N 4d

Dear depression,
I was 11 when you forced yourself on me. You never introduced yourself or even asked to be friends, you just took over my life. My happy days were gone, you kept following me around making me feel unwanted.
I did not want you here.
You grew as I grew, creeping into the quiet moments when I thought I was alone. You made me feel like I was nothing. I woke up looking forward to sleeping again - it was my escape. Yet you made my escape so difficult to reach.
I used to be so happy when the sun came out shining on my skin as I ran through the yard and laughed, with no care in the world.
But that laughter turned into tears, the sun into darkness. My heart and soul cries for help as I try to fight you.
You changed me - You keep me in my thoughts.
I'm stuck in a dark empty place that was once my self, but now it's gone. You left me far beneath my tears. You have taken my life away.
Why can't you just be gone already!!! I do not want you here, I never did! You have taken so much, what else do you want from me?!

I don't want you as a friend anymore. I can't take the constant fighting for my life. You ruined me. You ruined my mind, heart, body, and soul. You come back every time but you never leave. When will you leave me? I write sobbing knowing how much you have damaged me. I want you to leave and never come back.

There's not enough room for both of us.
So may the best one win.

N Nov 9

I should hate you.
I should be angry because you like her and not me.
I should be angry because of how you only gave me attention when you wanted something from me.
How I gave you my trust, love, and heart and you broke all three at once.
How you forced me onto that bed, told me to shut up, told me that I would like it - I did not.
I should be angry that you gave me hope for a future that you know I most desperately desired.
That you made me think it would happen but when somebody better came along, you left me in a heart beat for who knows how many girls.
You left me heartbroken.

But then I remember the words you said to me,
the way you made me feel when the cold weather and cloudy skies were around,
and all those horrible memories of you fade away.

My god, I wish I didn't have to like you the way I do,
but I find it impossible to stop.
It took everything in me to delete those pictures of you where we both looked so happy.
It took everything inside me to accept that you don't need me,
you never did.
You don't miss me.
You don't care about me the slightest bit.
You don't even want me.
It took me every bone in my goddamn body to not think of you when I wasn't sober.
But I realized that you were all I thought of when I'm not sober,
even when I am too.

Because my heart kicked you out,
so you just moved straight into my mind.

I wrote this last year but just found it
N Nov 9

Nobody ever taught me how to love myself.
I was never told to love the way my hair falls into light curls,
or the healing scares all over my body.
I was never told to love my stomach, or my eyes, or my lips.
I was criticized all my life over the size and shape of my body.
Ever since I can remember I was told not to like myself,
to think of myself as nothing,
to always put others first.
I was never the number one priority and I never wanted to trust.
Even at home I was told by the ones I loved the most that I was not good enough.

This is where the feeling came of wondering if the ones I loved actually loved me.
Or was it all in my head,
did I just imagine that they had to.
I imagined my relationships with my family and friends as i thought they had to be.
I thought they had to say I love you.
But it's not like that.
It took me some time to realize that maybe they don't love me,
maybe it's just wanting the love and attention that all desire yet not all receive.
I was taught from a young age not to love myself,
and thought that I was not  loved.

Thinking back on it now I can see how that affected me.
Maybe if i was taught to love myself then I wouldn't be the wreck I am now.
Maybe I would have more self respect and wouldn't be destructive to my own body.
Maybe you wouldn't have been able to take advantage of me,
and neither would have the other three boys.
Maybe I wouldn't have ended up in that hospital.
Maybe if things were different in the beginning,
I wouldn't be so damaged now.

I wrote this last year and just found it in my notes
N Nov 9

After a while, everything stops working.
You just have to give it time to die.

N Nov 9

I long for the day where I will be able to look at a knife or parallel lines and imagine nothing but their real purpose.
I long for the day where I can't bear to give myself any pain.
I long for the day where I will be able to love myself.
I hope that I can reach those days and that I don't give up before then.
I hope that those days are soon.
Because I'm beginning to run out of time,
and i don't think I can make it much longer.

N Nov 7

Recently I have allowed myself to get worse.
I stopped telling people how I was feeling,
I couldn't stay sober for more than a week,
I relapsed.
I hate myself for so many things that i have done,
I make the worst descisions,
I can't do things right.
I'm getting worse and I dont know how to ask for help.
It's hard, I want people to think I'm strong but Its hurting me.

God, this writing doesn't even make sense I'm so lost.

N Oct 17

If I told you that you were the first one of 3
would you care?
If I told you that it took me months to recover,
would you care?
If I told you that I had panic attacks by the wrong touch,
would you care?
If I told you that I have nightmares about that night,
would you care?

No. You wouldn't.
But I hope you at least know that what you did,
I am reminded of every single week.
When somebody says your name,
when they bring up our past,
when I see a picture of you.

You haunt me.
You broke me.
And I am reminded of it too often.

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