It was a numbingly cold Friday night; a brisk breeze blew disrupting the trees with no sight of sun. The tips of my fingers started to chill and my body shivered, possibly from the cold though it could also have been the fear. I stalled on the doorstep contemplating if I should never go back or go in to tell him I was never coming back. My sweaty palms reached out to the frosty skin biting doorknob while I opened the door, my heart felt like metal sinking in my chest. I look up the dark stairway where his tall silhouette stood, the dirty blonde hair a clutter. As I dragged my way up the discolored uneven steps, the paralyzing stench of marijuana seemed to slap me in the face. My mind was collapsing with overwhelming thoughts as I tried to fixate on the jagged words gushing out of his mouth. “Where were you”, “What’s wrong with you”, “Do what I’m telling you to”. I stood in the doorway without saying a word as he gripped my arm yanking me into the room. My heart plummeted deeper than before as I tried to extract the words from my mind.
I am shoved onto the bed where I pull myself up against the solid wooden headboard. As he stood towering over me I managed to force the coarse words out of my throat. “We’re done.” His smile twisted into a harsh furious frown, his eyes bloodshot red from the drugs and added anger. I closed my eyes struggling to evade his bitter and manipulating words. “I care about you, I will protect you… People already think you’re a slut… Don’t make it worse for yourself… Nobody will believe you”. As I stand up to leave he blocked the doorway with a harsh insensitive look on his face. Seizing my arm with a firm grip he forced me away from the door. Struggling to escape, I stared into his ice cold blue eyes pleading him to simply let go, to fix the all the wreckage in me that he created. He looked me straight in the eyes, took that chance, and threw it away like it was nothing. My body burned with his touch, but not in a good way. My throat became tight, my body numb, my mind blank, my chest heaving with an indescribable dull pain.
I was finally able to get the strength to stand up and stumble my way out of the room, down the uneven steps, and out the front door. I waited on the curb in the frigid night for my mom to salvage me as one does at a junkyard. I rose onto my unsteady feet and yanked open the rigid plastic door handle. As we drove home I sat there in utter silence, my mind overflowing with emotions of regret, pain, and heartbreak.
This burden is seared into my mind and there’s no getting rid of it. I am still learning the lesson from this, perhaps it is moving on from regret, or understanding that it wasn’t my fault. I get asked why I’m avoiding hands which frighten me, even if they have the purest intentions. It takes me back to when I layed there with apprehension, begging for him to stop, trying to put an end to the misery.
People say dating is hard, but it shouldn't feel like this.
It shouldn't be so exhausting and upsetting.
You put me through this exhausting cycle almost every day.
It goes like this:
you get mad,
I defend myself not understanding why you're mad,
i get upset,
you start saying how bad of a boyfriend you are,
i convince you that you aren't.
You are left feeling whole,
i am not.
you guilt trip me after every single fight.
saying you aren't worthy of me,
that you aren't good enough.
I cant let you think that,
so I fix your thoughts.
It's so tiring.
I love you, so how could i leave.
But even if i wanted to, i couldn't
there are barriers.
your friends would hate me,
your sister would dislike me.
your bestfriend yet also my bestfriend, would leave me.
I cant risk these things.
I feel trapped.
But i love you,
so its okay.
I was 11 when you forced yourself on me. You never introduced yourself or even asked to be friends, you just took over my life. My happy days were gone, you kept following me around making me feel unwanted.
I did not want you here.
You grew as I grew, creeping into the quiet moments when I thought I was alone. You made me feel like I was nothing. I woke up looking forward to sleeping again - it was my escape. Yet you made my escape so difficult to reach.
I used to be so happy when the sun came out shining on my skin as I ran through the yard and laughed, with no care in the world.
But that laughter turned into tears, the sun into darkness. My heart and soul cries for help as I try to fight you.
You changed me - You keep me in my thoughts.
I'm stuck in a dark empty place that was once my self, but now it's gone. You left me far beneath my tears. You have taken my life away.
Why can't you just be gone already!!! I do not want you here, I never did! You have taken so much, what else do you want from me?!
I don't want you as a friend anymore. I can't take the constant fighting for my life. You ruined me. You ruined my mind, heart, body, and soul. You come back every time but you never leave. When will you leave me? I write sobbing knowing how much you have damaged me. I want you to leave and never come back.
There's not enough room for both of us.
So may the best one win.
I should hate you.
I should be angry because you like her and not me.
I should be angry because of how you only gave me attention when you wanted something from me.
How I gave you my trust, love, and heart and you broke all three at once.
How you forced me onto that bed, told me to shut up, told me that I would like it - I did not.
I should be angry that you gave me hope for a future that you know I most desperately desired.
That you made me think it would happen but when somebody better came along, you left me in a heart beat for who knows how many girls.
You left me heartbroken.
But then I remember the words you said to me,
the way you made me feel when the cold weather and cloudy skies were around,
and all those horrible memories of you fade away.
My god, I wish I didn't have to like you the way I do,
but I find it impossible to stop.
It took everything in me to delete those pictures of you where we both looked so happy.
It took everything inside me to accept that you don't need me,
you never did.
You don't miss me.
You don't care about me the slightest bit.
You don't even want me.
It took me every bone in my goddamn body to not think of you when I wasn't sober.
But I realized that you were all I thought of when I'm not sober,
even when I am too.
Because my heart kicked you out,
so you just moved straight into my mind.
Nobody ever taught me how to love myself.
I was never told to love the way my hair falls into light curls,
or the healing scares all over my body.
I was never told to love my stomach, or my eyes, or my lips.
I was criticized all my life over the size and shape of my body.
Ever since I can remember I was told not to like myself,
to think of myself as nothing,
to always put others first.
I was never the number one priority and I never wanted to trust.
Even at home I was told by the ones I loved the most that I was not good enough.
This is where the feeling came of wondering if the ones I loved actually loved me.
Or was it all in my head,
did I just imagine that they had to.
I imagined my relationships with my family and friends as i thought they had to be.
I thought they had to say I love you.
But it's not like that.
It took me some time to realize that maybe they don't love me,
maybe it's just wanting the love and attention that all desire yet not all receive.
I was taught from a young age not to love myself,
and thought that I was not loved.
Thinking back on it now I can see how that affected me.
Maybe if i was taught to love myself then I wouldn't be the wreck I am now.
Maybe I would have more self respect and wouldn't be destructive to my own body.
Maybe you wouldn't have been able to take advantage of me,
and neither would have the other three boys.
Maybe I wouldn't have ended up in that hospital.
Maybe if things were different in the beginning,
I wouldn't be so damaged now.