Brush painting his features
Irregular
Heart aches
Skin itches
Irreparable
There's still war outside
Irrelevant
Feels likes I'm lost in him
Irresponsible
Soft touches
Steady steps
Irremovable
His smile, his smell, his secrets
Irresistible
Intertwining our lives and bodies
Irrevocable
Strong presence, whispers, support
Irreplaceable
All of this is so ethereal

Irrational

Morph
Morph into anything
Into a nightmare
Into a pleasant dream
A morning bird
Or a moonlit bedroom
Fear of handcuffs
Or whisper's trust
Into an old man
Or newborn flower
Stain of coffee
Or withering grass

Whatever
You'll morph into
In my dream

I'll still love you

Every other second, you move your hands
elegant, pliable, alive and strong
you twist them into a knot
and rub with thumbs
I dare not look away
these hands are holding
nothing less than a ribbon
leading straight into my heart
and there it gets irrevocably tangled
and there it pulls me deeper into this madness
I'm in love with your hands
they live their own intruguing life
while you think and laugh...

never going out with it
the hole that's leaving my soul bare
im guilty
i wish i could tell you things
instead i can only stare
and pray you understand

improbably divine, it happened still.
reborn, rebuilt, rebroken and rejoined,
like grass that grows across the asphalt scars,
some different kind of me with changing will.
adapting. morphed. you know, sometimes,
the thing what hurts you so, so much
can turn into a blessing in disguise.
or so I hope.

took out the glass shards from my feet,
then stepped one time, ignoring pains,
covered the road with my blood stains.
it hurts, but so important still. and so,

I'm ready now to step again
and re-discover

There is nothing more I wish
Than to see the loved ones
As they pass away.
Because every time they died,
I was never around
And they died alone.
At home, or at a hospital.
During my school hours
Or in the deepest night.
And I don't want to be elsewhere.
I want to be there.
I NEED to see them.
To properly say
Goodbye.

And thank you.

Stop.

Calm.

Exhale.

clear your mind.

breath in.

and out.

This world
is kind.


You will be fine.

You're doing great.

inhale.

exhale.

four - seven - eight.


Now hug yourself
and softly smile.

or cry a little.

breathe for a while.


accept

and calm.

see what is there:
your favourite place
you've built with care?

strong growing plants,
delicious tea?

a patch of sunlight,
warm, gentle sea?

inhale... and listen
for a while.


it all will pass.

and all be fine.

♥

Back then you were
Happy, thankful, content
A year later
Broken, wailing and spent
A month later
Hopeful, nervous and sad
A week later
It's the worst that you've ever had
A day later
You're healing and turning to friends
An hour later
Treading barefoot in the sand
A minute later
't was never so easy to love
A second later
Your heart's being taken apart...
What will happen,

we never know from the start.

You've been there, seen that, done that, -
But I don't care because
I have to try to be there,
I need to go and see that,
I must attempt to do that -
But this time, on my own.

When I first crushed into this boy,
it was like walking in the breeze
a beam of sunshine on my desk
a hope of seeing something more
When I first crushed into this man,
There was no pain, but much of fear
I saw him wild and saw him tamed,
And thought I knew what was his core.
I didn't.

Much to his surprise,
I stood relentless by his side.
He pushed away, I didn't halt,
And now I'm broke,
And it's my fault.
When I first crushed into this man,
I had a thousand miles to go.
I'm walking still without a plan.
Above me cries ****** of crows.
It's killing me and I don't care,
I've promised not to turn away.
My soul's beginning to decay.
I'm scared as hell and it's not fair.
Right now, I write and realise.
It's not like walking in the breeze -
A storm that upside-downs my desk.
A pain, and fear that makes me freeze.
Right now, I write and realise -
Despite all this, I still don't care.
It's downright mad and it's unwise,
But to see you, I'll pay this fare.

You're the one standing last
When the world is so doomed
Time is flowing too fast
Filled with hatred
and gloom
You don't hope to survive
But you watch all the same
Don't you give up on life,
Lonely man with no name

Here, in the dark
Eyes burning bright
Campfire's warmth
Crackling and sparks
Marshmallow's burnt -
But just a bit
Here, we sit
And nothing's amiss
And no one's alone
And no one's alone
So deep in my bones
Our summer and kiss...

sick and crumbling from sweated sheets onto the ground
i don't want to be found like this, don't want to be seen
cause my body's giving up, my weakness, it's so lame
keeling over in pain and illness, i say

"go away"
but i don't want you to go away
i'm afraid to die alone... hey
NO

Finding a fault with an Exquisite dawn
Picking one bent grass on Perfect lawn
Being tossed over as spineless pawn
"They never cared in their endless want"
Always denied my own brush with fame
I let my routine to be all the same:
Listening to no one, assigning blame
...My excuses are always sooo lame.

Careful dance
Under the rain
Only for once
Hiding the pain
Shoes on the damp
Innocent road
Glowing street lamps
It's sleeting and cold
Dust settled down
They've survived
Lucky to 've found
Each other's lives
Starting anew
Hoping for more –
They are the few
Who made it through war

...I put so much of me at stake
And loved as fondly as I could;
You never thought of answering back -
I hoped you would, I hoped you would.

You'll love her always, me – when drunk,
Kind, only when it comes to mind.
I'll keep you off my heart and lungs -
But you're in spine, you're in my spine...

All night along we've been alert,
Aware of movements fond and strong.
Stay close to me, it will not hurt
And won't be long, it won't be long.

Before the dawn, under full moon,
I touched your hand down cotton sleeve.
I know - it all will finish soon,
So let me grieve, so let me grieve.

Be careful!
It's raining kids
From the rooftop:
One, two, three, four...

It's raining hard,
Another one slips
And it's a long fall,

Dead bodies lying on the pavement,
No one wanted to be saved and
No one is safe!

Horror shrinks me to a whimpering whelp;
They seemed happy and they didn't ask for help.
"God save us",
I hear whispering from all around
Four and one
for nothing, with no reason to be found
God save us all, indeed...

the powerbank's empty
bankrupt soul
heart bleeding red

corrosive feelings
dug deepest holes
filled them with lead

THEY AREN'T HEALING
why no one told me
it would be that bad?

I feel like soon
the sun won't shine
and people won't seem good to me
I know that then
I lose what's mine
and kindness, i will never see

When bright light fades
and beauty burns
all cries and frowns on every turn
i fear that i'll no longer be,
drunk in my stupid misery

I need patience
Fighting for peace
But there is the silence,
The Darkening Abyss.

I used to dream
How we would kiss,
But there was that dim
And Frightening Abyss.

I used to look
For will without haste,
But You cruelly took
Me away from my place.

I used to think
That there was a thread
Which definitely linked
Mine and your head,

There was that cut
Right in the middle,
So I had to start
Resolving the riddle.

I used to dream
That you're standing near,
But things that I feel -
Are despair and fear.

I used to hope,
But now I do not,
I had to stop
Tying the knot.

How come  I mistook
My Love - with fear?
I dared not look
On my face without tears.

I tear apart
Your image within.
I knew from the start,
I never could win.
...
I need patience
To lower the risk
But there is the silence,
The Darkening Abyss.

The Darkening Abyss
Negates all my will.
Each second we kiss
My heart is in thrill…

I fall in its depths,
The Frightnening Abyss.
I can hear your steps,
Don't let go of me, please.

I fell in Abyss
And found there a thread.
The moment we kissed
I knew where it led.

Mistaken was I?
Or purely naive?
I didn't know why
I didn't just leave.

Totally captivated
Your arms within.
I doubtlessly stated -
I never could win.

Please don't die before I do
Cause I don't wanna live without your smile
Don't wanna leave without returning
Don't want my dark without your bright
Don't wanna miss your sleepy turning
Don't wanna taste when there's no pie
You cooked for me delightful morning
Don't wanna pick a petty fight
Without desire in me burning
Don't wanna dress up with finesse
Without your eyes on me, so deep
Don't wanna hear a word from press
Without your words that make me weep
Don't wanna have a soul that can
Survive without your nasty moods
Don't wanna stop being a stan
Look out for you in darkest woods
Don't wanna make a whole day through
Not knowing what I never knew:
What I'm supposed to ******* do
To live A DAY
Where there's no you?

So please, don't die
Before I do.

Knicknacks
All over my place
Late cinema tickets
Dinner face to face
A figure at the window
Pair tea mugs
Under the blankets
Warm awkward hugs
The hair drier
At six am


I'm finally happy

With you,
I am.

Whose fault does it make
If your Sun goes down?
How much does it take
One to lose the crown?
And who is to blame
When the truth can't be found?
Everything is the same
To you under the ground.

How much can you love
That one person you found?
How long can you starve
Without making a sound?
And what is above
Our Earth, tired and bound?
"I've no answers,"
You cry and laugh
Under the ground.

He was supposed to survive the war
To staunch his enemies and never flinch
Beware of dangers, be always ready
To live the horrors that skin you alive
They make you bleed
The poor man's blood
Pours down the trenches
In dreadful stench
He looks at the skyfall
But never sees it
Behind the curtain
Of blood and tears.
He belongs to nothing
And nothing fears.

Into wonderful window I stole a glance
Into life I could never have
There were times I wanted to ask of you
If perhaps you’d give me a hand
I could’ve easily been in love with you
And I’d easily come along
But my life didn't let me more than a glance
More than one chance to look
Crumbling and lost, no, I’ve never been strong
Though I could have been strong for you…
Into beautiful window I stole a glance
And that window was shut for good.

Entangle me in dreams, put me in labyrinth
Of fear and faith and farewell to my sins
I long survived the horrors of the living dead
When every breath you take is false, it pins
Your conscience that you shouldn’t breathe at all
Survival long time meaningless, it seems
That not too soon the calm night comes
Devoid of falling, failure, ghastly ghosts so mean,
So cruel in their unfairness, unforgivable...
I’ve seen so many of the nasty ‘FINs’
And every time it shreds my heart to gaping wounds
But I still live...
I’d rather sleep it through instead
Than take another battle to my wins


I’d rather stop the earth from spinning altogether
Than risk the chance it all anew begins


I want no more of suffering through the days, when
The memories’ parade appears on all the screens
I scream

They say that time is healing everything that’s wounded
But time erases everything, not heals
The nasty scar on your wife’s skin
Instead, that skin is rotting in the grave
And every time I see it in my mind, I hope it be
The last time I can see, and think, and feel,
And breathe.