This loss
This waste without regret
This I wouldn’t trade for the world
This I can’t leave alone
This I crave for my being

It’s special, it’s ours

We won’t talk about it, we never will
But when I see you again
Will my eyes do nothing but well
Will my knees crumble with relief and love
Will I scream out for you
Will it hurt any less the next time we leave?

In another life in another time
You don’t leave and neither do I
And we stay and we build and we live
And that’s enough for both of us

Somehow I think we’re the only ones
That no one knows about this
About this level of love
Connection
Heartbreak
Somehow I think we know more
That we’re special
And I think we’re in denial
I think
We don’t want it to be what it is because it doesn’t make sense
But I love you nonetheless

What’s funny is that I can do anything
I can wake up early or late
I can eat whatever and try to enjoy it
I can be healthy
Unhealthy
I can be funny or serious
I can provide advice
Insight
I can convince myself everything is falling apart
Or I can see the good things and press on
Both are true
I can preach understanding and love
Spout mindfulness and dissect psyche
And at the same time I can walk the line of sanity on a Tuesday
I can present together, safe, smart, ahead
And at the same time crave those things to the point they are unattainable

To crave death as I do
To step on glass
To not look both ways
To wonder what lies

A forbidden realm
I see it so clearly,
Waterfalls and light
Elation and love

I wish to be the most at peace
To have what others cannot
To be where I want to without doing what I have to
The journey is what gets me

The exhaustion
The unknown
The versatility of the future
The scarceness of certainty

If not today
Tomorrow
If not then

Must be doing something wrong
If I haven’t made you look at the light long enough to crave living here
Must be failing
If you think that you could go quiet into the raging storm
If I haven’t convinced you we are all strong enough to give the minimum
I must show you that it’s not glamorous until it is
Until you put on the rose glasses that keep me alive
I must be the one
I’ll put it all on my shoulders for you
I’m confident and I must
Hurt into memory
Diving makes the water deep

if i ever knew where i stood
i would walk

if i have kids
id push
i don't want them to feel like this

i wish it was easier
to be where i want

that requires knowing
and who does

last night I chased a man through his yard.

he was throwing a cigarette **** into the tree line.

despite the irony of slowly killing your self via smoke and fire, only to dispose of our noose into your own hair.

I could do nothing but wonder if you know? If you care? If it hurts you or if you’re in denial about the ******. The pain doesn’t allow you to fight back.

Burn us
Flood us
Throw us in the air and drown us in our homes

does it count as a suicide cult if our intention is just to give in to you.

I feel bad, I put one out in the grass earlier, stomped. But it felt menial, I only convinced myself of that because I feel bad. If that’s my limit though, then how on earth is the world melting around us,
Record highs
Lows

we disregard and keep falling.

I’m angry with us, myself for the inability to exist without detriment to you.
What should I do.

Do you know?

Do you care?

How do you want me to live?

          If at all.