is it my fault? because i feel as though i have failed
you. failed to save and to heal. you
were always shattering out of my fingers and
lingers the pain splinters. now blood:
death red coats my hands, my mind, my
soul.

it hurts. my eyes ***** and sting because what
if i could have done more? what if i should
have held tighter or refused
to let you go? once would have been enough but
there stood my warring halves.

toxic water, toxic mind: poison love that must
be mine. greedy hands close at life's first
sign; anything is food when you find
your stomach unsatisfied.

shattered.
my heart is shattered

i love you
and i know you love me
but i dont feel loved

how can i know that this is good
when my tears and mascara
stain my face
and my pillowcase
for the third night in a row?

I fall in love much to easy—
This I know is true.
It’s from up on cloud nine
To a puddle on the ground
(Once I know my chance is through.)

Each fall hurts more and more—
My heartstrings truly break.
I scoop myself up
And ask once again:
How much more can I take?

But falling is what I love—
The adrenaline and rush.
With a weightless freedom
And care-free happiness
My brain just turns to mush.

I shoulda kept my mouth shut;
I shoulda let it go.
But I couldn’t let you finish.
All I wanted was you to agree.

I couldn’t keep my mouth shut;
I didn’t let it go.
Then you felt mad
Because he blew up.

If I had only kept my mouth shut;
If I had only let it go.
The chatter woulda started
Instead of the silence that hung.

how do you get through
the days that are
all tears and tissues?
—the days
of running mascara
and stuffy noses

I’ve found all the wrong love
In all the wrong places—
Every bad match
With every darkened heart.

At least that’s what you tell me.

Do you focus on the letters
Or the words they form—
The letters of the law
Or it’s intent?

It’s the thoughts behind the words
The lingering questions behind the melody
That truly tell the story.

But we all focus on the words
Instead of their thoughts
And the melody
Rather than what lingers.
The sweetness,
Not the aftertaste.

Is that why we miss
What means the most?

This is my thanks to the ones
Who listen
And actually care
About the broken ones like me.
For your simple smiles
And short conversations
Have preserved more lives
Than you could ever imagine.

Though you may not have heard
An audible cry for help,
You have surpassed the ones that did.

My life,
Now indebted to each of you,
Will continue to go on
Because you gave me something better.

This is my call to the world:
Listen to those around you,
For we will cry out in need
With scars
Or bruises
(Both physical and mental).

Listen for the silent cry,
And seek out the ones who need you.

These are my words to the world;
Words that someone needs for life.

A flawless image,
Voice with nothing to correct,
And practiced fingers.

Staying up too late
With only you on my mind
You make me happy.

My forbidden love
The one I will not forget—
One I never had.

I’m sorry for the ways you’ve seen me:
Mascara running down my face,
Nails scratching my stomach,
And raging mad with red-hot face.

I wish I could take back
The words I’ve said,
But I know I’ll say them again
For only us to hear.

I’m sorry for the thoughts
That I know you’ve heard—
Or at least recognized
Through the looks you’ve come to know.

I’m sorry that you know me
Better than any actual person.
It isn’t your fault,
And I’m so sorry.

~Audra

Bold conversations
That I’ll probably come to regret.
In a beer-less bar
With only apple juice to comfort.

Find me a boy
To hug me softly
And hold my hand
Under the street lights.
One for sweet kisses
And freshly picked flowers.
A lifetime of firsts--
Of young love.

Find me a man
To hold me fiercely
And cry with me
While looking at the stars.
One for protective threats
And long drives leading nowhere
Needing deep, passionate words.
With that oh so scary word:

One for love.

Have I told you about that day
When I gave up all hope?
Can I tell you about that day?
Because it just might come again

Just let me tell you
About the day I gave up
When the sky seemed too blue
And my life was dull gray.

No one knows about that day
When I couldn't hold on
But now it must be shared
Before another one like it comes

Today is not like that day
For I can see much more clearly
And my head does not spin, yet
I fear another one like it comes.

The door slammed.

The heavy air about
Serves to remind me
Of how I have been hurt
By those there to heal
Of how I have bleed
From cuts that will scar
Of how I was crushed
And will never be the same

You know it is there,
Yet you push it away
To make a better image
Of what truly took place
When the door slammed
To shake the house.
All that you care of
Is how the others see
And what thoughts will form
When they see our faces

But oh! How I wish
That one day courage
Will overtake the heart
That beats in my mind.
When victory will be given
To those who were ignored.
The ones who felt the house shake
Yes, those in the shadows
Who need it the most

Until then I wait
Enduring pain after pain
For I have no power
To end my suffering.
Though I wish it was over,
My selfish end will never come.
Maybe someone needs me;
I wait and see the day,
But until then I remember how

The door slammed.

Am I being
        too picky—
Should I settle
       for what I know?

But I was taught
         to never settle,
For that will lead
        only to regret.

Some want louder love
But all I need is such in total
Every day is my reminder
Of the empty, hollow feeling
When I’m with a whole crowd
But no one truly cares.
And no one stops to see
The tears that could be falling—
The tears that would be falling
If I truly showed myself.

Just a look
At your eyes.
Pain seeping through
The barriers unseen.
I soak it up
Hoping to be of help
But nothing works.
Quieter than thought possible
Wishing I had the courage
To help take it away.
The power—
I have,
But the courage
Is lost at sea.

I want to be there
When you let your hair down,
And when you talk about your day:
Every person that got under your skin.

I want to see the kinks and curls
Each golden wave and blue pool—
The ones that draw me in.
And the curve of your perfect smile

I want to mend the
Broken and bent emotions
That you’ll never want to share.
But maybe after my begging your mind will change.

With the position I’m in, I’ll never be seen,
I’m a name and a face constantly in the crowd.
I can barely yell for you and cheer you on,
Yet somehow I still wish to be there.

When you let your hair down.

You’re on my mind
Again.
Although I am not surprised,
For today we exchanged words—
And your hair was down.

You were in my dreams—
What a feat when
My subconscious uses brick
For the walls that shelter
All thoughts and feelings.

For it is dangerous
When I say:
You are on my mind
And in my dreams.

i am so sorry
because it wasn’t your fault—
it was set to fail

my apologies
for your words really did help—
i just could not see

though you did not see
the thoughts requiring this,
i know them all once.

to me: i’m sorry
i did not push away lies
so they were believed.

Welcome to the age of
“Go ahead and share your problem
As long as you already have it under control.”
The age of taking ahold of reality
And making it your own
Because it “can’t tell you what to do.”

Welcome to the period of
“Anything men can do,
Women can do while bleeding.”
Feminism is equality,
And it is the future—
A future much brighter than where we are now.

Welcome to the time of
Feeling every emotion possible
And not being ashamed to be real.
This time of having heartfelt talks
Because “what you feel is real”
So “we can talk whenever you’re ready”

But what if my problems
Haven’t been looked at yet?
And what if my reality is
A place of blood welling up—
With a threatening blade.
Because I’m drowning in my suffering.

How about when I need
A protective wall surrounding me
From the awful hurt I feel?
When all I want is a manly hug from
A brother or an oh-so-special man.
Can your woman still give me my shield?

Am I the only shell of a girl walking about?
If heartfelt talks are on the menu,
Then why can’t I ask about my shortcomings?
The ones that no one knows
But I still allow to define who I am.
Rid me of this sorrow in nothingness.

Will we ever discuss the real question
That needs to be asked and answered?
How do we fix ourselves
And reverse the dimensions of society?
Can we stop the empty sadness
That all to many face?

Her hands were all too there,
And I felt their every move
I’m not comfortable.
I’m not comfortable.
We’re supposed to just be friends.

Is this claustrophobia
Or some secluded depression
I don’t like it.
I don’t like it.
How will the story end?

Maybe I’m just paranoid—
Repeating everything for conviction
You aren’t like this.
You aren’t like this.
I just need to get through the night.

Drip
Drip
Strike one.

She is a zombie walking down
An empty hallway

Drip
Drip
Strike Two

Will I ever feel the same?

Life isn’t a game,
You can’t act like nothing happened.
I know you think that I can’t lighten up.
But there is no sunshine to remind me what light looks like.
You’re jokes just make it worse
Because I’m not here to play.

Drip
Drip
Strike three.

Sorry— that these are my raw emotions
I’m fine— it’s not like you care
It doesn’t matter— anymore

Faking smiles
And trying to forget.
Oh wait, that’s contradictory.

Drip
Drip
Silence.

Were you hit?
By a
Truck?

I think you’ve seen
Better
        days.

Not that I could
Say this…

What if:
        I came that night?

Do
You even
        want
To come?

How.
Would you     respond
                To me?

Well,
At least I
        saw you.

Things could have gone
       Much worse.

I’ll just
        wait
For next time.

He is back in the business
And I’ve seen it for myself,
But then why do I feel it’s not over?
Like this is the beginning
Of something with potential
To be good or bad.

I should feel like
Flowers, sunshine, and happiness;
I’m really not complaining
(You would know if I was).
But I’m still not convinced
By the smile on his face.

Does he know how much I worry?
Of his hurting and his pain?
Does he realize that it kills me?
Every week he is still away?

Of course not,
I don’t share that stuff.
No, I still seem very alive
Each week I’m still bouncy.

What would happen if he returned?
And I asked the simple question?
Would he sense any of my concern?
And would he put the fear to rest?

I guess I’ll never know
Because I couldn’t do I anyway.
No; worry would fade to nothing,
And I’d be happy for the day

Remember when you started high school?
Mom said I already had you gone.
But now it's really happening,
So see these words and remember
All that we've done together
Because life with you is all I’ve known.

Remember all of those long drives?
Somehow you never got sick:
To Ripon, Iowa, and Alabama
And "how many hours left?"

Remember Christmas at our house?
Putting up the tree
All the UPS elves in a row
A warm Christmas in the pool.

Remember playing together?
Fun occasions (but rare)
Games like Eagle Eye,
And playing legos in your room.

Remember going to Papa's concerts?
Before we were even in them
Sitting with mom in the back
Eating smarties to keep us happy.
Pick a favorite song and mark it
To let Papa know when we could;
Stopping at Dairy Queen with the others
And getting home way too late.

Remember the day Chloë came?
We lay in that waterbed.
I wanted the name Samantha,
But we got a life of change instead.

Remember all the summers at the beach?
Coming home with sand in our hair;
Going hiking to return tired,
Staying out late hanging with friends.
Waiting for my birthday:
Knowing what dinner will be.

Remember spinning until we fell?
I always seemed to get dizzy;
And savoring ice-cream
As though it was our very last meal.

Remember dinners all alone?
Eating mac n cheese or leftovers.
Playing music on blast,
Just the three kids at home.

Remember going to youth group?
We go farther as a team.
I got my name up first;
Although it took some ****** knuckles.

Remember all the memories we made together?
I’ll never forget each one
For each means something different
And something special
Even when you go there'll be more
So come back soon to make them.

Breath in:
         It’s okay;
Breath out:
         He’s still here.
Life won’t
         Just fade away,
So stop
         All of your worry.
He would tell
         You if it got bad.
He’s a big boy—
         He can live his life.
You don’t need
         To **** in;
He probably
         Wouldn’t like it.
But what if
         He needs me?
And what if
         He can’t say?
Repeat.

He stands there hurting
But refuses to cry out.
Life goes by,
But I look up.

He can’t stand anymore
But says sleep was a stranger.
Life smiles along,
But I can’t go on.

He never sleeps
But claims it isn’t that bad.
Life says he is introverted,
But I make conversation.

He pushes and receives injury
But says he can play.
Life agrees and hands him a ball,
But I give him a worried look.

He won’t tell me anything
I don’t know how to get the truth.
Life won’t let him be
And I can only be for him.