in someone's house, there's a photograph
it's framed by the front door, almost on display
it's there for visitors to see and believe
and I'm not quite sure how they fall for it.

in the photo is a happy family
a daughter, a mom, and a dad
all smiling and loving and caring and happy.
they see cheery, normal people.
hey deceived they must feel.

but the girl? she was a boy.
she was he who wasn't himself.
he was confined to a body of all pink and bursting with estrogen
he was she who was he who was trapped
and his father hated him.

yelling and shouting "christina! christina!"
tears falling like dumbbells on unsuspecting toes
"chris! chris!" he'd yell back
but only in his brain
because the daddy-daughter dances
had already been attended.

bruises from beatings that couldn't be healed
but the happy photo still hung in the hall
and even as chris watched the rings go
from left hands to right he still hid behind
that perfect, happy family.

and the people failed to see through it.

the incessant running of a faucet,
a clock ticking rhythmically
with the sudden clink of metal on tile.

drip, drip, drip

a flow that's too late to stop
splashes filling the tub
gallons and gallons rushing to supply it.

drip, drip, drip,

crimson on clear creating spools of red colour,
this is it. this is all i'll ever be known for.
i've never seen the end so near.

drip, drip, swallow

it's all gonna be okay
i'll close my eyes and lean back
everything is a headrest if you make it one

drip, swallow relax,

i see dark, fuzzy spots yet feel a burning pain,
i feel so colourful yet soon i'll be gray
so here i'll lay until it's over and i'm found
cut scene, fade to black,

roll credits.

beads that hit like bullets
sudden and painful and take you by surprise
but the damage is only temporary
and then i collect them
and give them sentimental value
which i know is something i shouldn't
because ill only lose them anyway

the other people who have collected beads
are guns
they shoot them when they lose them
some days they want their beads back but
they're mine now
and because of that we don't get along
im the one who gave them value
so they're mine and they're never getting them back

i dont remember my first bead
where it came from or how i got it
but one day it appeared
but now it's long gone
i wouldn't worry if i were you
most people never keep their first bead
they go missing after a while

on rare occasion im not being careful
on rare occasion i decide i won't act with ease
im reckless and careless
until suddenly
i pull the trigger, not on purpose in the slightest
maybe i said some things, did some things
knew a little too much about things
but because i pulled the trigger
only a couple will stay, the rest will go missing
and ill never get them back

my beads are weapons that are used against me
they never asked to be shot at me
but once i attached that value to them
they were stuck with me forever
and despite people telling me "let them go"
"the chipped beads, the bad beads"
"you don't need them. they're toxic."
but i keep them because i believe it's worth it

but then because of those few beads i keep
i slowly notice the others disappearing
one by one they're all gone
and suddenly without warning
my barrell of beads is empty
except for the last
and now the beads i once cherished so much
are gone
and now in the barrell of another gun

i pulled the trigger again

there's a boy
in the back
of my science class
who i sit just a few feet away from.
he stays quiet to
other people
but to our friends
he opens up and smiles.

there's a boy
in the back
of my science class
who i started talking to
a little less than a year ago.
he's shy, and he's smart,
and he's cute and amazing
and i could talk about him
all day.

there's a boy
in the back
of my science class
who my best friend
just asked out.
i love them both
to bits
but now it hurts
to face either of them
without breaking down.

there's a boy
in the back
of my science class
who i don't want
to see tomorrow
because this
boy
in the back
of my science class
is taking over
my thoughts
and i can't seem to get him out.