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Oct 26 · 45
Panic.
marie Oct 26
My lungs out of my body, like two dark ****** fish on the floor.
I know
an ugly picture.
but that’s the only way to describe how useless they are, meaningless,
empty, dry.
like fish out of the water,
while my lungs are on the floor,
I watch myself drown in this ocean of blood,
trying at least to take a breath or two,
but fish can’t live out of the water,
fish can’t breath while being on the floor
and im drowning even deeper,
now everything is red.
wrote this in the middle of a panic attack. about a month ago.
Oct 10 · 989
hey
marie Oct 10
hey
i miss you
Oct 5 · 99
13 September
marie Oct 5
As the half moon sinks into the mountain across my room,
and I think that the only place I’d rather be is in your arms, feeling the warmth of your heart touching my bare skin.
Wanting to sink into you just like the moon sank in those mountains, shined bright for a bit, and now although is hidden,
it is the most beautiful thing my eyes ever came across to.
i love finding little poems that i forgot i wrote, shows that i still somewhere have some emotion hidden. always have, tho sometimes i forget that
Sep 18 · 72
my heart in your voice
marie Sep 18
i love how your voice hugs my heart
and surrounds it like home,
cause when i hear your voice it feels so warm,
almost like you give me hope.

hope for opening my eyes, hope for running even more miles
far away, just so i can see
all the smiles that i missed.

your voice reminds me of peace
as I hide in those notes
as you try to form your words
all i want to be is yours
<3
marie Aug 7
When do we start living?
Because I know for sure that breathing all this air all this time can’t be the only thing that Imma be doing on this earth.
So when do we start living this life they gave us?start playing this game they put us in?
I am really starting to get bored.
I see that some people want to end this game, but little do they know, they haven’t even press the start button yet.
Aug 4 · 94
locked up
marie Aug 4
they locked me up in this body and i cant get over the fact that im going to have to stay in here forever. forever just seems a huge word, endless time.
i am only 17 years in this cage and i can barely breath every single day.
ready to drown in my own tears, i feel like my cage isnt strong enough to keep me warm anymore.
so im trying to do something, to do something to get out of here.
but the key is nowhere,
until i lose control,
once again,
the beast inside me called guilt eats me up.
and it never, never gets satisfied.
the scars on my knees and my awful  headaches are trying to find a reason to resist.
but once the beast came out, theres no going back.
everything i do is worthless. because im the one that locked myself in here. and i swallowed the key like i did with the pill of guilt right down my throat.
#fuckingeds
Aug 4 · 68
talk
marie Aug 4
shes with me because she can control me so she thinks that she can control herself. i am nothing to her. just a tool to use so she can survive and then throw away cause its useless anymore. and i thought u were different. i thought u wanted to improve me as a person and help me become better . but no . u only wanted to benefit urself. to make yourself better through me.
Jul 24 · 187
amen
marie Jul 24
i was born sick, but i love it
~hozier
Jul 23 · 344
tied up
marie Jul 23
tie up the moon and throw it in the ocean.
fill it with all my emotions, experiences, loves, fears..
make the moon carry everything that my heart can no longer.
make the moon feel the emotions i hid under my skin.
make the moon cry, make her cry and throw her rain in every little white daisy that meets her way.
make the moon have the opportunity to be.
make the moon
live
make her just
be.
aka let me be.
Jul 23 · 75
your eyes
marie Jul 23
it never lasts you know?
that feeling. that feeling of excitement, enthusiasm, adrenaline, happiness.
that feeling of love.
none of that ever lasts.
and i keep asking myself: why?
why does this keep happening to me?
why can i be good enough for things to stay?
good enough for things to last?
and the answer cant be found anywhere.
not even in the countless nights ive stayed awake staring at my ceiling.
not even in every empty coffee cup thats been sitting on each corner of my house the past few weeks.
this answer, that i seek,
cant be found nowhere,
nowhere in the whole universe,
except your eyes,
a place im not allowed to look into.
this is sad but i swear im happy now its been some time
Jul 18 · 160
the "good" part
marie Jul 18
So you keep asking me why I never finish reading these books anymore.
The fact is that I hate the first part of the book.
I hate it. So I always skip straight to the good part.
You know, to the moment when the main characters become from enemies to lovers, or when one of them dies suddenly in a car crash.
I hate it when everything in the story is okay.
Maybe it is because I'm so used to it when its not.
So take me to the good part.
Its called good for a reason after all, right?
imbalance.
Jul 7 · 91
marie Jul 7
i cant get you out of my ******* head
Jul 4 · 99
home
marie Jul 4
you said you wanted to go home.
wanted some time to clean up your garden from all the broken sticks from the trees that were all over the place caused by the storm.
you said you wanted to go home.
feed your cats, draw on your night stand, while smoking a cig and looking at the stars.
you said you wanted to go home.
make yourself some pasta and waiting for the water to boil while overthinking and looking through the window above the sink of your kitchen.
you said you wanted to go home.
to clean up all the mess that Ive left behind, put the million pieces I broke back together.
you said you wanted to go home. and then i said i wanted to go home too.
so you agreed.
but what you missed is, when i said home, i didnt mean a building, neither a location. home is where people belong.
and i belong with you, my home- is you.
and i truly want to, go home.
why do i make things so big when i dont even want it? ig its bc im never gonna actually have all those big things in reality, isnt it?
Jul 3 · 78
cheers to another one
marie Jul 3
what you gave me in one life, they took from me in one hour.
Jun 15 · 75
smoke, smoke, smoke
marie Jun 15
i know why i love the smell of cigarettes so much.

it is bc it smelled like you.
it is because i miss the times when i got mad at you when you smoked more than five a day.
so now that you left, i cant stop thinking about all the things we did.
so everytime you popped up in my head,
everytime all these memories came back,
i kept thinking of how much i wanted you, how much i loved you.
although i couldnt have you.
but i could have a part of you.
something from you.
i could have the smell of your cigarettes and the thought of them calming you down after a long day.
so everytime you got in my head,
i went ahead and lighted up another, and another cigarette
and then i felt so near you,
almost like you were sitting next to me,
exhaling the whitish smoke i used to hate.

i know why i love the smell of cigarettes so much.
marie Jun 13
everything changed when i started dancing instead of running to burn calories.
#ed
May 30 · 61
“what a waste”
marie May 30
I hate you so much.
I dont want to, but i do.
you make me feel that way
do i make you feel the same?

I think of doing terrible things
I wanna **** you in cold blood,
I wanna see you suffer from above,
like you did when i was young.

I wanna see you hurting, in pain.
and do nothing like you did,
when i was at the bottom, lost my faith,
and you were just sitting there, smiled a bit.

Im gonna end up killing you,
or killing myself,
cause i wanna finally let go,
and i will, only by death.
May 10 · 135
im fine.
marie May 10
I miss the time when I actually enjoyed eating that burger you offered me last night.
I miss when eating a pack of Cheetos wasnt one of my biggest fears in the entire world.
I miss the times i was eating a healthy amount of food by the time i needed it.
I miss the times my mind wasnt a calculator every single second of each day.
I miss the time I could sleep at night without my stomach hurting, asking for at least a glass of water.
I dont want to have a mental breakdown whenever i eat a chocolate.
I wanna remember the taste of pizza again.
I want to eat a whole donut by myself.
I dont want my happiness to depend on the number of a scale.
I wanna eat dinner again, something except a salad.
I dont want to workout everyday.
I want to finally feel happy without my stomach screaming.
I want to stop.
I want to eat.
i dont know if this is called an eating disorter, i just know that i cant do this anymore. its so hard fighting my own mind everyday.
#ed
May 7 · 46
lazy Monday
marie May 7
“its just a lazy Monday, lazy Tuesday, lazy Wednesday.” I told myself.
hoping I’ll be fine by tomorrow.
hoping something will change this time.
I hold my breath under the pillows, looking,
searching for something to wake me up.
I keep it to myself, as always, quiet as possible.
staring out of the windows,looking out for the birds, my only friends,
and still waiting, but nothing ever arrives.
so thats how i stayed here in this huge box,
staring at my ceiling, until without me even realising it,its once again a “lazy Monday”
and im still waiting for you ,waiting for something,
to come and wake me up.
Apr 25 · 42
i hate it here
marie Apr 25
i hate it here.
i hate it.
i hate it so much.
why i am in this thing, this cage we called body
i dont wanna be here.
its cold, and dark.
no light, i cant get out.
i wanna scream, but
i cant shout.
it doesnt let me
my brain is screaming at me
Thats too much! thats too little
i am so tired of all of this.
i dont wanna be here
please, can someone get me out?
i hate it here.
Apr 23 · 83
i feel
marie Apr 23
firstly, i felt like the first sunbeam every morning lighting up every little bee that jumps from a flower to another.
now i realised
i feel for you what the moon feels for the sun. endless love, day and night, so close and also so far. so cold and so warm, so bright but so dark.
i wanna show this to the whole universe.
i wanna open my heart.
but i dont know if what im feeling, is that which we call love.
the only thing i know tho is that the moon never meets the sun, but she still shines every night for him so he can love her back.
so imma shine bright like that little ball in my sky, so whenever you look up,
ill be there.
always by your side.
Mar 6 · 158
trust
marie Mar 6
trust.
i trust so many people
i trust so easily
i have expectations for ppl
but in the end
all i get is nothing
all i am always gonna get is nothing.
so why do i keep hurting myself?
why do i expect things for others
why do i trust?
i know trust has a price
but the more i pay, the less i get back.
Feb 13 · 23
i want you to know
marie Feb 13
i want you to know,
that im here
through day and night,
ill be near

i want you to know
that i care
and when you need someone to carry your fears,
when you need someone to cover your tears,
ill be there, in the dark

cause when your dark wont let you out,
ill be lighting the candle,
and ill wait for u outside
and ill be by your side

you cant always see me
cause its dark where you are,
but im here and im not leaving
until the darkness gives you back

i believe in you, you can do this.
scaring the thoughs, travelling through the tunnels

tho if you cant, it is in fact okay.
cause iknow you tried, you fought this pain,
and whatever, ever happens,
you know that you always got this.

so i just want you to know, that ill be watching.
watching right above you.
cause if you go down i do too,
and if anything happens to you,
i just want you to know,
that I was, will and am still,
loving you.
Feb 9 · 885
im falling asleep
marie Feb 9
mom look! im falling asleep
in his arms, travelling through his dreams
mom im falling asleep
please, please cant you see?

im happy mom, im happy.
dont cry, but smile for me
i dont like to see u like this
remember me just a bit

cause we ll meet again.
i promise. ill be waiting
but for now, just keep smiling
cause finally, my pain is fading
i dont even remember writing this but here we are ig
marie Feb 5
why is it so hard to find happiness?
Its like, they give you a gift, and they say "go on, open it".
but under its cover, it has another cover, and another one, and then another one.

for some people in this world, there are only
ten, or twenty covers,
for some others, there are are
hundreds, or even thousands.

and there is an amount of people,
that they just open all the boxes,
and get rid of all the covers,
and all they can find is nothing.

their last box is empty.
and thats when it hits us.
thats when you know there is
no freedom,
or happiness,
or happily ever after.

for some of
them
for some of
us
Feb 4 · 149
One night
marie Feb 4
my heart is beating so fast
my bed seems so big
and yet im so small,
in relation to the feelings i have for you,
im nothing.
although i still manage to carry all these things you called emotions,and put in my head in one night.
Feb 4 · 245
"Real"
marie Feb 4
Is it real really?
everything around me.
everything around us.
as loud as me dreaming,
my mind wont stop screaming.
yelling, while killing,
and lying to me.
you once told me: "this IS real"
but it wont let me believe.
I dont feel that youre here.
I cant touch, but I can see.
is this really you and me?
Feb 2 · 48
for you.
marie Feb 2
i wanted to write a poem about you.
about how you make me feel,
how your face wont let me sleep.
the red hair on your shoulders,
and the smoke in your pockets.

i wanted to make you feel special.
to make you feel what i felt
but is it even possible?
cause since i met you im not the same..

ive never thought id change for anyone
especially when it comes to love.
but when you came into my life
something felt so right, i wanted you ,        SO BAD.

i havent felt like this before
and ion even know anymore,
is this true? or am i dreaming?
how come i know youre not leaving?

and what if i wake up again?
staring at this ceiling,
cause i know you’re just in my head,
still every morning i watch you leaving

tho i dont want you to leave.
but do i want you do stay?
i dont know how to act
or even if you feel the same.

so im not going to bed tonight.
cause i dont wanna sleep again
without you by my side.
but if i do, -sleep in your bed-
id rather not wake up again.
Jan 31 · 42
until I met you
marie Jan 31
ive never thought that i could change.
until i met you
ive never thought i have this rage,
until i met you.

i love u so much
but sometimes it doesnt feel right
i dont even know who i am
who is that person, in your bed that night.

everybodys saying leave,
run away before its too late
but i cant stand a day without u
without how u made me felt that day

u make me feel alive
but u also make me feel dead
ive been dead inside long ago
so why can i just forget?

why can i forget you?
youre not even here anymore
but i cant run away from you
youre part of me, of my truth.
a toxic relationship-one sided love, it either means everything, nothing, or both.

— The End —