wonder why I don't storm away?
I've learned to contain the urge.

I anger you and you try to remain calm, but you're weighed down with disappointment and speak with venom in your mouth. ]
I stand tall and unbreakable. I can only leave when dismissed.

I will never express my feelings of anger, or the pain you've put me through. I am in the wrong so I must endure the rage. I have already sentenced myself to silence, I will not fight for this victory.
N Jan 14
For the people I care for,

I would bleed for you.
If the chance arose and you were in danger,
I would die for you.
But you would not even consider doing that for me.

If you were scared I would hold you.
If you were lost I would find you.
If you were crying I would give you my shoulder.

Even when we're older,
I would do anything for you.
I would bleed for you.
I would hold you.
I would die.
Just because I love you,
Just because you keep me alive.
N Jan 14
I will never forget you.
I will never forget the betrayal,
the damage, or the manipulation.
The way you touched me,
the act that made me think you cherished our conversations.
I was hooked on you.
My withdrawals had no cure.

I knew I never had your heart.
I should have seen it,
it was right before my eyes.
You wanted us to "have our own secret world".
You had a girlfriend,
claimed you left her for me.
Never did I question it.

You used to say those three words.
I latched onto the "love" and attention you gave me.
Something that I had always lacked.
But it was never truthful,
it was never me,
it was for her,
it was always for her.

But I also got your violent anger,
your hate,
your manipulation.
Playing games with my heart and mind,
leaving me broken then suddenly pulling me back in.
There was no cure.

It was always expected that I do exactly as you say.
Never to be seen together in public,
never to talk to you with others around,
never to take any pictures with you,
the only place to see you was in one of our homes.
Never to be let outside around that area.
We did not know each other.
I was invisible to you.

You had complete control.
I didn't even have the option to disobey a command,
if I did you would vanish and I craved the love and attention.

But you never loved me.
Never.
I was your toy,
you would throw me away time after time.

I loved you.
When I was with you nothing else mattered.
You didn't feel the same,
you didn't feel at all.
I let you hurt me.

It was all an illusion
of feelings,
of sentimen,
of love,
of hate.
You called yourself "The King".
I was just your pawn.
Just another piece on your board.
N Dec 2018
you ask me why i am avoiding your hands,
they terrify me.
you ask what you did wrong when i pull away,
it startles me.

it all  brings me back to when i felt disconnected from my own body,
too scared to say stop,
too drunk to walk,
when they violated my body

when you touch me, im re-living the night of april 20th,
when all five of them demolished me not only physically but mentally.

but this time, its not like it used to be.
you don't want to hurt me, you don't want me .
you love me and i know that.
but why does the lightest touch bring me back to that one night where i wished they had just killed me.

i wish i could heal or help you understand,
because i love you too.
N Oct 2018
i just want it all to be over-
the fights, the crying, the endless cycle of explosion
i just want you to love me
to make me not feel broken anymore

i need you to hear me
hear my pain and longing to reach out to you
i need you to understand me
understand my feelings and my desires

i yearn for your attention
i yearn for your praise
i yearn for your affection

i want to move on
to be free of this life

free me from these chains
let me move on and make my own life.
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