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solus 2d
you love her
like you never loved me
and that's okay.
finally, it is okay.
i'm happy to see you happy
grateful to see you love
like you always could
despite everything.

but i admit
it hurts
to feel the world moving on
around me
and i am alone
all over again
drowning in new agonies
and healing new wounds

and i am tired of wounds
i am tired of men who could love me better
i am tired of healing
i am tired
i am tired

mostly, i am okay.
mostly, i am okay alone.

but sometimes  i can't help but ache
to be loved
like her.
solus Nov 15
i think of you,
your little shape,
the outline of a
life never meant
to be.

it's alright, most of the time.
you were never really
supposed to be mine.

your little life was already so hard
for both of us, and it would
have only gotten harder.
we would have only gotten
sicker.

there's a good chance you wouldn't
have made it anyway. there's a good chance
i wouldn't have either.

but i grieve you. who you could have
been. what our life would be like now.

i wanted to want you.
i really did. i almost let you stay.
almost.
solus Oct 20
i have lost people
i love dearly
to my own doings
and yet you
have caused more damage
combined.

never laid a hand on me
but i am still more bruised
than i have ever been -

and you ride your carousel,
hiding your grief in woman
after woman and maybe
you did love me as much
as you said

but maybe you loved me
for what i did for you
and when i stopped
you stopped

and around and around
you go.
solus Oct 14
you
you walk away clean,
the victim,
like you didn't absolutely
wreck me,
like you didn't leave me
with a ptsd diagnosis
and mountains of
therapy bills.

you get to pretty
up your tinder profile
like an easy-going
guy with a dog and a plate
of food and who
would ever look at you
and think
my,
what an abusive guy.

while i am still here
wondering why
i can't let go,
why am i always
too hurt to live and
too scared to die.
solus Oct 3
in the absence,
the vacancy,
i am alone
with me
and we are
learning how
to sit in silence
together, how to
make dinner for
just us, how to be whole
again.

i am feeling less like
a caricature of myself,
less colored outside the
lines and haphazard
and the more i cut
away at the things which
do not serve, the more
i am my own for the first
time in so long.

to be tethered to no one
but me, i am finally,
finally free.
solus Sep 20
feels too heavy, too full,
a balloon about to burst.
too many unsaid things.
too much anger.
too many unhealed wounds.

and i don't know how to say so.
nobody knows to ask, would even
look for the screaming inside my head
when i've always been so quiet,
so easy.

it's getting too hard and all
i want to be is alone
and all i am is alone

and what a marvel that is.
to want to be alone,
to be alone,
and the silence is suddenly
so deafening.

i can count the days between
messages, between phone calls,
and because i am free
now

the danger has passed -

i seem fine -
i am not fine.
solus Sep 11
the silence
stings
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