craving a scent
wanting the taste
slamming the doors
right in my face

the dark nights pushing me past the edge
303 reasons why I wish I was dead.

This car that takes me
takes me where i should go
This place i have found myself
found myself wanting
These voices in my head
in my head screaming
The gunshot that haunts me
haunts me till im numb
The people here for me
here for me and loving me
They dont seem to hear
to hear my words
These words i cry
i cry for the loss
This loss of my self
my self that cannot become
The silence that deafens me
deafens me to a breaking point
The tears that fall
fall down my cheeks
The dry, burning pain
pain that no one else can see
These fears that i have
i have that im finally coming out to see.

blackout
the aching panic
loss of control
shaking

speaking
cannot see
voices pounding inside my skull
forgetting everything

hurting inside
so terribly confused
stuck by the knife
which path should i choose

i know i love you
but still im scared
i cant be hurt anymore
by the love that just stares

you look at me longingly
with those beautiful green eyes
and i love you with all my heart
but i am scared it is that heart which lies.

Welcoming the Autumn Rain,
Welcoming the tears.
Tears that fall from eyes,
Tears from all the years.

Autumn Rain is floating down,
Down to the sidewalk streets,.
Colors swirling in the wind,
Fluttering against your cheeks.

The dead Rain falls,
Like every single year.
Shed just like old baggage,
On my cheeks they smear.

The world is moving too fast for me.
It whirls around so fast that I can't breathe.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Deep breath...in, out.
Deep breath...in, out.

Screaming inside
Lying to myself
Living in an alternate world
Caught dusty on the shelf

You left
These cracks on my heart
You're gone
Forever apart

I'm broken
Crossing these lines
Clawing at my soul
Broken inside

How can you forget the scars that criss cross your body but no one else seems to see
You want to scream at them and shove it in their ignorant faces, but you don't
You hold it inside until once upon a time someone asks why you're shattered and sewn back together
By then it's too late and you know if you try to explain, they'll run away
And you'll be alone again right before the tears flood through the cracks on your skin and consume you
They'll force you out of your very soul and the stitches will be replaced once more

Their Eyes Are Glazed With Sadness
Their Hearts Cannot Feel My Madness
Even If I Scream And Shout
Even When I Am Filled To The Brim With Doubt
They Can't Control Me Anymore
They Cannot Break Down Any Of My Doors
When They Fail To Change Me And Who I Have Become
They Will Give Up, And Resolve To Beat The Disappointed Drum

Can you hear me?

Can you see my pain?
These fears chasing each other around in my brain.

Can you get my attention?
Pull me out of my fantasies.

Can you help me?

Can you understand me?

The shirt falls to the floor, fluttering
The boy drops down to pick it up, carefully
Holding it out to the girl, waiting
Eyes closed, waiting

She lets her skirt fall to the floor, slipping
Climbing under the sheets, delicately
Curling up next to the waiting boy, nervously
His arms encircling her, nervously

Come, and take this broken body and call it yours.
Pick off the petals one by one and let them fall.
No one must know me but you,
For you are the only one allowed to see my soul.

Hiccups in my throat
Hiccups in my mouth
Hiccups in my life
Hiccups coming out.

I was my parents Hiccup.
One of many mistakes,
My whole life is one big Hiccup,
And mine that I shall take.

Hurt
the Universe is crashing down on  me
i was Ripped apart and buried alive
no one to Tell that there was something wrong

Damaged beyond repair
No one could save me
No one would save me

Even now
The Hurt runs deep.

What you see here,
What you do here,
What you hear here,
When you leave here,*
Let it stay here.

What can I do?
What can I say?
What is there to be?
Anything? Anyway?

Nothing is the answer
Nothing is the key
Nothing is even left
Inside of me.

Give up they say
So give up I will
Give up myself
Along with my guilt.

Finally letting go

Ripping and tearing, pulling and scratching,
The door at the end of the hall is latching.

Blood, and knives, and skeletons a plenty,
Never before have I witnessed so many.

Werewolves and demons and vampires at feasts,
Snakes as big as giants, and strong, scary beasts.

Falling forever through black, empty space,
A fist poised to hit, the child is braced.

These nightmares are many, but still quite the same,
The dreams are important, decide if I'm sane.

Losing an arm, or a leg, or my face,
Doors shrinking, but yet we're still standing in place.

They seem so real, but are actually fake,
Because the maze is turning, which path should I take?

We're running and tripping, torn apart by a bear,
This only begins my endless Nightmare.

im no longer breathing
the water rushing in

filling my lungs
right up to the very brim

the waves tear at me
they pull me in every which way

no longer breathing
death takes me today.

My Heart was spiderweb shattered,
The pieces fell to the floor with a clatter.
The skies went dark and the stars came alive,
The rain soaked my heart and raced down my cheeks as I cried.

I looked up to see a face,
A handsome face in a dreary place.
He smiled at me with a crooked grin,
And I smiled back, right at him.

The boy I saw was Peter Pan,
I'll go with him to Neverland.
And as he guides me through the night,
We'll make it safe by morning's light.

Every day is a different story,
But cycles tend to form.
Cycles, cycles, cycles, cycles, cycles.
Compulsive, depressive, manic, crazy.

It’s like a CD skip- skip- skip- skipping,
But it’s not like she can remember why she was mad in the first place.
Doesn’t recall the fight you yelled at her for,
Can’t seem to forget her love for you though.

Roller coasters are her favorite.
Did you hear me? IRONY AT ITS FINEST.
Up and down and around and around,
Riding and being thrown by the waves over and over.

Thank you for putting up with her swinging,
Back and forth, like two-face.
She can’t control it, she didn’t want to be this way,
But God said she was strong enough...isn’t she?

At least she has good music tastes,
Riding around, the stations changing with her beautiful moods.
Smoke blowing out the windows,
She’s the one the music talks about: Here and Gone without a trace.

Do you think she ever gets tired?
Tired trying to keep up with her day to day phases?
Pha- Pha- Phases like the moon.
Beauty ever changing, but silent. Stuck in her head.

You love her though right?
I mean, think about it.
When it’s a good day, she’s so understanding and chill and all-around perfect.
Those days make every other worth it.

Right?

God bless the cycles, cycles, cy- cy- cycles.
For one whole day she’s uncontrollable.
Asking you a million questions and wanting to hug you for as long and as tight as she can.
Kisses, “I love yous,” excitement, annoyance.

“Can we get a pet octopus?
Oh pretty pretty please?
Can I cut my hair or dye it bright pink?”
“You hate pink” you say, but there she goes again.

Down down down the rabbit hole.
Off again she goes.
Hair flying in the breeze, that perfume you bought her still on your shirt.
Irri- irri- irritate- irritation.

The day very next, not even 24 hours yet,
Tears falling down her face, rivers of black eyeliner.
She doesn’t get out of bed.
“Baby what’s wrong?”

Nothing is ever truly wrong.
It’s like a weight on her chest, suppressing her every move.
A deep, black hole in the pit of her stomach, isn’t that what she said?
Misery at its finest. Almost like she’s already dead.

Why put up with her then?
Why ride this roller coaster?
Why hold her tight when she laughs?
Why hold her tight when she cries?

You see, why would anyone in the first place?

In fact, there’s no perks to dating a bipolar girl.
Not one.
Not at all.

all these voices
screaming
screaming at me

all these opinions
calling
calling for me

all these people
killing
killing me slowly

holding on too tight
too weak to hold on any longer
finger by finger
hope by slipping hope
there's nothing left to keep me up
slipping away
from your grasp and mine
nothing left behind
falling forever
i left nothing behind me
there was nothing to leave
a carcass dropping
floating down
the corpse is empty
she hasn't survived
so why ask?
ask if she's alright?
can you not see?
she never survived the push
she never survived the pain
she never survived the fall.

for you i will wait an eternity
there is nothing i wouldn't refrain
from you i find my everything
you are the one who keeps me sane

i worry about your wellbeing
when you hurt, i die inside
let me stay by your heart
and in the morning, my time i will bide

Unknowing, unaware.
Doesn't see, so it doesn't care.
Hanging up - Just like the bones,
Limp and lifeless and no one knows.
By the neck, the hanger holds;
Touched by the dark and growing cold.
The beauty gone, the color faded;
The fight is over, the survivor gave in.
Cursed by the mind, tainted by darkness,
Victim of everything, eyes dull and spark-less.
Nothing left, the coffin closes.
The door shuts early
                         On the Pink Sweater's Closet.

This pain in my heart keeps me company
The cigarettes cannot take it away
And even though I try to ask for help
No one ever sees it during the day

At night I draw to release the hurt
Drawing on my arms, my hips, my legs
Tonight I draw deeply
And maybe this will end this pain.

Watching the rain dripping over the edges
Seeing the smoke rise over the hedges

Captured and held in my self despair
The people notice me but they never care

Taking one last, final puff
I waste my last breath and turn to dust.