I had pretty much given up on humainty, but then I met someone who leaves his lights on so his fish can see where its swimming, and decided it's small moments like this that remind me there is still some hope left in this world.

My whole life I've been told to speak less or softer, that if I just tried "toning it down" maybe people wouldn't find me as overbearing, more approachable, even more feminine. Years of trying shrink myself into other peoples idea of acceptable has only led to self doubt, anxiety and self destructive behavior. I refuse to spend another second tearing myself apart to fit into boxes other people created for me. I am loud, opinionated, messy and much more . If thats "to much" for you, then so be it. I will no longer apologize for the space I occupy in this world.

Everything I think of killing myself
I start taking my make up off and I look at my eyes.

I've never thought I was beautiful, but my eyes

They're so blue and I think to myself what a waste of good eyes.

Sometime my blue eyes is what keeps me here

You are worth more than you give yourself credit for

Its bad now

But we have been happy before and we will be again

I promise

You are beautiful and loved and worth it.

Two shattered people not a word spoken

Lying in bed

Holding each other tight

In the Hope's that they can feel just a little less broken

Even if it's just for the night.

I can't wait for the day that I find someone where I don't have to question if they want me around.

Because all this not knowing is killing my soul.

I love you, you ******* idiot. We could have been everything and you threw it away for some ******* stupid blonde who will only ever last a few months... I would have been there for every ******* birthday, for every ******* Christmas. For any bad times you were going through, I would have stuck through them all just so I could see your smile. And you threw  that away for nothing, and you still can't see what you did to me, and you still can't see how much I cared about you, how much I'll always care about you. ******* for what you did. ******* for breaking me.

All I think about is you.

And all you think about is yourself.

You always bite my neck before you kiss me.

With us it's always lust over intimacy.

You're careful not to leave a mark, careful not to leave any proof.  

But I can feel it under my skin, it's your way of making sure I can't forget you, while making sure no one else will ever know about us.

It's like your always here, but standing just out of my reach.

One day I'll say no to you,

At least that's what I tell myself everytime you leave.

Wow, this boy really ****** me up.

I wanted him.

I wanted him more than anything.

Every fiber of my body was attracted to this boy.

And I believed every lie he told me, about him wanting me.

Long story short.

He didn't want me at all.

Today I told someone I loved them, and I ment it more than I could ever describe in words.

But there was a niggling thought in the back of my head.

"It's too soon," it whispered.

"You should have waited. It's too soon."

People will judge me. They will think I'm foolish.

But who is anyone else to tell me about how I love someone?

And since when does falling in love have a set rules?

Why should I let society decide that my love isn't real, because they don't belive someone can feel this strongly for somone so soon?

It took me eight months to say it to my X.

And I can honestly say that feeling was like a drop in the ocean, compared to how I feel now.

So yes you can say it's too soon.

Frankly I don't give a ****.

I think I could lie in bed with you forever,
And still lose myself in your eyes every time you smile.

I could kiss you all day,and still need a good bye kiss when you leave.

God...

You're going to completely destroy me, aren't you?

I feel a part of me slowly dying every moment we are apart.

I can't live without you.

This feeling can't even be classified as heart break. Because my entire body is falling apart.

I can't do this...

Ending a relationship is like breaking a glass.

If you stand up and calmly, pick up the pieces, and carefully clean up. All you'll have lost is some time and the glass.

If you rush and get angry, or act irrationally, you will get cut and end up unnecessarily hurt.

I need you, and that's what scares me.

Alot has happend in my bed...

A few firsts,
Like the first time I slept with someone, and the first time I told someone I loved them.
Two different boys if you can belive.

It's where I collapse after being away.

It's the home of my childhood teddy.

Where my nightmares take refuge.

Where I take cat nap... with my cat.

I've lay awake sobbing at sad movies, only half because of the movie.

I've slept alone, in someone's arms, and not at all.

Stayed awake making up a million different scenarios, thinking about the universe

To an outsider it's just a bed.

To me it's a life time of memories.

He made sure to show I belonged to him.
And of course his trade mark,
was a bruise.

And in my mind I scream at him,
 
"HOLD ME."

Do something, anything to show me you care.

But he didn't move a muscle.

Even something as hypnotic and breathtaking as fire, leaves behind something as *****, grey and irrelevant as ash.

Commitment issues aren't that hard to have when you have nothing and no one.

Being all alone, the only thing I have to commit to is breathing

And I've grown quiet fond of that...

Because the fact is, I was never good enough to be your first choice.

She wore all

Black

But her heart bled

COLOUR

No Matter how mad I am at you.

When your hand reaches out for mine, I know I'll let my finger intertwine with yours.

Hell, I'll squeeze your hand tighter.

The simple fact is that, it doesn't take much to make someone else happy.

A simple act if kindness like :

A tight hug
A compliment
A letter
A genuine smile

All these things take hardly any time.
And they could make somebody's:

Day
Week
Month

It could save them.
Spare a second for someone,and maybe they will do the same.

Be a nice person.

He told me he is giving her roses.

The boy, who yesterday I finally admitted I love.

The boy, who the day before that , kissed me.

The boy, who a week before that told me I was his forever, and I said the same.

The boy, who has my heart.

Is giving her roses...

Falling asleep, with your arms wrapped around me.Encasing me.

Drifting into unconscious.

Feeling completely safe.

And waking up.Not fully.

But just enough to see the new days sun.

When I gingerly touch your hip. 

You turn and wrap me in your arms once
again.As if it was second nature.

As if this action, was embedded into your DNA.

I lay there half asleep.

Listening to your breath.

Anything past the edge of the bed is
Galaxies away.

This moment is ours forever.

No one can take this from us.

What if when you aren't here I can't sleep?

And what if I cry?

What if I told you that you are my smile?

And I hope you never lie.

What if you knew that I think about the end constantly?

And if Ill lose my best friend ?

What if I told you how happy you make me?

What would you do then ?

What if we last forever ?

Then again...

What if you leave with my heart in your hand?

A single rain drop landed just beneath my eye.

It was as if nature was giving me the tear.

That it knew I couldn't shed in front of him.

When your house isn't safe anymore
And your left avoiding it at any cost
Is it still considered a home ?

You broke my ******* heart.

And you did it from the comfort of your own ******* garden.

While you had a *******  cigarette.

I was curled into the corner of a ******* bathroom, so no one could hear me cry.

I don't ******* cry.
But since then I can't ******* stop.

I can't ******* deal with this.

Why the **** did you do this to me?

I ******* hate you!

Please come back...

It's okay.

We can be broken together, broken pieces don't cut each other.

They just...

*Fit

I really don't know what he see in me.
When he smiles at me it's actually genuine.
Why.
I just...
I don't understand it.
How can I be sure his intentions are pure?
I really want them to be.
He could be different from the rest.
And trust me the rest, were awful.
He could actually like me for me.
That would be a new one.

So,good luck.
You're going to need it.

Its so much easier to push someone away, than to let yourself become vulnerable.
                                                     ­         
To give them the power to hurt you.

Showing your true feelings is relinquishing all your power.

You're trusting them not to take advantage of your weaknesses.

And that, is an absolutely ridiculous notion.

Once weakness is spoted, it is used and abused, untill you are just a quivering mess lying on the floor, wondering how you ever let yourself get into such a situation.

I will not be:
Vulnerable  
Powerless
Weak

I am strong, because people don't know the real me, and that's how its going to stay.

I wonder how long it will take him, to realise that being with me, is a mistake.

If I give you a kiss,promise you'll give it back?

Now my clothes are stained with the memory's of the boys that took them off.

The ones that never bothered to learn my middle name.

And I never found out their favourite colour...

Today I told someone that I have dignity and self worth...I lied

John Green made me sad in the best possible way...

So thanks

Augustus,who taught me to love people no matter what.

Hazel,for showing me we are all beautiful.

Alaska,for saying its okay to be a bit mischievous.

Pudge,for proving that you don't have to have millions of friends to feel loved.

The Coronel, for teaching me to believe in myself,no matter where I had come from.

Colin,for my eureka moment.

Both Will Graysons,for showing me is okay to not know exactly who you are.

And every character in Paper Towns,who just made me really happy.

But lastly and most importantly I'd like to thank John Green,because you made my life a better place with your books, and for that I'm forever greatful

Everyone always says, that they will always be there for you.

But the truth is, nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly sad.

and that's okay I don't blame them.

I wouldn't want to be around me either.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

Did I do something wrong ?

Is it be because I'm ugly?

Do I not say what I'm suppose to?

Is it because I can't go out ?

Or is it the way I dress?

I know my hair is a mess is that it ?

Just tell me what it is and I'll change it!
I can do better I promise!
Just tell me what I need to do please!

Please...
               I can change...
                                          *I promise...

I hope I'm not the type of person people tolerate.
              
The type of person that you agree with just to get them so stop speaking.

The type of person who people pity there need for attention.

The type of person who everyone roles there eyes at.
              
The type of person that brings nothing but waisted time when they speak.
                                                        
Really what I'm saying is that, I don't want to be like you...