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solus Sep 2021
do i miss you?
i miss a lot of things.
i miss the sound of the garage door
of the house i grew up in.
i miss the toughness
of the acres of yellowing
grass bruising my baby feet.
i miss the smell of chlorine early
in the morning and the
sound of the windchimes in the
late evening.
i miss the sound of the front door
of my first apartment,
i miss the creak of the wood floors
in the old house,
i miss the late nights and the
fearlessness of being 22, 23, 24.
i miss a lot of things that were
impermanent milestones,
and i left them behind
when the  time came.
so when you ask if i miss you,
the answer is yes,
in the same kneejerk
way you miss all the things that
once mattered.
solus Aug 2021
first, your absence.
second, the wounds.
third, hindsight.
fourth, the betrayal.

grieving your loss,
reliving every ugly moment
without the blinders -
the anger, the anguish,
and i wonder how
it is i am supposed to
do this. to miss you,
to hate you, to see you
for everything you could be,
everything you've become,
to worry about what you
still might do.

i don't know how to carry
all these things and i don't
know how to bandage these
wounds, i don't know how.

i am tired.
i am so tired.
solus Aug 2021
letting go is an art form,
untangling from the fears
and the what ifs -
i realize they do not just
vanish, and therein lies
the art.
solus Aug 2021
salt in the wound
twenty seven and
still unsettled in a

permanent detachment,
the only kind of
permanence

i've laid hands on,
an emptiness that
never fills -

salt in the wound
still here, still here.
unsettled.
solus Aug 2021
odd is the feeling
of loneliness for a
person who's face
you'd happily
slam a door in.

absence is still an
adjustment
even when presence
is no longer the safe
option -

i had another dream
about you last night.
an alternate reality:

the baby on my hip,
and you, screaming
yet again in my face.
the bruises became
so easy to lie about
if it meant
you'd never lay a hand
on the baby.

i've felt your breath, hot
on my face, when you're that
angry and i've sworn up
and down to so many people,
that no, no, he'd never lay
a hand on me

but here's a secret:
i was afraid of the day
it would finally happen

and when i close my eyes
and remember your face
in my face, your hot breath,
and the dead in your eyes
and it's hard to admit,
it was only a matter of time.
solus Aug 2021
i never understood
the ability to remove
someone from your life
without another word
until i experienced
the unforgivable wounds
of unforgivable betrayal
and it finally made all the
sense in the world.

and i can't help but feel like
this is my karma, for leaving
someone i once loved with
the unforgivable wounds
of unforgivable betrayal
and i know it doesn't really
work like that, and that
my guilt and my grief
and my changes have paid
those debts. but i wish
i could go back. i wish
i could undo it, more than
i ever did. i always knew
the hurt i caused, but it's
a much different understanding
when you're on the other side.

but i suppose the greatest
gift i can give us both now
is to let you go, and i did.
it was so hard for so long
and all at once, it was the
easiest thing i've ever done.
solus Aug 2021
i had a dream about you
the other night.
the good part of you
came to visit and could
not understand that
when it was time for me
to go, that he could not
come, that he had been gone
for a long time.

i'm not sure why, but it
snuffed out all of my anger.
most of it, anyway.
i have a hard time thinking
badly of you, regardless of
every reason you've given me.
the truth is that you're just
that sad, hurt little boy
and that sadness and that hurt
has corrupted you into a monster,
and rather than anger,
rather than hatred,
the only thing that comes to mind
when i think of you now is
pathetic.

the cruelty of (y)our ending made
it so much easier for me to let you go,
and while i hope you get better
i hope you do it far, far
away from me.
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