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Apr 11 · 440
love poem #1
uselace Apr 11
I don't know much
except that when they call me "darling"
it feels like a warm blanket
And when their hands are in my hair
or scraping the back of my neck
so light it makes me shiver,
i think for the first time in too long
that i could die happy
I know that i want to spend my days laying with them,
laughing, teasing, but always
coming back to "i love you";
my nights holding on
sending one last text
before a sleep that gets me closer to seeing them again
I don't know much.
But I've already gone through a lot
and loving them is one of the only things
that i want to keep going through,
until i know them
and only them.
Oct 2021 · 2.8k
uselace Oct 2021
Eighth grade
i texted the suicide hotline
in band class
Hoping for something to hold on to
while i considered going home,
and just slipping away.
Three years later
i sit in photography
messaging an eating disorder hotline
and praying i won't slip further
than i already have.
how history repeats itself.
shout out to neda lol
Oct 2021 · 2.4k
uselace Oct 2021
Who am i?
When the scars are stripped away
the obsessions gone
the compulsions unneeded
When i don't know the taste of serotonin on my tongue
the disappointment of looking in the mirror
or the bite of metal against my stomach
When i am myself again,
bare of the illnesses that have weighed me down
Who will i be?
the question i've struggled with the longest
Aug 2021 · 4.1k
cinnamon toast crunch
uselace Aug 2021
Across the table
my grandpa asks me why
i don't eat cinnamon toast crunch anymore.
The last time i saw them
i loved it so much
that he tried it, and got hooked
but now i don't touch it.
And i don't know how to tell him
how to tell him
that the thought of all that sugar
paralyzes me.
So i just sit with my corn flakes,
avoid his eyes
and hope he doesn't notice
how desperately i wish i could eat it.
cinnamon toast crunch is objectively the best cereal
Aug 2021 · 481
uselace Aug 2021
It's strange how healing works.
I still have pictures on my phone
from when scars were an angry red
before they faded to a softer,
paler reminder.
At the time i thought they would never fade
would always stay there,
just as they were-
I thought i would never fade either,
would never change
yet here i am
two or three years later
and a completely different person.
Not healed,
but the pain has faded,
just a bit.
My skin is no longer covered in red;
but i don't know who i am without it
honestly, I don't know who I'll be
once everything fades.
Jul 2021 · 3.4k
not meant to be
uselace Jul 2021
Maybe I'm just not meant to be small
or light
Maybe I'll forever exist outside of
what i have been taught is "beautiful"
Maybe some day I'll accept this
not today, maybe not for a while, but
I look forward to that day.
Jan 2021 · 353
uselace Jan 2021
beneath me ice gives way-
i give up hope of day,
as i descend into the darkness

the edges start to fray
i fall, away, away;
water swirls, cold and heartless

heavy the pressure weighs
my mind in disarray
in the midst of blackness i see Death;

yet my fate is delayed,
my body not decayed,
and i will take one more breath.
technically a follow-up to my last poem.
Dec 2020 · 333
the ice
uselace Dec 2020
i stand on sheets of ice,
my cheeks the cold air bites
i wonder what happened;

to lead me here tonight
in the absence of the light
alone, and unhappy

there is no end in sight-
no land, safe and dry,
to rest my weary head on;

only coldness, and the quiet,
and my sadness, like a giant
what have i become?
Nov 2020 · 261
black tie
uselace Nov 2020
it's been months since everything shut down
months since i had an excuse to dress up
and i've been aching for a reason to put on a suit-
but not this.
never like this.
because i have to relearn to tie my black tie,
over a black shirt
under watery eyes.
it's been months since i dressed up,
years since the last funeral.
goodbye, friend.
please know that you are loved, more than you could ever know. check in on your friends. i miss him.
Oct 2020 · 2.4k
uselace Oct 2020
i'm tired
i'm so ******* tired.
i didn't ask for any of it-
not the scars, not the pills,
not the anxiety
or obsession
or disordered thoughts
i never wanted this.
because when you're thirteen
you don't think that within the next three years
you'll have four mental illnesses.
nobody ever predicts that they'll have a collection of cuts,
of failed recoveries
and subsequent relapses.
nobody wants to be a burden.
nobody wants to be trapped in their own mind
and i can't tell if it's depression,
or the eating disorder
but God, i'm exhausted.
i don't want to carry this anymore.
(i never did.)
you know it's bad when i'm writing poetry again ****
May 2020 · 131
uselace May 2020
i am still learning to love myself,
and this body
that has brought me through everything
(scars & all).
i am still picking up the pieces,
finding parts of myself
i thought were lost.
for the longest time,
i thought I wouldn't make it-
sometimes I still don't.
but I am still here.
still breathing,
as much as it may hurt.
i felt peaceful for the first time in months.
Dec 2019 · 554
too little
uselace Dec 2019
i give so much
of my love to the world
that there isn't quite
enough left
for myself.
Dec 2019 · 304
uselace Dec 2019
i want to die.
i don't think
that i'm worth it
i know
it's not true.
i am a failure-
the voices in my head tell me
blades drop
and i listen
i love you,
people say
but do they?
the scars help,
i think
and as blood falls
i regret.
read it backwards.
Nov 2019 · 382
night & day
uselace Nov 2019
the contrast
between skin
and blood
is like night and day,
if only night
was red
running down thighs
and day
was tarnished
and pale.
trust me, i would know
Nov 2019 · 116
uselace Nov 2019
I drove by the Dairy Queen,
Where you found out about feelings
I would rather have stayed hidden
I remember that night
Better than anyone else,
Just like I remember the movie on our first date
That made me cry later,
But not for the reasons they thought
Still, nothing could beat
The first time you held my hand
And we weren't just two girls anymore.

I can't wear my hoodie,
Because it still smells like you
And makes me remember why I hurt
I would brave stares for you
Push through the whispers
Maybe, if you asked nicely enough
I would even brave a broken heart
Really, I just want to know
If you ever find yourself staring,
Wondering what we could have been.
to each of the girls who i thought i loved.
Nov 2019 · 136
uselace Nov 2019
i feel like i'm trying
to put together a puzzle,
except the pieces are serotonin
and there always seems
to be just one or two missing,
but all it takes is those few missing links
for the whole thing
to fall apart
and i have to start over.
i've attempted this puzzle
for years, again and again-
but sometimes, i have to wonder
will i ever have all the pieces?
i'm so ******* scared that i'm going to spend the rest of my life like this, falling apart over and over.
Nov 2019 · 130
uselace Nov 2019
everything hurts,
like broken glass
cutting me up
into pieces
of sadness,
from the inside

maybe those pieces
are the leftovers
of what we could
have been,
now forever trapped
inside someone
who will relive,
question every moment
keep them sharp,
and keep hurting.
there's just a hole in my chest, and i'm starting to wonder if it will ever close.
Oct 2019 · 381
a lesson
uselace Oct 2019
today i learned
maybe, you can’t
fit two broken pieces
and expect it to last.
Sep 2019 · 146
on expression
uselace Sep 2019
i've forgotten
how to express myself
other than that
i'm so ******* exhausted
and just once
just for a few seconds
i want to be okay again.
only through two weeks of school and i just want to sleep forever
Sep 2019 · 615
uselace Sep 2019
at this point,
i can't even tell
if it helps anymore
it's just a part of me
ingrained as deeply
as a love of stars
or running
until i can't breathe
just to drown out
the noise in my head
i have to wonder
will these scars
ever help?
i still feel like **** no matter what
Sep 2019 · 921
too much
uselace Sep 2019
i have so much love,
for the world
for people
and no one
to take it
the greeks would call it agape
Sep 2019 · 254
on infinity
uselace Sep 2019
what people seem to miss
about infinity-
infinite universes
in particular
is that not only
is there infinite good,
there is also infinite bad
and inevitable
because for every universe
in which cancer is cured
there is one
where humanity was wiped out
years ago
we choose, however
to see the infinite good
i hope
that says something
about all of us.
the multiverse is almost an escape for me. it's so cool to think about.
Sep 2019 · 140
uselace Sep 2019
my hands know
the motion to draw blood
better than anything
i've learned
in the past few years
Sep 2019 · 121
uselace Sep 2019
loving girls,
is so much more
than anything
they want you to see
it is hoodies
that smell like her,
soft brushes
in the lunchroom
falling asleep
to a movie
wrapped up in each other
being so *******
in love,
that you call her
your stars
an honor reserved
for her
and only her
because your love
is just like any other,
and innocent
and full to the brim
with dreams
of a world
where you can kiss freely
and get married
and love,
without strangers
stopping you
on the streets
because your love
simply isn't "normal"
enough for them
Sep 2019 · 202
a misconception:
uselace Sep 2019
the hardest part
of wanting to die
for an entire year
is not putting your life
back together,
it is simply learning
to live.
how to smile, laugh, cry, ect
Sep 2019 · 136
uselace Sep 2019
i will write
entire essays
about honesty,
then lie
whenever i am asked
if i'm okay
am i a terrible person?
Sep 2019 · 302
uselace Sep 2019
i am still learning
the one thing
they never teach:
that grades-
more specifically
that one D
is not indicative
of my character.
got a d on a precalc quiz but the highest score in the class on an english essay
Sep 2019 · 175
uselace Sep 2019
I want to grow old,
If not just so that
I can have kindness in my eyes
And wrinkles
From all the years
I have defied the odds
Sep 2019 · 285
uselace Sep 2019
the number is saved in my phone,
staring up at me
with no calls
or texts
to its name
because really,
i just don't consider myself
worthy enough
to be called a crisis
741741 is (one of) the suicide hotline(s) in the US. I've had it saved in my phone for over a year, but i can never make myself reach out.
Sep 2019 · 271
uselace Sep 2019
She was the moon
A force to be reckoned with
But waiting
For her beauty to be realized
From afar
She was the moon
And I was a star
Simply along for the ride
Sep 2019 · 2.3k
uselace Sep 2019
"I liked your smile better
When you were younger,"
She said
I was tempted to ask why
But we both knew.
It's harder to smile now.
Aug 2019 · 122
uselace Aug 2019
The story,
Like most others
Began with love
And ended
And without
Aug 2019 · 267
uselace Aug 2019
I would like to think
That stars are people
Long lost
Long forgotten
But still gazing down
Watching over us
Maybe someday
I will find out
Jul 2019 · 147
uselace Jul 2019
dear _,
you are my stars
i can only hope
that eventually i will be yours
Apr 2019 · 155
uselace Apr 2019
colors blend together
beautiful and inseparable
an unbreakable community,
forged through years
of sorrow and hardship
but also joy and triumph
flags wave as colors fill streets
pride radiating throughout
we are here,
and we are queer.
Apr 2019 · 226
Thoughts from the sky
uselace Apr 2019
I flew past city lights
That looked like stars
In an impossible constellation
And i thought
The world we've built for ourselves
Is beautiful,
And endless
Our own tiny universe.
I love flying at night.
Mar 2019 · 507
another year
uselace Mar 2019
a year's worth of scarring
adorns my thigh,
lying there
a constant reminder
but they are also
a year's worth of happiness,
of friends,
of recovery,
of love.
they are from the year
that i wanted to die,
but now
they represent
another year
i have lived.
january was the anniversary of my depression diagnosis.
Mar 2019 · 174
love, maybe
uselace Mar 2019
i love you.
so, so much
isn't it enough
that i say that?
is it not enough for you,
that i just know?
you want reasons
so i give them to you:
my darkest nights,
when you were there for me
the shoulder of yours,
that i can always lean on
the way we talk,
and laugh,
and understand each other.
if that isn't love,
i don't know what is
but i do know
that i love you.
what is love, really?
Mar 2019 · 244
uselace Mar 2019
i am not strong.
when people see my scars,
they think
that i crawled out of hell
even when demons
were dragging me down.
i barely made it out, though,
and those demons are still with me.
they are still present
in the scars on my thighs,
the pills that i take,
the nights i can't sleep
and nothing feels right
that hell was inside my head
and the demons
were my own thoughts,
and tearing
and pulling away at my sanity,
by bit.
i am not strong,
but i'm strong enough
to keep fighting those demons,
Mar 2019 · 407
uselace Mar 2019
beats per minute,
as calculated
by scientific studies
it feels like
my heart disregards science entirely
in my worst moments
i might as well have been at 1,
not nearly dead
but certainly getting there
my heart still beats,
75 beats
(for the most part)
every minute
75 beats
as you are reading this,
as i wrote it
the average bpm
for an alive person
don't yell at me if the science is wrong.
Mar 2019 · 158
uselace Mar 2019
I am a static being,
And thoughts
Drifting through my head,
Without any meaning
My limbs itch for motion
But nothing feels right
So instead I sit,
Listening to the buzz,
Noiseless sound
And wishing
That just once-
I could tune in to real life.
Sometimes there's nothing I want to do and I just feel static, like I'm in between something. Life or death, maybe. Probably something a lot less profound. I don't know.
Mar 2019 · 351
a question:
uselace Mar 2019
am i enough?
something i wonder constantly.
Feb 2019 · 290
uselace Feb 2019
I am a glass piece
Not yet shattered, but almost
Beautiful and lost.
A haiku.
Feb 2019 · 216
uselace Feb 2019
i walked in the snow
watched it drift down
and surround me,
listened to the silence.
as i stood there,
it seemed crazy
that i could ever want to leave
this beautiful world

i know the snow won't last, though
and as it melts
the fantasy will melt away with it
i hope the snow stays for a while,
if only so that i don't have to face real life again.
the snow is so beautiful. i have these moments where i just love life and everything in it. i wish i could make those moments last longer.
Feb 2019 · 217
uselace Feb 2019
makes everything so much more
the sharp edges
look softer
when they're covered
with a blanket of white
and the world
just evens out,
like magic
flakes swirl,
big to small
and a tiny part of the world
is quiet
and peaceful.
it's snowing for the first time in years. i've always loved the snow.
Feb 2019 · 141
to my future self
uselace Feb 2019
i can't tell you that you'll be okay
because that would be lying
i don't know if anything
will be okay,
and honestly
i can't say for sure that you'll make it to college
but i can say this.
i can tell you that you're strong
that you've made it this far
that you are loved,
even if you don't think so
i can't predict the future
i can't tell you when you'll have your next breakdown
i can tell you, though,
that you can make it through
the future doesn't matter,
not right now
and you have made it through breakdowns before
so prove yourself to the universe
once again.
prove that you are a survivor,
determined to live
even when your own mind
is telling you to die
even if you're not okay,
if in ten years
you're still in the same dark place-
that doesn't matter,
not right now, at least
right now
you are alive
you are still here, against the odds
you aren't okay,
and i'm not going to lie to you
but you are getting there.
and painfully,
but the end is in sight.
so please,
be there to see it.

i was reading an old letter and i started crying when i read something i wrote that said "please, tell me everything will be okay." and it's not. nothing is okay, but it will be. eventually. i just have to be there to see it.
Feb 2019 · 194
uselace Feb 2019
Seeping down my thighs
Staining my skin,
Forming ridges
And valleys
That only I can see
Attesting to what I've done
Jan 2019 · 1.1k
The Sea's Moon
uselace Jan 2019
Floating freely by
Luminous glow surrounding
A tentacled moon
Jellyfish are beautifully deadly.
Jan 2019 · 407
uselace Jan 2019
Ebony wings flapping,
It streaks across the sky
Free as a bird.
Jan 2019 · 1.2k
uselace Jan 2019
you ask for a definition
but does anything have a definition?
the universe
for example
is always changing
definitions don't account for change
the universe is undefinable
there is no definition for me
because of that same reason
i am always changing
and definitions do not account for change
i am undefinable
seven billion people in the world
and no definitions
capable of describing them
and their change
we are, all of us
i am the gay girl,
the depressed kid
the photographer
but that will change
(maybe not the gay part)
everything else, though-
i will be in a better place
i don't know where that place is
or how people will try to define me
but truly
i am as vast
and as beautiful
and as undefinable
as the universe
and everything in it
we are undefinable.
Everything is so much more interesting without definitions, anyway.

— The End —