things were never supposed to end
my body remembers you,
like surgery, like scar.
the imprint of loss doesn't fit
when I was never supposed to lose you
in the first place.
screaming to skies that don't listen.
apologies are nothing when you've
shoved me into the villain role
knowing all along you broke me in the first place.
i'd give anything to have you back.
i'd given anything to never
want you back.
and it's always right there in the middle.
knowing you're no good for me,
knowing that you could have been.
the whole body ache. the
imsorryitsamess I am doingmybest.
the way they hold your hands and tell you
it gets better, you get over it, you stop wanting
you stop wanting. one day it just stops.
it's the way they can't see the bruises, the battering
because the outsides look fine. the outsides smile.
the outsides are a good employee, a good friend.
the outsides are a much better actor
than i give them credit for.
it's like marking a page in a book,
setting it down, never picking it back up
again. tragic. the movement of life. it sits
on a shelf, months, years. you forget the plot
the characters, the motion. your fingers run
over its spine every so often, thinking you'll
come back to it. it's how you never think the end
is the end, how it burns, how you forget the last
kiss, the last I love you, the last everything. how
eventually, the sting of those lost memories stops
stinging. how you forget you ever started the book
in the first place
and it's how someday you do pick up the book
again, you do, and it all comes rushing back to you.
the circle of the stages, how each one becomes
a familiar visitor you welcome in with warm coffee
and ask how they've been. they don't ever really
ask you. for awhile, it's like getting hit in the stomach,
lost for air. eventually the visitors go elsewhere for
coffee, and you never realize when you've finally
put down that book for the last time.